WillowDraakje

18+ only NSFW I am my Devil's little angel.

[kidkitthekingslayer]

The fact that nobody is talking about Secret’s new commercials pisses me off

[softwhorecore-deactivated201812]

This makes me so happy ☺️

[iamhannalashay]

Yesssss😭 I damn near cried

[jaxuhmillion]

I LOVE THIS OMFG

[taylorzrealm]

YOOOOOOOOOOO THATS AMAZING!!!!!

[saiasus]

[trufflebootybuttercream-deactiv]

Can someone help me understand I wanna cry to ..I feel something went over my head

[writingsandwonders]

The woman in the bathroom is trans and is scared that if she comes out of the stall the women that walked in will insult or harass her. but when she comes out they compliment her on her dress instead. The add ends with saying “stress tested for women.” It means Secret is including trans women in their definition of women. 

[viragon]

I have reblogged this three times now, each one mentioning the fact that Secret not only included a trans woman, but that they /had the other women compliment her dress and treat her with respect/. I will reblog this every time I see it because it’s so important. More companies should involve trans people in their marketing - we do exist. Props to Secret for getting in on this movement. It makes me really happy to see more of the trans community represented in daily television.

[pokemon-professor-grey-deactiva]

Reblog the shit out of this

[yetanothertaylor]

We need more positive things like this!

[notyrqueer]

Okay but I did cry

[selfcare-sweetheart]

Reminders

- Go take your medicine if you haven’t already today

- Have you eaten within the last few hours? If not, go eat something.

- Have you drank any water today? If not, go drink a full glass of water. Dehydration causes migraines.

- Go shower if you haven’t today, or at least wash your face and brush your teeth. You’ll feel better, trust me.

- Are you tired? Take a nap if you feel you need it.

- If you haven’t gone outside at all today, take five minutes to go get some fresh air.

- You’re beautiful

- You’re doing so well

- I’m proud of you

- It’s okay to have a bad day

- Breathe

- I love you

[thegingerpowers]

and we fantasize about their plans…

[daddys-willow]

Omg yes!

[daddys-willow]

I made a mistake today. Sir and I have had an online relationship for nearly a year. Today, a friend of his said something about adding me on Skype since he and I don't get to talk much. Here was my mistake. I told him that I didn't think Sir would mind. Lemme repeat that. I didn't think Sir would mind. Now what's the problem with that? I assumed to know what Sir thought. I overstepped instead of letting Sir say what he thinks. I gave this guy hope that we would be able to talk outside of the chat site we visit. I shouldn't have done that without talking to Sir first.

Sir doesn't want me making such decisions for myself. He is protecting me. I took that away from Him when I essentially spoke for Sir. I need to remember that I am His property and there are certain things that he wants me to do so he can protect me. There's a reason behind this. I didn't think of that. He is my guardian, my protector, my lover, my confidante. There is never a time that I've found Him to be unreasonable. Speaking for Him and overstepping by doing that is disrespectful. Would I want Him doing the same for me? Well, yes but also no. He knows what's best for me but he also values my opinions. I should have gone to Him so we both could consider the request. I didn't do that in this case. I didn't value His opinion. I didn't even wait for His opinion before stating what I thought His opinion would be. He does this to protect me. I need to be more thoughtful. He needs to be at the forefront of my mind. In this case he wasn't. That makes me upset because I know better. So I'll keep my thoughts on Him more. I can't change what happened today but I can change how I react to things in the future. In our ever changing relationship, this is a good learning experience for me. After this post, there will be no more dwelling on what's happened. It's done. The lesson is learned. We will both move forward with our relationship.

[heartdrift]

— lessons in listening to your heart, and not your head

[thegingerpowers]

[verse50]

He brought me up to my knees and gently removed the ball gag, dripping with my spit.

“Are you ok?” he said, looking at me. “Can you breathe alright?”

I nodded and gave him a little smile. 

“I’m going to feel this mouth,” he said, putting his fingers inside. He rotated them around and felt at the back of my throat, watching my face the whole time.

