diary of a try hard

I'm real good at trying things, but not so good at sticking with 'em // personal journal // -A

[diaryofatryhard]

I think it’s more than a rough patch...

I think it’s the end because I’m not even feeling anymore. It’s like I’m numb to both of our feelings and I just want to isolate myself from everyone. I don’t want to talk to him anymore. I tried to talk to my cousin about it but she didn’t really idk. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. 

This is my place to be honest so here’s my truth: I need a break. I need time to myself without worrying about my boyfriend or our relationship or our problems. I need to reboot and figure out what we both need.

[diaryofatryhard]

April 8, 2019 - Monday

........no more #teamvirgin jokes for this gal

[diaryofatryhard]

how can my parents comfort me when they're the reason I'm hurting

[kermakatti]

Here I go musically shitposting again

[homunculus-argument]

are you fucking kidding me this is a banger

[no-mi-torta]

POST A DOWNLOAD LINK YOU COWARD

[symbio-ratio]

(There’s a full version!)

[gardengnomes-blog]

ignore this I’m just being a drama queen where nobody can see and worry

honestly at this point in my life it’s just obvious that there is something wrong with me or something that I do that isn’t okay because I have no friends and I can’t ever keep the ones I get. I’ve literally never ever been this alone in my entire life and I’ve never felt more lonely. And I know that it’s supposed to be quality over quantity but I have two people in my life and sometimes I feel so replaceable and I think that if I just disappeared after awhile nobody would even remember me. At least in the past I had people who actually wanted to hang out sometimes and would talk to me first but now I literally only have my boyfriend and my best friend and nobody else. No one wants to text me, no one wants to hang out, hardly no one even says hi in the halls anymore. It’s too late for me to make friends in this area I just want to move so I might maybe find people who want to be around me but idk something is probably just wrong with me. I guess it’s just impossible for me to be liked lol.

[gardengnomes-blog]

please share, I’m not asking for money

This is a weird platform to ask this on but it’s not for me so I don’t care. And not that there is anything wrong about asking for money that’s just not what we need.

My baby cousin had a seizure the other night and was rushed to the hospital and I’m pretty sure he was put in a medically induced coma. They monitored him and he had some smaller ones but since they woke him about a day later he’s been having them every day at least twice a day. Before 7 am this morning he’s had three more bigger ones. The doctors are running tons of tests but they really don’t know what’s happening because everything is coming back negative. I’m not asking for money or anything but if you could please pray for him or whatever you believe in that you think will help. It doesn’t matter to me what religion you are, he’s 10 years old and he needs whatever he can get.

His name is Brennan. He’s the one of the smallest kids on his football team. He loves Minecraft and his pets. We make slime together & play video games (he beats me everytime).

[diaryofatryhard]

I don't think that people would automatically assume that we are together. I mean, we don't look like a match. Not on the outside anyway. Not as far as they can see. Strangers think they can tell. Think they know us; Friends. Two friends. A tall guy, crazy hot, And his friend (Not that memorable). “Oh she was short, maybe? no way they were together, anyway Kate let me tell you about this guy” No. I don't think they know that I’m yours and you are mine. They can't see it. We are so so so different that even I Sometimes Have a hard time seeing it. But I know. I know very few things in life (I mean, I’ve tried to explain how truly dumb I can be). But I know that we are a match. A couple. A couple in love. And I know. I know that no one thinks this will last. We’re kids. Seventeen and Eighteen. Too young to last and to know how most things end. I know how most things end. They end like acid. Like lemons without sugar, Bitter and angry and unforgiving. They end petty. And sad. A secret and fiery kind of sad that comes out as hoodies that will never be returned and screaming matches over who gets the dog or the friends or the TV. You cry with your friends and try to drown the sad in ice cream and booze and Nicholas Sparks movie marathons with your cat. But the sad doesn’t leave. No When you really, truly love someone, It will never leave. It just fades over time and sits in the back of your mind Until you are ninety seven And crying out in your nursing home for a love you lost eight decades ago because You let people who don't know convince you they did. They don’t know. Not about the way our hands fit together. About our first kiss. The month in between first “I love yous” And how we text all the time And the way you look at me. They don’t know how your lips feel on my neck. The way your arms always hold me in just the right way. How your hands on my thighs and on my ass makes me think twice about this no sex thing. They don’t know how patient you are with me about that rule. How lucky I am that you don’t ever make me do things I’m not ready to. They don’t see you and I, not the way I see you and I. And I know. I know how things end. How this thing has a 99.9% chance of ending. But like I said We’re kids. Seventeen and Eighteen. Indestructible and all knowing. Let's be too young and too naive for just a bit longer, Because I’m not ready to grow up And I don’t want to be ninety two and ninety three, crying out for each other in empty hospital rooms. We don’t look like a match. We’re too different to work. But I know. A couple in love.

badly written poetry that sounds a lot better said out loud and even better in my head

[under-grace]

[guccier]

am i hot no ((no))

am i talented ((no))

is that going to stop me from being rich and famous ((no))

[diaryofatryhard]

August 8, 2018 - Wednesday

I think also that I’d like to mention that generally I’ve been pretty happy for a few months but idk lately sooooo many things just set me back and two nights ago I came super close to cutting again.

