DonutSloth

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[donutsloth]

Reasons I Failed

Before I Knew I Was Autistic

I am a late diagnosed autistic and here are some of the reasons I didn't do well in particular classes.

The teacher always seemed annoyed or angry with me and I didn't know why.

The teacher thinking I was day dreaming because I wasn't looking at them while I was listening.

Having class in a school that was overly loud because of an open layout.

I was literally scared of the teacher because they came off as highly agresive.

Timed quizzes where you had to answer as quickly as possible.

Reading out loud & class presentations.

School bullies.

Missing instructions & too scared to ask questions.

Not being able to sleep properly at night because of nightmares, night terrors, & sleep paralysis.

A teacher that loudly played really jarring music like Squarepusher during class.

Having to read the religious text the Bhagavad Gita that continuously says atheists are bad.

Giving a presentation in a giant lecture hall.

A teacher that didn't know the difference between constructive criticism and just being an a-hole.

Giving a presentation and not realizing how monotone/unenthusiastic I sound.

Having crushing anxiety and not being able to make myself go to class.

I didn't have the worst school experience but it's difficult not to morn the possibility of how much more I could have achieved had I gotten the help I needed. The school system fails so many people in the United States. Society is truly missing out on the brilliance of neurodivergent minds.

[cadaverkeys]

My comic for SENSORY: Life on the Spectrum! Organised by Schnumn.

On harm reduction and understanding NSSI! Many autistic folk have normalised harmful behaviours as coping mechanisms in our daily lives and this comic is meant to help people recognise their self injuring behaviours and (hopefully) begin to see pathways to reducing their frequency.

[donutsloth]

The Astrology & MBTI Pipeline

For many, many years I knew that I was different from most people but I couldn't understand why. I would go down these rabbit holes trying to decipher and normalize my daily experience.

These are some of the things I did as an adult before the enlightenment of my late in life autism diagnosis.

Astrology research. I would borrow my friend's big astrology book in hopes of uncovering my personality through my sign. None of it ever really added up and I didn't feel as though my sign fit me.

Library research. While at University I would hangout in the library and read through psychology text books looking for answers. Psychology was not my major. I knew life was more difficult for me than it should be. I was unhappy but I couldn't pinpoint why exactly. Nothing I read really fit me besides knowing I had anxiety my whole life.

MBTI research. I found a book with a full quiz and descriptions about my personality type. This was sort of useful in defining my nature and thinking about how I truly operate behind the mask. More hilarious when I started looking up famous people and characters with the same personality type. For example Alan Turing and Hannibal Lecter.

Blind online searches. I would search random things I thought of that I knew probably weren't normal. I started searching on YouTube and slowly results started coming up about women with autism. I love learning about many subjects so I started watching even though I didn't think it would result in anything. Boy howdy I was wrong, it was the spark that set my mind ablaze.

TikTok. If you know, you know. The app clearly uses your search data from other apps and probably more to show you videos that will most resonate. It also learns from your habits and reactions within the app. People think the algorithm is magical and it sort of is. I saw many personal accounts of women with autism and related to them like no other human before. It gave me the resources to do more indepth research and documentation of my own experience.

It's amazing that this pipeline is getting shorter and shorter for many people through online resources. I hope one day that it will be easier for all the afab, bipoc, and LGBTQ+ autistic people out there to find their self/clinical diagnosis.

[donutsloth]

Finding the Best Stim Toys

As a late diagnosed autistic I have had to learn about stimming. I have found there are some stims I naturally do. Some of them are safe and some are destructive. A safe stim for me is playing games on the Switch. It's a relaxing routine and I get to press buttons. A destructive stim is picking and peeling off skin from the heels of my feet. It's kinda gross and sometimes I make my heels bleed.

My goal is to replace any destructive stims I do with something safe and fully satisfying. I have tried numerous fidget toys; spinner with pop it's, putty, squishy, multi button/switches, and tangles. All of them are limited in satisfaction and entertainment.

I finally found a truly excellent stim toy.

Shelly Loops Cereal Slime DIY Kit

Recommended For Ages 8+ Shelly Loops is Kawaii Slime Company's first ever DIY Slime Kit where you can make your own Slime at home. Everythin

It's a kit to make your own slime. You can make two containers of slime and customize the texture to your liking. I made mine less sticky and more moldable. I love the pretend fruit loops and glitter you can add to the slime. A charm of the company maskot is included as well. Also it really does smell like fruit loops. The smell even lasts for some time on your hands. The whole kit has adorable designs and is very functional.

