cw angst, mcd musing but no actual mcd, brief description of serious injury, HAPPY ENDING I PROMISE !!
The part that hurts the worst about Kili and Fili centric angst is I truly do not think Kili ever once considered the possibility of a world without his brother in it.
Fili probably hadn't ever entertained the idea either, but it was different for him. Kili had never lived a day without Fili. To see Fili was to see the sun rise, or water flowing in a creek, or the trees lose their leaves and grow them again. It was just how the world worked. Fili was there.
Kili had a lot of exciting plans for his life- adventures, mischief, romance, the lot. His head had been filled with fairytales from a very early age. But each time he imagined himself the hero of this story, his brother was always there alongside him being a hero, too.
Kili never felt any type of way about Fili being Thorin's heir. Kili thought the world of his brother, no one would be a better fit after his uncle save for their mother. Kili never felt less than and he was always aware that was in no small way thanks to Fili's constant defense of his character. Whenever they got into trouble, older dwarves were quick to cite Kili as the negative influence. Fili was even quicker to take accountability and responsibility, sometimes moreso than he should have.
"You should know better," They would tell Fili. As if Kili couldn't know better.
Kili never wanted to rule. Fili was a perfect fit. Once again, the idea of Fili not being there to rule was absurd.
Kili's laces on his boots don't match because his brother had ruined one set of them for a prank. Kili drinks his tea without sugar because Fili made him try it. Kili isn't afraid to try new combat moves during a spar because he knows his brother can take it, can correct his form and encourage him to do better.
When Kili wakes up from his injuries after the battle for the mountain, he expects to see Fili. He's the first one Kili thinks of, the first name that leaves his lips when he opens his eyes. Instead he sees Oin and Bilbo on one side, Bofur and Dwalin on the other. They all look grim.
Had he done something wrong? That was typical, but Kili was sure Fili would fix it, whatever it was.
"You're the first to wake," Oin says. He says it with a cool professional tone, but his hands shake with a strong tremor as he checks over the bandages wrapped around Kili's middle.
"Whaddyou mean?" Kili's tongue feels thick and his mouth is dry. "Firs't'wake?"
Bofur is the first to take Kili's hand, he does so limply like he was holding a bird he was afraid to crush. "Lad, you aren't going to like hearing this."
"Your brother and your uncle have not awoken from their injuries," Dwalin said sharply, like he couldn't bear any more delay in telling Kili the truth. "Oin fears they may not ever wake."
The warrior's eyes were brimming with tears. Dwalin never cried. Never, not once had Kili ever seen Dwalin cry, yet here he was mourning two dwarves who still breathed. For now, his mind added unhelpfully. For now they still breathed.
"H-how bad is he?" Without even saying the name, they all knew he was asking about Fili.
"He's in a rough way," Said Bofur. His hand rubbed circles on Kili's knuckles, a gesture he would have found calming had his world not been falling apart.
"What does that mean? Tell me!" Kili snatched his hand away, angry tears stinging his eyes.
It was Bilbo who spoke, after clearing his throat twice. "Fili had a grievous injury to his head. Not to mention to his spine. He faces dangers of fever as he heals. Fili isn't... he isn't likely to walk again if he wakes, and if he wakes, he may not be the same."
In an instant, Kili found his strength. He swung himself upright though the movement made him instantly nauseous and the room began to spin.
"No you don't lad, settle down," Dwalin warned, his big hands trying to push Kili's shoulders back down to the cot.
"No, I have to see him! I have to see Fili!" For a moment, Kili was prepared to do his worst. Anything to see his brother. He felt feral, wild and crazed like he was about to begin biting at those around his bedside to make his escape.
If he could just get his eyes on Fili, he would find him seated in his bed and sharpening a knife. He would smile at Kili and tease him for being so emotional. He would be okay. He had to.
In the next moment, Kili realized he was crying. Crying like a pebble, he hated how pathetic he sounded. "Please let me see my nadad, please, please, he has to be okay."
"Kili, you need to calm yourself. Your wee heart can't take the stress," Oin was stern, but his words did not break through.
"Fili isn't going anywhere, he's only a room over," Bilbo attempted. His eyes were glossy and full of pity.
His words were met with a wail Kili hardly recognized as coming from himself. In his shame and his horror and his grief, Kili turned his face to his pillow. It smelled of mildew and sweat. Kili screamed and sobbed until his throat was sore and the room was dark, and all by his side had left him.
When Kili was healed enough himself to see his brother, he hadn't anymore tears to cry at first. His face was puffy and stung, weeks of agonizing over his brother and the lack of changes to Fili's health the worst torture Kili had ever experienced.
Fili looked peaceful in his cot, despite everything. His injury to his head had bloomed into a swollen bruise that dyed part of his face an ugly, mottled rainbow. One eye was so swollen that Kili couldn't see his lashes. There was structures built about his hips to keep them in the correct position for healing.
Though his hands were curled limp, Kili put their mother's runestone into Fili's hand. A silent plea to return to their family, a childish hope for some magic to come from the stone.
His hair looked a mess, tangled and dry like straw. Kili knew what he had to do. He had to take care of his brother. Even if it was something as little as this.
With the help of volunteers, Kili washed his brother's hair twice a week. Afterwards, he would oil his hair and trim his moustache, braiding the two ends just how Fili liked it. He would then give Fili his usual hair braids. Sometimes, Kili's strength would fail him and he would nap at his brother's side between braids to recover his own strength.
Kili would speak idly to Fili for Oin had told him to do so. He gossipped about the Company, he told him how pretty Ori looked lately because he knew how Fili pined for the scribe. He complained about Bilbo fretting over him like a mother hen. Kili told him fairytales that they grew up with. He read their mother's letters aloud.
"And she says she'll arrive in no less than a month from now. What do you say, Fee? You think you'll wake up in time for amad? I..." Kili sniffled, his sight blurring. "I don't mean to pressure you, but-but if you think about it, it's really stupid and lame of you to not wake up. O-only elves sleep for this long. And-and- if you don't wake up soon, I'll put your hand in a bowl of warm water to see if it r-really makes you pee yourself."
"Now that's just mean," Came a hoarse whisper, and suddenly it seemed the world started turning again. Suddenly it seemed like the sun had come back to the sky.
And though he was one again crying like a baby, Kili meant it with all his heart.
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