hi! hello!

[decadentstegosaurus]

Hi guys!

I planned to make first post more introductory, but what’s more representing than running after the bus that didn't wait anyway, next bus not appearing and ending up in uber.

So as i am sitting in backseat i want to introduce myself.

My name is Dominika i’m 18 years old for 16 days now. I live in Poland and i was born here but first years of my life i was living in Germany because of my father’s job. I was supposed to be born in India because of the same reason. I still travel a lot. I have a patchwork family, like really, almost every child is from different set of parents. I’m homeschooled since September 2023 and i enjoy it a lot. I practice fencing that i started along with homeschooling. Music and cats are love of my life.

If you are reading this i would love to get to know you. Tell me about yourself! How is your day going? What do you like?

Bisous („kisses”, fr.)

-Dominika

[decadentstegosaurus]

I never thought I would ever reduce the amount of training, at most I would increase it. When my physiotherapist asked me “You should practice only one day a week” I laughed at him. Now I found myself in the time where I train only once a week. Not bc of paralysis in my shoulder, but bc of my heart. I tried to ignore both of these problems but every time it ended the same, me sad in the bus going home early bc i am useless either with pain in my arm or pain in my chest. I’m really bitter over this. My body is failing me my whole life but now it’s taking away my only way to escape everyday life. The fencing club is my home and i used to be there as much as i can, there was a time i was there since 4 pm until midnight. Normally i would practice 13 hours a week of only fencing, now i can go only up to 4 hours (one day) in the club, + 1 physio, + gym 2 or 4 hours bc of uni. It’s really devastating for me. My coach started putting me with newcomers to show them how to do certain things and he said that i am gaining his trust, at least if I am not good enough in bouts bc of health I can still be better at theory. And usually I am even better than the good competitors. That’s cool i think

Today i was introduced with a new “crew” i would say. I got assigned to specialist cardiology clinic. I was kinda worried bc it wasn’t a private institution unlike the others i’ve been to. But my new “crew” is so kind, i’m saying crew bc it’s my main cardiologist who is taking care of my tests, second cardiologist is doing the tests and assisting the first one and there’s also a nurse who is managing my medical documents and visits in the clinic. It was a surprisingly nice visit today, i even had a laugh with them about their ability to work out new systems in the computer. One of them also told me he trained in my fencing club 50 years ago, crazy how small is this world

I hope they will find what’s wrong with my heart bc everybody seems to be troubled by my health problems and finding the solutions or what’s even wrong with me specifically. But they promised me that they will help me

I also drew and printed this little guy for club’s cabinet in the break between studying for finals

[hikes-and-moans]

“Where have you been?” Survival mode. Trying to survive.

[decadentstegosaurus]

i have discovered my free will

it’s funny but yeah i discovered i have a free will because i wanted to eat granola with yogurt for breakfast

i always hated that yogurt is much sour with granola and yesterday i came to ground breaking conclusion — i can add coca powder

i am not obligated to eat fuckin yogurt as it is, why haven’t i think of that in 19 years of my life

i feel like i discovered the truth about life honestly this is so stupid

i don’t have to do anything i don’t like doing without at least trying to make it nicer for myself

[decadentstegosaurus]

hello 2026

goals i had for my new year’s eve party

a) do not mix

b) do not get wasted

c) do not make stupid things

d) do not get hangover

things i did on new year’s eve party

a) mixed beer and vodka (only 2x4 so wth)

b) threw up and passed out missing out on anything which happened between 22pm and 2am

c) before i passed out i had make out session with some girl i met there and woke up with hickeys afterwards and “you gonna kill yourself but there are photos” when i complained to one friend when i returned

d) didn’t get hangover per se but i wasn’t well either definitely

as for mixing, i always mix i never get drunk i never throw up and never got hangover, it was onetime i was worried about all of these things and they happened like why is it always like that, someone points something useless to me and it happens only that time but i realized it could be my heart medication

