Bipolar Babe : About Me & My Personal Blog
Sabrina Claire; The Bipolar Babe
So you are on my website but who am I and what sort of authority do I have to write about the subjects I write about?
This is my backstory, who I am and how I came to be in the position that I am today. This is my history, painful, raw and true. How my bipolar came into being, how I manage it and what I am inspired to achieve in my life.
Bipolar is part of me but bipolar is not who I am. Bipolar makes me a survivor.
So I will wear my bipolar badge with pride because it is not a sign of weakness but of ultimate strength during time periods that could only be described as a work of a twisted horror movie.
Sadly this is not a work of fiction, it was my life. I am not ashamed. I am strong.
I am a writer and I am an actress. I am a researcher and I love discovering and learning. I love life and I have emotional depths which can be crushing - my life is not an act, I feel what I feel because there is no emotional off switch. When I care, I care. There is no half way point in my heart.
Sabrina Claire is “Lady Claire Natalie Melissa Sabrina Matthews” and she was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 in 2006.
Claire became Lady Claire several years ago after her investment in a Scottish Wildlife Protection Project.
The project sells of multiple pieces of land in order to protect it from developers to keep it safe for native wildlife to thrive. It is a protection program.
And this is where I stop talking about myself in the third person.
This is my website, my developing business and ultimately my quest and mission.
I am diagnosed with bipolar, however I believe I have a remarkable handle on this. Without medication. The reason I believe is because I was prepared to ask the questions others where not.
The History That Lead To My First Bipolar Episode
I was born into and raised as a “Jehovah’s Witness” and then went into the cult that is “The Lord’s Witnesses” my knowledge of religion became deeper than most and it was during my leaving these things behind that my “bullshit radar” was finely-tuned.
I am going to reveal all my skeletons right here openly and publicly, because I refuse to let others weaponise my past against me. There comes a point when you realise that what you hide in shame from is actually your strength.
When you take a weakness and develop it into a strength, you become invincible.
This doesn’t mean you don’t feel, it just means that you learn to recognise the emotions as guides and pointers.
I keep myself in isolation most of the time because I have a difficult gift to live with, one that I am still gaining control of. That is that I tend to feel everything and everyone else’s emotions so that they become mine. Something which can be very confusing and extremely exhausting as you could imagine.
I have sensed disasters before they happen. It is not a honed ability and it is entirely frustrating - because I haven’t developed the ability to say what is or where its going to happen. I just get a sense of it, its like a shockwave and a “knowing” - these things are purely mother natures doing though, not manmade tragedies.
I have had visions and discussions with beings not of this world. I have had some very disturbing experiences over the years which are my crosses to bare and learn from.
I was groomed, emotionally and sexually abused by the leader of The Lords Witnesses - 15+ years later I am finally publicly speaking out. I was turned into the harlot and I was victimised by its followers.
This middle aged predator was a self-proclaimed a man of God, and I, a sheltered naïve teenager was painted as a power hungry manipulative destructive harlot.
Jehovah’s Witness children with devout J.W parents do not develop in the same manner as the average socially adjusted normal child and being raised as a child in this arrangement is worse for a child's development that what an adult joining the religion endures.
This is a fact that all inside the religion will fiercely deny, however it is the reality that many face upon leaving. Jehovah's Witnesses laugh about not being brainwashed only to discover upon leaving that they where.
The Jehovah's Witnesses take on relationships and dating is incredibly damaging to healthy socialisation and natural development.
Take that from someone who was born into the arrangement and is still feeling the aftermath of those indoctrinations.
An adult joining a religion has grown up in a healthy social environment, a baby born and raised in this fashion is ultimately powerless and easy prey for adult men - especially adult men who are “prophets and the chosen of Jehovah”.
The men and women around him protected him because he was a millionaire and wanted to protect their jobs and their positions, it was easier to vilify a young girl than stand up to him and do the right thing.
I worked for this man in his company straight out of high school, being emotionally and mentally groomed by him before I left. I followed his requests and I was the one who got fired for doing so.
Have you ever heard of a boss setting you a task to do, doing what he has asked and then “letting you go” for it?
