Assinging popular UK rollercoasters TMA fear entities.
Because sometimes your roller coaster autism and magnus archives autism combine into a secret, third thing.
Also, obviously most roller coasters are kind of inherently tied to vast/spiral, but for the sake of variety I'll only be assigning those entities when it happens to be really thematically relevant.
All clear? Good. Then in no particular order, let's begin.
1 .The Smiler (Alton Towers)
Figured I should start this out on what is quite possibly the UKs most iconic rollercoaster. At a whopping 14 inversions this Gerstlauer infinity coaster holds the world recor-
The spiral. It's the spiral. Yes, I know I literally just said I would be reserving spiral judgements for certain rollercoasters but just. Just look at this fucking thing:
This is quite possibly *the* most spiral aligned rollercoaster you could possibly make. In fact it might literally be the most spiral aligned rollercoaster ever, because with 14 inversions it literally is the most amount of spiraling you can physically do on a rollercoaster.
I mean, watch the goddamn TV Advert for this ride and tell me Fuckhands McMike didn't have a (yaoi) hand in the creation of this thing. Fuck Sanakov land I'm pretty sure the smiler singlehandedly counts as a failed spiral ritual.
It literally sends you insane! That's it, that's the theming! It's logo is a literal fucking spiral! Words themselves cannot get across how quintessentially Spiral this coaster is!!!! Even the FUCKING MUSIC is spirally!
It's even yellow.
So yeah, 10/10 spiral aligned coaster would ride again.
2. The Swarm (Thorpe Park)
From one heavily themed rollercoaster to another, let's take a trip down south to The Swarm, Thorpe Park. I'm going to be biased off the bat and say that the swarm is absolutely one of my faves (just look at that inverted drop!) not to mention the being only wing coaster in the UK.
That being said, despite my fanboying The Swarm was initially a hard one to place. My gut feeling was the Vast (mainly due to how it emulates the feeling of flying) or the corruption (literally called the swarm).
But then I took a step back,actually looked into the theming and lore itself, and it became clear. The Swarm is the Extinction through and through.
For those of you FREAKS no well aquiantted with Rollercoaster Lore, the story of swarm is as follows - an evil Swarm has destroyed humanity).
Thorpe Park even went as far as to put up fake posters around the park and release ARG Style adverts about it (and this song, because Merlin is nothing if not excessive when it comes to it's parks)
So with that in mind, swarm absolutely embodies the two main aspects of the extinction; both the active destruction of the apocolypse and the fear of something new replacing us (in this case presumeably sentiant rolercoasters)
3. Oblivion (Thorpe Park)
I'll keep this entry to roughly the same length as the ride itself.
You go in a Big Hole In The Ground
It's The Buried.
4. The Roller Coaster Formerly Known As The Pepsi Max Big One (Blackpool Pleasure Beach)
Finally, a coaster entry that isn't from a Merlin park. And being both the tallest and steepest rollercoaster in the world, let us introduce the pepsi max big one.
(off screeen whispers)
Wait what do you mean it's no longer the tallest rollercoaster in the world
(more whispers)
What do you mean, "or the steepest"
(even more whispers)
Wait, what do you mean it's not even the Pepsi Max Big One anymore? The Big One? really?
The Big One is an interesting case to me, in that despite technically being the tallest rollercoaster in the UK, there appears to be somewhat of a relative lack of discussion surrounding it. It's just ... there. Hell, while making this list I actually forgot it was the tallest rollercoaster in the UK. Not to mention the whole deal with its changing, corporate name. It just feels so Bizzare. Strange, even ...
That's right motherfuckers we got ourselves a Stranger rollercoaster! It perhaps isn't the most obvious choice, but I'll be damned if I hand over the tallest rollercoaster in the Uk to the Vast, that’s just boring. Plus, I personally find it quite thematically pertinent. Something about the idea of an object getting so subsumed by it’s corporate identity that when that is removed, it’s left with nothing. Something about staking a permanent identity on inherently shifting factors leading to a [redacted] Big One shaped void.
If you want to, if you can imagine it was initially Vast before Fairchild enterprises took a hit and Nikola Orsinov swooped in to claim it.