“Suck my fingers,” he ordered. I did, relishing how I could relax my mouth now. My tongue felt so much better, too.

“Good,” he encouraged. “What about here? Nothing sore or hurt?” 

He felt my lips and chin. I shook my head and smiled more.

‘What’s your name?” I told him. “Where are you?” I replied again.

“Good girl,” he said, sincerely, kissing my forehead. He brought me in for a big hug and stroked my hair.

“You were so brave and sexy back there, baby. You did so well. I’m proud of you.” I clung to him, burying my face in his chest. The tears started to fall now, soft and releasing.

“That’s my girl,” he soothed, still stroking my hair. “Let it out, just hold onto me. It’s ok, baby.”

“I’m sorry!” I sobbed. “I don’t know why…I don’t want to ruin anything…”

“You aren’t ruining anything, sweetheart. Just let it out. It’s ok. I have you. Things were a little intense there, that’s all.” He was rocking me now, arms around me like a vise.

We stayed like that for a few minutes as my tears dried. He whispered to me, caressed my hair and shoulders, softly touched my ear and neck. I felt warm and protected, finally perfectly content. Then he turned my face up to his.

“How about a nice warm bath and you can tell me all about it, baby?”

“Yes, Sir,” I replied, giving him a big smile.

[instructor144]

This right here? This is aftercare. 

[daddys-willow]

Not punishment, but a reminder

Yesterday I forgot a rule. I forgot my orgasms are his. I forgot to ask permission. We have a rule that I ask to orgasm. If I don't receive a response in an hour, I may orgasm.

He is busy with work. I am busy with many things, including work. It has been a while since we've played. The distance between us makes schedules hard to align. Still, that rule is in place for a reason. He owns my orgasms.

I told him what I did and why I did it. I had completely forgotten about that rule. I needed to orgasm. I needed that itch scratched. Sir wasn't upset. He understood, but reminded me of the rule. I told Him that I had forgotten. I reminded Him of my horrible memory. He informed me that I would be reminded. Yes, online, but still the reminder would happen.

This morning I got online about 15 minutes before I was told to be there. I was nervous. I knew I had broken a rule, but was only getting a reminder about it. A spanking, but not one as a punishment would be. Not hard. No counting out the smacks.

I was emotional. I was nervous. I didn't know exactly what would happen. He came online. I didn't speak much at all. I was reminded that I wasn't being punished. I was being reminded so I wouldn't forget again.

Shaking as things began. Starting to tear up. Every smack caused me to wince. Tears started to fall, but I wasn't sobbing. I was letting out my disappointment in myself. Upset. Unable to really talk. I cried almost the whole time. Just tears flowing freely.

Afterward, I was still shaky. Still tearing up. A sense of relief came over me slowly. I was reminded that this was done with love. That He loves me. That is my lesson. Even though He has to remind me in a way that I won't soon forget, He does so with love. Even if He may have to punish me, He does so with love. I am still rolling this experience around in my head. How I feel about all this. I feel relief. This issue is done. All is forgiven. ❤️

[justadistractedlittle-deactivat]

What does it mean to be a smart submissive?

It means that you…..

1. Ask questions.

- If there is any doubt about what you’re doing, and it was instructed by your Dom, get clarification.

2. Are aware of what you need and what you want. 

- A necessity and a desire are two very different things.

3. Remain observant. 

- Be aware of your Dominants usual behavior, if something is off, mention it. Dominants are human too, they equally need and deserve comfort and understanding during rough times. D/s dynamic aside, be a good partner, care for each other on an intimate level, otherwise the relationship won’t last long.

4. Don’t shy from problems, even though confrontation makes you uncomfortable.

- It is important to address issues within the dynamic. If there is a conflict of interest, let it be known, otherwise it will never be resolved. 

5. Allow your Dom to bend your limits, not break them. 

- A gentle push is healthy, a rough shove is abusive.

