Haven't talked on this account in years but I have one else to talk to right now so fuck it
I have never felt more lonely than I do right now. Having someone who you care so much about and have shared more than half your life with basically spit in your face, trample all over your heart, and do it in a way that isolates you from anyone else you could talk to about the situation is just. Awful. I can't think of another word. All our other friends are involved - no matter what I do, I look like the crazy one or the bad guy. Say something? I'm jealous and trying to ruin things for them. Don't say anything? I'm being petty and giving the silent treatment. They call things off? I'm the reason they're heartbroken. I'm the reason the group breaks up. I'm the reason I lose all my friends and the hobby that quite literally kept me alive during the worst time of my life. It doesnt matter that I'm heartbroken, that I'm the one they basically told to fuck off so they could get what they want, that the person who always claims to be the most protective of me in this world is the reason I've lost all sense of who I can and cant rely on emotionally. They wanted the same thing as me, got it, and if I dare say anything about it then whatever happens as fallout is because of me. My fault, my fault, my fault. Always my fault.
I don't know if they don't realize how isolated they've left me or if they do and they don't care. Less than a day ago I'd think they didn't know, that they're too kind to do that on purpose, but if they care so little for me that they'd knowingly do something to hurt me then maybe they do know - maybe, just like the risk of losing our friendship, it's worth it to them for their happy ending.
I look like I'm the problem if I even think of speaking about it, so I just have to let it sit, and rot, and fester as I realize how little I truly matter to the people around me and how stupid I was to think that someone calling me family meant anything other than me being slightly harder to get rid of once I've served my purpose.
The person I would always talk to when I'm hurt about something is the one who did it, in a horrible way, and did it knowing that it could end our friendship and that hurts the most out of all of it - that I'm so unimportant to them. That the risk of losing me, that knowing what they were going to do could hurt me so deeply, and doing it anyway all so they could get what they wanted. Do I mean that little? Did the thought not cross their mind, or did it and they didn't care? I don't know whats worse, to matter so little you're not even thought of or to be thought of then discarded because you're deemed less than what they really want.
We're they planning it the whole time? Did they end every conversation with me thinking to themselves "wow she's gonna be so hurt when she finds out."? Were they listening to me ramble and open up and be honest and vulnerable, holding a knife behind their back the entire time? Or was it a spur of the moment decision, a split second thing that they decided was worth 15 years of trust and a bond that will never be the same again, even if things get smoothed over? Which would hurt more, to be manipulated and lied to or to be ignored and thrown away?
Why am I so easy to leave, and throw away, and so unwanted by everyone? What it is about me that says "stick around until you find something worth more to you then toss me out with the trash, it's fine?"
It has to be me, right? It keeps happening. I keep being told I'm loved, and cherished, and that they care and want to protect me. And then the rug pull, the "but I really do care", the realization of how much I mean and that it's nothing. I mean nothing to them.
Partners. Friends. Family. Parents. Everyone just keeps me around until something better comes along, and then when I have the chance for something better for myself, when I have the chance to finally be excited and hopeful and love something again after almost losing myself entirely the last time I tried to love anything at all, it happens again. I lose, every time. I lose respect, I lose trust, and I think this time I might really lose myself.
Because it has to be me. I am the common factor, the one thing that's always left behind. People don't leave useful, loved, cared for things behind. They leave behind burdens. So it must be me, and that realization is the most isolating and devastating thing.
There is something about me that is so inherently worthless and unlovable that my best friend of 15 years would throw me away for a guy they've known for less than half that time. One they wouldn't know if I'd never invited them into the group. One they knew I liked, and to them that's the problem - that I like him too. Not that they did something hurtful knowing it was hurtful, not that I'll never able to tell them anything in confidence again without wondering what they'll do with that information, not that they have seen how hard it was for me to open up after the last time I dared to like anyone and encouraged me to do exactly that only to throw salt in a still bleeding wound.
And the fact that they can't seem to understand that's the issue - the disrespect, disregard, the disgust they've caused me to feel towards myself for stupidly trusting anyone - that they think the reason I'm upset is the guy. That I'm so childish a little crush is what's got me so heartbroken. Do they even know me? Or do they just tell themselves what they need to hear to feel less shitty about what they're doing, to justify it being a totally fine and normal way to treat someone you claim to love?