5) Stealth (Thorpe Park)
We've got ourselves our first pure Vast rollercoaster here folks! Coming in at a hot 5th place we have the 1st most fastest rollercoaster in the UK, that launches you 0-80 mph up 62 meters of pure steel baybe!!
And um.
It doesn't do much else.
But that simplicity is exactly what makes it so vast! The Vast wouldn't fuck around with complex things like "inversions" or "ride experience". It goes up. it goes down. If Simon Fairchild made a rollercoaster it would look like this. Take one look at this thing and tell me it doesn't embody the spirit of Mike "sought out the tallest ride at the carnival" Crew.
If the Spiral gets The Smiler as its quintessential rollercoaster, The Vast gets this.
6) Wickerman (Alton Towers)
Now, the Wickerman is another personal fave of mine, and (in my personal opinion) a key example of how amazing theming can elevate practically any rollercoaster. (To go on a tangent, I'd absolutely recommend riding this during the evening at fright night, if you can. The night serves an already great ride experience into something amazing)
Not only that, but the central theming of said rollercoaster centers around both a) Cults and B) Copious amounts of fire. So, in a manner clearly befitting its assigned entity, it doesn't exactly take an expert to put two and two together and get Ouch. That’s right, it's desolation.
RIP Agnes Montague you would have loved this ride.
Scratch that maybe not considering how she seemingly felt about her cult. Let me change track.
RIP Gertrude Robinson you would have FUCKING LOVED this.
8) Nemesis (Alton Towers)
What, you thought I could make a UK coaster list without bringing up Nemesis? Surely not,I wouldn’t dare shaft everyone's favorite (and currently unavailable!) B&M invert. Wait, what do you mean you don't want to hear about how it "holds up amazingly well over 30 years" and it's "Intensity rivals even that of modern coasters"?
Jokes aside, Nemesis was another hard one to place. Like Swarm, I had a very strong initial preference - this time for the slaughter, mainly due to the whole "trapped alien" deal it has going on.
But, once again like The Swarm, another look into the deeper RollerCoaster Lore (TM) revealed another core aspect of nemesis - this time, that of the Buried.
Specifically, the Lore of Nemesis centers around a mysterious alien entity (aptly named nemesis) found Buried deep underground, and having to promptly be pinned down with tons of steel (which also coincidentally, happend to be the exact shape of a rollercoaster). Hell, the lore even had a comic book made of it.
Not only that, but the actual construction of Nemesis actively involved digging up the earth in order to create the space for it. And if that doesn't scream "buried" it's probably because you can’t hear it under all the layers of dirt.
Honerable Mentions - Kiddy Coaster Edition
9. Flying Fish (Thorpe Park)
It's everones favourite Thorpe Park Kiddy coaster, Flying fish - a coaster with a title that is only 50% inaccurate.
In all seriousness I only chose this coaster because for some inexplicable reason I associate it with the Lonely. Specifically, Peter Lucas. No, I cannot justify this choice other than the fact that look at it and tell me you can't picture Lucas sitting on this, alone, going around and around. He doesn't move or make a sound. Just sits there. Silently .Having the time of his life.
I like to imagine he buys out the entirety of the park for a day with the Lucas family fortune just so he can enjoy this one ride without having to see another human being (you wouldn't catch him dead in a theme park otherwise)
And this is probably as good a point as any to finish the list. Obviously there are way more UK rollercoasters you could assign fears to but these felt like some of the more interesting ones to explore. Anyway if you made it this far then damn. Well done, but also thanks for sharing in this incredibly niche magnus brainrot with me :)
Media effects reality: Technically correct, but is so broad as to be functionally meaningless without properly defining what is meant by "media" and "reality".
Media doesn't effect reality: Legitimately fucking insane statement. Fascinated by the world this conjures.
Make sure you have the LUCE hotline number saved and keep your eye out, if you speak Vietnamese, Cantonese, Nepali, Bengali, Khmer, or Cape Verdean Kriolu they are actively looking for hotline operators with those languages
I don't know if this is the right way to put it but having healed self harm scars as an adult sometimes feels like you're constantly wearing a tshirt that says "I had a pretty rough time between the ages of 12-17 but I'm doing kind of better now" in giant bold letters on it. And like. There's not very much you can do about it.
