The ace up everyone's sleeve @devon711heaven - Tumblr Blog

painting this on the ceiling above my bed so it's the first thing i see upon waking in the morning and the last thing i see before falling asleep at night

amberspacedf

wannab-urs

he definitely fucks but there’s no way he fucks normal

archliches

man c'mon

broken-horn-of-equius

enlightened-moth

nealashitposts

I recently found out why my mom would never sleep around me when I was a kid. Like she’d never let herself take naps or sleep if I was awake, ever. Or if she did, she would lock her bedroom door. So when I was 6, I was asleep in my bed in the middle of the night when I hear a loud bang, like a pot being dropped and come out to the living room to see my mom standing by the window, with just a huge pile of spaghetti all over the sill, and a pot on the ground, and I ’m like “Are you gonna eat all that?” And ya’ll she get’s BIG MAD and yells at me and chases me to my room but then a little while later a bunch of cops show up and ask me a bunch of random ass questions about my art? Like this one cop lady keeps asking me to draw dragons for her?! And they seem mad as hell

I didn’t want to get arrested so I just never asked my mom for spaghettis after that. Lesson, learned. Don’t ask mom for spaghettis or she’ll call the damn police on you.

So I have this memory in my head, and it goes unquestioned until I say it outload for the first time a few months back and as soon as I say the words “When I was six, my mom called the cops on me for asking for spaghettis” My adult logic slams into place and is like “Hang on. Your mother definatly did not call the police on a 6 year old for asking for spaghetti.”

So obviously that’s not what really went down. I call up my mom to tell her how I remember it and on top of her figuring out why her kid has always been really cagey around spaghettis for the last 3 decades she tells me what really happened.

So on that night, a man tried to break into our house through the front window. It was just my mom, and her kids so she did what she felt she had too and shot him in the head. He’d been wearing a helmet, which landed on the floor under the window.

Now I just want ya’ll to put yourselves in my moms shoes for a minute here. This woman has just taken a human life. The trauma of that- the instant agony, the panic, the guilt, the fear- all of it hitting her at once, her only solace the knowledge that her children are safe. She protected her daughters. No matter the cost to her soul- her children are safe.

Then she looks up and sees her six year old staring at the inside of this mans head before saying “Are you gonna eat all that?”

nealashitposts

I suspect they were trying to keep me busy and distracted while they cleaned up the corpse in the living room?!?

nealashitposts

someone said tumblr nuked this post, but I could never be so lucky.

unintentionalpenis

twinkee

Delivered in discreet packaging my ass.

wizardshark

hey whats with that sign

valtsv

to the casual observer it may look like i'm trying to summon a demon but anyone who knows me will realize that i am simply calling my wife

underneath-the-skin

The wife and the demon are the same person

valtsv

an-anxious-gay-mess

The fact that these replies would mean wildly different thing had they been said on a different platform, such as Facebook, is absolutely hilarious

valtsv

sawnik

me before getting to the end of this post

what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me

You guys ever see a DNI that makes you break out into laughter and almost cry

what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me

If graphic design is your passion then !!! GET OUT !!! 🚫🚫👎‼️🥶🥶🚫

wordfather

i had a twisted dream this morning when my alarm tried to wake me up where jeff goldblum said 'Actually if you sleep a bit Longer you'll have More time to get ready It's called the Goldblum's Law and it works just go back to sleep' and i believed him and i overslept

wordfather

hey boss sorry im late. i got Goldblumed

wordfather

the government made early mornings illegal its true just go back to sleep

natalieironside

Due to my weird childhood and my weird brain, I have this very unhelpful compulsion to conceal Everything I do from Everyone. I Cannot be observed performing any action, no matter how mundane. My nervous system is convinced I'm gonna, like, Get In Trouble for eating food at dinnertime or sleeping in my bed at bedtime.

I've taken to asking myself, "Okay does this task actually require subterfuge or am I stealing a balloon on Free Balloon Day"

natalieironside

I see from the notes that we're all havin a normal one 👍

truedomdaddy

ramshacklefey

whenfatecollides

Xena Warrior Princess 3.18 Fins, Femmes And Gems

mayflame15

duckdotcom

imagine if doorways grew back like scabbed over with fresh drywall and you had to keep carving them back out with a jabsaw to keep the doorway clear etc

cryptotheism

Imagine if the membranes recoiled in pain every time you did this. Imagine if over time, some doorways became accustomed sensation. Imagine that very rarely, some even seemed to enjoy it.

moonbeamdagger

*sleepover host voice* imagine if you two went to sleep

elodieunderglass

Oh for gods sake kids it’s like piercing an ear - that’s why you put a doorframe in - you don’t hang a door in drywall, you gremlins. You frame the door. It’s like those gauges that people put in their ears - the hole stays. It won’t scab over with a doorframe in it. You’ve lived around doors you whole life, you little clowns. Lights out