If you love slime the Kawaii Slime Company has tons of different slimes they have crafted into special themed containers with a variety of smells, textures and toppings. They also have supplies to choose your own hand picked ingredients.

Slime may not be for you but if you are looking for new stim toys, the Kawaii Slime Company has other toys to check out. You may already know about their Bao Buns squishy toys.

I have no incentive to talk about this company, I just really love the kit I bought from them and wanted to share. Good luck in finding your favorite stim toys.

Happy Stimming 💖

[donutsloth]

Lol, I thought I was managing

I used to think I could manage my stress. Now when I look back it's an absolutely absurd thought. I'm a late diagnosed autistic and these are some of the things I have done throughout my life to check out from overstimulation and the stressors of life.

As a kid, going to school was terribly over stimulating. I also had trouble eating in front of other people. When I got home I was super hungry and I would get my food together and sit in front of the tv for hours until I had to do homework. Honestly I had no interest in going outside and no friends to speak of.

The number one comment my teachers gave on my report card was that I was a daydreamer. When my mom would tell me, I was always surprised. I don't remember daydreaming. I think I would just "check out" or dissociate. It also didn't help that I rarely spoke at school.

When I was in middle school I would hideout in my closet. I just loved small spaces to escape to.

When I was a teen I would hangout in the bathroom for hours. I would just sit on the floor, headphones on, and read. Luckily there were two bathrooms in the house.

When ever I had to be at a social gathering, there would be a point where I would wander off. It would always become too loud or overstimulating in some manner and I would find a room to hangout in or go outside. This is something that I will never stop doing.

After high school I was dead set on making more friends. I really wanted people to like me and so I managed social situations by drinking and partaking in the devil's lettuce. Talking to people was much easier when I was smoking and drinking. Also it instantly made you feel like you were part of the group. Another bonus was deadening my senses.

Staying up late. This is actually something I have done for most of my life. It is so relaxing to stay up late, watch tv or work on something. There are no demands and it is significantly quieter. Even going for a walk at night is better than during the day. The darkness is like a blanket of safety for someone who hates being perceived.

I wish I would have known back then to not carry the guilt for hiding. It would have been nice not to be so hard on myself for being different. I pushed myself to fit into society and it never worked. At least now I know I am autistic and I shouldn't feel guilty for being myself.

[donutsloth]

The Autistic Social Battery

Last night I had a couple friends over at my place for dinner. The group was a total of four including my partner and myself. I haven't had a get together since before the pandemic, almost two years. It was enjoyable but also a sensory overload. This is also the first time I have had a get together since being diagnosed autistic.

Being able to describe why I have such a difficult time with social situations is like finding the key to long lost treasure. To be able to understand why I start to feel like shit during social situations is the equivalent of Ford puting the babel fish in Arthur's ear so he can understand the aliens speak. (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference)

I have spent 30+ years not understanding my own body's reactions to the world around me. I'm so thankful to know why I feel hungover today without having ingested anything last night but too much sugar. I am also thankful to have an understanding partner and friends.

As an autistic, I do enjoy socializing from time to time. Do I need extensive down time? Absolutely. My social battery is not the typical kind. It gets depleted from more than talking too much.

The lighting becomes too bright.

The discussions and surrounding noise becomes too loud.

Audio processing disorder

Masking ( It took me awhile to figure out why my face was sore, from all the expressions I was making.)

Not being able to stim and fidget as much as I would like.

Making eye contact

Being perceived, eye contact at me.

Keeping up with topic after topic of discussion. As in processing what was said on top of everything else that was going on.

The chair and my clothing feeling uncomfortable after sitting for so long.

There is probably more I am not even realizing.

At the end of the evening my friend asked if my social battery is low. I said "yes sensory and social." That's the thing allistic's need to understand. The autistic social battery isn't one battery. It's multiple that are interconnected and are depleted by a variety of input. Depletion isn't necessarily shown in the traditional sense either and can last for an extended period of time. Also, feeling the effects of a low social/interaction battery can take time when someone like myself has issues with interoception.

Though writing about my own experience helps me process my feelings, I hope this helps anyone looking for the words in their own quest to describe their experience. Especially anyone who needs accommodations.

[donutsloth]

When Your Spoons Are Gone

Physical health can greatly effect the energy level you have to deal with your surrounding world. When you are autistic on top of whatever health issues you are dealing with, you may only have a small amount of tolerance and energy or you may have none. Here are some common things that happen with me as an autistic with health problems.

