underco.

🍆😍👅💪 Yo. Theodore Puckerman. twenty-three years young. Mechanic.escort I spend most of my days under covers And If anyone asks, you’ve never heard of me, oush my existence from your mind and allow me to revel in anonymity. probably the hottest thing about me is that when I make Mac and cheese, I don’t need to look at the box, because I have the directions memorised.

[gifsbyjules]

┅ What kind of con are you playing?

The con I hate the most – the truth. 

↳ The Originals 2x13 - The Devil is Damned

[ffsfuckerman]

TEXT 📲  EVAN & THEO

Evan: What in the actual fuck, Theo

Evan: Youre asking me for advice? thats touching.

Evan: I mean how expensive is the candle?

Evan: jk.

Evan: bro, Ali is fucking head over heels for your dumb ass. Of course he wants you to propose, but like also get him the candle and maybe some new boxing gloves.

THEO: i may or may not have been high.

THEO: advice?? if that's what you want to call it

THEO: but you wish i was touching you 😗

THEO: 12.50, half price ;) bargain.

THEO: but it's ridged, amber glass, with a cute little lid

THEO: proper decorative, also thinking once we've burned the candle, got a little wax play out of the way, could be proper cute to store condoms in, right?? all fancy

THEO: PROPOSE??

THEO: PROPOSE?? PROPOSE?? PROPSE??? LIKE MARRIAGE??

THEO: OH BABY NO. puckerman do no propose, we're proposed too, and I am waiting for this fine ass man to swipe right, and make me his.

THEO: but so we're clear, we're not in that kind of commitment. we haven't even been on a date?? like what??

THEO: plus we're practically on the rebound, with each other??

[..]

THEO: think I'm going to go with a "redeem when" cause no doubt, he'll fuck up, good thing he's pretty

[idontusethisblogthanks-deactiva]

You‘re annoying

I’m hot as fuck so it doesn’t even matter

[ffsfuckerman]

TEXT 📲  EVAN & THEO

THEO: u know I'm dating Alastair?? RIGHT??

THEO: almost as tol as me?? godlike??

THEO: may or may not have chest hair, that I'm kinda sorta into?? won't be speaking any further on that

THEO: but he's proper fit

[...]

THEO: this is not a brag.

THEO: i'm in need of a service.

THEO: writing my christmas wish list.

THEO: do i put kinsley on it??

THEO: i mean i've bagged, Tobias, and Alastair, I gotta catch 'em all, ya feel?

THEO: what I'm asking is, you've shimmied down him chimney, made him ho ho ho

[..]

THEO: all jokes side, because i'm no longer allowed to voice any attraction to Wilde men who are not my boyfriend, you're basically in a what we define as a 'friendship' with Alastair

THEO: and as his boyfriend of a year, is a candle a sufficient Christmas gift??

THEO: or do I get down on one knee, and make it a white christmas??

[..]

THEO: not talking blowjobs.

THEO: talking a sparkly plastic ring from a 20p gumball machine??

[..]

THEO: 🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿

[ffsfuckerman]

TEXT 📲  CARMEN & THEO

THEO: QUICK. RAPID. FIRE. QUESTION.

THEO: for science

THEO: gun to your head, you gotta take one of your in-laws to pound town, who is it, Jackie or Levi?

THEO: and if you say levi, UR WRONG.

[ffsfuckerman]

TEXT 📲  BETHANY & THEO

THEO: when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in cake form

THEO: it's cake right??

THEO: cAKE!

[ffsfuckerman]

TEXT 📲  JACKIE & THEO

THEO: This is a mass text: so please pass it on to Patrick 🥺🥺

THEO: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabilities Time slots begin at noon

THEO: no make it 4

THEO: Alastair is pencilled in from 12-3 😈😈

[ffsfuckerman]

@ffsfuckerman uploaded a photo to iNSTAGRAM

save a horse, ride a cowboy  🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠

[ffsfuckerman]

Text || Theostair

Ali: Well, damn, babe. Don't ruin it by guessing things that are better than my surprise for you.

