Pov: you grew up reading weird fantasy in the early 2000s
Cosimo Galluzzi

izzy's playlists!

⁂
Sade Olutola
almost home

@theartofmadeline
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
h
trying on a metaphor
Peter Solarz
No title available

shark vs the universe

PR's Tumblrdome
wallacepolsom
todays bird
No title available
Cosmic Funnies

ellievsbear

roma★

No title available

seen from T1

seen from China

seen from Italy
seen from United States

seen from Poland
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United Kingdom

seen from Poland

seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Greece
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Poland

seen from Italy
seen from Brazil
seen from Germany
@ducklessbjur
Pov: you grew up reading weird fantasy in the early 2000s
There's something really special about lil nas x being like "subtext? No. Old town road is literally about riding horses. If I was going to write a song about riding dick, like. Trust me. You'd know" and then he did
Y’all being pregnant while moving into a new house is BUCKWILD
My husband is an intelligent man, but he has gotten in his head that if I lift one box I will PERISH
Here is the problem in a nutshell
Would I love to let my husband do everything? Of course?
But this absolute GIANT of a man after TEN YEARS together still has no spatial awareness and NO AWARENESS that his a A FOOT AND A HALF taller than me. If he is left to put thing away, he will do so diligently but he PUTS EVERYTHING ON THE TOP SHELF and my TINY TREX ARMS CAN NOT MAKE THAT TRIP
I threw out my back and he’s now convinced that it’s his fault for letting me carry paper plates in the house my self and that he’s going to be a terrible father
This man has a LAW DEGREE and is a PRACTICING ATTORNEY
“You have two skeletons inside you right now that is double the amount I have. You are my sweet special Eldritch Horror” - My Husband
Thanks I think?
“It’s insane that we just made a person! I’ve never even met a baby before what do I say?!”
Not worried about diapers here folks, just first impressions
“I’m going be be a dad which is just buckwild. I have your pregnancy checklist but here is my fatherhood check list
1. I need a riding lawn mower
2. I need a white tank top
3. I need a beer, particularly an amber colored one
4. I need a book of puns
5. I need a baby back pack to carry said baby
6. I want my own diaper bag, and I want it to be STYLISH
Kait are you writing this down this is important?”
Me: a lot of people on the internet are calling you a himbo, would you like to respond?
Husband: I am often very dumb, and I do drink the respect women juice like fine wine, however I am not very strong, and I just don’t know if I can accept this title if I do not meet all the qualifications
Me: I don’t know, you lifted all those boxes on your own
Husband: this was simply DAD ENERGY
🤦♀️🤦♀️
I can not with this fool
literally marry him
I have great news my friend
marry him again
I’ve read him some of these replies and he got very upset and yelled (which if you know my husband is barely over a whisper) “I CANT MARRY YOU ANY HARDER I KNOW IVE GOOGLED IT MANY TIMES”
Y’all I’m obsessed with this idiot
me explaining to the other trainers that apricorns are unknown outside of Johto because of deliberate suppression by the Silph and Devon corporations to present artificial pokeballs as the only means of capturing pokemon and establish regional monopolies after they eliminate renewable sources
(via @itsbenedict)
eternalfarnham replied to your post
you’re in the pocket of Big Ball, I see
there’s no pocket for me to BE in, there’s no LOBBYING involved, there’s no SUPPRESSION campaign because you don’t need one! traditional methods suppress themselves when you make modern pokéballs available. you might as well start accusing AT&T of deliberately suppressing the noble traditional art form of the goddamn semaphore.
not to mention OP demonstrates a total lack of understanding of the market realities of the pokéball industry- Silph and Devon are not monopolies, if they weren’t in constant competition their magic monster domination spheres wouldn’t cost two bucks a pop. the ball spec is a public standard, and Bill Masaki’s storage system based on that standard is an open-source project. they’re only the two largest players because they’re able to leverage economies of scale. you still get smaller operations like the Laverre City Poké Ball Factory, with better regional supply chains and local brand recognition, making room for themselves in the market.
sm FUCKING h at y’all granola-crunching conspiracy theorists. you probably also believe Super Potions cause autism.
Ok, but it is a shame that artisanal balls are basically off the market now. Like, you have to ride the monorail and hike through a half dozen routes just to find someone willing to sell you a Fast Ball. Believe me, when your boss at the power plant needs five Electrodes by Tuesday you are not going to want to make the trip to Alola; you’re going to head on down to the Mart and get some Ultra Balls, which will do the trick but aren’t well tailored to the job.
I’m with you that modern catching techniques are better, not to mention more humane, but there genuinely is a loss from more niche balls becoming harder to find. Maybe someday the long slowpoketail of consumer demand will be met, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for that Shellder.
look y’all are missing the point. mass production of silph balls crowding out traditional apricorn craftsmanship is, if anything, more a side effect of the real problem: that capture artifacts are too easy to get your hands on these days. $2 basic balls are a problem. before modern ball tech you had to go to an artisan, yes, but part of their job was to care about who had the power to recruit pokémon from the wild, as a backstop against another Knight of Veilstone coming along. there was a time when you’d never lay a hand on a ball yourself until it was clear you respected pokémon, whether tame or in the wild. but now, a “pokémon journey” is open to practically every teenager, even if they’ve got not interest in treating their team with trust and love.
