if i look back, i am lost
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@curiousparadise
Another year has gone by.
Today is your birthday.
And somehow it hit me hard once again.
It all seems like a terrible dream
Youre not here.
And I just want to wake up.
But I can't. Its not a dream.
And my tears won't stop.
But its okay.
You're in a better place.
You did so well.
You worked so hard.
You get to rest.
And although it hurts, I know you're better.
But know that you will always be missed.
Happy birthday.
Being away from the city.
Away from electronics
It brings out the secrets.
The secrets only the night can keep
Secrets. Thoughts.
That you can't tell anyone
Anyone except the moon.
08/29/20
Looking at the stars hits different.
Just me and the music..
Its peaceful.
But its also lonely.
And despite it all.
Its wonderful
For the first time in years I was able to listen to your songs.
It brought tears to my eyes.
But I made it through the whole song
And at the end, tears did come out.
But I was able to smile.
Smile due to your voice
Smile due to the emotions that your voice conveyed
And I fell all over again.
All the memories of you came back
And I was just thankful
Thankful to have had the honor to be in this lifetime with you.
Thankful to had been part of your journey.
To have had the honor of being your fan.
To have had the privilege of listening to your voice
To watch you.
To have just fallen in love with everything you once were.
10/10
How do I get rid of this empty feeling, that’s making me sick to my stomach.
Then I thought about a therapist.
But then it occurred to me, that I’m afraid to see one.
Am I afraid of what they’ll find out?
Or
Am I afraid of what I’ll find about myself.
Why do i have to get more sleepy while in class. And when im home i can be awake till 5am...just before i got to start the day once again.
Loving people as they are is giving them fertilizer to grow.
minusthenegative.com
I was at the library the other day, and my daughter was playing at the Art Table with two other girls. One of the little girls’ mother was near by and said “Aren’t you girls good little artists!”
And the third girl perked up and said “My dad’s an artist!”
The woman smiled indulgently and says “Oh really, what kind?”
The little girl proudly told her “He’s a tattoo artist.”
And the woman. Oh man. Her face just twists, crumples into something nothing short of disdain, and she opens her mouth and says “That’s not…”
“An easy job,” I cut in, looking the woman in the face because really? You’re going to tell a child her dad’s not a real artist. “In fact it’s very very hard, because that art is alive forever on a person, not like on paper. And that’s scary! You have to be really good, to be a tattoo artist. Your dad must be really, really good.”
what kind of person could just try and crush a little kid like that? goddamn.
Do people not realize that tattoo artists have to know how to draw really well and produce straight precise lines on a moving canvas, and make the right color selection and know how to blend those colors and do proper shading, and a million other art things and no single client/canvas is the same and they have to adjust based on the pigment of the skin and where the person wants the tattoo?! What the hell
8/16 2am
I keep thinking of the "What If's"
What if... but thats just a wish, an illusion, hope.
I know it...but i cant let go
I want to know what we could have been
What if...
Thoughts...
Im just losing myself in these thoughts.
07/13- 1am
You say you want to hear the truth.
But let's be honest.
The truth, is the last thing you want to hear.
But....im tired of lying.
06/18-12am
I made up my head that youre not coming back.
I know it.
But i cant help but cry.
Cry each time i see your picture, her your voice.
And i cry more....
Seeing where you were supposed to be.
When you guys have visited potential apartments, what kind of questions did you ask besides the basics like what rent and utilities include?
Here are questions I didn’t ask but should have: what does the basement look like?
What measures are taken to secure the building ?
Are the walls thin? Brief info of who lives in the building. Are they college kids? People that work through the day? Elderly? Is it a mix? Where does the garbage go?
Can I pay rent bi-weekly? What kind of fuses does the apartment use? (My fuse box is in the basement. If I blow a fuse I have to replace it myself. They screw until the box. All of which I didn’t know until it happend and I was sitting in the dark suddenly)
Who do I call for repairs? (If it’s a private rental) Am I allowed to paint the walls? Is there any additional storage? Do you do regular pest control?
count the outlets, ask about recycling policies, ask if there’s a noise restriction (nothing loud after midnight, everything goes on the weekend, etc)
LAUNDRY FACILITIES Definitely ask about security Whether subletting is allowed (esp if you’re in college and might want to sublet for the summer) If you have a car, whether there’s parking/how much it costs What kind of heating/AC there is Procedure/response time for any maintenance How mail/packages are received/protected from theft (seriously people stealing your packages can be a huge problem) What kind of verification of your salary will they want, and in what circumstances will they accept a guarantor instead? Whether the apartment is furnished
Assuming you are in the middle of looking at/choosing between places: When does the lease start? Are you going to give preference to people based on when they can move in? Whether groups of a certain number of people get preference Really anything about who they prioritize for applications, it can save you a lot of trouble in trying to apply to places you’ll never get into
not something for asking the realtors, necessarily, but important rights you should be aware of as a tenant:
when and for what reasons are your landlords allowed to enter your home? how much of a notice should they give you before entering?