As his business was failing he wanted a record of who was working and who wasn’t, to record all of it and let him have it after a month. I began this process and kept the record book in a private LOCKED draw in my office desk. Whilst I was receiving computer skills training the person who was never working broke into my LOCKED draw “looking for stamps” - opened the book labelled “PRIVATE” and proceeded to read it.
Every single record I wrote was asked of me and was true to which this person reacted “she's trying to get me fired” - I was doing my job and it was me that was let go….needless to say his company went bankrupt and he ended up letting all of his employees go. - I wonder why?
If I had known at 15 what I know at 30 I would of gone to a lawyer and filed charges against him for so many things. In fact there was a time I had applied for a job as a secretary at M.I.6 and I’d passed the initial interview, I just had to file some paperwork to arrange a physical interview.
Mental and Emotional Torture
On finding the addressed envelope M.I.6 had sent to me (it had their watermark etc on it) - as I was living with him at the time he went berserk at me saying that I cannot do it and what was I thinking because they would arrest him for his bible prophecies and make him their slave.
I was extremely naïve and I didn’t go for the job, a good honest job which would of provided me with a salary enough to get out from underneath his roof and a job which would of provided me an army of protective government officials…I regret every day not going for that job.
And I wonder where I would be now if I had of secretly arranged the interview behind his back.
But at 16, you don’t really have to tools you need in that particular circumstance - and at the time I still believed he was quite literally heaven sent and it was my divine purpose to be everything to him, to please him was to please the almighty creator.
This man thought it was funny and acceptable to physically kick my backside and call it “re-booting” and yet on one occasion I playfully hit his head with an empty plastic cola bottle and I was told “you can’t go round assaulting the boss!”
Kicking your teenage employees backside is perfectly ok but a bottle on your head is assault? - I will add, the bottle was because of being consistently tormented, chased and teased - the way a boyfriend would tease his girlfriend, only I was 16 and he was 46.
A 16 year old ex-JW who was born into the religion has the social and sexual awareness of about a 10 year old, maybe an 8 year old in todays modern society.
To keep a roof over my head I had to swallow my dignity and write apologetic letters in order to not be thrown out on the streets.
A pre-emptive apology was how I kept myself safe. I sacrificed every shred dignity to this leader. I was groomed and seduced, and when I was falling for the grooming I would be the one who would be attacked mentally and emotionally by him, his followers and his employees.
This grooming began while I was still in High School at the age of 15. He was a very clever paedophile in my books though as he never did anything physical to me until I was 17 and again at age 19 which led to me having my first major breakdown and hospitalisation.
Modern scientists are leaning towards the belief that you are still a teenager up until the age of twenty-five years old.
There where so many nightmares that make me cry even now if I reflect on it.
Each time I have tried to call him out on it his response is “you deserved it” and the only “Sorry” was a “I’m sorry that it was so easy to flirt with you” not that he was ever wrong and that it was ultimately my own fault.
15+ years later and there is still no admission of any guilt on his part.
I will never get back the things I lost because of this man.
Hopefully one day I will unravel the damage he has caused. I doubt I will ever get the justice I deserve or that he will ever be accountable or feel the repercussions of his actions…
When I actually went for another job, he tried to sabotage it by writing on my job reference as to why I had left (which was really code for FIRED) was “She fell in love with the boss” - when the truth was I had developed Stockholm Syndrome and was in a very abusive situation and that I had been fired for doing a job that he had asked of me to do.
Thankfully the agency who saw this remark dismissed it and saw it for what it was.
Side point, the woman who was not doing any work was a friend of the woman who this man had been carrying an off and on again affair for many years.
Effectively I got burnt so as he could keep his connection to her.
This man of god stabbed me in the back in order that he may continue an ongoing affair with a married woman, a woman who refused to marry him and marry someone else.
This self proclaimed man of god and second Elijah is actually running a YouTube channel in which a photograph of him and her is displayed. If you are supposedly speaking messages from god displaying an image of adultery does not seem like a smart move.
The stress and experiences eventually compounded and after a near-rape experience in which I was terrified and praying as hard as I could to god to “dont let him find the condoms” a few days later I went into my first full blown psychosis.
