My Stones to Carry: A Mental Health Exercise
Lately, I've been doing a lot of personal work in my life. I have come across an exercise that I really wanted to share for anyone who deals with similar issues that I do, because I've found it starting to really help me in my day-to-day life.
I'm somewhat of a chronic worrywort. Recently, I've had so much burnout, I'm exhausted early in the day when nothing has really happened, and any next steps feel like climbing mountains instead of the mole hills they really are. I was advised to take a step back and evaluate why this is happening, and it starts with a simple question: "Is this my stone to carry?"
Everyone carries stones. There's big stones, little stones, unusually shaped stones. Some stones we have to carry because they're important, others people have handed to us against our will, and others still are invisible- we don't even realize we picked them up to begin with.
The thing with these stones is that not all of them matter. And if you're holding on to too many, you don't have room to pick up new ones you need to. Some of these unecessary stones are large and hard to move on your own, in which case I am a huge proponent of therapy. Some of these stones are small- but remember that the longer we hold on to something, the heavier it begins to feel. If you're anything like me, you might have a tendency to carry stones that don't even have anything to do with you. Stones that aren't even yours. They take up your mental space and energy that could be applied elsewhere. So, this simple exercise is meant to help you start laying down the stones you don't need to be carrying and lighten your load by prompting a simple question whenever something arises- it could be a situation, a mistake you think you made or did make, a memory, even a comment made by someone else.
This prompt helps you consider the situation and first determine if it's something even within your control. If it's something outside of your control, there's really no point in carrying it to begin with. For example, I often worry about the perception others have of me. For me, this exercise may start off with a simple thought:
"Man, I sounded really weird just then. Why did I say it like that? I sound so dumb sometimes. (Person) probably thinks I'm stupid. I need to be better than this."
Sound familiar at all? It's easy sometimes for thoughts to spiral into self-degrading comments and judgement. The first thing to do when you have a thought attacking your own character is to pause and notice when you're tearing yourself down. Once you've identified what's happening, you can ask yourself, "Is this my stone to carry?"
In other words, do I really want to spend any time on this? I do not control other people's thoughts or feelings about me. And it's okay to have quirks. So sometimes I sound silly. I'm not hurting anyone by doing this, and I am not a defective person. Sometimes my mouth jumps ahead of my brain and I stumble over goodbyes or answers to people's questions, even if my brain came up with a cohesive response. Is that really worth calling myself stupid over? I should hope not. This isn't something I need to worry about. It is not my stone to carry, so I set it down and move on.
Over the years, I've learned how to be harsh with myself for minor things. I've learned to monitor every word and action, every response. I collect mistakes from my past like a squirrel hoards nuts for winter. Many of us carry stones from our histories. Maybe we were different people back then, or something bad happened to us, and we just can't let go of it. We harbor guilt and resentment towards ourselves from back then.
I had major depression for five years between middle school and into high school. My opinion of myself was quite low, and I won't go into details over where it almost left me. I was an angry, bitter person, with a poor memory that made poor calls on occasion. I've forgotten entire vacations with my family between those years. One thing I do remember is those times I got snippy with my teachers, or one time in class where I thought my teacher had left and made a snarky remark about an assignment to everyone before realizing they were still in the room.
Every now and then that specific event replays in my head, especially in the evening.
"Why did I say that? What was I thinking? God, that was so embarassing. People probably laughed at me behind my back. I was such an idiot."
Having started this exercise, the next time it happened, I paused and I stared at that stone in my hands. Is this my stone to carry? It happened so long ago. I wasn't in a good place then and made a poor decision. I've learned from it and I've become a better person. I have nothing left to gain from this memory, and nothing to be ashamed of if I truly understand who I was back then and how hard I was struggling just to get out of bed each morning. It may not seem great now, but back then I was doing the best I can. This is no longer my stone to carry. So I set the stone back down.
This process can also apply to the future. I worry a lot over what tomorrow will bring, or next week, or next year. Worrying about work, about how I will do at a certain task, worrying about other things that need to get done. When those worrisome thoughts arise, it can look something like this:
"I don't know what to expect this week, what if I do that wrong? What if I screw things up?"
A lot of times, I'm worried about not performing as well as people may like me to, of being judged and not being able to plan every situation in advance. But that's just not how life works. Is this my stone to carry? I don't control everything that will happen in my future. The only things I control are my actions and my thoughts. So, I will show up as prepared as I can, and try to let life take care of the rest. Lately, I've been very stressed about finding a full-time, longer term job. I'm used to internships and school. My brain has been a trainwreck:
"What if I can't find something? What if I'm stuck in a place that feels miserable, or the people are toxic? What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not happy? What if what I'm looking for just doesn't exist? What if no one likes me enough to hire me? What if my friends or family don't like what I decide to apply for, will I be disappointing people? Disappointing myself?"
I have felt increasingly isolated and hopeless, and the search has barely even begun! And I realized I've been scraping up stones left and right with worries over things that haven't even happened yet. Are these my stones to carry? I don't control hiring managers. I don't control what's available. I don't control my family's opinions. All I control is fixing up my resume, browsing what's available, getting clear on what I'm interested in and hitting that apply button. I control the steps I take in the process, but not the outcome. These worries won't help me succeed, they only hold me back from trying. So no, these aren't my stones to carry. And so I work on setting them back down.
What I hope this exercise does is give you a simple prompt that's easy to remember so the next time a thought or memory or situation starts to set you off and hurt you, you can take a moment to pause and look at it from a distance. See what you are responsible for and what you're not. See what matters to you and what doesn't, or what shouldn't (which can be subjective). Have you learned what you can from it? Do you have any direct influence over it? Are you being too harsh with yourself?
When you're carrying too much, eventually you crash. Even the smallest of stones become impossible to carry. So for your mental health, start learning to establish boundaries in your thoughts. Hold on to the things that matter, let go of the things that don't. Sometimes it's super hard to do that- sometimes we think things matter that really don't. It's a learning process and a skill we develop throughout our lives, but I think it's one worth having, especially for people who are sensitive to the feedback of those around them or base their success and worth on external factors. Take some of your power back and start refusing to accept stones that aren't yours.
I hope this post can be of some help to somebody, and please feel free to share this with someone that may need to hear it! I hope all of the stones you're carrying can grow lighter and that you can drop the ones not meant for you!