the worldwide rise in the last century of organized crime and apocalyptic cults who use pokémon as their muscle is a direct result of capture artifacts becoming a mass produced market commodity rather than a mechanism for preserving the sacred trust between humans and the wilderness. it’s a miracle that the powder keg hasn’t already gone off by now.
Oh that is rank historical revisionism - what, do you think artisans’ definitions of “respect” were constructed in a vacuum? We already had rhetoric as far back as the warring states period in Ransei about how only the soldierly classes, overwhelmingly descendants of nobility and taught from birth, had the intangible qualities necessary to “bond” with Pokémon. And when we start seeing apricorn balls develop in Johto, which borders Kanto - Kanto, where we know there’s been extensive cultural cross-contamination with Auroran and Dragnoran expeditions - surprise, suddenly only a small population has the intangible qualities necessary to use them, too.
That notion was, and remains, a tool to limit general access to Pokémon in the interest of maintaining class disparities. I mean, have we already forgotten the Aether Foundation’s pseudo-conservationist nonsense? Their attempt to manipulate natural resources and establish a power base in Alola, while they were modernizing and taking their place on the world stage, was founded on this exact rhetoric of “rescuing” Pokémon from local disenfranchised populations, as if taking Pokémon away from places like Po Town would improve things instead of increasing competition between trainers and decreasing safety.
Do you want more disillusioned kids joining gangs? Because that’s how you get Teams!
Artisanal balls and anyone who supports them are tools of the aristocracy to suppress the common folk. In the days when a ball could only be made by hand by an expert, only the wealthiest could afford pokemon, and as a result anyone not born into the “elites” was forced to be subservient to their “betters” for protection.
The release of the $2 pokeball meant that the balance of power shifted to the common citizens. If any child can wield the power of a god, the military and the government and the wealthiest businessmen have no power over them.
More than that, instead of power being determined by the wealth to acquire pokemon, power comes exclusively from the dedication, effort, and empathy required to train them to high levels and to maintain their loyalty. If a person simply buys their pokemon, then those pokemon will either stay at low levels forever, or refuse to obey the human because there is no respect between them; the most powerful people in the world are those who caught a critter at level 2-5 and then devoted their life to raising it into a world power.
And as a beautiful side benefit of this, standard of living has increased across the board. Since every household has at least one minor pokemon in the family and there are increasing numbers of professional, working pokemon joining cities and other civilized areas and working to improve them, every aspect of economy and industry has been enhanced by their supernatural capabilities. Electricity is generated cleanly and in abundance for everybody. Pollution is cleaned up almost completely and instantly. The production of farms, mines, and workshops is multiplied, even as safety standards improve. Yes, every few years another potential apocalypse comes about and needs to be prevented by a couple of brave teenagers, but outside of those incidents the world is damn close to utopia.
…that was all fascinating to read and I would like to see more like it, please
for instance; what the hell is in lemonade that makes it a more powerful healing alternative to regular potions
Opium
See, unlike in the real world, the Pokémon world has yet to ban cocaine in drinks.
this website is INCREDIBLE
@apocrypals this is real
EXTREME TEEN BIBLE… REAL
Y'all are NOT READY for their shirt merch
I’d buy the “yeet pray love” shirt if it came in black tbh
“Pick up your sword bruh”
There are two possible explanations for this. Either no one involved in this project has spoken firsthand to a teenager in over twelve years and their only sources are op-eds written by other baby boomers. Or they did consult actual teenagers, who succeeded in trolling the living hell out of them.
six of one, half dozen of the other
so, I looked into this, because as an ex-church-kid, this delights me to no end. and, my friends? we have only just begun to pull the thread on this sweater!
this book was originally published on August 14th 2020. as you can see above, Matt Walsh’s tweets were from August 21st - but he wasn’t the only one to notice this garbage, and he wasn’t even the first.
by August 20th, multiple Christian news websites had already taken issue with the book, as you can tell by these hilarious headlines:
and by the end of the 20th (at 5:35pm to be exact) Lifeway issued an apology:
lol, guess they realized they fucked up baaad.
(a day later, Sunday Cool also jumped on board the apology train, with this cringe-worthy nonsense.)
so, both companies apologized, ensured people that they weren’t trying to translate the whole bible into this “Gen-Z lingo” (gross), and said that people could still buy the book if they wanted to.
but here’s the deal. the book they’re selling? it’s not the original book.
Exhibit A:
^ that’s the original cover of the book. “The Word According to Gen Z - A 30-Day Devo Challenge.”
