Fumiku, Fuu, Frey, Fumes, I am a person of many nicknames and even more hyperfixations. @fuumiku for my art tumblr, for fics my ao3 is Fumiku. This blog's a place for my thoughts so I don't have to feel silly every time I wanna post smth, nowadays it's becoming my overanalysis corner. "My favorite Dungeon Meshi character is Laios" 👈 posts about Chilchuck 24/7
Is there an archive for all of your analysis? I want to read them in order 🙇♀️
I was gonna say yes and link you to the in-built tumblr blog archive with my tag ‘analysis’ but then I remembered I tag inconsistently. Oops! So here is a huh, attempt. Chronological order is less important imo than topic but for what it’s worth these go from oldest on the left to newest on the right. This got too much for Tumblr to handle so unfortunately I have to split between reblogs.
This is all for Dunmeshi because I haven’t done nearly as many analyses for anything else. My older ones tend to be less polished, I’ll put my most important or favorite ones in bold.
Many of this contain spoilers so for that be careful and refer to individual posts’ tags.
Compilations: Marcille’s smile to Laios - Izu dad Chilchuck - Laios bragging faces - Teasing Marcille gone wrong - Chilchuck drunk/drinking - Chilchuck being crass - Chilchuck hugs (incomplete) - Kaka - Hien & Benichidori - Marcille & Chilchuck worsties (incomplete) - Chilchuck old man posture (incomplete) - Chilchuck's type 🤨 (incomplete) - Chilchuck wristwatch - Helki - Marcille and Chilchuck parenting Izutsumi - Marcille in elven dresses
LAIOS: Succubus scene analysis - Laios-Shuro fight analysis - Izu-Laios relationship analysis - autism & the nonhuman - Laios' nightmare aka autistic existential horror - Laios and chimeras
MARCILLE: Mothers & mom friend Marcille - Chil & Marcille contrasts & parallels - love languages - Marcille and separation - Marcille's view of Chilchuck - Marcille and romance - Marcille and being a burden - Marcille and insecurity - Marcille's dunlord dress / tldr - Dark elves - The fantasy of prince charming and idealization vs pessimism
CHILCHUCK: Chil’s sense of humor - Chil & Marcille contrasts & parallels - love languages - Chilchuck is underweight - Chilchuck’s family masterpost - Chil’s wife’s appearance - Chilchuck character analysis speedrun - Ask: Chil & wife and change - Ask: Chilchuck, good husband? - Chilchuck’s succubus - the importance of law - getting hired & job description - Chil's buckle shirt & wardrobe - Chilchuck, family & alcoholism - Chilchuck & guilt - Chilchuck and drinking: when and how - Korean QnA observations & wedding question - Is Chilchuck misogynistic? - Chilchuck’s nightmare - his wife as his succubus? - Dungeon lord Chilchuck - Chilchuck's arc and closure
FALIN: fairy’s child parallels - short Falin analysis - Falin who cares too much and too little - Thistle & Falin - Trans Falin - more & shorter Thistle & Falin
TOSHIRO: Nakamoto household masterpost - Toshiro likes bugs + Falin relevance - Toshiro’s succubus - Trans Toshiro (and Falin) - parallels to Kuro and Forva - Toshiro's nightmare
(other characters in reblog)
Marcille & Chilchuck: marchil crumbs - contrasts & parallels (not ship) - Taking care of each other sick - Marcille & Chil’s daughters - their love languages (ship but analytical focus) - pre-canon dynamic (not ship) - astrology (ship & short) - Chilchuck's type 🤨 - waxing poetic (good summary) - marchil from Marcille's end - Marcille and romance - marchil & stability - Marchil braids - Red dress crumb evaluation - even if he loved me he would never say it - Marcille and Chilchuck balancing each other - the immortal x mortal dynamic - Arc analysis - The fantasy of prince charming and idealization vs pessimism + drowning excerpt
Other characters: Lycion’s dysmorphia + follow-up on his past addiction - Kaka compilation - Chil’s daughters & party brotps - Nakamoto household masterpost (every related character including Toshiro's family members) - Hien’s younger sister - unnamed buzzcut gold-stripper - Dandan - a Hien reading - Yaad & Thistle - Chil's daughters and marriage - Helki - unnamed canary with eye tattoo - Kuro parallels - Mickbell & Kuro’s store - Rin, smiling and nagging - Kuro & Mickbell analysis - more Mickbell & Rin thoughts - Hien vs Falin and Toshiro & Hien loving ideas of people - Kabru & Rin relationship analysis
Gen: Reactions to the dark magic resurrection
Lore: Why did Falin see WL (theory) - Magic, desires & funnels (theory?) - beastkin tattoos - succubi vs demons - half-foots and marriage - beauty standards + dark elves - on the theme of human connections - ancient war & demon timeline
Rarepair pitches: Thistle rarepairs, mithrun x marcille, laios x lycion - Hien x Benichidori - cithadela (formal one to come) - Fleki x Marcille - Laios x Namari (I don’t ship, neutral take) - Mickbell x Rin - Thistle & Falin - Namari x Falin - Hien x unnamed canary - Kabru x Holm - Mickbell x Chilchuck (I don’t ship, neutral take) - Toshiro’s mom x Maizuru - Dandan x Asivia - kurokabu - kabushuro
Misc/short observations: Laios messing up Falin’s hair - gen themes - christian imagery, Falin as a vessel, Dunmeshi & Paprika - found family & Izutsumi - Maizuru cleaning up Toshiro - Marci & Chil matching pouches origins - Chilchuck smokes - ao3 stats when Dunmeshi hit 1k fics - Does Senshi ever laugh - marchil love loses random comp - Lycion wearing a shirt - Chil and letting people drown?? - Chilchuck's succubus bites - Chilchuck pov of Thistle-Marcille fight - Laios’ curse - Mickbell about Rin - Touden parents contrast - Fleki & social class by region and culture
Headcanons & thoughts: Post-canon Chilchuck & Izu, marchil rambling, Howl’s Moving Castle AU (marchil) - half-foot names - song lyrics for Chilchuck (and wife and marchil) - marchil ship nicknames + pt 2 - party eating misc monsters - Marcille and Chilchuck flower symbolism - Characters and plants symbolism - Chilchuck, family & alcoholism - songs for Chilchuck deluxe - Mickbell and Laios dogboys - How would the canaries treat Marcille as a coworker? - modern au Marcille - Mickbell and Kuro against the world - Kabrin with the context of the incubus
Web weavings: Dungeon food (Laios & WL) - Changeling (Falin), Monsters and Ghosts (Laios & Falin) - The Winged Lion (mini) - Leaving (Chilchuck & his wife) - Out of touch, out of time (Marcille x Chilchuck) - Homegrown (Thistle) - Canines (Mickbell & Kuro) - Dad always said I was like him (Chilchuck & Meijack) - god of death (Marcille & Chilchuck, mini) - Chimera (Laios, mini)
Memes: Dunmeshi meme dumps (rest of the parts are linked on the post), for the rest I recommend simply browsing my ‘dunmeshi memes’ tag either here (blog archive) or here (blog tag).
Featured:
I’ve alluded to Marcille and Chilchuck being central to each other’s arcs so many times but the proper full analysis has been long overdue.
Will occasionally edit in new ones and keep this roughly updated.
Sometimes I talk about fic ideas on this blog, but usually I post (and reblog) fic stuff on my writing blog @fumiku instead, and for my fics here’s my ao3 Fumiku! I also uphold @feedmarchil, and I often do fanart at @fuumiku.
I also made posts (1) (2) detailling some of my upcoming analysis wips, though they can be outdated.
Also shouting out my kofi, jic anyone wants to send a tip my way
I've wanted to make a Tsuritama itabag since forever, and last summer I finally got to! Ironically, the bag itself arrived from mail smelling like… smoked fish… lol… I assume it got kept close to fish either in a warehouse or while shipping, so I wanted to air it out before wearing, and now we're here! It's here!! It smells fresh!! With an appropriate amount of fishiness fitting of the Enoshima coastline~
Everything is official merch EXCEPT the centerpiece, a lovely charm by @hachibani you can see here and here.
The badge in the down right corner is from Choboto LOVE by ちょぼらうにょぽみ.
And the shirt is by Wise DS~
Itabag is from コアデ, I've always dreamed of finding the perfect fish/ocean themed itabag though, maybe one day~! I'll upgrade in size too 💙
Going with or against the currents: the Leech family
There's a saying I know where if two kids have an alcoholic parent, one will grow in their footsteps and become an alcoholic themselves while the other will grow to never drink a drop of alcohol in their life.
Similarly, you could say that when raised under pressure, one child will conform to expectations and seek to embody those as strictly as they were taught, and the other will rebel and grow an aversion to rules and responsibilities instead. Take a wild guess which of these Jade and Floyd respectively grew into.
So then the question becomes, can you fully escape emulating your parents? Can you escape wanting their approval?
