sometimes i think about my problems with food. the earliest i ever felt uncomfortable in front of a full plate was in fourth grade. i was taller and heavier than the other kids in my class. boys always called me fat and girls told me that they didn't want to hang out with the ugly girl. i would only eat half of my food at every meal.
sixth grade was the year of the "i ate at home" excuse. i would skip breakfast, give away as much of my lunch as possible, eat half of dinner. i was so tired all the time and i got bigger everyday. in my eyes i was getting fatter but really i was just growing up.
seventh grade was adderall and vomit. i would skip every meal and if i had to eat i threw it up right after. i took adderall to keep me awake in school but grew addicted to it. my iron levels stayed low but no one questioned it.
by eighth grade i couldn't eat with someone else in the room. i took to sugar free gum and cutting again. it was hard getting off addy cold turkey but i managed. i hated eating. when i got sent to a facility i puked in the shower instead of washing my hair.
in ninth grade i moved in with my dad. i tried to get better, even got a job with my aunt. she was the first person i told about my problem but she made me feel stupid for my struggles. why can't you just eat? anytime i said i wasn't hungry or declined a beverage in favor of water she accused me of "trying to giving yourself an eating disorder" in a mocking tone.
recently i've been having trouble eating anything and i feel guilty. when i can force something down i feel sick. water makes me gag now too. i want to get better but i have nobody to lean on. i don't have a support system. i'm terrified of telling anyone because what if they react like my aunt? what if they cry and get worried and overwhelming? i just want to eat again.
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