Esser's Blog Of Stuff

(if she remembers to update) well over 18, but usually sfw

[beardedmrbean]

Periscope up

[birds-in-posts]

Green heron (Butorides virescens)

[flareonfloof]

birds have secret bones we're not allowed to know about

[i-am-the-oyster]

[prokopetz]

The problem with trying to fix The X-Files is that its writing and characterisation are so wildly uneven even from episode to episode within a given season that most of the time your "improved" version will just end up being an accurate description of a specific episode of The X-Files.

[milquetoaast]

theyre putting something in the water that makes you pee.

[prokopetz]

I know this is due to my particular constellation of interests, but for me the funniest thing about the "everything in a given century happened simultaneously" view of history being applied to the 1900s is bumping into increasing numbers of people who are genuinely unclear on whether Dungeons & Dragons pre-dates or post-dates The Lord of the Rings.

[corviiids]

was talking to a coworker and realised i could not for the life of me remember his name but i was too embarrassed to ask because we've spoken multiple times so mid-conversation i started concocting a plan to nudge the conversation towards the ID photos on our building passes so that i could be like oh my ID photo is awful haha the camera they use to take these has a real talent for making me look as unphotogenic as possible and then he would say oh yes me too haha everyone says that (because they do) and then i would be able to say well let me see yours it can't be as bad as mine! and he would show me his ID because we are coworkers and why wouldn't he and this would allow me to see his building pass which of course would have his name on it and then i would be able to say well yours is perfectly nice it must be me that's the problem! and then we would have a polite chuckle about it and i would have his name without needing to ask for it and he would be none the wiser and all would be well but then before i could execute this fine plan a little voice in my head went "so this is some light yagami bull shit you are about to pull" which was such a violent reality check it shocked me completely out of my embarrassment and i went "hey im so sorry your name has slipped my mind could you remind me" and he did and it was fine.

[lastoneout]

"This is some Light Yagami bull shit you are about to pull" <- Littany against avoiding small embarrassing/awkward moments that don't matter with over the top ass mind games.

[whosname]

[id. A twitter post by @/Bennieeexyz Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat. Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records. My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now. Called the county clerk. Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty. Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons? Me: Yes, but he's a cat. Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county? Me: He's a legal cat. Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption. Me: He can't file anything. He has paws. Clerk: You can file on his behalf. Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat." Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons." Me: What's the medical reason? Clerk: He's a cat. Me: That's not a medical condition. Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving. Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later. "Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement." Took the letter to my vet. Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty. Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty? Me: Excellent question. No good answer. Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten. Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve? Vet: On what grounds? Me: He's a cat. Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings." Me: Perfect. Sent it in. Got another rejection. "Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court." My roommate thought this was hilarious. Roommate: Felix is going to jail. Me: This is serious. Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens. Decided that was actually the only option left. Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters. Checked in at the courthouse. Clerk: Name? Me: Felix Martinez. Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix? Me: Yes. Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat. Me: I've been saying that for six weeks. Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption? Me: I filed three. All rejected. Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief. Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation? Me: Twice. Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this. Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me. Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote? Me: You tell me. Supervisor: This is a data error. Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out. They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience. Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry. Me: Appreciate it. Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted? Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats. Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card. For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was. Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud. Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent. Roommate: That's what they all say. Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now. Fitting end to his legal career. end id]

[homunculus-argument]

War. Whores. Fish. Fear.

Long ago, the four mongers lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the warmongers attacked.

[basuralindo]

So I just simultaneously did, and possibly didn't lose my job today :)

Very much did in the sense that I literally do not know where my job is at the moment. But, for the time being I haven't been let go because nobody else including the store owner knows where it is either.

So, I don't wanna risk doxxing myself by posting pictures but goddamn am I tempted because this is not a believable event. This is a cartoon problem. For looneytoons.

But yeah, so, I work(ed?) at a kiosk selling boba tea, right? Freestanding kiosk in the mall with full water and electrical hookups and multiple fridges and sinks and a mini kitchen and the works. Fully functional tea shop. Very important to note that it was there last night, The work chat was discussing another issue last night at closing time. I'll get back to this.

