i swear to god, men raising their voice is the most terrifying thing in the whole world. they dont understand, like its an immediate panic response, game over
I actually had no idea women found this so scary
my downstairs neighbors fight on a regular basis, and every time he starts yelling iβm a little afraid heβs going to kill her. i have no reason to think this except that he is a man and he is angry
My math teacher has a loud voice and a temper and he scares the living shit out of me almost everyday. Heβs made me and other kids cry more than once and he and his teacher buddies make a joke out of terrifying students.
this was women in general? i knew my gf didnβt like it but I was unaware if this affected most women
Yes, it does
As a woman, I had no idea it effected other women like this. I was too afraid to even talk about it. I thought I was weak. Thanks for bringing attention to this.
My dad thinks itβs funny that I used to cry when he raised his voice. I freak out whenever some one does. Once my director did, and I started crying I couldnβt stop. Iβm glad to see Iβm not aloneβ¦
This is so importantβ seeing how common this isβ and I also want you all to know that this is not normal. It isnβt something instinctively ingrained into women, to be afraid of men. There is no natural state of men being a threatΒ that women constantly have to be afraid of.Β This is cultural. So many women and girls here have a mutual understanding of this feeling, and I think it really shows an unsettling truth about our society, particularly about how men are raised to act and how so many women have this defensive reaction gradually develop. Itβs so important that these people have their voices heard, because it teaches us about problems that we just canβt deny the existence of any longer.
Iβm glad Iβm not the only one
My fellow men, pay attention. I didnβt realize how scary this could be until one of my exes explained it to me, and itβs heartbreaking.
Also, when we move too much during an argument, or lean forward, itβs scary, and I never knew. I was even a little insulted at first, because surely she didnβt think I would hurt her. But see, that doesnβt matter. It wasnβt a sign that she mistrusted me specifically; itβs a conditioned response. (Although if you keep doing it once you realize it scares her, she SHOULDNβT trust you.)
Not every woman has been physically harmed by a man she trusted, but every woman KNOWS a woman who has.
I used to be horrible about this, because I didnβt realize how intimidating it was. I didnβt understand why the woman I was with clammed up or tried to tell me what she thought I wanted to hear, and I only got angrier, and acted even more like an asshole. It was wrong. It was abusive. It didnβt matter if I INTENDED it that way; it was still emotionally abusive. And it was inexcusable.
I get that when passions are high, and when youβre frustrated, itβs a natural tendency to let your voice get louder, to shout and gesture and lean forward. But you can train yourself to do better. You can train yourself to keep more of an even tone, to refrain from large and fast gestures, to not lean into her personal space. I did. Iβm not perfect at it yet, but goddamn it, I WILL be.
Donβt tell me itβs too hard, that you just canβt do it, or that you βshouldnβt have to.β Iβm 53 years old and just now getting the hang of it, and if this old dog can learn something new, so can you.
Note to guys: It really, REALLY doesnβt matter if youβre thinking, βbut I would neverβ¦β
History is littered with the bodies of women who believed a man βwould never.β This includes women killed by men who honestly, deeply, truly believed they βwould neverββ¦ right up until she said that one thing or moved in just that way and he just got so mad, just that once, and pushed her or punched her or slashed her or shot herβ¦ just once, yβknow, to shut her up, or because she was flinching and didnβt she know that HEβS NOT LIKE THAT and IβLL TEACH HER TO BE AFRAID OF MEβ¦
We are trained, from infancy, that Men With Loud Voices are a source of pain from which we cannot escape, and attempts to escape may result in more pain. And as soon as weβre old enough to comprehend a world broader than our immediate circle, a world that extends into the past and will run into the future, we realize that there is no way, no way at all, to tell which men βwould neverβ and which men βwould neverβ¦ except if.β
We live or die on that βif.β And any man who doesnβt like facing that hyper-vigilance can work on fixing OTHER MEN, not womenβs fear.
The reaction shouldnβt be βnot all men are like that;β it should be βno woman should have to live in fear.β
Itβs telling that so many people will hear a story of long-term abuse and say, βwhy did she stay with him?β and not βwhy did he treat her like that?β
This made me cry.
Donβt skip over this.
Every single time. And it doesnβt matter if the yelling is even directed at me, like a pervious person said, if I hear men yelling in adjacent apartments, at each other, at the TV, Iβm immediately terrified. I hate it and I feel like Iβm over reacting, but my dad punched my sister in the face when she was a teenager, he brutalized my mom for 5 years, and heβs a soft spoken dude, he only ever raised his voice in anger.
If you yell at me, there is a decent chance Iβll just burst into tears. The likelihood goes up if you are male. I hate that reaction, and I have ZERO control over it - courtesy of a shitty childhood.
I hate how much I relate to this thread. It is true. Due to my past it is a learned behavior. When I exhausted or just relaxed, even a fast movement from someone I trust can make me raise my hands in defense. Itβs not intentional. It is in fact irrational. But, so deep rooted that I cannot stop it.
This is REALLY heavy. Like, really really heavy. @thecomicbookj doesnβt get why I βjump inβ when he raises his voice at the dog or our daughter. Even when heβs being completely reasonable and giving a disciplinary conversation, if his voice raises volume at all, I immediately go in the defense and feel Iβve got to βprotectβ them. And donβt even get me started in when he (or other men) raises his voice in my direction.
I really 100% thought I was just anxious and fragile and it was all in my own head. Come to find our all yβall are having this same experience. Jesus.
Yep. Sometimes Super Daddy raises his voice when he gets worked up about something (excited, annoyed/pissed off at someone who isnβt me) and it makes me tense up and go silent. Sometimes I start crying.
Well damn. This hits pretty hard. I am a big man with a loud voice. I did not know this affected my girls like this. Especially since I have had anger issues when I was younger. I took anger management classes for over 5 years. I have never touched any of my girls in anger but I guess I can be a pretty scary guy when I am angry.
I have some more work to do to be a better man. I will start now.
@parskis Thank you so much for sharing this! I am going to be a better man as a direct result of you sharing this. Isnβt that how to change the world? One man at a time. You should be proud of this one. I hope you are in a good place in your life!
For @instructor144βs raised voices anon, hat tip to @daddyandhislittleprincess11102 for helping track it down.
I will always reblog this.
ββ¦ we realize that there is no way, no way at all, to tell which men βwould neverβ and which men βwould neverβ¦ except if.β -@elfwreck
I shall meditate upon this. You should, too.
I am a big man. I am loud. I have spent a long time working on my temper.
I completely understand how that can scare. I do not want to scare.
Thatβs why I continue to work on it. Because I am not equipped to judge when Iβve succeeded.