Welcome to my Jade yap part 2. The optional less topic-focused part 1 is here. First one was more of a defense of Jade's POV and humanity somewhat, analyzing his wants and his lack of relationships, and how he's often automatically villified in most characters' eyes no matter how innocent the situation. This one is to dig into the Leech's family dynamics. So let's, shall we.
Trials of Rowmance revealed several things about Jade and how he grew up to become like he is in frankly heartwrenching details. Neglect fucked up Leona royally (badumtss) and it messed with Jade as well, it seems. In this event we're shown that pressure and expectations are a cocktail the brothers are familiar with. CW for talk of parental neglect and corporal punishment.
Marked highlight is kid Jade going missing for 3 days & being punished for it and Riddle arguing the punishment should have been more severe actually <- they do not have sane parents this is a Georgina callout post
In my Jade yap part 1 I went into how Jade is friendless. But it's interesting that, with this last line... He's posturing to his mom as if he has a lot. It's something that'll come back a couple of times.
Georgina seems genuine when saying this below, so then, does Jade really talk about his classmates to his parents, trying to give a report like "we are very well integrated and my social life is thriving and all is well"?
Because, it sounds like he complimented Riddle with how she says that. "He's lucky to have someone like you in his life"? In his classes sometimes, yeah 😭
He is masking all day every day and even the people closest to him aren't fully allowed into knowing him. How lonesome he makes himself… Show anyone he's having issues? Not for him thank you.
That was my first impression at least, but as we go on it'll become apparent that pressure, expectations and achievements are a recurring theme with this family... As well as emotional distance. This hometown event is very interesting because for as much as Jade is a complex puzzle as a person, it can be so, so easy to see how he became the way he is. Him and Floyd both.
It's also a recurring thing I've chosen not to compile for space concerns, that Georgina worries for her sons and their adapting to NRC. Asking about if they have friends is just one, but are they integrating well? Are they causing trouble? Are their friends good ones? We see her probe about these, both on screen and have it implied offscreen.
But lastly on the faking having friends bit, have exhibit 60 of Jade envying others' closeness. It's interesting, especially since it's the first time he brings this up! He loves matching with Floyd he loves cute things and shows of closeness but lowkey whenever he tries to be cute or say something sweet people think it's creepy or suspicious so rip lol.
On the topic of him being oh so not creepy... Odd place to start I suppose, but reading the event it keeps being hammered in how literally Jade is a sadist. It's a recurring point in events and vignettes and the main story, he loves expressions of fear he loves seeing people in discomfort he implies it often enough plainly enough that okay yeah he just enjoys it for one reason or another.
So yeah he's into sadism and humiliation he loves seeing people humiliated, including wanting to see Riddle and Malleus capsize at the wedding. And trying to see Jack in compromising clothes/situations at the start of Playful Land (unless you believe he was being 100% genuine with it as I do) lmao
And that made me think about how… often a troublemaker child will misbehave for attention, right. There's something here I think maybe- Misbehaving as a kid, maybe even liking being scolded as a kid because if it grabs parents' attention then it's attention... And liking humiliation now.
But that theory got dashed with Jade's vignette as we'll see later on- no matter how many nights Jade stayed away from home without warning his mother would not blink twice or care, and he was a teacher's pet. If and when he did misbehave, it was in fighting with Floyd at home or beating up that sturgeon fish before middle school. Who knows what they got up to away from the eyes of people who could hold them accountable- phrasing it this way, because as we'll see later there's a marked rule in their family that you can do whatever you want, as long as it doesn't affect the family's reputation, say, by doing things at school where it'll get back to his parents.
In that way, NRC is an unprecedented amount of freedom, because Jade is the one to report back on what happens there and every time he goes with "Nothing. Everything is perfectly in order and everyone loves us", which could be part of why they misbehave so openly.
Of course, when he's doing the humiliating it's the feeling of control over someone else that's the appeal, reaffirming his feeling of competence in general i believe (which is where he gets self-esteem from), for example by knowing things about them and where to hit- and then when being humiliated it's the feeling of being put under a microscope yourself… It's a cutting kind of close attention being paid to you... Scary yet thrilling. Being understood the way he seeks to understand mushrooms. He wants people to call him out on his bullshit soooo baddd he loves doing his little tongue slips he wants the chase he wants someone to call him shady and shifty so he can giggle about it- Ahem.
But so wondering about it I was thinking, he's insecure about fucking up and being incompetent, right. We'll talk about it here too but I also go into it in Jade Yap part 1. So it could be both out of a little of resentment and as a way to make himself feel superior (hence the smiling and giggling and malicious frowning happy faces) that he enjoys watching other people fuck up/look improper/make a fool of themselves or make them do it. Because others are shaming themselves while he remains so in control and spotless.
An "ahh I am okay, others are fucking up way more than me so I'm leagues ahead, I'm untouchable" coping kind of thing. Like when people bully others that they're jealous of! He envies them for having the freedom of being sloppy, but he feels superior because he has high standards too and it's just this mess of an animosity cocktail.
Floyd gets to be sloppy because he's also a prodigy, so Jade can't scold him even though Jade has to work hard to be talented AND neat-, but everyone else? Free game.
Put a pin in this for now. The power dynamics of embarrassing others. Attacking others' image and how having your own reputation touched, for example by failing expectations, is a great slight.
But (thankfully?) the siblings are allowed to have a fistfight once in a while- Pfft remember Jade's dream? Ouch Floyd was insulted about his double, but also do note again the way that Jade clings to the feeling of being needed by azul and floyd as 'the competent one', hence why he also likes to think of himself as smarter than Floyd...
Twstnote.com / Yuurei20 phrases it as "This, combined with dream-Azul referring to him as a “precious subordinate” and dream-Floyd telling him to never go anywhere again, successfully awakens Jade." which is particularly cutting and sad like damn okay.
His own flawless competence isn't just how he gets to feel good about himself it's also lowkey the only thing he thinks others like about him, the only reason they need him around the only reason they'd keep him around. Funny how in the Rowmance event Jade is the tour guide, isn't it? And how the others, mostly Riddle, keep seeing deceit and danger in every little action he does- In a way, Jade is often right about this- many peope WOULD avoid him if it wasn't for his skills and knowledge being needed, the same way that people flock to Azul for his services too. Relationships are very transactional to him. I wonder who taught him this.
Lmao Jade is one of many who have Floyd abandonment issues. After all, whims aside... Jade, not unlike with working to get skills that Floyd gets intuitively, has to keep up with Floyd or get left behind. Is what he thinks, at least... They have to fight to get their parents' atention and recognition, after all, more on that later. Floyd's learned not to care too much for it, settle for going without as if he never wanted it anyways, the way he probably learned to after being a prodigy at anything and it never really being enough. But Jade very much still does- at least superficially, he postures as the perfect student and the perfect, capable son that won't let you down. Jade, for who things don't come perfectly right away, Jade who practices everything and perfects potionology and tea formulas. Jade who still has hopes he can earn love by being competent enough. One day the family will need him to step up and it's by being capable that he'll be respected, and kept around. All "I will rise to your expectations on the Frever Float", meanwhile Floyd decided to skip out on the whole thing after a couple seconds really thinking about what going will entail- The pressure and responsibility of it, maybe, the eyes constantly calculating how he's been doing and how well he's performing and behaving at school.
All for the sake of this rare kind of moment:
But I'm getting ahead of myself...
I definitely think all we're saying is more subconscious rather than something he's aware of, Jade has a grind to be on he can't process his insecurities he has a job so he drc about it rn.
I do like that they very much are brothers, hidden or not so hidden Jade resentment or not Floyd complaining or not, they are close.
Jade also covered for Floyd… In a similar way as smoothly lying that his classmates are besties of his, he doesn't think twice to give Floyd an elegant out.
Floyd has an attachment style easy to misunderstand as "he doesn't care about anyone" but he's just a guy. He's vibiiing~ he has his pookies dear to him. In a rather sweet way, the reason he isn't pressed to go see his mom with Jade on this event and all is because he knows they'd take him back anytime he wanted anyways~ he doesn't have to grab opportunities, he'll do it when he feels like it and that's ok. They like him and will welcome him with open arms no questions asked.
Ironic then that Jade is the very reverse- Jade always has something to prove. Eager to go to prove that his work and his state is irreproachable, so the family might value him more- and not be left, perhaps because they already have a prodigious son and don't need a lesser one. If Jade can't be the sibling that's prodigious, he'll be the one that's present, if nothing else.
Although, I do think that Floyd not wanting to see his mom also hints at how he doesn't... Well, that he doesn't want to see her is quite literally what happens but. That hanging out with his fam isn't the best yk. Like I theorized just a bit ago.
But even so I think this event was such a perfect encapsulation of Jade. Is he always being a little two faced? Sure, but he's also just vibing enjoying the fresh air man, HE'S HANGING OUUUT!!! IT WAS HIS FIRST TIME GOING TO THE SEAGLASS PARK TOOO HE SAID HE WAS EXCITED FOR IIITTT!! He gets to have classmates come along with him on a nice friendly outing and show them around because he's the one with local experience so he's more in his element and they all came along with hiiiimmm yattaaa~ Malleus gets to be invited somewhere but Jade gets to have his invite accepted… People usually do not want to hang out with him... He had to twist some arms and target weak spots… There shall be a buffet!!! C'mon c'mon, come!!!