6. Remain realistic.

- Your Dom can be in control of your world, do not let them be the only thing in it. Have hobbies, interests, work, school, something you can invest yourself into for your own benefit/growth and development. Also have other people to converse with, otherwise you are being isolated by your Dom, something that is common among abusers.

7. Do your own research about safety for certain activities. You are the first person responsible for keeping yourself safe.

- It’s like safe sex, never expect the other person to always have a condom when you can carry one yourself. The internet is a very useful/educational tool, if you’re reading this then you already have this at your disposal. Use it. 

8. Remember to respect yourself while respecting your Dom.

- Retain your sense of self while you are with your Dom. Don’t let your need to submit blind you to an inadequate “dominant” who just wants to take advantage of you.

9. Communicate.

- Communicate your needs, your discomforts, your concerns, your interests, your perspective, your likes, and just your thoughts in general. Regardless of how good your Dominant is, they are not a mind reader. It is imperative to communicate, especially if you are in a long distance relationship. 

However, there are times when you can be “too smart” of a submissive. Sometimes that’s a good thing, other times, not so much. This means that you’re beyond analytical, you never allow yourself to fully submit, and you obsess over being “the perfect submissive,” even though there is no such thing. This cautiousness can go from keeping yourself safe, to restricting yourself, very quickly. It is important to find that balance and more important to be with a Dom who has earned your trust.

Now this leads to the ultimate point that was to be made to me by writing this. I’m an educated, yet inexperienced, submissive. Am I a smart submissive? According to what I’ve written, it seems so, but I still disagree. I don’t see myself as being a “smart submissive,” I see myself as being a submissive with an intellect, an impulse to question the majority of things, and a reserved demeanor.

(March 19, 2018)

[cherishedproperty]

Meat-and-Potatoes D/s

When I first started in D/s, it felt like a missing piece of my soul had finally fallen into place. I felt for the first time like someone validated every desire I’d ever had. And then there were the rules! Such titillating, filthy rules… 

But something was missing. I couldn’t understand what it was. I was in a 24/7 dynamic with the rules and structure I craved. And I could feel his ownership in every moment, through my dripping arousal. Edging in the bathroom at work, wearing a plug on appointed days, using my body when he wanted in whatever way he desired. And this was a man that I loved deeply and had a long history with. But still, the dynamic didn’t sate me the way I had imagined.

I didn’t realize what was missing until much later, when I found that bone-deep fulfillment in another D/s relationship. I had wondered if maybe I was wrong about my need for submission and power exchange—if maybe it was just another kinky thing I liked. But what I realized is that you can have 24/7 D/s with someone you love and still get D/s wrong. The difference is in how you structure it and where you put your focus.

Now that I’ve learned what fulfills me, I’ve come to see power exchange relationships as falling into two groups. I call them cotton candy D/s and meat-and-potatoes D/s. My first D/s was cotton candy. It was sexy, happy fluff. It was exactly how I wanted to submit, and it was so easy to get lost in it. But it couldn’t sustain me. The thing about cotton candy is that it tastes great when you’re eating it, and 5 minutes later you’re starving again. 

Then there’s meat and potatoes. Meat and potatoes don’t bring the sugar rush that cotton candy does, but they sustain you so much longer. Meat-and-potatoes dynamics weave the power exchange into every part of the relationship. They are dynamics you can still feel when you’re doing the laundry or watching a movie together or focused at work. They do have candy. And holy wow, it is the best candy. But that’s not the core of it. 

Meat-and-potatoes dynamics are about fulfilling needs, not wants. They are about each partner taking seriously their responsibilities to one another and to the dynamic. Permission for an orgasm may be denied, not in favor of edging multiple times but in favor of completing an important work/school/home project. Instructions to wear nipple clamps under clothes are traded in for instructions to schedule that damn optometrist appointment OR ELSE. A ritual about being stripped and cuffed may not lead to face fucking and hard use, but to quiet snuggles at the end of a long day.   