I don't know. I'm tired. Tired of caring and letting myself think that's reciprocated. Tired of being told something painful is happening because the person causing it cares about me. They care enough to tell me how they've hurt me after they've done it, but not enough to just not hurt me in the first place. A pattern in my life that I can finally see.
I don't want to be part of the pattern anymore. I don't want to keep trying to let people in only to feel like I lose more of myself when they walk away.
i hate it when i cant even write a poem about something because its too obvious. like in the airbnb i was at i guess it used to be a kids room cause you could see the imprint of one little glow in the dark star that had been missed and painted over in landlord white. like that's a poem already what's the point
I reblogged her late last year and my 2024 has been very satisfying work-wise and (secure enough to not stress out) money-wise so far. Money Snake is wise and good.
one time there was a tumblr user with the url âpizzaâ and she would just comment on any text post about pizza saying âomg thatâs meâ and then we found out she had an entire tag dedicated to saying the n word
i love how delusional some articles of clothing are, like you read the tag and its like âhand wash only/tumble dry on lowâ son you are a cotton tshirt. youre going in the warsh and whatever happens in there is in gods hands
Halloween Series: Goddesses of Death & Magic đâš
Melinoe (ÎηλÎčÎœÎżÎ· meaning âDark-Mindedâ) was the goddess of ghosts, nightmares and funerary rites in Greek mythology. At night she wandered the earth with her train of ghosts, striking fear into the hearts of men. Her limbs were black on one side and white on the other, a manifestation of her dual chthonic and heavenly nature. Her presence was also believed to be the reason why dogs would bark at seemingly-nothing at night.
(Zuhair Murad Fall 2021 Haute Couture Collection)
Naides (ÎÏÏΔΌÎčÏ meaning âto flowâ) were the nymphs of rivers, streams, lakes, marshes, fountains and springs in Greek mythology. In many myths Naiades were the wives of kings and hold a prominent place in the royal genealogies. Others, such as the beautiful daughters of the River Asopos, were loved by the gods. They often gave their names to towns, cities and islands, and as such were surely regarded as the goddess-protectors of a settlementâs main water supply such as a spring, fountain, or wells. In conjunction with Artemis (goddess of the hunt) they were also nurses of the young and the protectors of girls, overseeing their safe passage into adulthood.
(Zuhair Murad Spring 2022 Haute Couture Collection)
Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.
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Richard Siken, the worm kingâs lullaby; from âWar Of Foxesâ
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[ID: Tumblr user @slowwshoww writes:
suzanne collins killing prim after everything katniss did to save herâŠâŠâŠ. THATS how you write a story about the brutality and futility of war ma'am thats what we call a compelling and fucked up narrative yessums thats storytelling babes!!!!
Tumblr user @booksâand-cleverness adds a quote from an interview with the author of the book:
« That was one of the first questions I asked her when we sat down: âDid you always know that [Prim] was going to die?â And she said, âOh yeah, of course, thatâs the whole point.â » (x)
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[ID: Tumblr user @orpheuslament:
i love tragedy i love circular narratives i love ppl who cannot escape their fate & characters that have been dead since the beginning
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[ID: Tumblr user @faustandfurious:
the worst fictional deaths are actually the ones you see coming, where there is enough foreshadowing that you have time to hope, against all odds, that the character will survive, even as you realise that thereâs no way out this time, theyâre not going to make it, this was always how it was going to end.
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[Text description:
Do you still believe myths
can save you? Foolish creature
Let me be clear: every version of this story
Ends with you being slaughtered.
END]
Tory Adkisson, Anecdote of the Pig
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[ID: Tumblr user @sawasawko:
if youâre dead at the end of the story were you dead from the beginning. oh emily brontĂ« weâre really in it now
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[Text description:
This was always going to happen. Sheâs been dead from the beginning.
END]
Aeschylus, The Oresteia
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[Text description:
This is why people cry at the movies: because everybodyâs doomed. No one in a movie can help themselves in any way. Their fate has already staked its claim on them from the moment they appear onscreen.