Why did I pray that you might ask? - because in his warped mind, having sex with a condom doesn’t count. Adultery with a condom isn’t adultery…at the age of 15 I cleverly came up with ok, but since a married couple are one flesh, then when you sleep with one you sleep with the other, and not only that the condoms in biblical times where made out of sheep skin - so you may not be committing adultery but you would be a sheep shagging homosexual.
(By his own logic, I have nothing in general against the gay community but I think you can all agree that cheating is cheating full stop) - This was not meant to attack any community, it was simply the attempt of a 15yr old girl to prove that cheating is cheating and you can't get away with it on a technicality.
Personally my view is that love is love as long as it is appropriate (consenting of age adults) and not abusive.
If it does no harm then let it be.
However I wasn’t and am not married. Condoms today are latex. He could of raped me and of been perfectly within his own churches law to do so, I believe the only reason I ended up keeping my virginity on that day was because he couldn’t find the condoms, he was so angry and yelling at me for moving and on my life I have never ever been that scared ever. And I have been in some thriller type experiences so saying this scared me, is not a small thing.
The fear was terrible, if he had of raped me, at least there would of been evidence.
There wasn’t, and the only scars I have are invisible ones. It would be my word against his with the added charismatic "she was asking for it". Forget the confused little girl trying to make sense of life being seduced by the middle aged high priest of god.
Sometimes I think being almost raped may be worse than an actual rape, because you can’t prosecute an “almost rape” because it doesn’t count, there is no evidence and it is your word against theirs. - I am pretty sure that I am not the only woman who has ever been in this position either, though I believe it is something which is unspoken but just as terrifying.
Looking back at it, having a bipolar breakdown at that point in time was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.
It got me out of a very dangerous situation because I wasn’t getting myself out of it, so something “took” me out of it. - It was not pleasant, but in hindsight, it was necessary.
In fact, whenever I let this person into my life a breakdown and hospitalisation followed.
So why am I telling you this?
Well, firstly because I want you to know that I’m not a stuffy suit. To raise the awareness that if someone is going through a mental health issue, then I would stake my honour on the belief that that person is suffering from very bad abuse and it may be hidden but there will a reason why that person has had to end up in hospital.
These things will not be solved by medication, they can be controlled and repressed by medication, do not misunderstand me - but unless the problems are dealt with, unless the truth comes out the ones suffering will never escape that reality.
I have been groomed, stalked, physically assaulted, and sexually assaulted by so-called male friends. It is no wonder that bipolar was triggered within my psyche.
Banished by so-called female friends because I would not “go out” with the guys they wanted me to. I got victimised by lesbian friends for being straight - you just cant win - and none of them had the decency to take the time to understand how much abuse I had gone through and would not accept me as I am. Single. Safe. Tormented.
Between groomers, abusers, sleeping with a paedophile (which came out in the local paper) and being engaged to a catfish - I believe I have every right to my singledomhood - and honestly, with this track record, can you blame me?
I am not medicated,
I am not in hospital,
I have not completed suicide, (though I have done some very silly things)
I have a unique ability to sense other peoples pain,
I have a unique ability to look through lies and into the truth,
I have the ability to look at every angle of a situation in a blink of an eye,
That has not come easy, it is something that has developed and is getting stronger and sharper each day because of the hell I have survived.
I will never be at the mercy of any man ever again.
I do hope one day I will fall in love with a good man - but whoever that man may be, he will have one hell of a job on his hands and perhaps in this day and age I wouldn’t be worth the hassle by today’s standards.
But you know what, I’m ok with that, because I have no desire to be with someone who isn’t of the same heart and mind as my own.
I am a survivor.
Claire Matthews is who went into hell, Sabrina Claire is who came out the other side of it.
Bipolar is what I have, but it is not who I am.
I have really great days and then soul sucking days. These come on like a wave and the only thing you can do is try to remember to travel inwardly and start separating the mess going on internally.
One of the things that I have learnt is that ultimately that I have the control of my own mind and emotions, but it is my responsibility to learn how to shape my mind and decode my emotions.
There is no such thing as a bad emotion.
Emotions are signals to tell you whats going on in in your life and ignoring there can be deadly.
Instead of going "I feel awful" you learn to go "hang on, WHY do I feel awful?".