And of course you can stop people from having to read it by layering, or obscure the words but life goes on and eventually you need to wear something lighter while going to the gym or you want to go swimming or you're just trying to wear clothes you like and. Well it's a t-shirt. It's fabric. You can't completely ignore it obviously, but its also not this super dramatic sad thing, and you've had to wear it for long enough you've come to terms with what it announces about you. And it's been a couple of years so you put on the clothes and just get on with your life.
Occasionally you'll catch someone reading the words on the tshirt with a concerned look on their face, or a well intientioned drunk lady at the bar will try to hug you and ask what happened and you'll just be like. Oh yeah. The TShirt. But also you still want to climb and swim and dance and stuff so you just gotta live with this piece of ratty fabric.
I don't know if this is the right way to put it but having healed self harm scars as an adult sometimes feels like you're constantly wearing a tshirt that says "I had a pretty rough time between the ages of 12-17 but I'm doing kind of better now" in giant bold letters on it. And like. There's not very much you can do about it.
And of course you can stop people from having to read it by layering, or obscure the words but life goes on and eventually you need to wear something lighter while going to the gym or you want to go swimming or you're just trying to wear clothes you like and. Well it's a t-shirt. It's fabric. You can't completely ignore it obviously, but its also not this super dramatic sad thing, and you've had to wear it for long enough you've come to terms with what it announces about you. And it's been a couple of years so you put on the clothes and just get on with your life.
Occasionally you'll catch someone reading the words on the tshirt with a concerned look on their face, or a well intientioned drunk lady at the bar will try to hug you and ask what happened and you'll just be like. Oh yeah. The TShirt. But also you still want to climb and swim and dance and stuff so you just gotta live with this piece of ratty fabric.
I don't know if this is the right way to put it but having healed self harm scars as an adult sometimes feels like you're constantly wearing a tshirt that says "I had a pretty rough time between the ages of 12-17 but I'm doing kind of better now" in giant bold letters on it. And like. There's not very much you can do about it.
And of course you can stop people from having to read it by layering, or obscure the words but life goes on and eventually you need to wear something lighter while going to the gym or you want to go swimming or you're just trying to wear clothes you like and. Well it's a t-shirt. It's fabric. You can't completely ignore it obviously, but its also not this super dramatic sad thing, and you've had to wear it for long enough you've come to terms with what it announces about you. And it's been a couple of years so you put on the clothes and just get on with your life.
I don't know if this is the right way to put it but having healed self harm scars as an adult sometimes feels like you're constantly forced to wear tshirt that says "I was pretty mentally unstable between the ages of 12-17 but I'm doing kind of better now" in giant bold letters on it. And like. There's not very much you can do about it.
imagine if a fuckin……. giant alien just showed up and stuck a huge hand in front of your face and then proceeded to offer you three different houses and wouldn’t stop until you moved out of your old shitty apartment and then helped you fuckin move
i have turned it into a letterboxd list: good films that are free on the internet archive!!!! Each film is linked in the notes on letterboxd. this will be continually updated so it's a good link to save if you want to keep up!
Doechii attends the 2025 Met Gala Celebrating "Superfine: Tailoring Black Style" at Metropolitan Museum of Art on May 05, 2025 in New York City | In Louis Vuitton
Ok, ok, hypothetical. You and your party have sealed the great evil demonlord in an amulet.
You are a canny adventurer, and have heard many a tale of artifacts like these that end in tragedy, either from some corruptive force emanating from them or some dickhead finding where the thing was hidden and breaking the demonlord free.
You're going to be smarter than those chumps. What do you do to safeguard the amulet and keep the evil sealed for good?
This is tricky! There's a lot of unknowns to worry about.
Like... volcano: I'm assuming this amulet is like, a normal amulet-strength amulet, so chucking it into a volcano is just an immediate failstate. The demonlord we can assume is indestructible enough, but not the prison.
Security through obscurity (chuck it in a landfill or bury it somewhere): Man, what if that corruptive force compels some shmuck to come dig it up? You don't know how detectable this thing is.