It's been showing signs of being on the way out with how business is being handled lately and I've been considering other options, which is probably why I'm not as torn up about this as I should be, but maybe it just hasn't set in yet, but that's not the point. The point is there's been a lot of shit breaking and not being replaced and nobody mentioning anything about it until I walk into work in the morning and have to figure out why shit like the fucking cash register isn't there today. So I'm kinda used to having to ask questions about big things that nobody bothered to update me on. I was out for two weeks recovering from a surgery, so I came to work this morning assuming there'd be some kind of bullshit, yeah?

So, the question I had to ask the chat this morning was:

Not a text I ever thought I'd have to send in sincerity, but there it is. Because what I found instead was a fenced off patch of discolored tiles and a few holes in the floor where my entire place of employment used to be.

And the answer? Nobody knows! It was there last night when the mall closed, and every single trace of the structure and all its contents including drink making supplies and our safe and cashbox was gone when it opened again. And when I say nobody knows, I mean everyone from last night's closers to the actual (former?) owner of the store jad no fucking clue about this until getting that text from me this morning. For once I am actually the first to know. 🎉.

So. I guess I didn't so much lose my job as had it stolen. Not by AI, but good old fashioned hands-on human beings picking it up and carrying it away somehow. All mall security would tell me was that they were instructed not to tell me anything and have us contact our management. Who also don't know anything. And later on I came across some construction workers around the gravesite of the kiosk discussing filling in the holes, asked them about it, and was told that they "weren't at liberty to say".

So, not only is my job gone in the most literal physical sense of the word, but it was taken in some kind of super secret kiosk extraction in the dead of night without any warning or witnesses and nobody is allowed to speak of it. The store owner said she was gonna figure it out 10 hours ago and still no word back.

I don't know what else to say aside from I've been laughing all day and I'm gonna have a hell of a time explaining Schrodinger's Unemployment to the benefits office.

[basuralindo]

Update that is not an update because I'm basically certain this isn't what actually happened:

My mother in law thinks the FBI took it.

Not any of the other stores around the state. Just the one little kiosk.

Why? Because she loves a conspiracy and is just a little bit extra.

Also because she was around for the massive crackdown on Yakuza-owned businesses in Waikiki (in her homestate) that did actually involve the FBI seizing stores (no confirmation of making kiosks cleanly disappear in the middle of the night though).

Still no word from my job on what's actually going on, but the most likely theory so far is that maybe the kiosk was on lease and got repossessed? The mystery continues

(also shout out to the person who proposed Carmen Sandiego)

[basuralindo]

ACTUAL (partial) UPDATE:

According to the owner, based on what she's been able to find out, the kiosk was not removed legally and they're starting a potentially long process of legal action. I hope she gets to sue the shit out of whoever did it but for now at least I know for sure I'm unemployed.

Really hoping for more details in terms of who/why/how, so I'll keep updating if I learn anything.

For now the summary is: An unnamed entity that is most likely mall management (on account of mall security cooperating with them) stole an entire kiosk and all the contents including money and machinery with barely a trace in the middle of the night grinch-style, with zero warning or explanation, and ensured the silence of both security and the construction crew, in an action that was definitely preplanned and illegal, and as far as I know nobody knows its whereabouts.

So now I'm officially out of a job. Because my workplace was literally stolen in the night.

[basuralindo]

Actually fuck it let's share some photos cause I wouldn't be inclined to believe this myself. It's not like anyone can stalk me at my job now and I'm not gonna have to see any coworkers that might find my tumblr.

Enjoy the unintentionally funniest text I've ever sent in my life

Aaand a close-up:

The last remains of a once Very Much Solid And Immobile Workplace

[basuralindo]

HEY HI HELLO THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE

via @kagaminilen

[mysteryteacup]

[cut to a kiosk on legs, sipping a boba, while wandering into the nearest forest on chicken legs]

[ardanelvilyafeanturi]

Here you go @a-bit-too-dyscrasic

[flork-of-cows-official]

[unpeeled-human]

special defense

does this count as anything ???is this art

[unpeeled-human]

im capping it at 59k notes. thats it. shows over everybody

[idlesuperstar]

 - Very good. 