Here he just shared an anecdote of his past struggles with walking and asking people if they want todance because he wants to himself, he's being so earnest right now, I weep...
I love how so much of this event is Jade resisting his impulses and being like "oh it would be such a shame if you tripped onto your face rn" but then holding everyone's hands nicely and getting them out of problems expertly with one of his many plans. Like with rowboat practice! Or Grim not paying for the restaurant. But yes they can race to the bench and see who comes in first, as a treat. He will not rise above Grim lol. Everyone must now put on a play spontaneously because he wants to see it- I mean, to have the complete Ultramarine City cultural experience, yes yes.
He's so happy he's smiling so much he's in his little raptor hands pose all the time. He got to act his age, he got to have a great day out on the town and do normal activities! BARKING BECAUSE HE'S DEDICATED TO THE ARTS!!!
Jade practices everything. He learned to bark to put on better puppet shows. There are no dogs underwater, he barely knows what a dog looks like. Think about that.
He's such a curious guy he was so hyped the first time he saw a dog he was so hyped about barrels... Humble hardoworking Jade... He is full of himself but hehe mayhaps he's earned it a tiny bit
But on the other hand, being a fitting event for Jade wise... The event goes into worldbuilding for Coral City of course and we learn there's an especially strong sentiment against deception there, to the point that materials imitating the look of another kind are borderline forbidden. Seagulls are seen as and praised to be some hero that unmasks deception, because of how in The Little Mermaid Scuttle undoes Ursula's disguise.
Masking to be accepted socially but that itself being seen as a sin, my favorite. Not to go overboard but personally there's always a like…. survival facet to masking. Humans are social animals, if you weren't born with vibes that people like, you have to learn to make them be to fit in, to not be left at the outer edges of the pack for the predators to snatch. To not be deemed a changeling child, a fairy's kid that needs to be purged and killed, because it's not really human, their looks deceive, they're only pretending to be your child, the fairies stole them long ago.
Craft your vibes to be accepted, like a potion recipe you could say, or like figuring out what makes mushrooms tick, or how to brew the perfect tea.
So to know deception has a strong stigma in a place that Jade often visited at the least… And the place where mermaids learn to be landwellers. Interesting.
And I think... This sentiment is sort of what i was getting at in my part 1 in a clumsy way, this theme: is something truer because it comes naturally to you? Is a skill cheaper if you had to practice it? At what point does deception stop being harmful? Was the scorpion always doomed to sting?? Is what we're born with the truest thing about us? Because Jade isn't open the way Floyd is, doesn't do things great first try the way Floyd does: does this make him lesser? That's what he's afraid of.
Jade packages himself very deliberately, the spotless normal polite butler who's not creepy or weird until he opens his mouth. It doesn't work. He starts out invisible, and once he shows himself he becomes too much. In this way he works like his UM does: he can surprise someone once and get something out of it, but once they know his tricks he's lost that person's trust forever.
Some would call any instance of him trying to appear friendly as deception. You could call him a cheap imitation of his mother, or a waste of efforts next to his brother. He has to get his feeling of control where he can, and it's by badly tailoring his own image but at least it's the one thing he was taught.
And thus... The elephant in the room, what my opening image to the post was getting at: Jade is a lot like his mother.
I did notice earlier how his pajamas are reminiscent of the suit Georgina wears, in color and pattern… He really did grow up emulating her I believe.
Cute eel graphic t-shirts aren't allowed, as per Azul's orders, but he does know how to dress proper: he's seen mom do it. He knows how to get people to respect him: people respect mom. So dress like her, act like her, speak like her, emote like her, look like her.
he decided to take someone successful in his life as role model aka mommy dearest to become successful and respected himself, and as the problem child i feel like there's sooo much to dig at there. Hence why Jade's pajamas having some similarities with georgina's dress and Jade being disallowed by Azul to wear a cute shirt sent me on a tangent gdbdg
As I linked near the start of the post, Jade does say he has a hard time picking casual clothes for himself in his bonbonnière card. Alongside the way Jade and Georgina talk to each other, I feel like this is potnetially another hint that his family environment is rather formal. He can emulate his mom all he wants- but if she never wears casual clothes then what should he do? He's learned how to dance the dance with social mind games in formal settings with tongue in cheek threats, but for casual friendships, what does socializing look like then?
He even praises the outfit she picked out for him for the wedding- but is it really that she knows his tastes, or did he mold himself to hers? The way that he does with expectations, the way that he tries to move like her. Jade says that mermen don't really wear clothes and that's why he's bad at picking clothes, but this definitely doesn't feel like the first time this happens, and then, when the boys would go along with their parents on land for business or events, how often did she pick out their suits then? Floyd doesn't like wearing them properly, prefers a loose tie and open collar... Your parent picking out your clothes for you can be something very stunting or even traumatizing. Jade is bad at self-expression, and I do think this stifling environment played part in it.
Small tangent but you can skip the paragraph if you want. Another fun fact I'll mention is that wearing all-black, having an all-black or monochrome closet, can be a sign of autism. Funny isn't it? I must confess I'm part of the statistic on this one lol. Fashion is a social language, in a similar way that gender is. It depends on how you want to be seen and what you feel represents you, and the traits associated that make people sort you into a vibe categorization, and thus you become a jock prep, or an emo goth. You become "cool", or you become a must-avoid. So fashion becomes a way to find likeminded people and belonging or identitary self-fulfillment, and clothes become a currency of charisma. Dressing well for the occasion requires great social perception skills, anticipating the expectations of others for how you should dress and behave. But the rules are made up and arbitrary, intuitive to most by growing up soaking in everything. So then, is it a surprise that the condition that makes you lack understanding of social rules also makes your choices odd? By the end of elementary school, I was still throwing my clothes on for the day because I liked my bright red pants and my bright teal t-shirt. Mayhaps similarly to how Jade picked his (mushroom-like?) polkadot suit, or the purple and yellow one. But it's not like we have no perception at all.
On- This is deep Fumi lore lol but as a kid I played on Habbo Hotel right, where you go from room to room hitting up conversations with strangers. The aesthetic and vibes emulate real life, I'd honestly call it close to being at a party experience lol. I played for a good while with my avatar having bright purple hair and a neon green hoodie and didn't really fit in, shocking. But one day, I don't remember why maybe it was my edgy or seeing popular players' avatars, but I changed my character to be monochrome. Her hair became black and her clothes became two-tone, black and white, and I switched my pants for a miniskirt. And then people started hitting me up, I'd get randos flirt with me or send a friend request. So when I reached highschool not long after, I switched my whole wardrobe to black and white. At least when I still got bullied some, it wasn't about my clothes clashing gdbdg.
Of course, that doesn't mean Jade is autistic. Again, his lack of understanding land social rules in fashion is because he didn't grow up in them. To break fashion rules with style, typically you must first understand them. But this is interesting insight, isn't it?
So like... Clothes are a show of status and play a complex role in social perception, right, and as thus wearing a suit and going along the codes for proper formal manners can be used as a token you can trade to be humanized, or respected. "I am a normal trustworthy respectable man, I mean, look at my suit!" tapdancing monkey except it's with high class social etiquette type of masking.
Prototype Jade being punk does feel like it might give my theory of him wearing fancy clothes not out of particular fondness an extra point. Jade can be seen as rather... repressed, depending on how you look at him.
AND THEN!!! I love Jade's freaky ass scowl like when he raises his eyebrows as if out of concern or to soften his overall expression…
Excepts that it doesn't soften it at all, does it? Honestly, it looks even stiff. We even see a little frown wrinkle line- it looks uncomfortable. Usually looks out of place, too. So it got me wondering, maybe either he forces it or it's something he does to suppress other facial emotions.
And mystery solved- it's something he got from his mom too.
And we knew that from a glance, but I want to point out how much more natural and relaxed Georgina's eyebrows and overall expression look. Somewhat unsettling, yes, but it doesn't look nearly as forced and exaggerated. He's trying to mimic and he doesn't quite have that down yet. it makes him look freakier gdgdg, but he's trying… Adopting all of mama's mannerisms and trying to represent her well and bring back his achievements home that he totally has made friends at school he's popular don't worry about him, with the angle that he's being prepared for/shooting for taking over the family business...
HEEE SUUUCKKSSSS HE PRACTICES SO MUCH BUT HE STILL SUCKSSS HE'S TRYING SO HARD BUT JADE YOU DO NOT LOOK TRUSTWORTHY RN...
Even just the way they both hold their hands over their chest while speaking sometimes, or the way they both tuck their hands in front of them... And again there, I would personally say Jade's mannerisms feel more stiff and forced. In a similar fashion of how Jade's tongue slips and fake tones feel much less expert and purposeful than Georgina's carefully picked words and expressions. Jade is a mini Georgina but he's not her- he's just trying to be, and they have a vast difference in years of experience. Jade is going through his mother's closet trying out her high heels without knowing how to walk in them.
