The thing is that Shane just fully does not think that he is allowed to break down. He doesn't even think of it in those terms, it's so far from his mind. This is reinforced by the fact that there definitely ARE moments of this fucking...incandescent happiness in the aftermath of the outing. He marries the love of his life and it is genuinely, actually the happiest day of his life. He is fully present, he remembers every moment of that day with the utmost fondness. And the next day he wakes up naked under the sheets with his husband and it's the safest he's ever felt.
But last week they had to install new security cameras on their house because their outing made them Actual Famous instead of just Hockey Famous and there have already been threats, at least one of them credible. And two weeks ago SNL aired a skit about them the punchline of which was basically just the worst moment of Shane's life played over and over again for laughs. He is so afraid that Ilya is going to start wanting to die again that it keeps him up at night. He's trying to Amy Dunne Cool Girl it through so many different things. Food, social events, sometimes even sex although this is in the context of sex being one of the only times he feels fully normal and he is trying to frame this as the natural result of being a newlywed instead of as physically needing his body reset, sometimes several times a day. So he's coaxing Ilya into the bedroom and he's smiling and saying, "I just can't keep my hands off you," and what he really means is please put your hands on me and hold me together for a little bit longer but even he doesn't really know that's what he's asking for.
He is actually, genuinely happy to get to play hockey with his husband. Just as happy as he used to be when they played against each other all those years--which are such fond memories now tarnished by the constant fucking cheating allegations.
He's happy that he gets to walk down the street with his husband now--of course he fucking is. Butz again: they are Actual Famous now and the media cycle is obsessed with the idea that their marriage is essentially one of convenience and hurdling towards disaster. The prevailing theory is that they were caught essentially hooking up and had to marry each other as a PR move. Nevermind the multiple times that they have alluded to the timeline of their relationship.
And there are stressors that have nothing to do with fame, really. The owner of a local Russian restaurant recognizes Ilya just as a customer one day while he and Shane are sitting on the patio of coffee shop having lunch and the restaurant owner approaches Ilya and just launches into a conversation in Russian and Shane is halfway out of his seat before he realizes that Ilya is smiling and doesn't seem threatened. He has to walk around the block to calm himself down.
It gets to the point where he is just constantly low-level buzzing and he only feels absolutely normal when he is alone with his husband, usually when he's literally under him, and when he's on the ice.
But he's fine. He'll be fine. He's so fucking happy.
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