When you build your dynamic on need fulfillment instead of wish fulfillment, it takes you down a much different path of communication. It guides Dominants to understand why their submissives make certain requests. It helps them find what their submissives genuinely need, not just what they say they need. And it helps submissives to anticipate their Dominants’ needs, even if that need is a night to themselves. These dynamics don’t rely on exciting sexual tasks to keep the ownership connection alive, because that connection flows through every interaction. Meat and potatoes may not have that jolt of excitement in every moment, but it leads to a power exchange that is much more sustainable and healthy. 

I thought rules and tasks would sate my deep hunger for power exchange. But the substance matters. My first D/s felt unfulfilling, but it wasn’t the D/s itself. It was the way we built it. And once I found a dynamic that gave me bone-deep fulfillment, I wasn’t starving anymore. 

[dominantlife]

Updated Library For Kinksters

I completed some major changes to the Library For Kinksters. Here is the update…

Aftercare

Aftercare 101

Aftercare For Dominants

Coping With Emotional Subdrop

Dom Drop

How To Make A Sub Drop Kit

Online Aftercare

sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare

Subdrop and Aftercare

Subspace and Aftercare

Consent

Consent & BDSM

Guide to Consent

Doms, Daddies & Masters

7 Fundamental Characteristics of A Daddy Dom

12 Characteristics Of An Ideal Submissive

25 Things Daddies Should Do For Their Littles

30 Rules For A Modern Gentleman

45 Things A Girl Wants, But Won’t Ask For

50 Rules for Daddies

100 Sweet Things You Can Do For Your Princess

101 Things To Do To Make Your Slave Feel Owned (loved)

Alternative Names For “Daddy”

Alternative Domme Titles

Aspects Of Control

Asserting Ownership - Rules

Daddy Up!

Defining A Daddy Dom

Dominants Need Training Also

Fun Tasks Daddies Can Give Their Littles

Help For New Doms

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive

How To Be A Good Dominant

How to Find a Submissive

Knowing when to be a Dom and when to be her Man

New to DDLG - A Daddy Dom

Observations On Doms By A Submissive

So you want to be a Dom?

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate her

Some Little Rules All Daddies Should Know

The Dom Commandments

Things for Daddies to Keep in Mind

What Being A Dom Is About - A Submissive’s Perspective

What does the title Daddy mean?

What is a Daddy Dom?

What is a Daddy Dom Mentor?

What It Means To Be A Dominant

What Makes A Good Dominant

Littles, Subs & Slaves

6 Questions Every Submissive Needs To Ask Her Potential Dominant

7 Common Types of Submissives

10 Tips For Living With A Sadist

10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

11 Red Flags Of An Abusive Dominant

26 Baby Girl Jobs

50 Things You Can Do For Your Daddy

A Bottom’s Responsibility

A Dominant’s Advice To His Submissive

A Man Who Knows You…

A Good Dom vs. A Bad Dom

Acid Test For Subs

Ask A Million And One Questions

Attraction to DD/lg: A Little’s Perspective

Baby girl or little? A brief introduction

Care and feeding of Daddies

Characteristics Of A Good Daddy

Coaxing The Daddy Dom Out Of Your Partner

Feminist Submissive

Finding Your Dominant

Good Rules For Middles and Littles To Live By

Guide For Young Newbie Sub Girls

How a Dom Behaves Shows How He Will Behave Towards You.

“How do I find Daddy?” A guide to help you safely find the Daddy you’re looking for.

How Does A Submissive Ask for Something from Their Dominant?

How To Find A Dom

How to Take Proper Care of Your Dom

I Solemnly Swear I Will Not Do This To Daddy

Novice Submissives

Physical abuse of littles - it is never OK

Signs Of A Fake ‘Dominant’

Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.

Submissives, Learning to Trust Your Instincts

Submissive Pride

Submissive Traits - Intelligence

Things My Dream Daddy Would Say To Me

What is a Little?

When newbie subs, with asinine “doms,” need to run away.

