“-_-”

Ellie | 22.75 Take me to your leaderrr

[elliek599]

Some draw the squad things from the past couple days

I’m trying to get my mind off something 😞

[elliek599]

Girl Of My Dreams (Literally)

I’m so sad!!! I had my whole dream typed out and tumblr deleted it! F*ck tumblr!

Last night I dreamt that I went to another universe. There was a field of floating demon cat heads that tried to lure people in at night. I didn’t know about this and accidentally wandered too close. Batman saved me and taught me how to dodge the demons. He thought I was pretty good at it so he decided to make me his apprentice. Thus I began moonlighting as Batgirl.

My days consisted of training with Batman when he wasn’t busy, trying to use resources at Wayne Manor to find a way home, low-level crime-fighting as Batgirl, and staying in various people’s guest rooms because Wayne Manor was a bit lonely and I liked getting to know the community. I was trying but couldn’t make any progress towards getting home, and the more time passed the less I thought about my old life.

One of my favorite houses to stay at was that of a couple with two kids. Their son had just moved out and they liked having someone around their daughter’s age to keep her company. Their daughter wasn’t very nice to me at first, but it turned out she just had trouble opening up. One night she finally decided to open up to me and we really hit it off. We were goofing around and laughing and after a while we kissed. I didn’t have as much time as I would’ve liked to spend with her so our relationship progressed very slowly. But I was very fond of her and thought of her as my girlfriend, and hoped she felt the same way or was heading in that direction.

One day I met someone who used to be friends with my girlfriend when they were in elementary school. It turned out he was very upset because he had asked her out and she turned him down. After similar situations occurring several times, he got fed up with it and decided to become a villain. I knew that his first target would be the first person who had hurt him: my girlfriend. I ran to Wayne Manor which was nearby and grabbed my Batcycle. But it was invisible and I didn’t know how to use it very well. No matter what I tried I couldn’t get it to go as fast as I wanted. By the time I got there it was too late. My girlfriend was shaking and crying. I knew she had been hurt. Her brother was there and I told her she would be safe with him but she didn’t want me to leave. I assured her I’d be back and raced after the villain.

I killed him four and a half times and when we arrived at the hospital I secured him to the bed with invisible restraints. He kept taunting me and I wanted to kill him again but I had realized that he had an ability where every time he died he would instantly come back to life much stronger. Even with all my Batgear I couldn’t hurt him anymore. But I was so angry. I shouted “when Batman gets here he’s gonna kick your ass! He’s gonna kill you four more times and throw your ass in jail!” The villain just laughed. Little did I know he had broken free of his restraints- he had pretended to still be restrained, knowing that I couldn’t tell because the restraints were invisible. As soon as I turned my back he slipped out of the hospital.

I ran outside and my girlfriend was fighting him. They both had knives and kept attacking each other. My girlfriend wanted revenge for what he had done to her, but I knew it was no use. It was so hard to break them apart but finally I grabbed the back of my girlfriend’s shirt and dragged her away. She was actually grateful because she knew it wasn’t worth it but she was so upset she couldn’t stop herself. I told her that it would be okay and she would get the justice she deserved. “When Batman gets here he’ll beat him up and throw his ass in jail.” She nodded sadly.

I think I woke up before Batman even showed up. I was very mad at him for taking so long.

I don’t understand how this could’ve just been a dream. It felt like weeks or months had passed by. It was really like I had a whole other life there… I had new friends, a girlfriend, and I was so badass as Batgirl. I miss that world and I hope that someday I’ll be able to return…

I tried to draw my dream girlfriend, because I miss her very much. She was so beautiful, inside and out. The drawing looks nothing like her. It’s impossible to accurately capture her beauty (and it’s hard to vividly recall the face of someone from a dream). If there is some other universe out there and we really did meet… I just hope that she knows that I’m thinking of her and that she’s ok. I hope she would appreciate my sincere effort to draw her despite the inaccuracies.

I used the AI on ibispaint x and her hair happened to come out almost the exact color I remembered it. So I used that as a base and continued coloring from there. I decided to preserve some of the coloring from the AI because I felt like it gave it a dreamlike effect.

[beaft]

nothing brings me more joy than repeatedly doing a bit that my mother dislikes

[beaft]

i think i'm funny and that's the main thing

[elliek599]

Sigh

I just don’t even know what to do anymore. My emotions are a mess. My mood changes one millisecond to the next. It’s like I’m feeling everything and nothing at the same time.

I’ve decided on a couple things:

I want to start a mental health blog. I’ve been noodling around the idea ever since someone suggested it several months ago. Then someone in group therapy said people with social media should use it to spread the word about the importance of taking care of mental health. At this point I think it would be beneficial for me just to write it for the sake of writing it. I mean I do spend a lot of time writing this stuff anyway. The only difference is I would be editing and uploading those entries as blog posts. When I think about it this way, it sounds simple really. The only thing is that I hate responsibility. And commitments. If I commit to writing this blog and get followers, then they will expect me to post content. But my depression takes ahold of me sometimes and I simply don’t have the energy to even consider making a blog post, let alone actually do it. And I don’t want to let people down. But that’s all theoretical anyway. I think for now I will continue to use tumblr as a platform for expressing my thoughts. This will give me a bit of a feel for blogging without the commitment of establishing a whole new website. I do want to express myself. I think that my experienes could hold value for others. I don’t want to keep my thoughts closed off from the world anymore. For now I just want to help myself, and hopefully along the way I can help others. I’m still trying to understand myself and what I want out of life. I feel like I need a break from school. From work. I need time. But I think starting this blog could make me feel just a little bit better. It’s already giving me somewhat of a sense of purpose. I think what i’m going to do is keep it on tumblr for a couple months or so, until I get a new phone and can have the convenience of being able to post from there. Then I will consider shifting to another platfrom. I think tomorrow I’ll run the idea by my therapy group and see what they think.