Heavy theory territory perhaps, but it struck me reading the event that maybe Jade is… expected to take over his father's business. Which could be a big part of why Jade tries so hard to… be like he is lol, practicing to be good at everything and knowing perfect etiquette, even suppressing his more mischievous silly easygoing side often, and caring about reputation and image. Then I wonder when he started thinking about it. If it's something the parents reminded or implied to the boys a lot or if it was a very natural gradual thing, "Oh heirdom, of course." Because also... Thinking about it in that case the brothers really would be competing to be the heir- except that Floyd likely doesn't care of course. Unless dad notices Floyd's natural talent and likes what he sees, anyways… But Jade getting the heirdom over Floyd would be a win for his insecurities thinking of it that way.
To support this vibe, there's a lot of moments of Jade saying he'll rise to expectations, will not let the event down very confidently, and Georgina goads him from the side with that smile of hers. Normally it would be his parents' duty to organize this but Jade has been allowed to take over this once, like he's always wanted- one duty passed down already. Georgina makes sure to remind Jade how much of their reputation is riding on the float's success early into the event.
I wish I could make a better compilation collage but this post is a sauropod long already so source just trust me bro/scour the event. I'll make you proud mom, I'll do the family name justice. As he says in his level up line, "Much obliged. I'll do everything in my power to meet your expectations." As he says after the float, "what a rush, i mean relief, that I could carry out my role."
Again he's literally preparing and managing a very affluent event on behalf of his parents. Could explain part of why he didn't really argue back at all with floyd about him ditching this too. He is gaining reliability points with the fam…
Hell, even his groovy line is about proving himself beyond Floyd.
And he does need the points, because... Your mom making it a point to call out how you were bad at something once and embarrassing you in front of your friends moment.
Look at how easily and casually she does this, and Jade keeping on the polite formalities- whether he's truly offended unsure. But imagine your mom doing this on the regular, or even pointing it out when alone- Oh, you used to be so bad at this! You can never outrun the struggles you had in public when starting out, reputation and public knowledge is forever. She teaches that rather directly here- and interesting then that his brother is someone who doesn't struggle from the get-go, no? No matter how good you get, how bad you once were will always come up and that's what people will compare your achievements to. It's a compliment, but it's also an insult in the unsaid, one that people around can easily pick up the implication of.
It peeves me, "it's embarrassing to have you point it out" ms Leech why did you have to frame a compliment at how good Jade is at something by telling him how bad he used to be at it?
Like if this is common then no wonder Jade likes to seem in control skilled at everything seamless and polished no creases in his suit, he practices yes but to get where people can't see that you struggled once.
And you know still I'm struck at how… performative their interactions feel? Obviously there are others not of the family around so that likely doesn't help, but doesn't their way of speaking and interacting feel pretty distant? Like he has to keep putting up a front even in front of her, and she offers him conditional gestures of affection in turn. The coldness of it reminds me a bit of Gothel vibes, or maybe i just have her on the mind haha, buy ykwim…? Just, they seem to have this sorta disconnect from feelings where they still have to veil sincerity and feelings under proper behavior, exhanging formalities and polite faces. This gets some support soon later.
HE MENTIONS HE PRACTICED HIS SIMPLE SLICKED BACK HAIRSTYLE!! He practices everything to perfection before he does it in front of others... he's super good at puppet shows because he practiced too, he says. Do you really need to practice to do puppet shows, is that even a hobby of yours? But as a curious guy, he does find enrichment in trying a lot of different things and seeing the skill and art in them.
If he does anything wrong it'll be pointed out and he can never live down the one time he did x or y in a lacking manner. And yes maybe it's mom Leech's way of showing that public reputations are forever, because of their family business.
Which brings me back to mom leech saying this, and then the boys complimenting Jade while he looks in the middle like he's being appraised.
"I always worry for how you boys fare away from home after all you're both so…" code for 'have you been causing trouble' maybe? Which gets support soon as well. But even if entirely genuine, this does feel... Pressuring. Stifling some.
Jade maybe this isn't worth it you were so happy infodumping about the octopus dish, do not shackle yourself do not convince yourself that you like this and that this is the environment you want to be in and mold yourself to survive in it's okay to not be mom and dad's perfect dearest son go be a mycologist……
But do you see what I mean... His conversing with his mom are always so much in the unsaid, with little nods and cues and underlying meanings and motives, they're speaking in code that presumably only the other in the room is supposed to fully understand, this feels like a psychological battleground IS THIS RELAXING JADE??? IS THIS A NICE VACATION?? HAVING THE SOLE RESPONSIBILITY FOR AN EVENT'S SUCCESS ON YOUR SHOULDERS REPRESENTING YOUR FAMILY WHILE YOUR MOM KEEPS INDIRECTLY INQUIRING ABOUT YOUR SCHOOL LIFE AND SOCIAL SUCCESS…? I understand why he was so mischievous with everyone and so happy to just walk around and chill out being a tourist doing this and that damn, he needs to let off some steam.
Like why are you making faces like that?? Is it just autism too or-
Face that implies a lot while saying nothing. A face that is so confusing that it comes back around to being neutral, like a presence-masking ninja fog cloud. The fog of war if you will. Carefully constructed expression that will make you seem engaging while giving nothing of substance away, implying vague contradictory things all the time so nothing can be gleaned.
… I can make this about the intergenerational trauma of undiagnosed autism. Notice how georgina also thinks it's embarrassing to show feelings like giddyness, the way Jade shares the sentiment sometimes.
But here we go. Last stretch of the post. Let's get into the biggest most telling moments in my eyes, the ones i've been hinting at all post.
The face of "mom, you care about me beyond my achievements?".
This below is from another moment when Georgina expresses she was worried for Jade going on land and getting tired of it quickly. I want to tie this back to the impression that the family acts emotionally distant and shallow with one another, with parents who see showing genuine emotions and getting giddy as something embarrassing and uncouth.
Okay. So. Imagine you're Jade. Your parents are pretty composed and measured. Then your identical twin brother gets magic before you, and your parents are ecstatic. Giddy like you've never really seen them, over Floyd's magic abilities.
But you can't use magic. You assume you won't get any yourself, people tell you it's unlikely you'll manifest it too since your parents don't have magic. Floyd was a fluke and you won't have that luck, he's the gifted one like usual. He's the one making mom and dad proud.
Look at how how WIDE EYED JADE WAS UP THERE??? YOU CAN TALK. IT IS OKAY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, THAT GOES FOR THE BOTH OF YOU!!
Jade is genuinely so surprised. And notice what he says here, with the "it's not that I wanted them to be special, I just wanted all the chances in their favor for success" feels like it really implies that both Jade and Floyd thought they only cared about them being skilled and having magic. "I'll tell Floyd, he'll be happy", he says, like it's surprising breaking news. Like Floyd has been somewhat unhappy about the state of things before without this info.
With how NRC is prestigious and how Georgina talks about it... Did the twins even want to come to NRC or were their parents telling them they should for "the best successful future"...?? Do they care about magic that much to come to NRC without a push?? Hm.
And yeah. Yeah. Something something, if you raise your kids in a pompous air of strict propriety that puts success above all else, half will become just like you trying to fit into that structure of order and appearances, while the other will want to rebel and flee any rigidity, responsibility and strictness.
I do feel like he wished Floyd was with him like he says a couple times, and it’s probably why he also covered for Floyd not coming with him, and how he now has to preform perfectly for the both of them. He will have his vengeance later, in the form of making him put on puppet plays… Others get to have that be an humiliation ritual for your amusement, but see? Jade practiced, so even doing puppetry is now a mark of his talent rather than anything that could be an embarrassing stain.
He covered for Floyd saying he didn't want to go last minute as "he had an unfortunate happenstance holding him back against his will" oh that makes me more emo now…
Not wanting to see mom who'll ask hey how have you been doing at schools have you been making friends? Wear your suit a little more neatly.
Jade seamlessly smoothing over the creases and potential warning signs of tension with practiced ease and speaking for Floyd….
And their parents do love them in the end, so it does more or less work out relationships wise, but man. Your children are not healthy lol
Floyd never wanting to stick to something for long because otherwise it might be "oh you're really good at that. Do you want to attend classes for it? Maybe you should consider a career in this path. Keep it up, it will be beneficial experience for your resume later." Floyd wanting to live 100% in the present and not think about the future. Having an almost contrarian attitude because being pressured into doing something is lowkey a trigger.
Jade liking cuisine because he got brought to a lot of fine dinners where he learned to socialize and eating the food was lowkey the only part of it he liked and could focus on. Just don't yap too much about how good the dish is or people will get frustrated with you though~! 😃 Ackkk ackkkk Jade being so happy when Silver yapped about how good his mushroom dish was nvm lemme stop theorizing
ONE DAY HE WILL LEARN TO BE OPEN….. I TRUST
So, so far we've covered, what, familial pressure and emotional neglect? Cool cool cool. Not great but at least it's not- oh wait nevermind there are much worse things happening here hold on a second we are now officially covering his ToR card vignette, buckle up.
