Emerson’s Chaos

🕰️💜💭😆💋💧➡️🚫

[emersonschaos]

I want a black beanie with cat ears.

[emersonschaos]

Less:

“You belong to me.” “Tell me you’re mine.”

i.e. Demanding their loyalty, speaking for them, taking away their choice, possessive, objectifying.

Possibly hot in the moment and fiction, but ick irl.

*No kink shaming, but like maybe talk about it first? Consent? This should probably not be the default.

More:

“I’m yours.” “My heart / I belong to you.”

i.e. Proclaiming your own loyalty, speaking for yourself, giving them the opportunity to respond, respectful, caring.

Hot always and super sweet in both fiction and real life.

Promise, vow, and pledge yourself all you want, but don’t make pledges for me.

[emersonschaos]

So my chronic tiny violin first world struggle is that all I want in life is a friend to just like exist in my vicinity, like to body double or cook or binge a show or just like do homework while I read or something, like no orchestrated plans or small talk necessary. But the four friends I have live far away and are very bad at messaging me back, which is totally understandable because I tend to be overwhelming and go stream of consciousness and nd info dump inconsequential information on anyone and everyone willing to listen (see this entire post for exhibit A), although it often feels like no one is listening, not that there’s anything important to be listening to. I mean even when my friends lived close by no one was ever available to just do nothing together. You know those friendships in movies and tv shows where friends just come over afterschool? I’m fairly convinced there is no grain of truth anywhere in that and it’s Hollywood bullshit. But I know that my friends are stupid busy and they’ve all got sos and other friends and family and like legitimate carriers, and me asking for that kind of attention isn’t fair and a lot of pressure, so while I love my friends and don’t want to look for new ones, I know that I should. And I know that good approachable weird people like me are a thing that exists out in the real world, but looking for friends and being social and being perceived in public in general is paralyzing and I was just lucky to stumble across these friends in school when being social was mandatory by some authority other than my brain. But there’s a reason why I can barely manage grocery shopping and why I work inventory in a warehouse with only two other employees rather than a customer service job or office or successful sustainable real job. And also I live with my parents, and I’m around family all the time, and my brothers always answer my calls and are willing to listen to my inane ramblings, and my mom would do anything for me and spends so much time with me and she tries so hard, and I’m just so so sorry that that isn’t enough sometimes. Like it’s not like I’m actually short on attention.

So my pathetic self pity struggle is if I have good, albeit distant, friends, and a good supportive social system with my family, and I’m not even willing to put in the effort to get more?

Now to negate that entire sob story: it is all completely moot because even if I did have someone to body double with me or exist adjacently in my vicinity, I would be too anxious and hyperaware of their presence and my loudness and awkwardness to actually function anyway.

TLDR : I am a lost cause that can function neither with nor without a human supervisor.

[emersonschaos]

I want to learn Morse code.

[emersonschaos]

Life goal:

To be the unholy offspring of lightning and death itself.

[emersonschaos]

“I know that I am nothing new;

There’s so much more than me and you.

But brother, how we must atone

Before we turn to stone.”

- Turn to Stone, Ingrid Michaelson

[emersonschaos]

“The dead rarely [say] anything the living [can] hear.”

- Potter and Malfoy’s Guide to the Internet, Bitui_n (Ao3)

[emersonschaos]

Possible usernames or something, idk 2:

- potty and the weasel

- weasel king

- mimblewimble

- mimblywimbly timey wimey

- gred and forge

- roonil wazlib

- call me sir professor

- biscuit potter

- merlins soggy left

- the constipation sensation gripping the nation

- you know poo

- good looking but French

- Percy weatherby

- I must tell lies

[emersonschaos]

Fun development:

jury duty summons = panic attack + total shut down

[emersonschaos]

“Lady, thy bitchhood hath only begun.”

- Great American Bitch, Suffs

[emersonschaos]

“Don’t wish. Don’t start.

Wishing only wounds the heart.”

- I’m Not That Girl, Elphaba, Wicked

[emersonschaos]

“But a woman is a changeling,

Always shifting shape,

Just when you think you have it figured out,

Something new begins to take.”

- King, Florence + the Machine

[emersonschaos]

“If you say I’m too much,

Baby, go find less.

If you can’t keep up,

Stay below I guess.

If I’m such a big deal,

Maybe you’re too little…

Honey, please…

You’re breaking your own heart.”

- Too Much, Dove Cameron

[emersonschaos]

I love love love Ncuti Gatwa.

[emersonschaos]

A Note to Barnes & Noble

and other corporations

I have been a loyal customer my entire life. I was so excited when I saw that your company was coming back and a new location was being built by my house. However, things have come to my attention recently that have made me question my continued patronage to Barnes & Noble.

Google claims the definition of a customer-vendor interaction is an equal exchange of payment for goods or service. Maybe you can double check your definition in your vast stock of literature and knowledge as you seem to be proving this definition incorrect.

I have maintained an audiobook subscription with the faith that you would honor the money you are taking from me, but I now see that my credits are disappearing. About a year ago my depression became unbearable. Still, I kept faith in you. I trusted you to be there when I made it through my tough time, looking forward to when I would have the motivation to dive back in to everything you have to offer.

Are you trying to convince me that my money has lost its value? Or perhaps your corporation has become too grand and greedy to concern yourselves with the rules of honest capitalism?

I generously overlooked the convoluted process to purchase books and audiobooks through your apps—After all, what company would willingly make the purchasing of their product so difficult. Isn’t streamlining the purchase process, and therefore encouraging people to spend more money, in the best interest of the company?—However now it feels intentional, encouraging my subscription but discouraging my making use of it, taking my money and giving nothing in return.

I had hope for you in these times of political and economic uncertainty. I thought that—of all people—you, the human beings of Corporate Barnes & Noble, might actually read some of the books you stock, that it might inspire the tiniest bit of empathy and a broader understanding of the value of money, especially to the other common human beings that you see and interact with every day. But now I see you are like every other corrupt corporation that believes its rights should be “comparable to” (i.e. above) those of us with a heartbeat.

Before, I saw you as a distributor of knowledge, but now I see you are simply a gatekeeper, and I cannot support that.

I know that you will dismiss my shifting allegiance because it won’t affect your bottom line, but along with my allegiance, I am shifting my hope to the common human beings you seem to have overlooked. I hope that one day we will be common enough to show you that you should not have dismissed us so quickly.

[emersonschaos]

K-Pop Demon Hunter Lyrics

• “Bleeding isn’t in my blood.”

• *falling from a plane*

“Fit check for my napalm era”

• “Knocking you out like a lullaby.”

• “Called a problem child cus I got to

wild, but now that’s how I’m getting

paid.”

• “Any time it hurts, play another verse,

I can be your sanctuary.”

• “I will love you more when it all

burned down.”

• “More than power, more than gold, you

gave me your heart, now I’m here for

your soul.”

• “I’m the only one who’ll love your

sins.”

• “I broke into a million pieces, and I

can’t go back, but now I’m seeing all

the beauty in the broken glass.”

• “Why did I cover up the colors stuck

inside my head, I should have let the

jagged edges meet the light instead.”

• “Darkness and harmony.”

• “My voice without the lies, this is

what it sounds like.”

• “So we were cowards, so we were liars,

so we’re not heroes, we’re still

survivors.”

• “Dive in the fire and I’ll be right

here by your side.”

[emersonschaos]

“You can’t reason with a headless man.”

- Bing Crosby, The Headless Horseman, The

Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad