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My primary acct is crookedmothart! This is a vent archive sorry it’s cringe 😬

[crookedwingz]

Love finding out that my favorite art teacher from high school I had the entire time I was there is a s3x offender

I was just looking up her name to find an art contest I was in and bam whiplash

Add that to the list of endless reasons high school was fucking awful

[crookedwingz]

So my symptoms aren’t from adhd so who knows I’m just being an idiot

I knew I was severely depressed but damn it just doesn’t make sense

I feel so stupid

[crookedwingz]

Turns out I’m autistic and adhd, as well as anxiety and depression and trauma, was just misdiagnosed 😀😭

My old posts make me cringe and I don’t plan on posting here much anymore aside from maybe once in a blue moon but it’s so nice to know that there was something there and I’m not crazy

[crookedwingz]

I've never really realized this but although I know my mom was a terrible mom, I never realized that I could've had a way better future and better relationships had she cared about me at all.

I played the flute from 4th grade all the way to community band now, but I wanted to branch out and try different instruments. I bought a used clarinet, borrowed an oboe from my school, and wanted to learn guitar from my uncle. I begged my mom for reeds, literally the only thing I asked for as I had the Internet at the time to teach myself and many school music books to learn on my own.

She kept insisting to wait, that we can't afford it, etc etc but whenever I offered to use my own money I got from birthdays or holidays, suddenly it was a big deal. I feel I could've gone into music or art as a full career had I had resources. I still am trying to make art work and become a tattoo artist but its a lot harder now because I had to learn all from scratch and with little encouragement that didn't feel fake.

She also made it so hard for me to maintain friendships.

I wanted to invite my friends over, I couldn't cause our house was hoard-level messy. I cleaned the house to make this happen and in general to keep my own sanity; the house would be a mess in the next few days or I'd get yelled at for not doing it how she wanted it done. But if we cleaned together she would micromanage my every move.

I wasn't allowed to ask people to hang out, I had to be invited places in order to go over to my friends' houses. My mom made it out to be that if I asked anyone of anything I was a burden and an inconvenience. She still did this up to when I became estranged from her. How was I supposed to manage friendships if it sounded like I didn't ever want to hang out? My friends stopped inviting me to things, I couldn't make new friends, and my friends that stuck around were toxic or manipulative. I didn't know what was toxic though so I felt I deserved what I got.

I feel like my life would've ended up so much better had I had a mom that cared. I had trauma, possibly cptsd, from her, from my friends, from my ex and just that I was adopted.

I feel like I was given the worst deck of cards of life but also that i feel like I'm ungrateful because I didn't grow up on the streets, or starving. I am so conflicted but it wasn't that I wanted more money, more time, more experiences. I literally just wanted my mom to give a shit.

[crookedwingz]

I haven’t thought about my trauma with my ex in a long time. I’m so angry that I’m thinking about her right now.

She doesn’t deserve to be in my head, to bother my thoughts.

I’m gonna talk about it in therapy next week more but it’s so hard to forgive myself because she was younger than me. Even though I didn’t want what she did to me, even though I didn’t say yes.

I wish I could erase middle and high school out of my brain. Honestly all of school, out of my brain.

I want a fresh start and to stop being so traumatized. But I have trauma from so many parts of my life that idek where to even go

[crookedwingz]

Hiya. Haven’t felt the need to post here in a while. But feeling down so was looking through my old stuff.

It makes me cringe to see myself post these vents and rants, but I understand why cause I had no idea how to process my feelings. I still don’t tbh but I’m a lot more wary of expressing it outwardly.

I wish I could just give my past self a hug sometimes. And also punch them in the head for having this dumb ass brain. I’m like 99% sure I’m autistic and that would explain a lot of my issues but I have to wait on a waitlist to get evaluated.

Until then, I guess imma just have to deal. But I’m pretty sure a lot of what I was experiencing was meltdowns, suicidal thoughts and burnout. Didn’t help I was in a lot of bad relationships (ex, friend and parent) so I had nobody to talk to.

I’m a lot happier than I used to be but it sucks that what’s causing me to be down rn is how Splatoon makes me feel. I’ve touched on this before but if I lose consecutively or start to tilt I struggle to keep my shit together. It’s mostly internal, sometimes I’ll punch myself or kick myself for not doing something properly but idk how to fix that. But I’ve had those issues and worse when I was younger cause it was my only outlet. I love the game but I struggle to want to play it as much because it makes me feel really bad if I play it for too long. Idk what to do cause it’s my special interest and has been since 2015. I don’t want to give it up but also exposing myself like this isn’t good either.

Anyways I hope y’all are doing well. A lot has happened since my last entry but overall doing pretty okay.

[deathwitchh]

As someone whose adopted, I really wish people fucking understood the serious implications that come with being adopted. The way movies, comics, manga, video games, anime, TV shows, etc. portray adoption is ALMOST ALWAYS WRONG

[doberbutts]

Ten years ago, on December 15th, 2012, I met a dog who would change my life forever.

Skoll was my first doberman, and he was everything to me, and when he died it ripped a hole into my very soul. I experienced a lot of hate for euthanizing him, hate that even 10 years later people are approaching me about. He was a behavioral euthanasia, and while I didn't know it at the time, a decade later I've had multiple vets tell me the behavior I describe from him sounds an awful lot like Rage. Which has no cure, which has the ultimate end in a behavioral euth because even meds stop working after a while and the dog savages someone again.

A year and a half later, a puppy popped up who was the offspring of two specific lines I was considering "whenever". The litter theme was "moon", and it felt like lightning struck me when I realized just how much of a "coincidence" it was. To this day, I think Skoll sent him to me.

