It always comes back to love. That precious thing always kept from her, that hole in her chest that begs for filling, that hunger never sated no matter what she does. She's killed for it, died for it, and it always seems to escape her.
No, that's not entirely true. Nier has loved, and she is loved. Back in the Sky Realm, she has Lyria, Vyrn, and her dear captain. Three people she would do anything for, and who she knows would do the same for her. She knows that's love, and she felt at peace back home, but without them, that balm is missing. People here care for her, and she cares for them, but is it the same? So few people know the truth of what she did, so how can she be sure they would feel the same afterwards?
Well, Mika didn't reject her, but...
"I-I don't know... It's only recently that I've begun to see that love is- or, it should be equal..." she says, her voice still shaking. "I used to look for anyone who would accept me, but it only ever made things worse... But once I finally found someone I could be equals with, someone who would accept every part of me... I ended up here."
Her mind begins to drift to a dangerous nostalgia. Scenes of blue skies, replicated stars, and blood-red roses. The feel of the captain's hand wrapped around hers, the beating of their heart, the warmth of their smile. All things taken from her, and only the knowledge that she will, she must find those things again gives her the strength to continue. And while Nier clings to the kindness of Cherie's words, she also knows that words can be hollow.
"...But is it wrong to lie? Sometimes a lie can make people happy, just like how the truth can make them miserable," says Nier. Her hand reaches up, holding Cherie's hand against her cheek. "There was a time where I'd accept any of those honeyed lies, just because the truth would always hurt... I'd accept a fake love over a real rejection. All those men, all those promises... And yet, when I visited that hurt on them, they made me out to be the bad person..."
Nier closes her eyes, a thousand venomous confessions threatening to tumble from her lips. "If I lied to Mika, maybe I could've been happy, eventually. Maybe we could've lived and loved in a blissful lie... Or maybe not. Maybe that would be thinking too little of her..."
She finally lets go of Cherie's hand, her eyes returning to their typical glassiness. She recalls the memories from months ago that are not quite hers- recollections of the worker drone that called itself Nier, and how she wanted to prove the love between herself and Mika via consumption, by literally becoming one.
Nier can understand that, that desire to make someone yours and yours alone by bloody consummation. Maybe she should've done that with Mika. No, death isn't permanent here, it wouldn't have worked.
"Yes, she does surround me," murmurs Nier. "And I'd never forget that. And I love her too, because she showed me what love really is... She was the first one, actually..."
Nier's ears flutter for a moment, and she looks up at Cherie. "O-oh, I'm sorry, I haven't really introduced you, have I? It must sound odd, to hear me talking like that... Cherie, this is Death."
Black fog pours from her body, rising up in the air and coalescing into Death's lithe form. "I did not want to interrupt, my beloved... But knowing the pain in your heart pains me, as well..."
The primal beast laces her arms around Nier's shoulders, resting her head against the erune's.
"Death is the first one who ever showed me real acceptance," says Nier. "And she freed me from my family, too... So I'm not worried about deserving love, it's just... Why can't I get what I want?"
