i havent written here in a long time . not because i didnt have anything to say, but because too much happened at once .
on october 21st 2025, my mother passed away and shortly after i ended a relationship that had been part of my life for years . both losses were heavy in different ways . both changed me . grief wasnt clean or singular. it came mixed with anger, sadness, guilt and a silent mourning for the mother i needed but never really had . i grieved not just her absence, but the absence that existed even when she was alive . my mom also got addicted to alcohol ... which added another layer of instability and pain to our relationship . there were parts of my grief that are harder because of what came before her death . my mother was both phsyically and emotionally abusive , and loving her often meant surviving her . in her final years she was also dealing with emotional abuse from her sister . constant harassment that wore her down in ways no one should have to endure , especially while already struggling with addiction and unresolved trauma . i had a quiet .. yet unsettling feeling for a long time that she might not live much longer . she never truly recovered from her mothers death in 2017 . watching someone lose control while still being expected to love them is its own kind of grief .. one that doesnt end when they're gone... but instead is supposed to be acknowledged for what it was .
not long after, i found myself in a relationship that mirrored more than i wanted to admit . they were there in moments, especially when things were at their worst and for that i'll acknowledge the effort they made . but presence isn't the same as reciprocity . support isnt real when its inconsistent, conditional or emotionally shallow . poor conflict resolution, defensiveness and lack of accountability slowly destroyed what safety should have felt like for me . that dynamic didnt exist in isolation . the group around him enabled the same behavior . enabling immaturity and avoidance instead of growth which is what i really wanted for the both of us and still do . accountability was brushed off as "how they are" and discomfort was treated like an inconvenience rather than something to be addressed . there were repeated moments were they denied seeking validation or attention from other women, denied who they were speaking to and denied their intentions or twisted the truth to "not hurt me" even when my discomfort was clear . it wasn't about jealousy or control, it was about trust .
having memories of those feelings and dwelling on past conflicts while grieving made me feel unseen and unsupported in ways i didnt fully understand until i stepped back . being made to question my own perception especially while grieving was deeply painful . when i was already hurting , i told myself well .. having some love is better than none . that stability means staying and thinking one more time might finally fix it ... but there were so many "one more times" and so many chances . over time i realized love shouldnt feel like proving my worth, managing other peoples emotions, "fixing them" or wanting to be met halfway . what hurt the most wasnt the breakup .. it was still dealing witht the same pattern . i was drawn to what felt familiar... it was exactly what i dealt with with my own mother . i knew how to deal with emotional inconsistency because i was raised inside it . walking away wasn't easy . it meant leaving not only the relationship but the family and friends attached to it . maybe some people are upset yet there was little acknowledgment of my grief, my pain or what it took to survive that period of my life . i couldnt continue showing up for people who were more focused on my absence than on my well being . i gave more time than i realized at the time . in the weeks after my mother passed, i spent nights emotionally supporting their friend, listening and giving dating advice and holding space for their problems while barely having room to process my own grief . i showed up for others even when i was falling apart .
that lack of reciprocity showed up in smaller, quieter ways as as well . i was told finances got in the way of valentine's day gestures, yet the emotional absence lingered far beyond that explanation . on my birthday last year they stayed in bed until late afternoon because it was "raining" .. leaving me to sit in the familiar feeling of being an afterthought . none of these moments were tragic on their own but together they told a consistent story of where i stood .
i'm still grieiving . i still have days where everything feels like wayyy too much yet also quiet at the same time . but im no longer abandoning myself to avoid being alone . im learning how to sit with my pain and discomfort . this isn't closure... it's honesty.
izzy806
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