Why I call him Daddy

Your Rights As A Submissive

Long Distance Relationships

10 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship

Getting The Most Out Of A Long Distance Relationship

How To Make Long Distance Relationships Work

Long Distance Relationships - Tools To Cope

Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Contemplation: Sticking with plans

The Long Distance D/s Relationship

Mental Health

BDSM practitioners ‘healthier and less neurotic’ than ‘vanilla’ peers

Body image & BDSM

How to Get Over Feeling Sad

Is BDSM normal?

Love your Vulva – a self-esteem guide to your sensitive bits!

Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship

Meditation And Mindfulness

On Cutting

Steps For Letting Go of Painful Memories

Things to Do When You’re Anxious, Scared, or Just Need a Distraction

Tips for Recovering from Codependency

What Are Anxiety Disorders? (Infographic)

Why Do I Feel Unloveable?

Relationships

10 Habits of Happy Couples

10 Top Communication Mistakes

10 Types of Emotional Manipulators

12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You”

BDSM Breakups: All Good Things Must Come to an End

BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways

Collars and Collaring - A Personal Perspective

Communication Is Key

Concept Daddy Dom/Little Girl Relationships

Daddy Doms and their little girls

Daddy Doms, Baby Girls, Little Boys And More

Date Night In A Jar

DD/lg In Public

D/s and Domestication

Factors That Make A Relationship

Finding Love When You Least Expect It

Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests

How To Be Present In Your Relationships

How To Build A Healthy Relationship

How To Get What You Want In A Relationship

How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”

How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level

Importance Of Confidence In RelationshipsImportance Of Trust In A Relationship

Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship

Needy Girls Are Daddy Dom Bait

Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore

Searching for a D/s partner?

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships

Stop Arguments Before They Start

The Rewards of a Submissive

Types Of Relationship Insecurity

Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

What Is Real Love?

When He Doesn’t Call

Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better

Safety

Another life ruined because of the morality police

Bondage Basic Safety: Crops, Paddles & Bondage!

Kinks, Risks, How To And Why Sometimes You Shouldn’t

Limits in BDSM

What is Emotional Abuse?

Self Improvement

10 Tips for Creating a Happier Life

10 Steps To Self Care

10 Ways To Be Happy

10 Truths To Live By

Guaranteed Ways To Be More Attractive

How to be Yourself

How To Deal With Your Enemies

How To Ignore Haters

How to Recognize a Toxic Friend

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Slut Shaming Explained

Tips for Healing a Broken Heart

What are the Signs of a Jealous Friend?

Sex

50 Cunnilingus Tips from Women

Basics of Breath Play

D/s or Kinky Sex?

Fetishes Explained

How To Make A Girl Squirt

How To Tell Your Son About Sex

Intersection of BDSM and Queer Heterosexuality

Sensual Biting

Sex: Myths & Stereotypes

Sex: Practical Details

Sex: Pregnancy and Birth Control

So You Want To Try Anal? A Practical Guide For Women

Squirting Educational Video

Squirting Notes

Toys

Advice on Dildos and Buttplugs

BDSM on a budget

Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)

Training

10 Considerations for Inexperienced Subs

30 Things You Can Do For Your Human Kitten

40 Very Important DD/lg Facts

Age Play: A Short Guide

BDSM for Beginners: Safe and Affordable Play

DEFINED: SSC (Safe, Sane & Consensual) & RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)

Etiquette in BDSM Part 1

Etiquette in BDSM Part 2

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 1 - Beginnings

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 2 - The Dominant Mind

Glossary of BDSM Terms

Guide To Blood Play

Guide To Bruising

Guide To Talking Dirty

Guide To Wax Play

How Do I Get Started In BDSM?

How to Make a Blanket Fort/Cuddle Nest

How To Make A Comfort Box

Introduction To BDSM

Newbie’s Guide To Vaginal Fisting

Punishments in BDSM Relationships

Red Flags For Online BDSM Relationships

Some Thoughts On Rules

The Leash Has Two Ends - Responsibility

The Need For Rules and Discipline

Topping from the bottom

[pretty-lil-mess]

Always a reblog because why???