as for passing out fortunately or unfortunately my friends took care of me, i’m sorry for them especially since one of them never party and never drink when they left me in the room some dudes came in greeting me with “oh girlfriend is passed out” and i was so frightened but they just argued for an hour which i was mediating half conscious bc they wanted to fight and everything went great i thought but then i heard there was a fight and guy’s nose got broken

as for the girl, my three other friends ended up in the same situation, one of them didn’t get any for of contact, one of them wanted to talk with the girl when sober (not sure if that happened), one of them talked with me and we decided to leave him and her in the past, but her boy was a player that’s why, but mine was beautiful girl and i got a way of contact, sort of, maybe i can’t stop thinking about it bc the form of contact is more complicated than i thought it will be but maybe it will be better to leave this, what happened at the party stays at the party i guess

as for hangover i left at 4pm, around 20 people stayed for the night we were supposed to clean the house, i woke up at 9am and started cleaning with some dude, then everyone started waking up and ironically the more of us were active the less cleaning was done. We ended up all sitting in my friend’s bedroom and talking, everyone in bad condition, i was drying my hair after shower using an electric heater and used my friends concealer to cover hickeys bc i was leaving for birthday party afterwards honestly core memory

definitely i got moral hungover, idk if the concept is known in other countries than poland but yeah it speaks for itself

[decadentstegosaurus]

i have this weird trait that i force myself to eat things i don’t like on daily basis, and i know i don’t like them bc i hate eating them my whole life but every time i do that i am convinced “maybe i started liking this food and i don’t know yet” even if i tried it the day before

so for example i hate coconut, banana and semolina so every time i choose mousse to eat durning practices i choose not the one i like i make myself eat the semolina with banana and coconut flakes. I hate every moment of eating this but i know i will repeat this when i have an occasion bc maybe i like it now

and yesterday i had a breakthrough in research bc after 5 years of forcing myself to eat puddings i started to tolerate it

so if you ever wondered if you can force yourself to liking some food i guess it’s possible after years of thinking “nah maybe i changed my mind maybe i don’t hate it anymore” and regretting it bc you have now a bowl of pudding to eat through

cheers!

[decadentstegosaurus]

i just had a nightmare and i’m afraid to go back to sleep so hi hello

lately i’ve been trying to write here a description of some events. It’s especially hard since a lot of things happened.

i nearly got 2nd place in a fencing tournament. I went back to practicing swimming. I’m the best from my group and i mean i am the best since for example we have to do freestyle for warm up and they are getting swimming boards yk the ones for learning. Later on i discovered they are in fact worse bc i am not in the advanced group i signed for. They switched me to semi advanced bc there were no advanced people to make a group.

i’ve been couple times gokarting and it was awesome. I went to the different city for my birthday with my dad. Where i was gokarting, watching a festival things like a runway show, and went to the comics convention and got a culture shock a little bit.

i’ve also started university. I’m one of two women in my major. And she’s basically non present so it’s only me and men yuck. I got to know one guy and we quickly clicked to be friends. We stopped socializing with the rest and started our own group. I introduced him to my childhood friend and he introduced me to his. We were having a lot of fun. But, he quickly revealed that he fell in love with my friend. But she’s kinda like me, flirty by nature, she wanted a friend not a boyfriend. And thats not the first situation like this. I had to manage whole situation to not be a bigger shitshow. But in the end we dogged a bullet honestly. I won’t go into details but i am proud of myself for guiding them both through this

as for uni. I think i got this. I did my assignment first and the general who’s our lecturer commented me on the forum for being first and the quality of my work. We have a lot of online lectures and with time passing we start to appreciate that more.

