listen, i need to tell you something and I need you to promise to let me finish, it's long, i know, but if I don't say all of it now I don't know if I will be able to ever tell you. and I need you to know this. I need you to listen about it from me. I need you to hear me. and I know i am actually asking for a lot but i am still asking you, please, listen before you say anything.
everytime I'm hurt you tell me you love me, when i said I wanted to die you told me you loved me. you always say it after a fight, you always come back saying I love you instead of apologizing. i hate it. i don't know how to tell you that. you leave me no choice but this, making it into a big moment so that I can have your attention for a little while. but that's besides the point, i wanted to tell you about me and about you. yes, the subject you supposably know a lot about, after all, i am "your kid", right? well, yes, but not how you expect or think. that's why I'm starting this by saying that when you say, full chested, watery eyed, i love you, you are in fact not saying it to me, you are saying it to the person um you expect me to be and that you believe I am. I wish I could be that. i wish, i truly do, i could be all you wanted, i, however, am not. I wanted to apologize for it but i convinced myself I shouldn't. i convinced myself I can't apologize for being me. but i am sorry, and very sorry, that I'm not as good as that, as straight as that, as cis as that, as serious as that, as respectable as that, as lovable as that, as sweet as that, as much like you as that. but i need you to know, when you say "i love you" you are not saying it to me, you are saying it to an image you created, a perfectly made illusion, the result of all you wanted me to become. I am already okay with all that, it hurts, but i accepted the reality as it is. so, please, think about who you love and why you love them. think about me and realize I may not be who you wanted but i still am your kid and I still need your help. i am eighteen, i am barely an adult, i don't know shit about life, you were supposed to be there for me, to help me, to teach me life, not to make it harder, to make me gate myself. i know you don't mean it but you are just making me hate every part of me. I love you but this has become unsustainable, it is too much, i can't do it. either you help me or I'm leaving, i can't deal with being treated like this. i don't know shit, i don't have money to keep myself above water, i don't know where I'd live, i don't know. but anything is better than having my own mother look at me and go "you are not who you believe because that is impossible". there's a third option but i don't think I have to metion it, you know what it is. I would hate to do so as I know how bad it fucking hurts but i need to protect myself.
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amandla
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