Jade goes missing- who cares?
So we get a fuller picture from the vignette here, the parents are neglectful and only care if the kids provide academic results, pretty much. According to how it feels like on the receiving end of their attention or lack thereof, anyways. Mom does worry a lot but hardly ever shows it because decorum and reputation are everything to the family- partly because of the fear of being hurt by society if you do not adhere to it- a lesson and value passed down to Jade as well. So Jade is surprised whenever mom talks about having feelings about them, because she always seemed lowkey distant.
In his ToR vignette a worker at the facility that walked Jade through adapting to life on land talked about how much they wanted to replicate the wonder awe and joy that Jade had when coming to land by making a nice touristy route for people going to their facility to get taken in by land culture and land sights, to “wow people to life on land the way Jade was”. This leads to Georgina saying ah so he must have worried for you too the way I was, wondering if you'd tire of life on land. This leads to others asking if Jade had a particular interest on land and all, leading to Jade revealing he once went missing for three days during his middle school years.
Riddle was like wow you got stuck in a whirpool? You were lucky to come out fine and:
And so Jade is like "When I made my way back home after disappearing, mom squeezed me and cracked every bone in my body" and Riddle is like "no duh no wonder you'd get a harsh punishment being gone for 3 days" Jade's mom senses the 'strict' family trauma from miles away, and then Jade was like "oh no they dgaf".
Riddle being like "you deserved a far worse punishment crushed for going missing as a child" I am losing it PLEASE… RIDDLE………
AND SEE????!!!! SEE WHAT I MEAN??? PACING MY ROOM WHAT THE HELL HELLO???!
No wonder he thinks his mom isn't worried over him and doesn't care hello? She literally said "well I'm not worried about where he is or what he does i'm worried about it getting out and our reputation getting hurt, don't make the school worried you little brat" I'M??????!!!!!!!
And we get more info about the squeeze btw, which? Jade does repeatedly say hurt him… And Georgina says she hugged them when the twins fought to make them stop which again feels off. Like the squeeze is wrapping around them to immobilize and squeeze them yk gdbdh like… that sounds like timeout punishment man idk. Not the perfect moment to go "Group hug! We're such a loving family! ♡"
I will say, Georgina being like "oh no no <3 that isn't a punishment, it's an embrace of worry, see!" is messed up, using coded language for the abuse? Calling it "the squeeze" and insisting it's something done out of love. Because a punishment is what it is let's not kid ourselves, she literally slips up when Rook goes "But why give a punishment then if it's to okay to be out of home-" "Ehem. Embrace of worry." "… Right. So what brought on the ah… squeeze?" "Well it's because the school got called so he had to be punished" YOU'RE NOT SLICK?!!! Again it's all in the unsaid. Everyone's aware that this isn't simply motherly affection but no one is willing to confront the quiet part out loud. Many families do have a code name or special way to make punishment rituals sound nicer or more indirect.
But so this coding is highkey messed up right, and now it makes like…. a lot of sense now how "you act like you WANT to get squeezed" is something Floyd says BEFORE BATTLES!!! BEFORE FIGHTS IN GAME!!! That also supports the theory that squeezing is not so subtly punishment. But it's also something he does when he does like something and get cuteness aggression. Punishment and affection were literally taught hand in hand to him in the form of the squeeze. That fusion of loving embrace and pain being the same thing in their mind. Jade grew up to emulate Georgina a lot in demeanor, but Floyd isn't free from being influenced and shaped by his parents either.
RIDDLE TWEAKOUT PART 1 AND 2!!!!!! Which is crazy to me but Jade being perfection as always. HE GOT LOST AND WENT MISSING OVER A TOY RIIINGGGGGG is that so evil of him
I am so glad that Jade got to live out of home for highschool preach amen he is learning some normalcy and making something like friends goodness gracious
Riddle literally thought the squeeze was corporal punishment (rightfully) and was like "oh my god you got off with just that? They should have fractured your bones harder"
Meanwhile Rook goes "omg your family too? My parents are pretty hands off too how fun!". Free-range parenting style. Neglect lol
Twst is so good it really has surprisingly good writing, especially imo when it comes to family dynamics and how it influenced the kids to become who they are. I'm really happy to see how well jade got along with rook this whole time and not with riddle and it directly ties into how they were parented. Trauma's a bitch
But yes so. "Idgaf what my son does spending several nights out alone as a middle school child and I have no clue where he is. As long as outside eyes don't start looking into it that is, then it becomes on you, so you better behave and do your mischief without anyone noticing. Don't come home fine but go go school, or I'll give you punisnment" haha what the fuck
If it has to be said, I'm something of a hard liner when it comes to corporal punishment, especially in raising kids. As soon as you teach kids that you are willing to physically hurt them and that they should fear you for their safety and physical wellbeing you've gone down the wrong path, in my opinion and in the opinions of all experts in the field. All studies, across the board, show it again and again, corporal punishment doesn't work and mostly just contributes to behavioral and mental health issues in kids, spanking or otherwise.
Again with what Georgina shows and says she does seem to genuinely care- and I can see her POV well even in the case she is aware that this isn't how you raise a child with love: she says it herself, you need all the weapons at your disposal to survive in this world, especially in this harsh underwater one. Raising boys strictly to grow up to be proper and aware of societal pressure is love because it readies them for the world. Punishing them so they know what happens when you fall short of them is readying them for the real world too. Georgina gives them a squeeze but the wider world may not be "so kind". How could mere boys understand what's at stake for their family business if they do things that reflect poorly on them, so she'll teach them.
But then the vignette ends with a cute "all my classmates make my life so enriched and I am grateful and happy with the life on land I am leading" moment so all is well forever and the Leech family continues to be repressed <3
Conclusion
In a similar way to convincing yourself that you don't want acceptance because it's easier than accepting that you do but can't obtain it even if you try hard, some people reflexively blame themselves for anything that goes wrong not because they dislike themselves but because... It can feel comforting to believe that if you just did things differently, if you behaved perfectly, things wouldn't have gone wrong- because that means you do have control over the outcome of a situation. Accepting that things are out of your control no matter how you'd react or act or how perfect you are sometimes means accepting that things will go wrong no matter what and that's scary.
It kind of goes along that thing I mentioned in my Jade yap part 1 about seeing social interactions as a dating sim with correct and wrong answers to raise people's affinity bar and unlock the ending you want. For me before I learned I was autistic I had that sort of mindset, training myself until I could ace social interactions, and it was really hard to accept that there were some things about myself I would never be able to change and that I don't have the control to do anything and get along with anyone. Sometimes, it's just out of your hands. And it's easier to want to believe that you did something wrong and if you train yourself harder, if you beat yourself the right way, then you can reach your goals. You can reach perfection. You can be liked. Your parents can become proud of you. If you're just a little better, just a little more often. You can have a goal to pursue instead of sit in your doom and failure.
So it's easy to convince yourself that you love the grind. You love being a perfectionist for the sake of it. You love being alone, actually, others are below you. You love being seen as the competent one, that's the peak of life truly, there's nothing that makes you happier tan having all the work left to you. Except going into the woods where you can escape any and all social interactions because you prefer plants, and love staring at beautiful landscapes for 24 hours straight in solitude - something he has expressed. That's normal.
Jade loves mountains. Indomitable forces of nature. Enormous monuments. Something so imposing. Yet so free. It asks to be seen and refuses to go unnoticed, with so very many small things to notice about it once you look closer. It's there, making itself impossible to miss, and unashamed. It asks for nothing and is serene. No one can judge a mountain.
How inspiring, isn't it? He wants to bask in the light of that, wants to get closer to it, wants to be allowed to witness it in its entirety, not missing a second or a leaf. If no one else will take the time to appreciate them, he will. The unknown begs to be discovered.
... ClubSu is making me lock in a little I've always been like "Impostor Syndrome? Oh no that's for others who are irrational about their being fake, I'm just really aware of how fake I truly am" and the jokes do write themselves yes
And you know maybe suddenly feeling more monstrous beast than human has a name. Maybe my performing of my cis gender despite my not identifying with it because ~I could never be nonbinary that's for queer people and I'm not queer enough~ has a name. And you know maybe it has something to do with the chronic derealization and the autism that's made me feel like I couldn't trust my own perception of things in the first place so I always have to assume the least optimistic thing. And probably even the depersonalization, which I attributed to the feeling of lying whenever I try drawing myself with my human face. And suddenly I realize that my putting myself down as a shrewd manipulator all the time because I feel uncomfortable being called nice and don't want people to see me as harmless is not actually me having a girlboss moment of seeing through the matrix of my own evil design and web of lies and hm. Hm.