Luckily I didn’t, but I’ve been catching myself thinking about cutting a lot more recently. I know that I’ll probably always have to deal with these thoughts but it’s a lot harder than I expected. And tbh I think the only thing stopping me from carving “CUNT” into my thigh was that I didn’t have anything sharp enough at my immediate disposal. If I stay up too late I get sad and anxious. Really I just have to keep myself constantly occupied and distracted because otherwise I’ll start to spiral. Hopefully it’ll get better soon. Idk why or how I can be fine for months or weeks at a time and then slip right back into mega depression for a while. Mental illness is wild lol

[diaryofatryhard]

August 8, 2018 - Wednesday

It’s been months but like I haven’t really felt like writing. A lot has happened. Still dating R. I’m very much in love. Actually this is going to be about him because I don’t have anyone to talk about this with.

So tonight we were hanging out and I casually mentioned that I was scared of getting engaged because I hate rings and he was like “when I do it I’ll use a ring pop” it was funny but key word : when.

like was it just a joke? was it a slip of the tongue? does he really think he’s gonna love me that long? Idk but I do love him. It wouldn’t be hard to imagine a future with him (but nothing like that for a while- I am only seventeen after all).

okay well that’s all for tonight :) hopefully I’ll feel more like writing in the future, it’ll be fun to look back when I’m older

[diaryofatryhard]

May 27, 2018 - Sunday

Ya girl wants to tell her boyfriend she loves him right now. I wanna fuckin see him and tell him and see his reaction. Yalllllllll. I love him. I know it. I’m so scared to tell him but I need to.

[diaryofatryhard]

April 20, 2018 - Friday

Hi so I know it’s been a minute. Things have been super good. Tonight I’m just kinda sad because my boyfriend is going through things and I want to help him, but there’s really nothing I can do. And I miss him a lot. But I know he can’t hang out right now because he’s busy and I don’t want to make him feel bad about it. But god I really really miss him. I wish we were just laying in my room right now. Yesterday was our two months. I’m kinda tired and I just wanted to journal this for some reason. Bye for now.

[diaryofatryhard]

March 31, 2018 - Saturday

hello he kissed me last night. It was sweet and soft and it killed me. Not to sound like too much of a dweeb but wow it was like right of a book. But also what if he didn't like it? I have very very very little experience. What if I suck at kissing. Okay stop. Alright. Idk he makes me very nervous- in like a good way. I like him so much.

[diaryofatryhard]

March 21, 2018 - Wednesday

Yo I have such a huge crush on my boyfriend. Holy Crap. He's really kinda incredible. And I have Z E R O complaints.

Wait okay, not a complaint, more like a worry. It's been a month since we officially started dating, and we haven't kissed yet. Idk. Like I'm very nervous, I have kissed one person ONE time, and it was just them using me so idk. I think I'm just worried that he doesn't want to kiss me?? Is that dumb? Or maybe that I will suck at kissing. Holy crap what if I suck as kissing. Okay I'm starting to overthink. Also I kinda miss him. I just saw him monday night, but I just like spending time with him. His smile will kill me one day. Oh and his laugh honestly melts my heart. Oh my god I love his voice. Okay Okay I'm gushing.

[diaryofatryhard]

March 10, 2018 - Saturday

Last night I woke up from a really good dream. It was weird and hard to explain but I was in like a secret society. I broke into a house that I thought was abandoned, but it was actually the house of a serial killer. I used a call like thing to let my boyfriend know that I was in trouble. I had to like kill the guy which really effected me for some reason idk and then my boyfriend got there and he helped me clean up and just sat with me. We ended up sleeping on the couch while holding hands because he had to go back to his mission the next day. Idk it sounds dumb but I just really like spending time with him. I was actually sad when I woke up and he wasn't with me.

[diaryofatryhard]

March 4, 2018 - Sunday

(3:29 AM) Hello. Today [around 2 am] my boyfriend told me he loves me. I don't really know what I'm feeling, just kind of overwhelmed. We've only really known eachother for a month. Also I don't know if he meant it in like a platonic or romantic way and I'm not going to ask. I just told him that I couldn't say it back yet.

He was such a sweetheart about it, I mean he is about everything. He might be the sweetest boy I've ever met. I like him so so much. I feel like I could easily love him one day, I just want to make sure that if I say it that I mean it. It's so easy to say 'I Love You' and not mean it.

He's a keeper, he's such a great guy. He tells me that he's serious about me and that he wants to date me for a long long time and we joke about getting married and prom and its just that I'm so worried that he just felt that way today and he'll realize that it's not true tomorrow. I'm so worried about him getting sick of me. Or that he figures out that I can be a big mess and I have this terrible past and he's like "this is too much". I'm so in like with him and I don't want to lose him after just getting him. I don't know, I need to sleep.