Education is 🔑 Knowledge is 💪🏻

ʚїɞk

[feministsubmissivedesires-deact]

Some very good information, opinions, and insight that has helped me contextualize my desires and better understand this community.

[articulatemaster]

Invaluable….

[baby-vee-honey-blog]

How to treat your girlfriend, who's been a victim of rape and/or sexual assault

1. Tenderly. Show her love, show her compassion, treat her gently. Some days she needs to be treated delicately.

2. But, treat her like she’s strong. She is. Let her know that you know she’s a warrior.

3. Check, and double check, and triple check that she is completely comfortable with any sexual activities the two of you partake in. Don’t just accept a yes. Check for body language, her facial expressions, her tone of voice. Do not go forward until you have established her comfort fully.

4. Don’t get upset when she isn’t comfortable doing whatever sexual activity you suggest. Dont be pushy, and never force it. Let her set the boundaries. Respect them.

5. Don’t become upset if she suddenly seems far away, or like she’s not paying attention, during sex. She’s probably disassociating. Stop. Do not continue to have sex with her. Let her come back to life.

6. Encourage, and if she’s comfortable, participate in her healing. If she needs help finding a therapist, or wants to see a psychiatrist, or needs a support group, do what you can to help her with these needs.

7. Do not ask about parts of her story she doesn’t readily tell. Maybe she’ll tell you details, maybe she won’t. Let her share what she wants and don’t pry into what she doesn’t. Never, ever suggest doubt or blame on any part of her story. Expect to be met with extremely negative emotions if you try to invalidate her.

8. When she wakes up crying during the middle of the night from the nightmares she has about her incident or attacker, get her a glass of water. Make her tea. Comfort her in some way.

9. Remind when you have to that it wasn’t her fault. That she is still a wonderful and beautiful and whole human being who has so much to offer the world. She will have periods of extreme depression. She will feel like she is worthless, or dirty or incomplete. She may feel suicidal or have self destructive behaviors. Help her see the good in herself when she cannot.

10. Stand up for her, and all other victims of rape or sexual assault when it comes to victim blaming. Slut shaming. Your friends making rape jokes and talking about fucking too drunk girls. Discourage this behavior. Call them out on being fucking shit bags. Have her back.

11. Be honest, all the time. She probably has extreme trust issues. Help her heal these. Help her regain trust in people.

12. Treat her in ways that pamper and relax her physically. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but if you can afford it pay for her to get her nails or hair done, maybe get a massage. Feeling comfortable in your own skin, let alone having a stranger touch it, after an assault is extremely difficult. I’ve found small activities like these have helped me personally become more comfortable with touch overall.

13. When it comes to your physical interactions with her, always start slow. Always approach slow. Kiss her gently, hug her softly, until you fully understand her comfort level with touch.

14. Avoid her triggers. If she can’t stand to watch movies that have scenes of rape or sexual assault, don’t bring her to them or have them on while she’s around. If there was a song related to her attack, don’t play it when she can hear it. Learn what these might be from her and do your best to keep them out of her life.

15. Give her the attention she needs when she needs it, and the alone time she needs as well. If she doesn’t want to be around you it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, she just needs time to herself. All people do, but in my experience victims can be much more one way or another on the spectrum, meaning she may crave constant attention, or want much more alone time than you’re used to.

16. Accept her, and her trauma. And if you can’t deal with the truth and ugliness that comes along with rape- the PTSD, the flinching at intimacy, the night terrors, the poor communication skills, the sometimes desperate need to be validated in feelings and love- then leave. She is who she is because of what has happened to her. You cannot take her trauma away. You cannot change her. You can try and help but you’ll never repair the damage that was done. The last thing she needs is a man coming into her life and treating her like shit because she was ASSAULTED.

17. Assure her of your love and protection often. Tell her you’ll never hurt her, and don’t. Tell her you love her, and mean it. And then act on it. Be a good partner, and be a good lover. Rape and assault victims are incredibly strong and beautiful people, who are able to offer so much compassion and love to the world because they have seen and felt the exact opposite of compassion and love. They have felt hatred and pain and control, and many of them will go above and beyond to prevent others from feeling these things.