Omg no way the person who's obsessed with and relates to mimics and changelings and shapeshifters and monsters who try to look or be human feels like an impostor I KNOWWWWW STOPPP my stupid baka life
Could the therian feelings be hiding something else? All roads really do lead back to Impostor Syndrome by Sidney Gish I SHOULD HAVE LISTEEENEEED
… Villainess stories are about self-hatred and comparing yourself to the worst that you can be and always living feeling like you're chaining back a monster (yourself). Hm. What then
I was reading a villainess series I enjoy some months ago, after having started a couple of new ones and it made me think of a pattern I notice. And I do think, amongst the other themes you can find in those "I've reincarnated as a villainess oh no!! I must change the plot(and probably become nice)!" stories, villainess stories are about that. The irrational feeling that you're living in sin that hasn't come to pass yet but that you still have to atone for, this persisting view of yourself as a villain.
A lot of the time the main character will live like an angel like atonement but have a lot of anxiety around someone killing them for what they've done or for being fundamentally evil, or have anxiety around that evil within them resurfacing, or how "I wasn't meant to be part of the happy ending, so I should disappear so others can live peacefully as it should be", even when everything is literally going nicely and it's all chill.
Pride
The Most Heretical Last Boss Queen is a series that particularly shows this facet of the genre I think. The main character, originally a villainess, gains awareness that she's in a story and resolves to do things different so everyone can have a happy ending. She shows kindness to all and bravery whenever a situation needs saving. Everyone grows to respect her, adore her, admire her, even need her. But no matter how much good she does, she always braces herself for fate to come locking her back onto evil, for herself to become "the heretical last boss queen", her video game title, her original role. She plans with her descent into evil and demise both being inevitable in mind, and seeks to do all the good she can until then.
It's become especially striking now that the current arc being adapted into manga is about an arranged political marriage. About fulfilling that role for the greater good of your kingdom prospering and "the story's" happiness.
Someone notices she seems unhappy with her upcoming marriage and volunteers to steal her away, in order for her to be free eloping with him. It was out of concern for her happiness, but she as always thinks about others' happiness instead. What she hears when he says that is a different kind of opportunity. While her siblings are finding it incredibly difficult to adapt to a daily life where her presence is more scarce due to her duties, Pride is fully unaware and wonders if simply removing herself and eloping would be best for everyone. Something that with our lucidity we scream at the pages would make everyone miserable. Her self-critical nature has made her blind to the accurate state of things- how cherished she is.
The next chapters are about how people notice how forced her smiles are with her fiance and how much it bothers them- but Pride is successfully carrying out her role, you see. No matter how tiring, no matter how sacrificial. She is the princess and her kingdom, as well as her suitor, need her to marry him to be happy. So she will smile, so she will comfort him and everyone around her that she truly does not mind that she is okay with all this. So she will do what she must do. Why? Because she is Pride the crown princess, the bride-to-be, the daughter, and so she will, the equation is that simple in her mind.
She acts much older than her age, never lets herself be shaken, always offers solution and reason to everyone else, always confident- because she does believe she knows what the future has in store for all of them, and she is simply a cog in that. She speaks of her royal status, of her political and family bonds with others, she is the heretical last boss, the crown princess, the fiance, the sister, but so rarely ever simply Pride the person.
The villainess genre is a lot, of course, about roles. It's reversing the roles of the villain and the protagonist. It's talking about fate, and averting from the dark or doomed path you're headed towards. It's about the possibility of change- if fate can be changed at all, if a soul can reverse from their evil. It's a chicken and egg situation. After all, by nature the villainess genre is extremely meta.
Because if you were made a villain, in the script in the very basis of your character, what hope is there for you?
It reminds me of that fable with the scorpion and the frog. "Why did you sting me when you needed me, dooming the both of us to die?" "I'm a scorpion. It's what I do."
But why it fascinates me isn't really that lesson. It's the thought of someone thinking themselves so fundamentally evil as to respond with "I am a monster that does monstrous things, I can't do anything about it it's just like that". It's the lucid way in which the scorpion answers, the resignation of it as if it, really, is law of the world, with no other course of action that it could possibly have taken. Not "I didn't mean to", just a shrug and "Why did you trust me?" What has to happen to someone to think that way about themselves?
How does that kind of cartoonish self-hatred even work? When the worst of your sins isn't what you've done, but the potential of what you could become, like a reincarnated villainess?
Why would you call yourself a monster? A scorpion? Tainted?
Meiyou
What does Meiyou Mabuchi from Club Suicide answer, when we ask why he keeps referring to himself as tainted and impure?
Villainess mangas are often a spin on the classic "I am innocent and I have been framed, someone else is the evil one please believe me", just with a different internalized dynamic. One where many villainesses believe that due to the past or due to circumstances, things are either stacked against them or fated to have them be the evil one, where many villainess believe that they even deserve to be seen as evil.
There's a kind of self-hatred that feels like you've seen through the matrix. The impostor syndrome kind. The one that makes you think everyone who calls you kind is a poor fool who's fallen for your deceit. One where you have to keep yourself distant from others, just in case you might want to sting one day, because you've never considered yourself anything else than a scorpion, because sometimes there's an itch at the back of your brain that tells you to sting when stressed and surely that means that's what you're doomed to do, because your very being is poison. In those cases, you can start to feel like you have to be the hero who has to defeat the villain, yourself.
You become the one who needs to convince others that you are not worth trust and companionship. You are the prosecutor showing the court the evidence of your evil in order to convince it and bring justice. You have to call things how they are for your own integrity- and you are the villain, you are tainted. Even without telling anyone else around you, you start living with this burden on your back, this understanding of the world.
In his route, Meiyou models himself into what others require of him, "perfection" as defined by his interpretation of everyone's needs. He needs to be the irreproachable student council president, a good son, a good brother, a man. And yet his escape, his motivation to live, his epitome of beauty that exists in the world, is yuri. Through his route there is much conversation that either involves or talks about storytelling. He tells myths, recalls stories he read, frames situations you're in through novel tropes. His goal left before dying is even to find the perfect yuri story. His reasoning for this fascination with collecting such factoids, even down to "frogs are a symbol of good luck" like with flower language, is that he's a hopeless romantic. He likes to see meaning in things, likes the idea of fateful interactions.
He lives through the framing of roles, flees them in his life while still craving the safety and stability of them in story, he hates them but he's still the one insisting on acting out perfection, rather than it being pushed onto him. He seeks through fiction to experience the closure of arcs and themes and narratives, the cold assurance of being a set assigned role and carrying it out to completion, of it having greater meaning and purpose, because he is living through all the duties of it without getting its rewards, and it's comforting to daydream that such rewards can exist. It's his flower arrangement hobby, or even his photography hobby- everything has a right place to be in, and he wants to make sure the composition is all as should be. And if everything gets placed just right- then he'll get a rush of satisfaction.
And isn't that what stories are often all about? Wanting to be seen. By Club Suicide, too. Wanting to have art portray what you're going through or who you are, that has an ending that satisfies you and makes you feel better about your life. Life isn't clear cut but we can give it narratives and with it meaning, it's human.
He enjoys seeing life as something that can be narrativized, that can have roles and themes and a powerful sacrifice that culminates with grief turning into change for the better, instead of the simmering reality that sadness festers. That change would happen in spite of the burden of it, not because it gave people strength.
This complete nature of stories is why he calls yuri pure and calls himself impure too, because yuri is clear and he is dirty, a fulfilling story that expresses something versus an imperfect unfinished story that still hasn't made its intended impact on its viewers- It's why he has his rant about being a fictional character in his good ending too. His "I was a fictional character because I was never there, physically yes but not mentally. Accept me or not, but either way I will be there living my true self, being a real person, and you will be there hiding your true self, being a fictional person." because if you're simply going by a script, a role, you might as well not be you.
The villainess genre is often about people having inherent roles, in their lives and within a wider narrative of the world. You sting because you're a scorpion. You discard your feelings for perfection because you're a princess, or a student council president. You are the villain because you act villainous, and you act villainous because you are the villain. Yet you are a villain conscious of this role, and are burdened with the dual role of being the villain and the hero.
And I think at the end of the day that's why it was... A good thing for things to blur together for Meiyou. Life isn't clear cut, roles aren't dished out, narratives are found not written. It's meaningul that the novel that saved Meiyou was an unfinished one, with a part two that never got written— An open ending, and yet beauty was still found in it. The blur of a hero and a villain being the same person, the blur of a sacrifice and a death being a good thing or a bad thing, the false binary of gender. It turns out that without glass lenses separating him from the world, he likes how blurry things look. Not looking at the boxes the world wants them to sort themselves in. Not red, not blue, not even purple, just feeling what they want to be, and the strides they'll make to become that.
You know, I think the reason the romance trope of being the one person that some grumpy person likes and tolerates and outwardly appreciates isn't just that it makes you feel special for getting along with them, and them liking you. I think… It's because being in love with someone really nice can be scary.
It's scary to have a crush on someone popular- and even more when they're someone who is very kind to everyone, who gives everyone time, a social butterfly. Because how can you tell if they like you, then? If all the time and attention and kind words they give you is something that others have had too, platonically?