can the landlord make modifications to your home or apartment without your approval? to what extent?
what are the options and conditions for breaking your lease early if there’s an emergency? (this is ESPECIALLY important for anyone moving to a new state/considerable distance where you are not able to visit the apartment/home before you rent – students get taken advantage of ALL THE TIME with this shit)
if your first or last month at the property is a partial stay (i.e. you move in on july 15th, and rent is typically due on the first) make sure you don’t pay the full first month’s rent before you know the area laws! in many states, you are only legally required to pay for the time you are occupying the property
is renter’s insurance necessary? many apartments want at least 30k coverage, which can run a couple hundred dollars extra per year
are the landlords/property management liable for crimes on the property? for example, if your car was broken into. if not GET RENTER’S INSURANCE
-ask if there’s any property upkeep you can do to get a bit off the rent (aka, can they take 100$ off the monthly rent if you maintain the lawns/garden, etc.)
-ask if there’s been any consistent/frequent trouble with electricity/internet connectivity/cable if you have it
-what KIND of electricity?
-what kind of heating (hot water/electric)
-how secure is the neighborhood (if you don’t know)
-ANY PLUMBING ISSUES? check ALL the fucking taps, the showers, EVERYTHING WITH WATER to make sure it all works right.
-ANY PLUMBING ISSUES? check ALL the fucking taps, the showers, EVERYTHING WITH WATER to make sure it all works right.
I CANNOT SECOND THIS ENOUGH.
ALSO
- who last lived here? why did they leave?
- Do they charge an “amenities fee” (Around here you can’t avoid them at all now, but some places you might still be able to)
- Do they have a policy on rent increases? (Also check if there’s a legal limit to rent increases in the area).
- Are utilities paid in a separate check or with the rent?
- Are utilities metered or pro-rated (in older buildings it’s common to be charged by square footage and/or number of occupants, which can leave you subsidizing the people who turn the a/c down to 60 in the summer or the heat up to 80 in the winter - you may not be able to avoid this but it’s worth trying).
- Are there any switched circuits in the apartment. Buildings built in the late sixties through the early eighties often have switched circuits. If they do, then with the number of devices used these days you will probably have to have something important on the switched circuit - tape the switch in the on position! (Trust me).
- What are the rules on hanging pictures?
- Who is responsible for paying for and replacing bulbs in permanent fixtures? If it’s you and there’s a fixture with weird/unusual bulbs (globe style, chandelier style, etc) ask where you can buy the bulbs.
- What are the rules about pets? Do they have breed specific restrictions on dogs? Size restrictions on fish tanks? (Believe it or not that’s not uncommon).
This will be so useful once my lease is up thanks tumblr ☺️🙏🏾
If you have roommates, even if they’re your friends, ask what happens if one person moves out. Who is responsible for their rent? What about security deposit, how much is it and what do you have to do to document existing damages before you move in?
- It’s boring as hell, but read the lease before you sign it! Ask questions and clarify anything you notice that seems weird or that you don’t understand. I had a landlord that required I get the carpets professionally steam cleaned (which I didn’t realize until we were moving out because I didn’t read the entire lease) and another that tried to keep part of my security deposit because I didn’t pay for professional cleaning, but we got the money back because it wasn’t part of their lease that we’d signed.
- Take pictures/make detailed notes about damages already present on move-in. Add additional sheets to what they give you if needed because chances are they’re going to be just as nitpicky when you move out to try and keep part of your security deposit.
- An addition to the hanging pictures - ask what they allow you to use (nails/screws or tape only) and whether they want you to repair the holes to keep part of your deposit. If you’re planning to wall mount your TV, ask specifically about using molly bolts because they’re going to leave a much larger hole than a picture nail.
sometimes my mother tells me she loves me and i don’t want to say it back / i say it anyway. she taught me long ago that what i want is not as important as what other people need. i am still trying to untangle that lie. sometimes my father hugs me like i am all he has left in this world. i want nothing more than to leave. i stay because i carry his heart on my shoulders and my shoulders are already shaking. if i move it will fall. i refuse to break hearts if i can help it / i cannot always help it. yesterday i fell in love with an idea, with a floating cloud of dust / half-invisible / choking on air, on the particles of you. tomorrow i will try to remind myself to look at the stars. i will forget to stare at the sky but this is fine / this is fine / i can find them in your eyes just as easy. next week i will try to remind myself to hold your hand. i will forget. i am too busy staring at andromeda / the chained maiden. love never lasts and this is how i navigate home. l.s. | HIRAETH © 2017
i saw atlas sitting on the moon. his hands were empty, and the heavens lay in shattered fragments at his feet.
“did you drop them?” i asked “i threw them,” he said, “why should i endure these black and blue bruises? is the earth really worth it? are you?”
i turned away. the only answer i could give was the one he’d always known. it was the reason he’d let go.
l.s. | ATLAS LET GO © 2016
6/5-10pm
I wish to see you again.
Even though i know youre not good for me.