If any of this seems too difficult for you, or maybe you just don’t want to do it.. Don’t date that girl. You don’t deserve her, and she deserves a partner who will treat her like she’s meant to be treated. And to all my fellow rape and sexual assault survivors, do not put up with a man (or woman) who doesn’t think about your trauma and do what he has to to be in a relationship with you. If the partners you’ve been with aren’t living up to the standard you need, just stay single. You’ll meet someone someday who will be perfect for you, and treat you gently, and kiss your tears away and calm your fears, and make you remember that sex can feel good and be fun and not be a painful and tortuous trip into your own head time and time again. You’ll meet someone who will care for and respect your body. And it will all be worth the wait. You are beautiful, strong, and WORTHY.

[avisionabstract]

This is so important !!!!!

[lydialebrun]

And this is why I love Tumblr

[honey-nympho]

I’m so glad I have a partner like this after both of my experiences with this. I wish I could have been there like this for my boyfriend after his experience (it was before we met)

[shaethebanana]

MESSAGE

[cynicaldom]

Why It’s Worth It

Amy has often asked me the following question. What makes the responsibilities on my end of our 24/7 D/s relationship worth the effort? Why is it worth it to me?

She says that she asks that question because filling in my role of our relationship sounds like hell to her. I take on the stress of major financial decisions, it’s my responsibility to make sure we’re ok whatever comes. Her healthcare is prioritized over mine, things I need done are postponed for long periods of time so she can have the same things done. I need to show her I’m watching over her everyday, and know that she will be hurt if I ever fail to do so. Still the question seemed odd to me. From my perspective, I do have to take responsibility and make sacrifices sometimes but it isn’t something I’ve felt negative or painful about. I’ve never asked myself that question on my own. But really that just puts a finer point on the question, why don’t those things feel negative?

My first attempt to answer her question was to describe the pleasure I get from her sexual submission. While that’s certainly true and an aspect of it, that isn’t the core of my feelings. My second attempt was to describe the feelings of trust & power I get from our relationship. I was closer this time but again felt like I was missing the mark somehow. I was just making a list of pleasureful things I get out of our relationship, not describing why those things were worth the effort. It’s a subtle but important difference. If the answer is just the pleasures I get out of our relationship, why would I still not chafe at the responsibilities required to get them? If the pleasures were the animating factor, that doesn’t explain why there still wouldn’t be some part of me that was resentful of the sacrifice. That meant there was something about that responsibility that I found satisfying, but why exactly?

I didn’t fully understand my own feelings. We continued to dance around the question, each time I felt like maybe we were getting closer. After several conversations over a period of months I think I finally have a real answer. 

I deserve only what I’ve earned, besides human rights. And earning something, deserving it, makes consuming whatever it is more valuable to me. Working and sacrificing for something gives it meaning.

It’s hard to describe how much I value Amy’s submission. Earning something so great requires paying a great price. It requires putting her needs first. It requires being able to make great sacrifices.

Amy’s submission is so valuable that when we both feel that I deserve this thing that is so valuable, it makes me feel incredibly valuable.

It would of course still feel pleasurable to experience her submission with no effort of my own put forth, but to feel like I earned something so powerful evolves that pleasure into satisfaction. Knowing that Amy is not role-playing, that because of my actions she feels that I truly deserve to be submitted to is such an incredible feeling. A feeling of validation so immense that I do not know how to properly describe it.

I don’t know what sacrifice wouldn’t be worth that.

[docsplayroom69]

[sccwriting]

[submit-yield-obey]

What role does consent play in your relationship? How did you establish it, and how do you maintain it?

i am not currently in a D/s relationship, meaning i am not looking to a dom as my “Sir” or my “Master,” however, i do have trusted playmates of the D variety and the principles are the same, so….here goes. 

Consent is mandatory for play.

No exceptions. That statement can stand alone.

How do W/we establish it? Communication, discussion, limits, agreement. 