It's less about having competitors or rivals, and more about the possibility that the special moments you have with them is so natural that they think nothing of those themselves. It's more about feeling secure in your relationship, that they do like you- because if they already give out intimacy naturally then what will change if it's meant romantically?
You tell yourself you're getting ahead of yourself, that you're thinking you're more special than you are, you won't get more than their regular kindness and you have to be satisfied with that- or dare to have a selfish hope that you're different. And I think.... In a weird way to many, this might happen more and feel more discomforting the happiest and healthiest that someone is, because they're not gonna treat you as the be-all-end-all one person they will be attentionate with.
… Which is A POST TO BOAST BECAUSE I AM GOD'S SPECIALEST FAVORITE!!! YA BOY GOT GAYER AND MY HUBRIS WILL NEVER BE SMITTEN BY ANYTHING OTHER THAN A JOLI MINOIS AND, AH, WHAT A LOVELY LIFE TO LIVE!!
Hello, welcome to my dissection. I want to peel Syo Kurusu apart layer by layer as if he were plated sashimi. This post will have spoilers for UtaPri Repeat, Sweet Serenade, along with some content from Shining Live and LE. Upon making this post I have not yet finished Sweet Serenade or played the other VN games. So I will present information up until chapter 1 of Sweet Serenade. Meaning this will be a mini rant!
A few trigger warnings for SA, suggestive content, child death, seizures, near death experiences, and mentions of violence. These are my unbiased observations of him as a character. I will make my opinions made first, then I will list off what we know in canon material. Please be mindful of your mental health before proceeding!
Opinions First;
I am a Syo yume as you can see by my blog name. I am also just a fan of his character in general. But there are so many things I have consumed and digested that start to click and make sense with his character. There is a difference between interpretation and intention. Some of what I may interpret may be fueled by personal experience and angle viewing so my opinions may not align with everyone else’s. We can tell what the writers intentions are via context clues in canon without it being shoved in our faces; meaning you need to have media literacy. I will try(once again) to write this as unbiased as possible. I am very aware that Syo isn’t a very good person.
This isn't a diss. This is all canon material and observation of his character. He's not as perfect as people make him out to be and I love it. I actually hate when he's written or depicted as a perfect and sweet boyfriend because it's very unfair to him as a character. And it shows you prefer surface level and not what's underneath.
Now that I have finished that, I will start my yap.
The 'S' in Syo means 'Self Destruction':
Self harm is not always something you can pinpoint as a behavior or a cope with stress. It takes different forms. Most people associate the term with cutting oneself or starving, but that isn't always true.
Uta no Prince Sama: Repeat - Ch. 7 (Five-Second-Early Vicenda)
Syo actively self harms especially in Uta no Prince-Sama: Repeat where he is overworking his body because he feels both inadequate and insecure with his preformance. You can see this a lot with his character as you progress through his route in Repeat. Especially when it comes to Haruka/MC and those in Class S.
Syo is often used as a gag in other routes + the anime as a way to lighten the mood. Turning him into an unserious character and punching bag. In his route things are actually very different when you get actual understanding of his character. In Natsuki's route, he's almost like a yapping Pomeranian who you occasionally tease. And he steps in to rescue you from Satsuki only to be sent flying into a wall. In his VN route; He treats other men as a threat entirely. Syo feels like he has to play catchup with his peers in Class S which makes him push harder and harder. He behaves like a lost puppy and jokingly enough, Tokiya and Ren make a passing comment that 'Syo is a man after all' and 'he's simple'. Of course Syo gets offended by this.
There is nothing wrong with having a dedicated work ethic. The issue is when it starts to affect on your health.
Uta no Prince Sama: Repeat - Ch. 7 (Five-Second-Early Vicenda)
In UtaPri, Syo is stated on his character profile to be small, but mightier than anyone else. Which is true. He trains himself physically for many reasons. But he does overdo it which Haruka/MC and the reader are forced to stand by and watch his self destructive behavior worsen and worsen. When there is an attempt to intervene the first time we watch him have a seizure, this happens;
Uta no Prince Sama: Repeat - Ch. 7 (Five-Second-Early Vicenda)
Syo grabs Haruka/MC by the arm and begs her NOT to tell anyone what happened. Including Ryuya which is someone he looks up to. Which can be seen as a huge shock since Ryuya saved Syo when he was in middle school when he was getting jumped by a group of delinquents. As he is in agony we stay with him on the floor until his body calms down which is about 20 minutes of him in pain. And then he gets back to work. And we are left to stomach what happened and a sensation of helplessness.
In this chapter alone A LOT happens, including Kaoru showing up and begging Syo to stop pursuing his dream of being an idol and to instead take life easy. Syo then confesses that the reason he pushes himself so hard is because he wants to impress/look cook for Haruka/MC to which he refers to as 'That Guy'. Which Haruka/MC overhears this and is left speechless.
Uta no Prince Sama: Repeat - Ch. 7 (Five-Second-Early Vicenda)
It can be very difficult given the situation to stomach the fact someone is willing to push themselves beyond their limits to make another person happy or proud. Especially when that person is you it becomes like a weight. Haruka does agree with Kaoru during this point in the story that he's overdoing it and should relax. But she doesn't want him to stop training for his debut; She wants him to stop hurting himself and pushing when he shouldn't. Which in Syo's eyes is a tall order and reads as pity. The desire to express care and doing so is something he already got from Kaoru for years and years.
Kaoru goes to school that way he can become a doctor FOR Syo's sake. He can be seen as overbearing and like a hover parent to his older twin which upsets Syo. More on this later.
Syo later on explains in chapter 9 of his route that he actually loathes pity. We learn that he spent a lot of time in the hospital and that he is afraid of dying. But he doesn't want to roll over and accept death either. More on that later.
Uta no Prince Sama: Repeat - Ch. 9 (Upbeat Dance)
Syo wants us to believe in him when he says he's fine. And that he can take care of himself and that he's a man. He doesn't want to dwell on what inevitably waits for him when there's a life he needs to live. In this chapter we also get 'fired' as his servant and promoted to his princess which did ease the sour taste one might feel from the conversation. Syo is aware that he is sick and he explains that he doesn't want you to concern yourself with the obvious. He wants you to trust him. Syo wants you to ignore the pain he may feel and his behavior and understand that he knows how his body works. Syo wants you to believe him when he says everything is fine. And to let him continue working towards becoming an idol even if it looks like it's killing him.
Trusting Syo is honestly something that feels more like a betrayal later on. It is fruitless and empty but he asks that you trust him not because he also believes that he will be okay. But because he wants to spare you from tragedy.
Does Lying Hurt or Help?:
The first time Syo lies is in the first chapter of his route in Repeat. It's something to roll your eyes at and brush off but his lying becomes more apparent in his character. Especially because Syo fesses up to his lies when things get serious. In chapter 11 of his route we meet with him in the rain. He collapses and we hold him in our arms as he essentially has a mental break down in front of us.
Uta no Prince Sama: Repeat - Ch. 11 (Renforcer Feelings)
At this point Syo is getting ready for his debut in chapter 12, and he will fly out to the United States to get surgery for his heart. The catch is that yes these may be great surgeons, but there is a coinflip chance if he lives or dies. Syo is constantly reassuring us that he is fine and everything is fine for the sake of protecting us. And chapters later he admits to us how scared he is. How he doesn't want to die and he doesn't know if he'll live or not.
He admits that he knows his behavior is reckless because he envies everyone with a normal heart and body. Syo manufactured his personality to become just like someone he admires and that his feelings and optimism aren't very genuine. Most of Syo's lies and their reasoning are something called Prosocial Lying which stems from Altruism. It is social phenomenon in humans who feel deep empathy and is often done to protect. Like softening a hard blow and minimalizing something that may truthfully be a big deal. Sometimes this action can backfire and we see that in Syo's route towards the end and Episode One of Sweet Serenade.
In the chapter at the beginning he makes a lot of comments that are with a heavy hearted intent. And of course we get a classic Syo innuendo that has much deeper intent than what one might expect which I explain in this fanart I made and discuss it a little. But I will talk more about this behavioral trait later.
Uta no Prince-Sama: Sweet Serenade - Ch. 1 (The Deep Rhythm Within My Heart)
Syo in general takes on almost a heroic sense of self when he lies to Haruka/MC if things are okay or not. He wants someone to be hopeful on his behalf if that makes sense. Because he has no faith in himself. By lying to us we gain trust that nothing bad will happen. That everything will work out in the end like Syo said. And yes, it does work out. He does survive his surgery with a few bumps and nicks here and there. The problem is that we start to understand as a reader and through Haruka/MC that this was a façade to protect us. This actually leads Haruka/MC to break down alone in the living room in tears. Because even if it was done out of kindness it was still a lie.
It can feel like a betrayal to have someone assure you up and down things are fine and then they plan their funeral behind your back. Syo has succumbed to the fact he will die one day and he doesn't want to think about it all the time. And he doesn't want Haruka/MC to think about it either.
