Thinking of self-sabotage is like a game of Russian roulette alone, no one wins you just drag it out as long as you can. I wouldn't say I'm guarded with my emotions, they're just hidden. A few hints and you've found them.
It's like I'm waiting on the other shoe to drop, to hear the door close after a goodbye to never hear back. I'm aware that it's unnecessary self-preparation. The validation of being able to say "I told you so." I don't think that moment's going to come, I can't help but wait... I'm anxiously waiting at a birthday party for the balloons to pop! If I anticipate the bang surely it can't scare me? Right?
I fill the silence with questions aimed to hurt me before you can. It's a sad truth, but it's my truth.
I'm so far in this, what if I'm lost? What if you're not waiting for me? Is this too much? Am I too much? If I hold back how much I like you, you won't feel guilty leaving me. God, I'm such a people pleaser, rather than admit how deeply I care for you I'd rather hide it in case I'm not what you want. If I don't express it you don't have to feel so bad leaving.
Why am I like this? I've got a fear of abandonment and an overwhelming care for you, I'll make it easy to leave me over making you feel bad for doing it.
I know I can talk to you, sometimes I like to suffer in silence. How do I explain this weird duality? I don't want you to leave me but I'll make it easy. There is no reason for both of us to hurt. I don't want to pain you paining me.
All said I don't think you're going to run, I can't help catastrophizing and plan in anticipation. One last thing I don't know if I'm being too much, I want to talk to you about my life but I don't wanna burden you with my problems.
I need told what to do, what's my best course of action? I can talk because we're great at communicating our problems. Actually, it's always me who brings them up. I feel needy. It's like I'm the only one who has issues, overthinks or has insecurities. I don't want you to constantly reassure me as much as I would love it.
I want you to open up. I think the only way that's going to happen is if I'm vulnerable first however that requires me to drop my problems on you.
I don't want my problems to be the ball around your ankle or for you to feel overwhelmed, that you need to help fix my issues. Listen and I'll do the same.