Even at 1 year, 7 months sober I still feel my brain and thoughts positively changing with each passing month. (So when they say it keeps getting better it really does!!) I didn't have an idea of what sobriety would be like but I certainly wasn’t expecting continued change this far into it but it is a pleasant surprise. But does that happen to all recovering alcoholics? Unfortunately not. At least that’s what I gather through my readings, research, and observations.
When people ask me how I did it- how I quit drinking then 6 months later quit smoking- I can’t really give them a simple answer. Although in my head it’s a very simple answer. Something clicked. I was trudging through life, on a constant repeat of fall down/get back up (half way), doing whatever I wanted (aka hurting people and being selfish), hating myself, playing the victim, and smashing through life as the months turned into years and I realized my fear of being worthless was starting to become reality.
I was constantly saying yes to myself. I thought “you only live once so do whatever you want all the time”. Want to eat that entire cake? YES. Want to cheat and lie? YES. Want to smoke this entire pack of cigarettes in one night? YES. Want to drink wine out of a gatorade bottle alone behind a gas station before you walk into a house party because you hate who you are sober? YES. Then came the night I almost ended it all. Then came the morning after I almost ended it all. And I thought to myself NO. Fucking no. If I keep saying yes to everything I wanted to do I’d just continue being a lazy fuck up. Having no boundaries in my twenties was fine but at some point you really have to start telling yourself no. It builds character and gives your life direction. Plus when you take your head out of your ass you really start to see what’s really going on.
Of course you have to love yourself and treat yourself and be kind to yourself. But not all the time or you’ll turn into a spoiled, ego-centric asshole. Or maybe not. Maybe you'll just turn into someone who looks like their life is functioning but really, it’s in shambles either mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise. For me, it was a little of both. Actually no, it was mostly the selfish clueless jerk and a little bit of the functioning grown up. And maybe it’s just me (but I don’t think it is because I see it in others occasionally) but I realized that totally giving into drugs and alcohol sort of stunted my emotional development and maturity. I was a friggin’ basket case when I was constantly saying yes to myself. Did I have a personality disorder? Probably. Was I extreme in my emotions and reactions? Oh yes. Was behaving those ways productive for a happy and balanced life? Gawd no.
So what do you do when you’re stuck? Whether you know deep down inside or not that you have potential and you're worth saving- you are. One of the hardest things I ever had to do wasn’t the act of no longer consuming alcohol. It was understanding and utilizing self-awareness. You gotta cut the bullshit. You gotta hit that 180 point. No time for crying (even though it’ll happen, and that’s ok as long as it’s alone and as long as it’s quick!), no time for excuses. You gotta seriously look at yourself, at who you are, at what you do, how you think, or else you’re screwed. It takes a lot of time and practice but with dedication (to a better life and way of thinking) and perseverance you can do it.
Besides the internal “sick and tired of being sick and tired” total mind overhaul the other hugely important aspect to recovery is support. You really need a good support system. Even if it’s just a few friends who are rooting for you. For me, I was lucky because I had a boss that could see I was in pain and she tried to help. The morning after I drank for the last time I woke up at 2:36pm- 2.5 hours late for work. And not just late for work, I had to open the store and there was a cruise ship in that day so I probably had the company lose out on hundreds of dollars. My boss knew that wasn’t like me and so when we had a meeting a few days after she brought with her AA pamphlets, brochures on NS Mental Health Association, and detox programs. I called one of the numbers on one of the brochures and scheduled my first meeting with an addictions counsellor.
I then met with my addictions counsellor once a week for a few months which helped a lot. She gave me guidance, resources, and was full of information and support. I also started going to AA, started a cognitive behavioural therapy group (through mental health services), I was meeting other alcoholics through AA, I got a sponsor, my boyfriend was incredibly supportive, my mother, my best friends, my other friends, my family, etc. I surrounded myself with supportive, good people, and I avoided those that didn’t support me.
I also avoided going to bars and avoided hanging out with friends that only ever wanted to drink. I wasn’t ready to be around drinking for a long time into my recovery. It was (and still is) really hard to distance myself from the people I really admired, respected, and enjoyed. But I had to- at least until I was ready. And that’s ok, a lot of people don’t even notice you’re not at the bar every weekend after a while. Which isn’t a bad thing- we all have our own lives and shit. No hard feelings, we’re all just doin’ what we feel is right or what we need to do in this moment.
Distracting yourself with new projects or goals helps immensely too. Luckily for me, I went back to school at the same time I stopped smoking. Going back to school changed my life so drastically that it was easy to forget the obsession of drinking and smoking. I had so much to do and so many new things to look forward to. I surrounded myself with support, started reading everything I could on alcoholism, addiction, mental health awareness, and success stories. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I didn’t want to be in denial anymore. I had a problem and I needed to fix it.
You also have to understand that you’re not untouchable. You will have weak days, just like you will have strong days. That’s human. Understand that relapse is always just around the corner and it can sneak up on you when your’e not looking. Sure I’m sober and in recovery now but I’m not a saint and I always have to be on the lookout for negative thinking that could start to pull me back into the cold soft arms of addiction.
There’s a difference between blindly charging into avoidance vs. wholeheartedly plunging into recovery. That difference is self awareness and dedication to a better life from the inside out. White knuckling it (AKA dry drunk) does not promote longevity and inner peace. Sobriety and recovery are two very different things and it’s my hope that the ones that need it will fully embrace recovery and actually start to heal.
For anyone interested here are the books I read in the first year of recovery that helped me a lot:
Alcoholics Anonymous (“Big Book,” 4th ed.) (2001).
Bourne, Edmund J. (2005). The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, Fourth Edition
Dowsett Johnson, Ann. (2013). Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol
Fieldy. (2009). Got the Life: My Journey of Addiction, Faith, Recovery, and Korn.
Levine, Noah. (2004). Dharma Punx.
Mathews Larson, Joan. (2001). Depression-Free, Naturally: 7 Weeks to Eliminating Anxiety, Despair, Fatigue, and Anger from Your Life.
Tolle, Eckhart. (2004). The Power of Now: Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment.
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