Ali: 🥺

Theo: YOU SAID GUESS 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Theo: for every clue given, I will reward you with something sexual 🥺🥺🥺

Theo: or baby, you could just tell me. TELL ME

[ffsfuckerman]

Text || Theostair

Ali: 8?? Fuck you.

Ali: I was just going to tell you, but making you guess sounds like more fun.

Ali: Nope. Guess again.

Theo: wow solid 6.5 right now, WANNA LOOSE MORE LOVE ALASTAIR GIDEON WILDE?

Theo: Nathaniel dressed in nothing but a bow, and I get to unwrap him?

Theo: give me a clue 🥺

[ffsfuckerman]

Text || Theostair

Ali: Tell me how much you love me.

Ali: And I'll tell you why you're about to love me even more than that.

Theo: Gun to my head? like a hard 8, on a good day, usually when you're paying me undivided attention,

Theo: DO I GOTTA GUESS?~?

Theo: is it like a 'one night in paris' WE TALKING the x-rated version, but instead of baris, it's 'one night in Tobias wilde??

[hansxwestergaard]

Do you know of any good inside dog parks around here? I swear I always take Fluffy to the same one. If I take him one more time, he may get too bored and actually disown me. And if he disowns me, I’ll be ugly crying and trust me when I say that no one wants to see that. 

[ffsfuckerman]

Is it still a park, If it’s in doors? what does an in door park actually look like? and do you think I can bring my cows? 

[kncxsmy-archive]

As if it isn’t shoved down our throats enough that the dreaded Christmas season is looming over us unnecessarily early in the year, but they really had to go and place an obnoxiously large and bright Christmas tree right in the centre of the village to further force what, let’s face it, is a capitalism based season at this point, on us. Can we just admit how underrated and over exaggerated a time of year it’s become, and go about our normal lives? Thank you.

[ffsfuckerman]

we get it, SCROOGE! you hate joy and happiness, but screw that, I want gifts. I’ll even settle for you wrapped in a pretty little bow. 

[gradiancasey]

So it’s been a busy few weeks and I’ll apologise now for ignoring anyone and just generally being gone…but in my complete defence, I was having a baby so that’s my excuse and I’m going to stick to it. But he’s here and we’re happy and I’m so in love, it’s ridiculous. I won’t apologise for my gushing so deal with that.

[ffsfuckerman]

UNFORGIVABLE! You’re out here having a baby and abandoning me like this? the cheek, the absolute audacity. and you named him noah?? NOAH gross, when we gonna tell Tobias I’m the baby daddy? 

[ffsfuckerman]

aidanstjames​:

No. If I were flirting, you wouldn’t have to ask.

Ah, so you do have a keeper. What would they think if they heard your filth? 

UH excuse me?? NOT FLIRTING?? look at this face, baby? straight up perfection, I’m a big fish in a very small pond, well the second biggest fish, you met Tobias yet? talk, dark handsome? man of every mans dreams? looks like an adonis without a shirt? wait, where was i? right me, you’re like becoming my least favourite St.James, and Jackie stole my heart, and bedded my best friend, future spouse, love of my life.  

Filth? baby, talk dirty to me. Yes, I have a keeper,  I’m allowed to look, flirt, and all the stuff in between, just not touch, he made that very clear, unless given permission, though I doubt that’ll ever happen, because he knows his boyfriend is the top of that list. 

[ffsfuckerman]

aidanstjames​:

An overgrown child such as yourself must have a keeper. Would you mind telling me who they are? I think you need to be returned to owner. 

Is this flirting?? are you flirting with me, Aidan?? because I’ll have you know, my keeper prefers to be the one kept on a leash, ya feel me?  and I refuse to divulge that kind of information, till you tell me, I’m charming, scrap that, I wanna hear how sexy I am in a thick Scottish accent, preferably while you’re shirtless and under me,

[ffsfuckerman]

kncxsmy​:

[PM]: What if I don’t know the answer to that question?

[PM]: Well, then I guess, my dick is off limits, I would then highly suggest hitting up Alastair, he’s weak, pretty like a doe eyed bambi, but weak for your dumb face, and we both know he’ll buckle the moment you tell him how much you miss him, so go get that dick,