Well I’m realizing I started a list but now I wrote a lot and forgot what my other points were.

Basically, I just want to express my thoughts and feelings that others may be able to relate to. I want to normalize talking about mental health. The tabboo surrounding the topic does nothing but hurt people. I’ve realized today that I have likely missed out on treatment that I needed because people invalidated my experiences. Being a teenager and having a therapist ask you if you have trauma, then talking to your parent about it and they immediately shut you down… that is confusing and damaging. I’m not saying these things to complain or to whine, I’m saying them to make people aware. Because so many people are told that emotional trauma is not trauma, or that abuse can only be physical. That is not true. And I think that had I had someone who simply validated my feelings (or at least didn’t invalidate them), and had I not been under the impression that abuse could only be considered such if it was intentional… I would’ve said “hey, you know, I’m not sure if I’ve had trauma or not. But I do know that these feelings mean something, and it is having an effect on my life. I think I would be open to exploring that possibility and potentially seeking treatment”.

The other thing that I want to do is help people who may not have access to the resources that I have now. I am lucky enough to currently be enrolled in The Anxiety Treatment Center in California. This is my sixth week there, and they’ve been a tremendous help. I have learned so much there. But I know that there are people who may be too young to get support without parental consent, or whose insurance may not cover that type of treatment, or who may have some other obstacle to getting the help that they need. The only thing I can do is spread the word, share what I have learned, and give advice based on my personal experience. So, I am not sure if anyone will read this, but for whoever may need to see it: you are not alone. There is hope. I believe in you.

[elliek599]

I noticed that most of the roadside pikmin have their stickers in a specific spot... (red on head, yellow on chest, etc)

So are these guys kinda like “shiny” pokémon?

[frowningfox]

My cat likes to keep a schedule and if I don’t go to bed on time he just… sits somewhere nearby and stares at me until I go to bed.

Tonight while doing that, he fell asleep

So instead of going to bed like he wanted me to I made him into a meme

[elliek599]

I made my cousin’s Pikmin Bloom character

[elliek599]

Why are my hips so f***ing bony????

I ask myself this question almost every night and I’ve yet to come up with an answer

[elliek599]

I don’t recommend staying up past 4 a.m.

I just randomly forgot what year it is and I actually can’t figure out if I have to pee

[elliek599]

I did it!!! I reached my 7-day exercise streak goal!!! 🎉

I am so proud of myself! Not long ago this seriously wouldn’t have even been possible. I feel like I just gave depression a major kick in the ass 👊

This means I also got badges for a perfect week in both exercise and move on apple watch for the first time ✌️

I’m really just so happy right now~

Anyway here are some highlights from today’s workout:

[elliek599]

Ok so this was actually a huge deal for me because I have the noodliest flippin arms and this is on “Extra” mode where you’re a penguin instead of a chicken which is EXTREMELY hard and I’ve never been able to flap those poor noodle arms hard enough to make it up to the blimp. Until Friday 😆

And then, to top things off, right after that I also beat the advanced mode of Orienteering for the first time ever!

I really wasn’t expecting to beat it either. I was hoping to, because I’ve been doing a lot better at it lately, but I was trying to have a “whatever happens, happens” attitude so that I wouldn’t be disappointed if I didn’t get them all again... and then I beat it with over a minute left on the clock 😆😆😆

I just can’t believe I beat both of these for the first time on the same night. I’ve had this game for 8 years. It’s just so crazy. I’m glad for it though, because it’s helping to motivate me even more. I’m determined to beat all the Wii Fit U games 💪

[elliek599]

This is what it said when I weighed my dog on Thursday

[elliek599]

This was also Wednesday. Hm...

Wednesday was actually a pretty rough day for me emotionally, so it’s nice to look back and see that there were actually some positives that day

[elliek599]

Hit this on Wednesday too

I guess maybe I was productive that day? I don’t really remember

[elliek599]

Hit this on Wednesday

I was pretty proud of myself

Full disclosure some streak freezes/repairs were used but not a ton

[elliek599]

I’ve been getting back into Wii Fit U

Clearly I’ve got some things to work on

[elliek599]

I don’t know why I don’t post in here more. Nobody really looks at the blog so I kind of use it as a diary. Someone suggested that I should start a blog about mental health and stuff. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, but I keep writing a ton of stuff in my phone’s notes. If usually starts out as a draft of a text, but ends up way too long to send, so no one ever sees it. But if I’m writing it anyway, why not write some stuff on here? Even if nobody sees it, it still helps me to get my feelings typed out. And if anyone ever does read it and finds it helpful in some way, I’d be really glad about that.