it’s the first time i have a real friend group doing real fun things. we spend a lot of time together and it’s awesome. I hope it won’t die out too soon bc of the broken hearts thing. We’re going for a two day trip to the thermal baths in the mountains on monday. It will be fun for sure

bisous,

Domi

[decadentstegosaurus]

sorry I died for a moment. A lot happened during that time. Starting with the training camp, which was tough but fun. At the tournament on the last day, everyone praised my progress. It was so nice. During the camp, I started having problems with my legs, experiencing extreme pain all the time. I still don't know what it was, but it's better now. After the camp, I was convinced I'd be returning to psychotherapy soon because how bad i felt, sleeping a lot tired all the time and crying every night. Mainly because my request to change my exam score was rejected. After my friends returned from their camp, we celebrated my best friend's birthday and it was great. After feeling unwell again during training, I wrote to my cardiologist that the new form of medication (2.50 mg in one pill instead of two) wasn't working well. He gave me a new prescription, and I was very lucky it actually worked because I had a competition two days later. My favorite moments from that time were the competitions, which went quite well, 5th place. But I'm proud of myself because everyone praised me. I love them. We ended up sitting in our club drinking and talking until 2:00 a.m. Last Tuesday, we celebrated my friends' victory in that competition and we stayed up late talking too. I got a little drunk, I'm starting to have a weak head, haha. Oh the evening before the competition i went to the theatre with my friend and we ended up in a bar with our elementary school classmates afterwards. It wasn’t something i expected to ever happen but it went pretty good. Anyway this time was equally awesome and awful but it’s good. I’m going to uni in about a month so stressed geez

sorry for vocab i wrote it with a translator bc i’m so tired i can’t but i want to write an update before i forget the longer it takes me the longer description i have to write i hope i will get myself to make more updates for future me

[decadentstegosaurus]

i just got into bed and i’m dead

i had such a tough workout that I thought I'd cry on the way home. The worst part is that I'm leaving for camp tomorrow and we're starting training right away. Idk how i will survive that after today

additionally, our days start at 6:00 a.m. and end after 10:00 p.m., de facto curfew is at 11:00 p.m. and all this time is filled with trainings with breaks only for meals

i will not survive that

[decadentstegosaurus]

i went on a bike trip with my friend yesterday wich we ended up in our fencing club. My group has practices only two days a week so today was only for advanced group. I decided to take a part in it. Since i got prescribed the heart medications i decided test them and take a part in exercise called colloquially “puking” bc it results in people feeling bad. I survived but probably only bc the coach instructed me to run slower bc i tend to be problematic in these therms haha. I started from pulse 204 per minute after the first round so i don’t blame him for being cautious. It was funny how he was like

when i said i had 189 after the next round. He wanted me to run even slower bc we were aiming to get me to 150 max. But this is a sign that my medication is working bc i would pass out probably in the first round normally. At the end i had to go home on a bike ;-; it wasn’t as hard as getting the courage to go upstairs to bed

i woke up today, everything hurts and i have to go to my practice in the evening haha ._.

but i am proud of myself for not giving up at least

my fiend wants to kill me bc i knew they will have this exercise since coach told me about his plans the day before. But she needs to understand that he would kill me even more if i told anyone especially her bc she wouldn’t go to the practice 😭

[decadentstegosaurus]

after yet again loosing consciousness durning fencing practice two days ago i went to the doctor. And finally after battling with health system i got treated without the attitude “woman so that’s just being dramatic and overly emotional”. I got prescription for medication to lower my heart rate and maybe it will bring some of functionality to my life that i never had

honestly it’s crazy how much of appointments i had to attend to get medical attention i needed. Bc i would rather to get palpitations bc of my emotions not bc i risked my hands or stood up but no mr doctor i am not getting emotional over these things. Seriously how many times i need to repeat to people things so they understand me. If i’m hurting i know i’m hurting and i know the difference between panic attack and hyperventilation like guys i know what’s going on in my head the best bc i am thinking my thoughts 😭

you cannot tell me that i had literally heart attack symptoms or i passed out multiple times bc i was hyperventilating in the middle of minor physical activity was caused by me thinking about something emotional. Then they are like “so maybe you’re moving too little and you are in poor condition” i am training at least 6 hours a week. I’ve been practicing multiple sports throughout my life

let’s think hmmm, i am practicing sports, i eat healthy, i don’t smoke i drink rarely and i had these symptoms my whole life. Yeah of course it must be my fault that i have tachycardia constantly. Like yeah, obviously i am too emotional or i should practice more bc i have 100 heartbeats per minute as my usual pulse. Not like heart problems are genetically in my family. No that’s just my fault. Tottaly

i hate health system i’m relived someone decided to help me and hopefully this treatment will bring positive results. I have a check up in two weeks so we will see but i’m happy either way since someone listened to me

