Talking about Sexual Harassment and Rape, and My Own Experience
I don’t typically form strong opinions on issues, but turns out there’s something I feel strongly about. Recently, a woman was raped and murdered in a park in my city, and the conversation about women’s safety popped up again. Obviously, this is not something that should only be talked about when it comes up. However as the news became known, I decided to talk to someone about it. I mentioned the incident, and that person’s response was
“If it was about a man, there would be no conversation.”
I became frustrated. Firstly, I am aware that men can be raped and sexually assaulted too. I calmly explained to him that I understood that men could be victims too, but the problem was that women experience more rape and sexual assault than men. That is a fact. Furthermore, I wasn’t talking about rape and sexual assault in general. I was talking about women specifically, and the fact that something very real had happened near us. However, it sounded like this person was disregarding this story altogether.
Then that person said, “women get more support than men.”
But that still wasn’t the issue. Yes, men are often overlooked when they are assaulted, and that is something that needs to be addressed as well. But women shouldn’t need this support if they aren’t being harassed or raped in the first place. And just like this time, women are also murdered alongside these terrible things. What “support” would help her when she’s no longer here? Yet all that person could focus on was my attitude because I seemed to have gotten so worked up. I felt that I was calm in my explanations, though I did become increasingly frustrated that they didn’t understand. I will say I can understand that it’s difficult to empathise with someone when you can’t understand what they’ve gone through. But to me, it really sounded like that person wasn’t even trying.
If they brought up the issue of men being sexually harassed and raped, how would that person have felt if I had turned the topic to women’s suffering instead? Maybe then they would understand my reaction.
While I haven’t been raped or sexually assaulted, I did experience something that was mainly, if not solely, because I was female. When I was in high school, during one of my study blocks, I befriended a boy who I had always seen as charismatic and friendly. He was nice and easy to talk to, so I never thought anything bad about him. Slowly, however, it began to change. I don’t know when it started, but he would try to invade my personal space, trying to hug me, making me very uncomfortable. He very clearly ignored my feelings when I told him to stop. Then he told me how he and another boy we knew had planned how they would rape me, but just as a joke. I laughed it off, but only because I refused to believe he was serious. The final straw was when he sent me a message, asking if some amount of money was enough to let him finger me. I blocked him immediately. He knew where I lived, so I was scared to leave my house, but I was far more afraid of him. I shouldn’t have let it escalate to the point that I was fearing for my safety, but I don’t understand why he changed. I still don’t.
That old sayings “boys will be boys” or that we “were just kids” is unacceptable. It’s never acceptable for a boy to bully or harass anyone, regardless of age. I never wore anything provocative around him, I never flirted with him, I never led him on. Yet he came to treat me like that. But even if I did, untinetionally or not, would that justify his behaviour? Why do women have to be afraid when they didn’t do anything wrong?
Yes, sexual harassment affects people regardless of gender, and yes, there needs to be more attention on male victims. But it’s like changing #blacklivesmatter to #alllivesmatter after a hate crime. Yes, all lives matter, but it isn’t what you should be focusing on.