Brain fog: How does sandwich make? Translation of allistic jokes, 404 file not found.

Mask disappearing: Flat affect and very direct communication. Sugar coating not available.

Interoseption problems: Am I hungry? I don't know. Am I depressed? I don't know. Am I melting into the sofa? Possibly.

Extra autistic: Stimming all the live long day.

Meltdowns: Do not fuq with my routine, I will implode. I live in the dark now.

Sensory sensitivity: No unsolicited touching. Loud noise is painful. Mood lighting only.

Burnout: The nest is life. Outside is no. Secret society blanket forever.

Non-verbal: Stuttering, gibberish, silent. Texting only please.

These are also things that happen when I am stressed out. It is all intertwined I suppose. Of course on good days I'm like, "what problems? I don't have problems."

[donutsloth]

The Collection of Sensations & Information

I would say it is a common experience for autistics to want answers to burning questions. Except for us burning questions are more vast than for neurotypical people. We are little hoarders of information that we find interesting. It's no wonder since from birth we are taking in every little detail of the world that surrounds us, sans some or all of the filters that are in place for typical children.

Growing up you find that the difference between knowing something and not knowing can make a huge shift in your world. Much of this knowledge looks to be automatic or easily obtained by neurotypical people. With their useful sensory filters they are able to excel much easier through life. What they lack is an ability to take on and sort through the large load of information autistics do. Which I feel would dull pleasurable life experiences.

For example lets say you are in a forested area on a cool summer day. You stop to listen to the tap tap tap of the woodpecker and find it quickly because your hearing is heightened. You spot the splash of red on the bird's head quickly because of your keen eyes and excellent attention to detail. While looking up you appreciate the movement of the tree leaves as they flutter in the breeze creating a unique pattern. Through that breeze you smell the lilacs hidden down the path. That same smell reminds you of perfume you spritzed in your grandmother's bathroom as a child. All the while the sun is high in the sky. The light almost sparkles as it shines through the dancing leaves. You can feel the breeze but it is a temperature you can only equate with lukewarm water and comfort.

The whole experience sounds like poetry or maybe feels like a Ghibli movie. These are just my observations. Another autistic person might describe that forest a totally different way depending on what their experience is. What I wonder is how neurotypicals feel in the same experience? Every time I go out into the forest regardless of the season, it feels magical. You might even call it a sensory feast. I think that neurotypicals can see and enjoy these same things but you have to point out the details to them. It's like their filters don't give them the full symphony, only the quartet.

Though sensory sensitivity is a burden, it can also create a unique and enjoyable experience. Which is different for each autistic person. Also with a lack of information filtering, some autistic experiences could possibly mimic what neurotypicals seek with illicit substances. Which in turn the question, "are you on drugs?", now makes a bit of sense even though we were in a sober state at the time.

These unique experiences autistics have with hyper and hypo sensitivity are beyond the neurotypical brain. They may be able to relate in some common human experience but unless it is directly pointed out they are naive. Floating through life not fully experiencing and processing the world I think has created an insatiable hunger in neurotypicals. One that has caused a myriad of complications and destruction in the world such as global warming and poverty. How can one truly appreciate and value the world if you are only experiencing it in 2D? It's like unless something is considered culturally sacred, it is there for the taking, meaning land, trees, and water. Unless people are contributing to society or have some other conventional value, then they are just taking up space.

This is the world neurotypicals keep pushing and conventional society says is the standard. But when you experience the world beyond the conventional sense, neurotypicals truly look stunted and disabled.

[donutsloth]

🌹Rose Colored Glasses for Autism🌹

To all the late diagnosed Autistics unpacking their childhood. Here are some of the excuses my mom had for my autistic behavior.

Note: As a little girl growing up in the 80's, the chance of a diagnosis was slim to none.

1. "She is just a little Leo, you know that firey personality." - This is in reference to me getting easily upset or angry, having meltdowns.

2. "Well ya know she is an only child. She never learned how to share or get along with other kids." - Basically her excuse for my lack of communication skills and friends.

3. "She's just shy, we're from a small town and she's an only child." - Referring to why I hardly talked, having selective mutism.

4. "She probably has ADHD but I don't want to get her tested because I don't want my child medicated." -This is referring to my slowness with school work and endless energy as a child. However, I don't have ADHD, I was tested as an adult. Any trouble I had was due to sensory overload and executive functioning issues.

5. "Yeah she is a picky eater but that is probably for the best since her father has so many allergies. If she doesn't naturally want to eat it, she could be allergic." - Referring to me only eating safe foods.

