No matter what I do I always end up like this
Miserable
Feeling like I don’t deserve to be here
I don’t want to be here anymore

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@forgottenwordsandsentiments
No matter what I do I always end up like this
Miserable
Feeling like I don’t deserve to be here
I don’t want to be here anymore
today is the day i get out
the day i no longer have to be afraid of what i wear
what i’ll say
or who i’m with
the day i don’t fear verbal retribution
i’m not scared if you anymore
physically the bruises have faded
but mentally i will carry you with me
Leaving is the hardest part
You get used to the insults
The bruises
You think it’s what you deserve
You’re told it what you deserve
So you stay
Because it’s your fault, not theirs
I am capable of loving others
But I am incapable of letting anyone love me
I try not to let what he says get to me
But it is so hard
Hearing everyday how I’m not good enough
How I never will be
I’m at that point again
No one sees it
No one will help me get better again
I’ll just fade into nothing tonight
I found comfort in you
Not because you were good or kind
But because you were mean to me
The same way I was mean to myself
You told me every negative thing I said about myself was true
You made me feel small
And that was comforting
First love is debilitating
It is passion and frenzy
Two souls merging into one
But it comes to an end
As all things do eventually
And suddenly the world is empty again
No love will ever compare
You’re left living a life with someone else
Only memories will remain of your first
You forget
But we must remember
So I guess that makes it okay to you
Since you don’t have to live with that hole in your chest
They say time heals all wounds
That’s not completely true though is it
The worst wounds leave behind scars
And that’s what you did to me
You left behind the scar of broken trust
So that I will never believe a thing you say
Maybe it’s for the best
That scar serves as a reminder
That men lie as easily as they speak
And so in each word I see the scar of a lie once told
You say I don’t know you
Maybe that’s true
If it is I don’t think I want to know you
I wish I could take back what I do know
Time goes on but I will never forgive
Nor forget
So if it is true
And I no longer know you
Please don’t open up to me again
I don’t want to know
I should have left you the second loving you started to feel like more effort than it was worth
I’m old enough now to know what love is
That also means I’ve learned what love is not
Love is not pure nor innocent
It is lies and half truths
Broken promises and things left unsaid
It is a man making you promises
Then never keeping a single one
It’s as simple as a hidden like or follow
A lust you hide from your partner and yourself
I know that this is not love
I’m scared to leave you
You claim to love me
Yet you speak to me like I’m nothing
I’m scared of what you’ll say if I leave
I can barely handle the daily put downs
If i left youd truly hate me
And I don’t want to know what you’d say to someone you’d hate
I used to have dreams of being voiceless
Drowning in the pool, not struggling to breathe, just unable to speak
Staring trying to speak but nothing coming out
Where did that come from
Why was I 12 years old and already voiceless
Love is something to fear
I loved a man once
I loved him innocently and completely
In every second we spent apart I felt his absence
When reunited I was fused to him
I was intoxicated in love
A mess of hands and lips and sadness and self loathing
Sadness and self loathing
For every girl you would message and photo you would like
Hours spent missing you and comparing myself to them
Wondering why I could not be enough to hold your attention
I loved you so completely that I stayed
I cried, I got angry, I got jealous, but I stayed
I stayed until I woke up one morning and realized
Loving you had cost me the love I had for myself
I lost every piece of self identity loving you, trying to be enough for a man who was never satisfied
But this is the world we live in
Filled with men who say they love you, but lust over the image of another
That is why I fear love
You are excatly who I thought you were
How disppointing
Every issue you called an insecurity
Ended up being a premonition
Liar Liar Liar
Another year spent wishing I was anyone else