Cring

they/them Final Fantasy XIV and Age of Sigmar. Cringe but free.

[frogandtoadpdf]

the best way i can think to describe the experience of reading moby dick is you’re in line at the dmv and this guy behind you very loudly says “well who HASN’T had a gay experience” and then proceeds to tell you every detail about his life in between anecdotes about how great sperm is and how ropes work and sometimes he’ll say the most poetic shit you’ve ever heard in your life and them jump RIGHT back into explaining how a whale is a fish because 1) it swims in water and you’re still only like halfway through the dmv line

[lakevida]

[annelidarchive]

the thing about that weird stuff americans call cheese is that if you heat it a little it becomes an excellent burger condiment despite its failings in every other area. such is the fate of the american cultural product

[lootpuppy-deactivated20260205]

the American 'cheese' slice was engineered by our best scientific minds (all borrowed from Germany ofc) to melt perfectly onto a burger and for nothing else. Its only purpose is to compliment the one true product of the American people. The hamburger. (also borrowed from Germany)

[annelidarchive]

reeling a little at the implication that the Kraft Single was a product of operation paperclip

[foone]

in case you were wondering:

American Cheese is a processed cheese made of Cheddar, Colby, or similar, combined with Sodium citrate. The Sodium citrate keeps the cheese fats from separating during the pasteurization process.

The patent for processing American Cheese was granted in 1916 to James L. Kraft, a Canadian of German descent who had immigrated to the US in 1904. Pasteurizing the cheese prevents it from spoiling, allowing it to be shipped farther and stored longer. It was actually WW1 that gave Kraft (and his company) their big break, as the US government provided cheese (in tins) to the armed forces abroad.

So no, Project Paperclip here, although the US Armed Forces and Germans were involved. His ancestors left Germany for Mennonite reasons, not because they were Nazis.

Fun fact: His parents spelled their last name "Krafft". He dropped one of the Fs when he started J.L. Kraft & Bros. Company, which later became Kraft Foods.

[tiredpinkpanda]

Old men in ch5 be like-

Or what I think would happen

[marian-devotee]

I took my little brother (autistic, mostly non verbal) out and he was using his voice keyboard to tell me something, and this little boy (maybe 4 or 5?) heard him and asked me "Is he a robot??" I tried to explain to him that no, he isn't a robot, he just communicates differently, but my darling brother was in the background max volume "I am robot I am robot I am robot I am robot"

[marian-devotee]

My little brother insisted if I was going to post about him, he wanted a cut of the "profits". When I explained to him that Tumblr isn't monetized, and is pretty pointless, he and my older brother pointed out that he'd still be bringing me "fame and notoriety" if the post got "big". So we agreed, if the post hit 10k notes, which seemed extremely farfetched and silly at the time, I'd take my little brother out for sushi (his favorite food) and let him eat as much as he wants.

I guess God wanted the little robot to enjoy some sushi 🍣 🥲

[thetruerarkher]

[sadclowncentral]

so many misguided metaphors around violence and desire. if the open maw of a panting beast fills you with the want to be devoured, that does not make you prey. while the rabbit trembles in fear, its deepest desire is to run. evolution demands it. in fact, the desire to be eaten does not make you any small animal at all.

it makes you a fruit.

[sumverendus]

[sandpancakecat]

[evilwizard]

warrior who came to me for advice: i just don’t know if i should listen to the telepathic trees, who say i should save the forest, or my adopted wolf mother, who says i should cut it down to build my city. that’s why i came to you… should i go with Psi Ents or Dog Ma?

me: your existence feels fairly contrived

[yffresbeard]

i think it is important to recognize the ways in which your favorite thing sucks. i think it keeps u normal

[rabbithaver]

prev im so sorry to put you on blast like this but please know this had me in hysterics

[valtsv]

sick of hearing about "healing crystals" that "cleanse your mind and body of negative energy" i want to know which rocks can hurt you and fuck up your vibe so bad

[valtsv]

everyone suggesting uranium isn't wrong but anyone who said "literally any rock if you're willing to resort to violence" are the only people who can get on my level. you're hired.

[milfbaitt]

caincore

[valtsv]

okay which fandom that sprung up out of nowhere overnight like mushrooms after rain is this a reference to i can't keep up anymore

[valtsv]

oh you meant like. that guy from the bible who invented murder. right.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

The common refrain of "transmascs will shit themselves when they realise that T is making them look like a man, not an androgynous femboy twink" has always bothered me for two reasons. The more minor reason is that "man (on T)" and "androgynous femboy twink" are pretty obviously not mutually exclusive categories. There are a ton of men (cis and trans) with normal T levels who are androgynes, femboys, and/or twinks. There are people who may not end up looking like that when they are on T, but it is still within the realm of possible outcomes, and if it's what one wants to look like, there are things one can do to get closer to one's goal.