Some of these are laughable really. It's amazing how much can be excused away by being an only child.

Did any memories get unearthed after reading my list? And for the self-diagnosed, I hope my list helps any imposter syndrome.

[donutsloth]

The Mandalorian & taking off the mask

Why is it so hard to take off the mask? By mask, I mean the one autistics wear. For the Mandalorian, "this is the way." His helmet is something he has worn since childhood, it is part of his religion, & it is a source of protection. I'm not saying Mando is an autistically coded character but his helmet serves a similar purpose as the autistic mask, protection. He has worn it for so long that when he forced himself to take it off in front of people, he had no clue how to act. Which is relatable, being perceived without that protective layer is daunting. The Mandalorian has cultivated this image of himself as a justly, armor clad, stoic bounty hunter. But the image of who he thought he was started to skew after finding a reason to take off his helmet.

I didn't realize I was going to relate so hard to a character's journey. Metaphorically of course, but still. I cultivated a mask for 30+ years. Then unforseen events happened in my life, forcing me to take off the mask. I slowly figured out that I am autistic through heavy research and a diagnosis. It is the strangest thing to wrap my mind around. I feel like I am starting over, learning and accepting who I really am. All those other faces I wore to try and fit into society were really suffocating.

Even though the mask is uncomfortable and dysregulates my mental and physical health, it still shows up in social situations. From years of being called weird, quiet, stupid, lazy, and being ridiculed for things I liked and did as a kid; that mask pops right back on like a reflex.

Perhaps that is how the Mandalorian feels about his armor and helmet, like they are a reflex, intertwined with his body. I'd like to see if he finds another way to live. A life more authentic to his core self and not just the man he has created. I feel like that is a journey I could learn from.

[donutsloth]

For the Mirror Visitor series fans and autistics, I have a theory. 

I have no idea if the author had this in mind but I feel that the characters Ophelia and Thorn are autistically coded characters. I didn’t exactly see it right away but I think by the end of the first book I was questioning the possibility. 

Ophelia: 

special interest is her job 

dresses for comfort

scarf is a special object she carries around all the time

doesn’t relate to the rest of her family except her uncle 

doesn’t really care about conventional society

she is authentic but can mask really well

has a strong sense of right and wrong

not much for small talk

clumsy (because of an accident but still)

highly sensitive, has to wear gloves (because of her powers but still)

chews on her gloves for comfort

has difficulty expressing her emotions

Thorn:

doesn’t outwardly show emotion, flat affect 

has an Eidetic memory (one of his powers but still)

socially blunt and cold

keeps a special pocket watch at all times and fidgets with it

loves numbers and order

his special interest is his job

no small talk

has a strong sense of right and wrong

doesn’t care about conventional society 

doesn’t relate to anyone really

has difficulties expressing his emotions

masks most of the time

For those unfamiliar with adult autistic traits, this may be a stretch for you. You may even think they are just two quirky characters. To those of us who are autistic or familiar with autistic adults, you can see where my theory is going right?  

[donutsloth]

Did anyone watch the series, Kamikaze? Scroll on if you haven’t.

 SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT. 

I enjoyed watching this rich Danish girl go into a crazy downward spiral after the death of her family. It was an interesting representation of what a person could go through when dealing with grief. She is the ideal of rich, young, and beautiful and can get into any situations that she desires. When she was able to achieve the fantasy of hooking up with a Korean Olympic athlete, I knew this story was going to have more surprises to come. The fearlessness this afab character had was in some ways empowering. As if the only way a female presenting person could achieve this kind of freedom in society is with no value for her own life, a death wish. 

I was excited to see the conclusion of this character. Then the story used a tired old trope, she gets pregnant. She still wants to end her life and desperately tries to crash her plane and die in the desert but gets rescued at the last minute. It’s a fine conclusion I guess, it’s hopeful. My question is why did she have to get pregnant? Why did that seem to be the trigger to give her hope enough to walk across the desert to live? It would have been better had she not gotten pregnant and that she found the will to live some other way. Or it could have been a tragic ending with her achieving the original goal of ending her life. It just felt cringey that she ended up pregnant, not knowing who the father is, and then fully involved with the kind Polish guy. It was just too much of a Hallmark movie ending for me. The rich pregnant traumatized girl ends up with the sweet working class guy that was building a pool in her family home. 

Even though you don’t really learn much indepth information about the main character, I thought she deserved a more out of the box ending. A writer should be able to figure out other reasons for a woman to live on through grief besides getting pregnant.