Deep-sea trench: problematic because the corruptive forces might attract squid or whatever deep-sea creature might be attracted to the amulet. You can't rely on the ocean to be more hostile to amulet-seekers than land. Plus, subduction might happen and take us back to the volcano situation.
Shoot it into space: not really on the table, assuming this is your standard medieval fantasy setting. You can't just waltz down to your local space agency or satellite launching company and say "hey, one-way ticket to Betelgeuse, please". Hypothetically you could engineer some sort of improvised launch solution here using magic??
Though- possible complication for the space option even if it works: how's the demonlord feel about being launched into a star? Is that enough to kill it? Or do we now have a Demon Star coming for us? Probably the amulet melts before falling all the way into the star anyway, and the fucker can just... fly back, I guess. Troublesome.
So- short of a fantasy space program that can figure out a trajectory that guarantees this thing isn't coming back until our own sun has burned out- this thing needs to be supervised.
-
Okay, how's supervising the amulet work? We could try establishing a holy paladin order dedicated to keeping it contained- but holy paladin orders are, despite their whole branding situation, not actually insusceptible to corruption.
This is where the unknowns really bite us. We're just hypothesizing a corruptive force here! We don't actually have any working knowledge of how such a force would operate- the most critical information gap being its maximum range. Given infinite money, you could hypothetically establish a facility to contain the thing, making sure no one gets close enough to be corrupted- but how big would it need to be? You couldn't draw blueprints with safety tolerances for a phenomenon you're just imagining. You need data.
So how do you get the data? That's tricky, too. It necessitates keeping it contained in the short term, which has all the same problems just for less time.
You could... set up a ring of concentric habitats, maybe? Station a hierarchy of guys at some log-scale distances, with outer rings having a way to contain and monitor the inhabitants of inner rings in case they get mind-whammied by a demon amulet. Maintain these habitats long enough to see who gets corrupted and who doesn't, and you've got a measurement of its maximum range.
Except obviously there's a thousand problems with that.
What if the maximum range is bigger than your whole ring of observation stations? You're immediately fucked.
How are you measuring corruption? How is such a metric not immediately a boondoggle of paranoia and popularity contests? Is it even possible to get accurate readings on this phenomenon?
What if the "corruption aura" is some direct exercise of the demonlord's will, and it can intelligently game your metrics or lie low to screw up your data?
Even if the effect is obvious and measurable, how are you keeping it contained? You've got to have people with enough firepower to contain any corrupted subjects inside, but the more rings fall, the more the problem compounds- each successive ring has to be able to go toe-to-toe with all contained rings banding together.
Or with those plus the demonlord, if the subjects on the inside getting exposed to the corruption manage to break whatever physical security you have on the amulet inside.
Even if it's obvious and measurable and you can prevent an outbreak somehow- hey, what're you going to do with all those test subjects you exposed to demon corruption? Do you just have to kill those guys now? Good luck finding anyone willing to volunteer for inner ring duty.
Grab bag of logistical issues funding this whole operation. How're you going to get enough people to volunteer to run this and/or die for it? Holy paladin order again? You don't have one of those on call- you'll have to grow your own. And any plan that starts with "start a cult about it" is inherently pretty volatile.
Obviously trying to obtain this information from scratch is not safe or practical. But is the information out there already?
You're going to need to hit the books. What's this corruptive force you're imagining- is there precedent? Have demonlords done this before? This is a fantasy world- this sort of thing has surely happened before, most likely exactly one thousand years ago (standard procedure for this sort of thing). Information on demonic corruption is available somewhere- but you're a canny adventurer. You are not a history nerd. This is not your wheelhouse.
So you delegate.
Who do you delegate to? You need someone who is intimately familiar with the mechanics of demonic corruption- and preferably, experience surviving and managing its effects. Someone who knows all about what these sorts of things are capable of, and will know what to do to keep them from corrupting them.
You are gonna look up the evilest wizard you can find, you are going to march up to the top of their wizard tower, and you are going to hand the amulet to them.
This is the only way to be safe and responsible in this situation. Trust me.
#something about this really gets to me #how if you get enough dirt on your floor it just becomes the ground #and eventually someone is trying to farm in your living room