I would never be where I am now, if Creed hadn't entered my life. I never would have gotten Creed, if Skoll hadn't been there first. This blog was made for my adventures with Creed, and the bulk of you folks reading joined me specifically to follow his life. Creed was my shadow. He was there, always. And when cancer took him from me, it was hard to move forward without him.

There was a plan in place to import a bitch from Denmark for her to spend her days with me, co-owned with a breeder who is striking to perserve good working ability while also maintaining genetic diversity. A strong working pedigree, good breeding stock, and fun to play in mondio.

That bitch didn't turn out. But then one with very similar pedigree and circunstances suddenly became available, and-

And what's funny is that every single one of the folks who pulled together to get Phoebe to me? I knew through Creed, who I got because of Skoll. Every single one. Creed is who helped bring her to my life.

Ten years ago, I met a dog who would change my life forever.

Ten years ago, I took the first step in my journey into dobermans.

I'm no expert. There are people who've been in dobes for less time with more accomplishments. But this is still my breed, and I am proud to have the circle I have today. And I wouldn't have any of them, literally not one, if it hadn't been for Skoll to give me that first push.

Run free, boyboy. I hope whoever runs the Rainbow Bridge gives you lots of steak tonight. You'd be 13 soon, if you were still here.

[crookedwingz]

I’ve been struggling to come to terms with the high possibility I will have to euthanize my dog for behavioral and anxiety issues. Thank you for telling us your story, seeing them makes me feel a lot better about making this possibly permanent decision.

[queenoftheantz]

Lessons I have learnt since:

1. Don’t let the country bumpkin who slep 100 years out on the open fields on his own.

2. You just shouldn’t EQUIP metal in thunder, you can still keep it in your bag.

3. Flame potions only work if you drink them BEFORE everything is on fire.

[the-relatable-quotes]

“1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise. 2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it. 4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything. 6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice. 7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small. 8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full. 9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle. 10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck. 11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog. 12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through. 14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends. 16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.”

— Sixteen Small Steps to Happiness (via gryffinclaws)

[crookedwingz]

I reposted this years ago but it still is so beautiful to read.

[gonda-deactivated20210511]

Another crap thing I do to make references, if you like it I can make more tutorials but idk if someone would find sense in my crazy stuff hahaha

[strixton]

burnt out nuerodivergent people getting overly attached to children's shows and cartoons when they see another old/new cartoon aimed at kids:

[animations-daily]

RATATOUILLE (2007) dir. Brad Bird

[little-miss-rasputin-pageant]

yeah lightyear could've been better but at least buzz was autistic

[egberts]

learning too much about the world has made me so aware of so many things and my depression is amplified to a ridiculous degree. they're right when they say ignorance is bliss. at this point i'm worried i'm far too aware of the world and myself to ever live truly free again. it feels like legitimate shackles on my brain. i can't do anything without being aware of every aspect of it and i hyper-criticize everything that could be enjoyed, even if my immediate second thought is "but who cares i should enjoy my time here despite xyz" that thought is always based in "because we are all gonna die one day so stop worrying so much" which just triggers a further spiral into existentialism and now i'm stuck at the bottom of an unrelenting anxiety pit with no idea how to get back out

[crookedwingz]

Tw// nsfw (sexual trauma/repression)

The more I’ve been thinking about it I’m pretty sure I’m just sexually repressed/traumatized and not asexual

I feel sexual attraction I think if anything it’s like demisexual because I only feel that way to my spouse

But I feel so guilty when I masturbate or after sex, I just start crying and I never know why because I enjoyed it, but my spouse always feels so bad because of it but I can’t explain why I feel that way

We used to have sex a lot more in the beginning of our relationship but we’re 5 years strong and yet it’s gone down more and more and we rarely ever do it now

I’ve started trying to talk to her about it but I start tearing up every time I mention anything sex-related

Idk I think it’s a mix of fear (not to her but talking about it), sexual guilt and just never being able to talk about sex because I was guilted for talking about it or didn’t have a space to do so.

I’m learning to talk about it more openly around her and soaking in sex positivity to maybe try and help it

I’ve learned that I do a lot better with starting out slow and just kissing and stuff rather than just go into it

I think some of it is a confidence thing too, I have terrible confidence and im awful at initiating

I think it’s just something I need to focus on and hopefully I can get better with it idk

[crookedwingz]

Just re-watched Flushed Away for the first time since I was a kid and I’m convinced that Roddy is autistic - coded

[archived-2026]

This is random but I absolutely hate how people assume that having something as a special interest (or hyperfixation) means that you have extensive in-depth knowledge about it. Especially since it’s mostly neurotypical people guilty of this (though I’ve seen plenty of nd do it as well.) We’ve been told an annoying amount of times that “you don’t actually have a special interest in x, you hardly know anything about it” by people who have a lot of background in the subject. Like no where in any description of a special interest does it say it makes you an expert in the subject. Some people only fixate on the idea or aesthetic of their special interest. Some only on a surface level knowledge of it. Some people just simply aren’t compelled to dig deeper. I’ve never had the urge to look much into learning more about most of my spins, and when I’ve forced myself to I end up bored and don’t pay attention to whatever I’m researching.

I just need people to understand that having a spin doesn’t require substantial knowledge in the area to be valid. We just want to casually talk about what we already know and maybe learn little tidbits from others without being told “educate yourself” or that we’re invalid.

[crookedwingz]

This honestly makes me feel so much better. I love my interests but some I only know some about and the ones I do know a lot about, I struggle to explain things so then it seems like I don’t know anything when I’ve been obsessed over that topic for years.