[txf-tarras]

This is the type of film that the phrase “glorious technicolor” was invented for - look at the richness of the colours!

[petermorwood]

To say nothing of a phrase that gets used in this house a bit too often…

[quousque]

ok so this is The Court Jester with Danny Kaye and it is the best fucking movie i swear. It’s a comedy musical robin hood parody thing about an incompetent moron and his extremely competent ass-kicking girlfriend taking down a tyrannical king and restoring the throne to the rightful heir

-the rightful heir is a baby and they can tell it’s the right baby because of a giant birthmark on his asscheek

-the main character’s only talent is singing and the rest of the pseudo robin-hood group just kinda tolerate him because he repeatedly fucks up

-he gets hypnotized into believing he is this amazing swashbuckling sword fighting hero along the lines of Wesley from the Princess Bride and ends up fighting the villain while snapping in and out of hypnosis

-the vessel with the pestle has the pellet with the poison, the chalice with the palace has the brew that is true “what”

-he stumbles his way through the entire plot and never knows what the hell is going on

-Danny Kaye is the funniest motherfucker you’ve never heard of

-seriously go watch it you wan’t regret it

[oldshrewsburyian]

#yea verily yea ( @lessthansix)

[whatevercomestomymind]

And a fun tidbit from the filming was that Danny Kaye had never fenced before this film, so he was trained by Basil Rathbone’s stunt double who was also the fight coordinator. Kaye got so proficient so quickly, that Rathbone himself had to do most of the duel scenes between them as the fight coordinator eventually couldnt keep up with him on the more technical parts of the fight. If you watch closely, you can see that Rathbone stays on camera doing the fencing for a much larger percentage of time than he normally did by that point in his career, and Kaye does all but a couple of shots of his own fencing, because HIS double couldnt keep up and make it believable.

[citizen-zero]

tbh I’d love a horror-comedy about a retail worker accidentally becoming a ghost/demon hunter because they’re just so unfazed by difficult and weird and bellicose customers that evil entities aren’t much more of a challenge.

“sir or ma'am or neuter, I’m going to have to ask you to stop crawling on the ceiling, you’re disturbing the other residents”

“please leave this place before I call the exorcist to remove you from the premises”

“company policy forbids me from accepting power from customers in exchange for my soul or firstborn child”

“sir, if you keep speaking to me like that, I’m going to have to end this spirit board conversation. have a good day, goodbye”

[jumpingjacktrash]

the walls start weeping blood. our hero gives a long-suffering sigh, walks away, comes back with a wheelie mop bucket and biohazard gloves. hey, it’s better than bathrooms on the overnight shift, at least blood’s not smelly when it’s fresh.

[matt-the-blind-cinnamon-roll]

After facing Karen of the Many Coupons and Screaming Children, Asgortoh the Reaper of the Damned is no contest.

[magicmumu]

at least it pays more than minimum wage

[caffeinewitchcraft]

As per usual, it starts from spite. Keely got two write ups (one for being late, the other for yelling a guest that they can’t fish the ice out of her drink) and she’s wondering if she’s going to jump ship before the third or rode this one out. Career-wise, it’d be smart to find a new place before her glowing recommendation turns into a hell-ish one, but on the other…

Well, on the other, this place sucks biscuits and any amount of grief she can cause is a huge plus.

“I need you to stop saying no to customers,” her manager says. “Just for today, I need you to say yes and accommodate customers in any way you can.”

Keely stares at him. “Or else it’s a write up?”

He nods, exhaustion like claw marks under his eyes. “Or else it’s a write up.”

Okay then.

————

“Can you take the cheese out of the quesadilla?”

“But then it’s just going to be a toasted tortilla.”

“I don’t like cheese.”

Keely breathes deeply. “Sounds good.”

She pretends not to hear their offended Gasp when they’re confronted with a plain tortilla.

Of course, she’s the one who has to remake it, so it’s not really a win.

She begins to plot.

