In no particular order and with no goal to make a specific point, as usual. I just talk to talk and if anything resonates, by all means, let me hear your thoughts.
It gasts nobody's flabbers when I state that I'm queer, I'm sure. I used to not care for that word, as it has a history of being used as a slur, but somewhere in my mid thirties I was like "Might as well reclaim it.". I don't care if someone calls me a faggot either, if anything it gives me gender euphoria lol.
It was a long, exhausting ride from "Bisexual girl who wishes she was a bisexual boy instead but what can you do" to lesbian, to trans masc and then eventually I landed in my identity as binary trans man and eventually got the treatment needed to make the outside match the inside. I am at peace, happy and secure in this identity. My body feels like home now, and I can rest.
Sexual orientation wise, aegosexual is the term I've found most fitting. As it's summarised on Reddit: Aegosexual (Formerly known as autochorisexual.) is a micro-label under the asexual umbrella. It describes individuals who experience a disconnect between themselves and the target of sexual arousal. They may enjoy sexual fantasies, watch porn, or feel arousal, but they generally have little to no desire to engage in physical sexual acts themselves.
That's hitting the nail on the head. I am very sex positive, might even be considered a pervert by some, but the idea of being physical myself makes me want to curl up and hiss.
I can't tell if that's truly my orientation or lingering trauma from past experiences with sex though, and it doesn't really matter much because my partner is extremely understanding about it and that's all I care about.
Pride month and other LGBTQ+ events fill me with melancholia, more than anything. It's immensely important, of course. The fight for equal rights and acceptance mustn't stop.
My heart goes out to those who can't live their lives as freely and somewhat peacefully as I can. There's no shortage of absolute bell ends on the cishet side of things trying to argue against our (And by "our" I am talking about trans people, because that's what applies to me and my life.) existence, but I am privileged enough to live in a country where I can be myself as long as I'm quiet about it.
I shouldn't have to be, of course. It's just safer this way.
Trans men are just kind of…Invisible. And it's often assumed that because we benefit from freshly acquired male privilege, our problems end here. That's not quite how it works, but that is a rant I suddenly find myself not having the energy to get into.
Something I have rattling around in my head right now, though, is that in the most literal sense I am rather queerphobic. Queer and queerphobic, that is funny right there.
And I am using "phobia" in the way it's defined in a dictionary, meaning "having an irrational fear of", not "feeling intense hatred towards", I want to make that part very clear.
Because the worst treatment I have been subjected to over the years has almost exclusively been from other queer people. Gay men either recoiling with disgust at the mere concept of men with vulvas, or viewing me as fetish material because I have an extra hole for dicks to go into, queer AFAB people calling me a traitor because I "chose" to join the enemy (And here I thought we had established a long time ago that gender identity and sexual/romantic orientation aren't things you choose.), other lesbians acting no better than cishet men towards me during that era because it's not sexual harassment when girls send other girls inappropriate DMs, that's silly! /sarc, other trans men becoming misogynistic dudebros to compensate for something, I guess…?
The community ain't safe either, is what I'm getting at. Every year it becomes abundantly clear that pride is for some, while others get silenced and erased. People under the rainbow umbrella turn against each other, arguing about who is or isn't queer enough, who's facing the worst oppression, who gets to wear what label etc etc and it's all just…Exhausting.
So yes, happy pride, I guess. I'm all for it, after all.
Grandpa's just tired, but that's nothing new.