mmmmm yeah. just another element of tokenization to stack on top. now he's gotta be Palatable Gay. now he's gotta be Corporate Gay. now he's gotta be sexless, above all blame & reproach. pulling double model minority duty. he's gotta work even harder to ignore it every time he gets a "pretty boy" or a "twinkle toes" on the ice or in the locker room because it's said in a different tone of voice, now. they really mean it, now, in an ugly way that makes him feel kind of sick if he thinks about it too hard. overnight he becomes hockey's token twink and he's gotta live every day knowing that the whole hockey internet sphere thinks (knows) he's a bottom. that everybody thinks (knows) he's less of a man. in some ways he's not even really a man at all anymore in the eyes of the public. special edition Pride Tape, by Shane Hollander. every june billboards up everywhere with some bullshit tagline like I'm true to myself, in #mycalvins. featuring Shane Hollander. is reebok an ally? is rolex his friend? does anything he's doing matter at all to queer youth? or are they just saying that to try and make him feel better? is he making a difference? should he actually be trying to make a difference? was it worth it? will it ever get easier? is it ever going to be worth it? is it too late to take it back? is it too late to hide again, to be perfect again, to give perfect polite press-ready answers in perfect polite fucking french and keep this for himself, just this one fucking thing, all to himself? because every day it skins him raw. every day he exhausts himself by worrying about optics. Gatorade's Pride Month campaign featuring Shane Hollander and the ad is just another faceless man pouring Gatorade into Shane's mouth because that's what he does now. it's all tongue-in-cheek now. i'm gay, remember? don't forget. every four weeks a mic'ed up scandal where another player calls him a slur and it goes mega viral and shane has to keep his head down and say "yeah i didn't really think about it much at the time it's all good" and pretend it doesn't kill him to know just how personal and how deep their hatred is. but he can't get mad. he can't throw gloves. he can't get violent. he can't get revenge. because he's a good boy, he's shane fucking hollander and he never fights. he just shows up and plays his hockey and smiles for the cameras and nothing ever gets to him and nothing ever throws him off his game. a million jokes about stick handling. a million jokes about stooping at center ice for face off. a million jokes about spitting and stretching and simply just sitting there on the bench doing nothing at all. it's never forgotten. it's never switched off. and he never asked for any of this at all. all he did was fall in love. and now it's a job. now it's a duty. now it's a marketing shtick. now it's a mantle around his shoulders and a millstone around his neck and it exhausts him. it's always been exhausting to just be himself but now it's even worse. and he never wanted to make a difference anyway, he just wanted to play hockey. homoerotic Speedo commercials playing on big screens at malls. starring Shane Hollander. and every night he goes home to his husband and he hates himself for feeling like maybe it wasn't worth it. if he could've kept this thing for himself, maybe he would've. but he knows it would've killed him, would've made him miserable for the rest of his life, to hide and to lie. and he knows this was always one game he was never going to win. NHL's pride night exclusive rink-side interview. starring Shane Hollander. what's it like being out? what's it like being an openly gay player? it's awesome. it's great. he doesn't really think about it too much. he's just here to play hockey.
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
izzy806
2087
germansingergirl