The more major reason I am bothered by this refrain, though, is the fact that people who say "why do transmascs always want to look like androgynous femboy twinks?" use this demeaning tone that indicates they have a low opinion of transmascs, androgynous people, femboys, and twinks. It is said as if transmascs are too stupid to know even the basic facts of what they're doing with their bodies, and as if wanting to be an androgynous, feminine, or visibly queer man/masc is inherently a bad and absurd thing to desire. The principle of "some people say 'twink' when they really mean 'fag'" is on full display here. It becomes more obvious when it's paired with overt transmedicalism, e.g., "Why do these trender wannabe twinks feel the need to tell everybody that they're trans?", or "'Transmascs' who want to be feminine twinks are basically not even trans". I can only conclude from statements like these that they think being a "real man" means not being a feminine twink, and that it is unacceptable and undesirable (for a man/masc) to be visibly queer and/or GNC. Otherwise, this would not be said with such derision. Needless to say, it is not the hill pro-trans people should ever be dying on.

[sexboobomb]

I want to learn more exclamations that aren’t strictly just religious stuff. “Jesus Christ” this, “oh my god” that, nah I want something fresh.

What are some of y’all’s favorite exclamations that aren’t about god?

[sexboobomb]

first submission and we're already off to a fantastic start. absolutely love this one thank you

[sexboobomb]

ok its time for the challenge round now we want nominations that arent about sex either actually

[mbrainspaz]

had a friend who used to make new ones up on the spot. The only one that stuck with me was 'good golly jelly beans'. If something catastrophic happens I go for 'that's not ideal.'

[foldingfittedsheets]

@chekhovs-tantrum

Absolutely not letting you leave these in the tags.

[mydeddyalabama]

what does turkish delight taste like and is it worth the events that occurred in chronicle of narnia: the lion the witch and the wardrobe

[musicalhell]

So the first thing you must understand is that there are two basic types of Turkish delight. The first kind is what most people are familiar with, which are these gelatinous cubes covered in powdered sugar. They are, by most metrics, an acquired taste:

This is usually the stuff people try and say, “Yeah, I don’t get it, Edmund.” But if you go to a good Turkish confectioner (or just any of the bazillion stores that sell it in the Istanbul markets) you’ll see a second kind of Turkish delight, in a rolled shape:

This is the good stuff. The sell-your-soul-and-your-family stuff. It’s nutty and chewy and creamy and comes in all sorts of flavors, and I highly recommend it to anyone. (Especially hazelnut. It’s not a traditional flavor but I’m convinced the White Witch dipped into the future to get some for Edmund, it is that delicious.)

[eruvadhril]

The second thing you need to understand is that the turkish delight was laced with mind-control drugs.

[cameoamalthea]

The third thing you need to understand is Edmond was living under WWII sugar rationing

[vacuously-true]

Hey tumblr friends, in case I haven't told you lately, I have no idea what the FUCK half of you are on about and I WISH I didn't know what the rest of you are on about. Great work. Keep it up.

[nudityandnerdery]

[southfarthing]

[livingmeatloaf]

[ID: first image is a screenshot of Bilbo talking to the hobbits at his birthday party from "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring." The second image is the text of the original post written in a Tolkien elvish script. End ID.]

[spaceshipsandpurpledrank]

[punissuer]

ID / TL;DW: young Black man explains the history of voodoo dolls: they originated in England, where Black people where prohibited from learning to read or write, to help witches keep track of what ailed their patients. Eg., person goes to witch and laments headache, they treat their headache and make a small doll (called "poppet"), trying to represent them as good as possible, stick a needle in its head and put it up a shelf. When they return next week, the witch takes their poppet and asks about their headache. If it's gone, they remove the needle, otherwise they know they have to treat a rather persistent headache.

[tartrazeen]

I'm just gonna freeze-frame this for everybody:

[addemius]

“Excuse me sir, there must be someone you've confused me for"

[thestuffedalligator]

“Incurious” is an incredible thing to call someone. It conveys so much with so little. To be so uninterested with learning or developing an understanding that it’s damning. To fail to feel what a toddler does by instinct.

I sometimes go back to the Dan Olson video about Doug Walker and there’s a bit where he says “Doug wants to be a filmmaker, he wants to make art, but he can't, because he's a fundamentally incurious person who isn't much interested in what other people think or feel and all his ideas boil down to ‘what if Batman met Mario?’” and I know that if this was said about most artists I have met they would wither up on the spot like a dying spider

[parkayquarts]

im not even the type of guy to go "actually it's frankenstein's MONSTER" because a painting by rembrandt or picasso or any other artist is often called "a rembrandt" or "a picasso" as shorthand. so in this respect frankenstein's monster can be considered "a frankenstein"

[parkayquarts]

darling I love your 8 foot tall patchwork flesh creature, it really livens up the place. is that an authentic frankenstein?

[parkayquarts]

it's only a true frankenstein if it was produced in the frankenstein region of switzerland. otherwise it's just a sparkling homunculus

[superdaisypowerhour]

"if i had a time machine i would go back in time and kill hitler"

I would put sea mines around medieval britain. i would give hannibal barca ww2 era heavy artillery and tell him not to stop till he starts seeing gauls. i would give boudica a fucking abrams. i would appear before jesus like an angel and tell him "you gotta stop. not cause theyll kill you, youre fine with that, surprisingly, but because your fanclub is gonna spend about 1500 years making everything worse for everyone, everywhere." I would take a glock back in time and shoot romulus, shoot remus, and shoot that damn dog too just to be safe. i would be on the side of christopher columbus' ship in a scuba suit planting c4 on that bitch like rainbow six siege. i would be waging a one woman campaign of terror across andalusia to prevent the reconquista. i would be getting way out in front of that shit is what im saying,