——————

She gets through six stupid requests when she’s about had it. She has wiped down a booth three times, floor and seat, for a concerned mother. She has torn the lettuce into smaller chunks for a man who, she sees, just picks them out anyway.

She has modified a burrito so far that it’s just a salad even after telling the customer they should just order a salad.

She is done.

“Remember,” her manager says from the office. “I hear one ‘no’ and you’re out. Today.”

When did he get psychic?

So when The Customer comes up, she’s pretty much ready to do whatever they want to absorb proportions. She’s almost excited for it. Triple the steak? For free?

Of course.

“Hi how are you?” Keely asks.

The woman looks up through greasy hair. “I haven’t slept in three days and my house is haunted.”

Okay. Keely pretends to look through her register. Not the response she expected. “What can I help you with today?”

“Making my house not haunted,” the woman says sarcastically.

Keely freezers. And, look, she’s not Ella enchanted. She doesn’t have to do things no matter what her manager says.

But…

He did say she should say yes the whole day.

An unholy grin sweeps across her face. Second shift won’t be in for an hour. Her manager would have to cover.

“Of course,” she chirps. She whisks off her hat and, when the woman takes a step back In surprise, she swings her legs over the counter and lands silently on the other side. “Let’s go!”

The woman blinks. “ I wasn’t serious, I just—it’s been a long week.”

Keely is already heading for the door. “Anything for our loyal customers! Right, sir?!” She calls to the back.

“Right,” her manager says reflexively. Then, when he sees her booking it, “wait, where are you going?”

“We are doers!” She says and hits the double doors hard enough they both swing out into the wall. “Coming, miss?”

“I, uh, I’m not going to argue?” The woman says, struggling to keep up. She clicks open her car and whimpers when Keely throws that door open too. “Careful, please, this is a Porsche. I really don’t want to go home alone.”

“Great!” Keely buckles her seatbelt. “What type of haunting we talking? Victorian lady? Texas cowboy?”

“The pig demon from that 80s horror, I forget the name,” the woman says flatly. She starts the car with the touch of a button. “Still wanna come home with me?”

Keely, after a moments thought, shrugs. “I had to unclog the toilet last week after customers neglected to tell us it was full of shit for four hours. I’m good.”

The woman nods, unquestioning, and whisks them away just as the manager comes storiming our the front doors.

[argumate]

saw Penn & Teller! holy shit they were great, surprisingly heartening experience, America might be okay

[argumate]

so refreshing to be fooled by someone who repeatedly says they’re bullshitting you instead of putting up with bullshit from someone who insists they’re telling the truth

[argumate]

they're older than they used to be, as are we all, but still performing like they're hungry for their first big break, despite their 25 year (!!) Vegas residency.

Penn lets his sceptic side show through but doesn't over emphasise it; still, I think it's instructive how easy it is to be fooled by someone even in front of a large audience; we live in an adversarial world.

[argumate]

saltdust-crusader said: penn and teller is short for pennis and tellurium

Pennis Gillette? shave that thing clean off!

[ryebreadgf]

my dad is very intensely involved a battle with his city’s public administration over a playground they have tried to forcibly remove like five times in the past 20 years and DID remove once in like 2005 but then had to rebuild because my dad was such a pain in their asses and came through with undeniable receipts of the zoning plan from the 60s/the historic/cultural value of the urban planning…. like there’s a woman in the city office who is his arch nemesis. he is literally the daredevil of urban planning

[ryebreadgf]

everyone in the tags needs to stop saying they want to fuck my dad.

[teathattast]

[teaboot]

I think that if you had enough daughters AND played your cards right you could spring Mambo Number Five out at the EXACT right gathering and shatter your entire family's trust forever

[teaboot]

The secret is to name them out of order with the lyrics so by the time anyone catches on it's too late

[teaboot]

For me personally the ideal gathering would be my funeral

[teaboot]

A little bit for Monica, she's my wife

A little bit for Erica, for her strife

My books all go to Rita, cause she reads

My greenhouse goes to Tina, she plants trees

The furniture is Sandra's, on my lawn

Jewelry for Mary, she can pawn

Ashes go to Jessica, that's my plan

A little bit of me inside a can (ah!)