[decadentstegosaurus]

i died for a bit but i’m back

i had a horrible time lately bc the baccalauréat results came back worse than i expected. I had to write an appeal for one of extended exams and one of basic level bc my teacher believed that they graded me wrong

bc of that i wasn’t accepted in any university at any major i choose. And to write an appeal i had to go back to the hometown by a plane across the country from vacations. Then go back by a train. All of that just for them to deny my appeal. I still think they graded me wrong especially with their explanation and reasoning but i’m too tired to fight with the system

i decided to go to the private university, firstly it was meant to be a law major as i intended on public one but the cybersecurity one caught my eye and i’m going to apply for that. At the end i got onto the waiting list for one of public majors but even if i get in I’ll probably stick with private cybersecurity. I’m not sure if it’s going to work out bc i only know four coding languages and not exactly on advanced level and it’s not only coding but other things but we will see. I’m doing some courses now to gain some knowledge on that aside of doing a car license. Also this major is in law department not informatics or mathematical so it could be different. I think it’s a good idea and i feel lighter with it than law one less pressure definitely and more certain job path

i cried so much, i feel exactly like i’m in the state i was before i went to therapy for depression couple years ago, i came home from vacations today and my mom noticed that i have gray hairs so adulthood is definitely not good for my mental health 😭

[decadentstegosaurus]

today a man in the fencing club wished me some things for my name day, and he told me that he sees that i am better now

i never thought that people noticed, me getting netter nor me not being fine at the beginning of me being in the club

that’s nice to hear, that someone else appreciates that i’m doing better but i wonder how people perceived me back then

also about getting better i got so many compliments on my dueling skills from more advanced people that i was genuinely shocked hod good it went today especially when it started terrible bc i can’t stand hot weather, maybe not that i stand it, well that too, but in not dealing with it very well, its weird how my body reacts sometimes bc i literally can lament about how i am boiling and next second i am shivering with goosebumps bc for some reason i’m cold out of nowhere

last couple days i forget everything and it’s annoying, but what’s more annoying is that i started stuttering, i have never experienced stutter in my life and now it appeared bothers me couple times a day and it’s so frustrating i never had this problem before

[decadentstegosaurus]

there’s p in raspberry WTFFFF

[decadentstegosaurus]

i can’t 😭

i just downloaded a daily fact widget and my pinterest board has perfect timing

[decadentstegosaurus]

i was taking a bath earlier and every couple minutes (i guess, i don’t know how long) i was jerking up as i would be asleep but i wasn’t, it’s so weird like i was lying in water with my eyes closed and the second i closed them i was immediately drifting away in thoughts like scenarios but more like dreams but still not asleep

i wider if that was daydreaming i heard about but i’m not sure, really similar to how vivid my dreams are the thought process similar to scenarios but my scenarios are more of retelling certain memories or wondering what will happen in the nearest future but not as real as this one

it was cool tho i don’t remember it in contrast to me remembering all of my dreams

i actually went to sleep afterwards and had very interesting one but i can’t explain it with words tbh

[decadentstegosaurus]

i can’t, i woke up at 3 am with my neck hurting so much that i couldn’t move it and i called my mom on the phone she didn’t pick up i was so scared i started shouting and she came massaged my back bc it was really tense wich could me the reason and put mi down on floor to sleep on something hard in the morning it was again bad and i vomited from pain after a lot of compresses gels painkillers i can move it a little bit more but still i can’t look straight forward

the worst part is that i had an amazing sunday and i want to go to the practice tomorrow and on wednesday i’m going for a sleepover at my friend’s and then another practice and the biggest one of all a party for the end of fencing season which is an awesome day

last normal party at our fencing club was for no reason and i stayed there for around 12 hours this time it will last probably almost 24 XD