I'm getting personal here, but I just want to get this out. But first, mom, I know you're on here, I do not want to talk about this post. At all. If you want, you can call some therapists up for me.
I've always been pretty fortunate growing up, I've got a mom and a dad who love me as well as a step mom and step dad who are both great and a lot of siblings that, now that I'm older, I get along with.
My first thing is that it's frustrating to me that I struggle with depression and anxiety as much as I do. I wanted to do better in school, get better grades, have lots of friends, but until i was mostly through college, i had no idea how much i was struggling until my grandma started through her third round of cancer, and i just sort of broke. I failed two classes lost my best friend of many years, lost said grandma, and almost lost one of my older brothers.
It was easier when I transferred to a school closer (and cheaper) to home, but I still struggled and had no idea. I had no motivation, I couldnt even bring myself to watch movies. I slept all the time but was always half asleep. I dissociated (only rarely). I had panic attacks (usually at night).
I dont really know what the last straw was for me, but I finally went to to my doctor begging him,"help me".
I've been on antidepressants since. My dad... oh boy my dad. He was furious when my mom let two things slip to him. The first was that I am asexual. He is sure it's just something I read on the internet and will grow out of. Weve never spoken about this, and I'm okay with that.
The other thing is the antidepressants. He seems certain that I'm going to fry my brain on them and I'm gonna go suicidal. He doesnt seem to understand that I wasnt suicidal to begin with. He doesnt understand how much they help me be me.
I dont understand him. He is toxic toward my poor step mom, like almost emotionally abusive. He doesnt connect with my younger siblings like he did his two older kids (but at least he didnt basically beat them like he did my older brother before my mom stepped in). He changed a lot, some good, like he doesnt hardly drink alcohol, but lately hes been making more and more rash decisions. He bought a $12,000 boat when he knows they are tight on money. He keeps buying things for said boat. He buys more parts to make more guns.
The night before thanksgiving he got into an awful fight with my stepmom. And by fight I mean he said some awful things like "dusky doesnt visit because of you" and my personal favorite: "you dont deserve a mothers ring"
Guess what shes getting for christmas.
She practically raised those kids herself. Sure my dad makes all the money, but kids dont care about that kind of stuff. I'm certain that if they got divorced those kids would choose to live with her in a heartbeat.
To top all that off, I need to job/school hunt.
I am terrified of the inevitable rejection. I've got only like two, maybe three (BIG emphasis on maybe) profs I can ask for a letter of recommendation from, and I know a lot of my work was meh, average.
And I'm just sad, lost and need a therapist.
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