There is always a reason for the emotion and these are not going to get fixed by any mental health cover up pill. In fact one of those damn medications left me in complete paralysis.
"Never again" is not an option, it has to be my reality now.
Only by journeying inwardly and facing those traumas can we find our way through to the light.
I have recently learnt about the gut, the fact that the same cells in our brain are inside our gut is amazing.
In fact it is now believed that Parkinson's disease first starts in the gut and then works its way 20 years later into the mind.
Now if a disease of the mind starts in the gut how much more important is it for us to pay attention to our dietary health.
Can all mental health illnesses be reversed with taking control of our health?
I believe it to be possible on hearing this latest revelation.
If aging and decaying is directly linked to shrinking telomeres in our DNA and these telomeres can be restored with diet and exercise then it is not a far stretch to believe that we can not only regenerate our bodies but also our minds.
Mastering the self should not be an ego based narcissistic quest but should be the foundation of all of our lives.
Mastering the self is not an overnight miracle, it never ends. It is a fight and a struggle that may never end but it is the most important battle you will ever face. If you do not conquer yourself then you cannot attain fulfilment in anything else.
Because energy transfers and effects everything round you. When you are happy others around you will be happy also. If you are in a bad place others will be affected by this energy also.
What do I ultimately wish to create with my life?
These are my own personal feelings and I understand the monolithic nature of my desires.
However I fully believe that if we all worked together these things would become easily achievable.
Ultimately, I stand for love, hope, unity and peace.
To raise awareness on unspoken truths
To be fearless and honest and say what others dare not
To remind humanity of what bonds us together and to put an end to segregation
To be a voice for the people who need a voice
To be a refuge for the people who truly need it
To demystify ancient teachings in order for mankind to responsibility for themselves
To shine a light on charlatans and reveal hidden truths
To expose lies in order to hold liars accountable
To help everyone develop a sustainable, beneficial lifestyle
To enable universal harmony to come into existence
To eradicate death
To remove all world religions from power; yes I actually did say that.
Let me clarify, history is history and that should not be destroyed, however the brainwashing that goes on within these religions needs stopping.
We cannot allow humanity to carry on believing they are not accountable for their own actions.
A devil did not make you do something, you did it yourself. OWN UP TO IT!
If you did a bad thing you cannot go to church and say sorry and think that makes it all better. If you require a supernatural saviour then you do not deserve a saviour.
Most of all, NO - you do not deserve the death penalty simply for being alive.
You inherently know whether something is good or evil and people need to stop turning a blind eye to their own Gods wickedness and accepting those things just because “God Says So” - if that God says to do a bad thing - then you have a bad God and you use your humanity to say “NO!”
One of this planets biggest problems is what the teachings of the majority of religions teach.
The idea of a superior race.
The annihilation of anyone who doesn’t follow its teachings,
The belief that there is nothing we can do to halt our own damnation.
The most dangerous and destructive belief mankind holds is that it has no power.
No we do not need a supernatural being to save us,
We have the ability to bring about peace in our lifetime,
Death is not our destiny, nor is it what we deserve.
There is a huge difference between Universal Law and Gods Law.
Yes we can have peace,
No, we do not have to always have violence.
No, there wont always be violence.
We have the knowledge and the resources to gain harmony and prosperity globally within a year, in actual fact, within a day if everyone knuckled down and got along and did what was in the interest of all.
When compassion rules, there will be peace.
We should not need a doomsday event to unite the world into working together, however, if we do not start pulling together instead of pulling apart; that is exactly what we will create.
My ultimate mission is to see a happy unified world…one that isn’t so politically correct, but one where people have senses of humour and know how to laugh and appreciate all things.
Where we do not have to be afraid of speaking the truth and one where if something wrong does happen then the victim is not the one who is shamed and the one that has done bad things is rehabilitated.
This thirst for blood and vengeance has to stop, because if we do not put the past behind us and move on - we will never have peace.
If we do however, then I promise you, we will have peace and abundance for all. It will take the unification of all people, not just a few - for that, we need to embrace our compassion, our empathy and our humanity.
And I believe with all of my heart, we can, we will and we must get there.