Before Y/you play with anyone,Y/you need to know Y/your own limits. If you don’t know what an activity is, put it on Y/your limits list. Limits aren’t written in stone. They can and will change over time.

Some things will move off your limit list and some things that weren’t a limit initially may make their way onto the list. But either way, Y/you need to know what they are so Y/you can communicate them to whomever Y/you are considering playing with.

i love dancing on the edge of the cliff, but i need to know where the drop off is and so does my partner, and that is what limits tell Y/you.

It doesn’t matter if Y/you are playing from the D side of the room or the s side of the room, know Y/your limits and talk about them.

And then talk about them. And then talk some more. And then keep on talking until Y/you are comfortable enough with the person Y/you are considering to take the next step. And then the next step. 

BDSM isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. 

And the way to maintain consent is safe words and checking in (which also happens to be communication.) my safe words let Him know that my consent is present and active. When He checks in, it’s to make sure my consent is still there.

During play my favorite check ins are when He pauses the play, and tells me to tell Him my safe words and what they mean. It’s a very “dom” way of asking if i’m okay without His stepping out of his role. And if i’m not coherent enough to answer, He stops the play. Consent is just as important to Him as it is to me. If i can and do answer correctly the play continues with both of us certain that consent is present. 

Outside of play there is still talking about things. Everyday things, play things, things He does or doesn’t like, things i do or don’t like, things He wants to try, things i want to try, so many sexy things, so many conversations.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a new relationship, or a longstanding one, if He is your Sir, your Master, or a close friend who likes to do wicked, brutal, beautiful things to you, when Y/you talk, when Y/you communicate, Y/you deepen the connection, deepen the understanding, deepen the trust. And all of that serves to make for some pretty glorious play. :)

~sandi

[a-dominant-man-deactivated20150]

Good good words from an amazing woman…   Pay attention everyone!

[dom50sir-deactivated20150112]

Ladies, please pay attention to the above in order to see what this life is all about. Gentlemen, please pay attention to the above in order to play properly.

Consent; informed and active consent, is the most vital and important consideration in this lifestyle. Without it, then it is simply abuse in its basic form. At worst, it’s inhuman, inconceivable, (or should be), and criminal. It is also NOT BDSM! If you engage in this activity without consent you are NOT a dom, you are an abuser!

[submit-yield-obey]

Some things change, some things stay the same. i am currently in a committed D/s relationship. Everything i said then still applies. :)

~sandi

[sccwriting]

Reblogging, because it’s worth saying more than once. 😊

[instructor144]

This is brilliant: “During play my favorite check ins are when He pauses the play, and tells me to tell Him my safe words and what they mean. It’s a very “dom” way of asking if i’m okay without His stepping out of his role. And if i’m not coherent enough to answer, He stops the play.” I’ve always done that pretty much instinctively. 

[mr-growly-pants]

Coffee Thoughts

I feel that those of us in the D/s community here on Tumblr have a responsibility to portray this lifestyle in a non sexual way. Sure, discussions on limits and safeswords are important. I just happen to believe that we should focus on how we each work on the integration of D/s into our busy lives. Jobs, children, family, friends, interests, goals, travel, etc. are what fill our days, not just sex. That’s what I think newcomers truly need to hear. That D/s is not a 50 shades roller coaster of glamorous dates and kinky sex. If you can’t make D/s work without kink, then I don’t believe that it’s truly D/s.

[submissive-seeking]

@patientlydominant, in my opinion, has it pretty much right. But I’d add my female subby 2 cents too…

I know for me that being able to see my subby and kinky/masochistic self reflected back to me by other women was (and still is) huge! It’s not like the vanilla world supports female vanilla sexuality and choice, let alone kinky fuckery anyways.

So, my blog is a reflection of the many aspects of me: submissive soul, wife, mother, runner, forest dweller, medical professional and nerd girl, aging and struggling with it, chief cook and baker by choice, tequila loving, Costco shopping, foodie, music loving Barbie Badass wildchild …

[hilarioushumorfromouterspace]