but the book they’re selling now? well, see for yourself. Exhibit B:
“The Word According to Gen Z - A 30-Day Devo Challenge Using a Made-Up Language for a Real Generation.”
“Using a Made-Up Language for a Real Generation”
these nerds don’t want to admit that they actually thought Gen Z talked like that! what a lack of commitment. they disappoint me.
and the free sample pdf on their website is edited as well! no longer does it say “Cap G” (short for Capital G, by the way - like how Christians spell “God” with a capital G) and “Big J” - now, it just says “God” and “Jesus.”
…good thing I’m a veritable internet detective, because I found the original sample pdf, which is just as cringey as it looked! I recommend skimming it if you want, because it’s a disaster.
but, now that we know that they edited the book, how will we find out what the rest of the verses were? how ever can we know just how bad it truly was before Christian news sites yelled “blasphemy!” and Lifeway had a collective panic attack?
well, guess what! this devo book came with video lesson tie-ins, and they left their whole website up, for anyone to stumble across!
it’s right here, and it’s…jesus fuck. it’s painful.
here are a few of the other “translations,” next to the original verses, so that you can compare:
Isaiah 40:8, NIV Bible:
“The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.”
The “Gen-Z” version:
“Moo moo food goes bye bye, and pedal pads take an L, but Cap G’s scripts are perm.“
what the fuck? what the actual fuck? here, have another:
Matthew 4:4, NIV Bible:
“Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
The “Gen-Z” version:
“Dudes can’t make it on sammie blanks alone, gotta feast on that real talk from Cap G.”
“sammie blanks”?? sammie blanks?
Ephesians 6:17, NIV Bible:
“Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
The “Gen-Z” version:
"Take that noggin guard of savies and that big ol’ knife of Cap G’s wordz.”
ah, of course. that big ol’ knife.
one last one, and then I’m done with this.
Galatians 6:2, NIV Bible:
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
The “Gen-Z” version:
“Forklift your fam’s saddies so Cap G’s sched is maxed out and relaxing all cool.”
I…I’ve got nothing. this broke me. I give up!
final notes:
1. don’t go following Matt Walsh on twitter. like, I’m glad he brought this to our attention, but he’s marked red on shinigami eyes, and from his tweets, he looks like a shitty person.
2. all of these translations are actually blasphemy, and I’m pretty sure a few of them count as straight-up heresy. so, there’s a fun thought!
3. I’m pretty sure this is also racist? like, some of these verses seem like mangled AAVE, and that’s not okay! that’s fucking terrible!
4. when you click on any of the video tie-ins, you’ll find out that the guy in the devo videos looks like this:
yes, he’s wearing sunglasses in a dimly-lit room. and yes, he’s wearing a shirt with a picture of praying hands and the word “Yeet” on it. and on that note…
5. what the fuck do they think “yeet” means? I mean, that “yeet pray love” shirt is a work of art, but this begs the question…what do they actually think it means?
what are we supposed to be yeeting?
anyway, thanks for coming to my ted talk.
I am making a very small sourdough
Frankly my best idea
i hope you dont mind the edit
how is this so perfect 😂😂😂
#can people stop hiring paul bettany to be ice cold and whispery #and hire him again to be A HYPER CON ARTIST STAND-UP EMCEE AGAIN #pls and thnk u
I miss when everyone on my dash listened to Welcome to Night Vale so there’s be a good chance that on any ole day someone would reblog a quote that would grab me by the throat and forcibly ascend me to a higher plane where I understood myself and the universe better and with more kindness but also a little spook
“The past is gone, and cannot harm you anymore. And while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first and settles in as the gentle present” are you kidding me this quote has propelled me through at least three emotional crises
meirl
muppet version of knives out where daniel craig is the token human and changes nothing about his performance
so i’ve seen this around a lot and i always felt like the version i listened to just. didn’t have everything? sO! i edited together my three favourite versions of the tik tok sea shanty! enjoy!!
(listen with headphones if possible!)
(yes i know the ending is bad oKaY-)
Damn I just realized that since the Rohirrim didn’t read or write (wise but unlearned, writing no books but singing many songs) that means Eowyn couldn’t read or write and since she marries Nerdboy McGee who loves reading and writing more than anything you can your bottom dollar one of the first thing that happens in their courtship/marriage is Faramir and Eowyn wholesome tutoring sessions in the Minas Tirith library (!)
#STOP eowyn really is the dumb jock of my dreams…
the best addition to this post by far.
#what would you do if we kissed in the minas tirith library [50 emojis]
I feel like it’d be an exchange; Faramir teaches Eowyn his love of books and writing and in return she teaches him the many, MANY, songs of the Rohirrim that have never been written anywhere.
I’m crying……….. because what if they co-author a book of Rohhirim folk tales and history together T_T
Also Faramir keeps trying to over-analyze everything like “Ah, I see, the horse keeps tripping because we all must stumble our way through the unpredictable nature of this world” and she’s like “No babe, the horse keeps tripping because it’s funny and this is a story used to cheer up frightened children.”
If you saw this in a foreign country, you'd say that a failed leader incited his supporters to storm the democratically-elected legislature in order to overthrow a democratic election and violently stay in power.
And you'd be right.