Syo has a very mature way of thinking but even he makes mistakes or he does things that aren't perfect. I personally recommend reading or playing his Sweet Serenade route if you can. It is very heavy though.
Another point I want to make is an album cover for Starish where they all have a solo design for their songs. Among these covers Syo is the only person to hide his face with the bonus fact his crown is in his lap. More on that later.
This cover art for the solo CD is a direct nod to the first VN and Sweet Serenade as well. How Syo puts on a performance for Haruka/MC to ease any concerns while taking on the weight by himself. Syo dislikes himself in many ways. He wants to look and sound cool. He paints his nails and he coordinates his clothes to be flashy and charming so that way you have no reason to distrust him. Why wouldn't you? Look at how put together he looks.
One day, you will unknowingly pose for the picture that will be used at your funeral. Syo knows that.
Til' Death Do We Part:
One thing that makes it hard to enjoy Shining Live (when it was online) is the elimination of his backstory. His heart condition and how pessimistic he actually is. It is a reminder that he is in work mode and that he cannot let you cry or feel upset with him as the cause. It feels akin to censorship in my eyes to no longer talk about his mental health and hardships. And this goes for all UtaPri characters.
Syo doesn't openly talk about his views on death very much. But when he does it sinks in very fast that this is something he thinks about often. In fact, he went to a different country alone because he didn't want to cause a burden. Even though this is such a sensitive time in his life. Even Kaoru who begged to go was turned away.
Uta no Prince-Sama: Sweet Serenade - Ch. 1 (The Deep Rhythm Within My Heart)
Upon his return from the States he comes to stay the night in our dorm. The trains do not run and he left his key with his twin brother during his absence. When Haruka/MC lets him use the bath and searches for his clothes in his bag there is a letter he wrote that remained unsent. It was a will in case of him dying and never coming back to us.
Uta no Prince-Sama: Sweet Serenade - Ch. 1 (The Deep Rhythm Within My Heart)
This behavior is something people usually see in animals. Where we often romanticize how domesticated animals will run off to die in a secluded place. Not wanting to disturb loved ones. This isn't truly the case but it is explained as they feel vulnerable and run off alone to find a safe place away from a social group.
With Syo he has already cemented the fact he's going to die during his surgery. When he leaves his hat with Haruka/MC saying it's a borrowed or stand in Ore Sama it is because he wants her to hold onto the hope he will live and overcome this hurdle. But again, he is softening a blow for the sake of someone else. He never planned to come back for that hat even if he said he was.
Syo also has issues with false hope. He mentions meeting another sick child in the hospital and becoming friends. How the two of them would hang out and play once they were discharged. And Syo abruptly states how the child no longer appeared, but not because he was released from the hospital.
Uta no Prince-Sama: Sweet Serenade - Ch. 1 (The Deep Rhythm Within My Heart)
When people are moments from death, there is a phenomenon where they feel much better or energized. Where the brain 'locks in' one final time. With Syo we aren't sure what happened before he ended up in a coma. When he returns to Haruka/MC he is proud to say he wants to tell everyone how amazing it is to be alive.
After his surgery is a success he does have symptoms of his heart condition still. But he is much more optimistic about the situation. Staying a busy body now that he has regained some strength. With the topic of death being a looming force in Syo's route it can be hard to ignore. Especially in Sweet Serenade.
Mortality is a terrifying thing to accept when you are 15 to 16 years old. Knowing you will die in 4 years from now. Syo claims he has accepted his fate years ago when he sank back and was in and out of the hospital. Doing his best to comfort Kaoru who sobbed every day with an apology to Syo for eating all the nutrients and leaving Syo with none before they were born.
With death as an inevitable, there can be mental decline. There can be irrational behavior. There can be primal instincts and urges you want to act on.
All Men Are Pigs (Except Me):
This section is a little lighter and it is also meant to talk about parts of Syo's personality in the VN that are often skipped over because of the anime. And that is how Syo genuinely perceives Haruka/MC. And how his chivalry can be actually seen as sexism.
Syo is very small compared to the Japanese average male for that time period, he is openly GNC with how he dresses and presents himself, and yet he remains hyper masculine in his own way. Which also includes some of his ideals and views on women.
This is a scene from the anime where Syo talks about what made him attracted to Haruka. He opens with calling her cute and kind, then mentions how she's clumsy and spaced out and how he wants to protect her.
Uta no Prince-Sama: Season 1 Episode 9
While the anime uses this as a joke towards Haruka's personality for being cute and clumsy (personality traits very common among female protagonists in this era) this is not the first time Syo has made these kinds of comments. In the VN it is done in a more condescending and even belittling way.
In chapter 9 of his route in Uta no Prince-Sama: Repeat, Haruka/MC actually gets FIRED from being his ‘servant’ because she’s useless and someone who Syo constantly has to look after. He says this like he's talking about a child instead of a potential girlfriend.
He does turn around and we get ‘promoted’ to the status of ‘princess’ after the scene happens. But Syo does say in interviews the women he finds himself attracted to are ones that he can protect or feels the urge to protect. He also mentions in Repeat that men should protect women. Which is fine on its own but it is a little outdated because of the media.
Uta no Prince Sama: Repeat - Ch. 9 (Upbeat Dance)
Not to mention in UtaPri: Live Emotion and Shining Live he has similar voice lines thinking Haruka/MC is helpless and that she sometimes reminds him of Kaoru or a small animal he needs to baby.
His habit of infantilization can stem from a plethora of things. One being he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents and he has only ever been hovered over by Kaoru. In turn he wants to find someone or something to dote on and look after as a way to feel less emasculated. It could come from him seeing Haruka/MC as less than due to hidden motivations as well.
If you didn’t know; Syo Kurusu is a creep. I will talk about his nasty photography habit in a different post. But Syo’s route in repeat has a lot of innuendos and comedy moments you would usually see in an ecchi manga. Including an accidental groping scene where Haruka/MC slips and falls, Syo tries to catch us, and instead we end up on the floor with him cupping our chest. He expects us to get mad, going as far as to say “it’s softer than I thought” and then telling us we’re very kind albeit Haruka/MC being confused. This scene was slightly altered for the Nintendo Switch release to make Syo a little more innocent in the situation.
Syo also makes his peers out to be wolves. Horrible men who want to take advantage of Haruka/MC and he’s not like that. Syo makes a side comment about riding, you see him naked, he assumes you’re preparing to get on your knees and give him a blowjob, all with a flustered face but he never truly declines. Towards the end of the route he does call us stupid in a lighthearted way, and in his after story he sighs and he calls us dense. Because he knows that whatever we said wasn’t meant to be taken in a suggestive way. But he took it there on his own with nothing to bear fruits.
In this part of his after story for Repeat his mom sends him a yukata to gift to Haruka/MC. Saying that there’s a nice dark spot behind a shrine where he can ‘make his move’ if you catch my drift.
Uta no Prince-Sama m: Repeat (After Story/Big Love Ending)
Syo never behaves like a sexual predator directly when it comes to Haruka/MC but he makes everyone else out to be one. That if she’s alone with a man like him anything could happen. When I mentioned it being him projecting it is because he does envy Ren for being popular with girls.
Syo is actually considered unattractive in canon because of his physical appearance and personality. You can see examples of this in the beginning of Repeat with female NPCs calling him weird and a few interviews. Including a White Day card where Syo mentions he never got chocolate on Valentine’s Day until after he became an idol. Going as far as to call Otoya a traitor for recieving giri choco in a CD drama between Starish.
Syo shows many examples of thriving on female attention especially from Haruka/MC to which Ren and Tokiya refer to him as simple (Syo takes offense to this of course). But in his Repeat route if you choose to compliment him it's almost like watching a dog wag his tail. I personally see these as sex pest behaviors. Even if Syo never does anything genuinely malicious.
I could go on and on about his behavior but I think this is a good place to stop.
Final Thoughts:
I love Syo to death. I think he’s a very interesting character and I think that there’s so much more I can talk about as I progress through the other games.
It’s so important to me to understand him both in a positive and negative light. He does have very charming moments and he is genuinely kind and he is very considerate and sweet. But he also has things that make me roll my eyes or I gasp and I want to shove him because he can be so yucky sometimes… I would like to make more posts like this in the future unpacking more of his personality and showing you he’s not this amazing man people sometimes make him out to be but that’s not a bad thing. He’s complex character you need to figure out and grow to understand.
Syo kinda sucks but also I do too. And I think that’s pretty neat.
Utapri asks "How do I grow if that growth is directly tied to someone else's?", and I find that fascinating. Is it beneficial or harmful to force yourself to grow? Should you push someone you care about, or shelter them? What does agency look like, with plurality?
Uta no Prince-Sama has a lot to say about identity, thematically relevant you could say since having a persona comes with being an idol (as particularly explored through Tokiya and Hayato)— but it takes that theme beyond, with its many characters who have, so to speak, a double. Stripping the metaphors away gradually until it culminates with Ai, mostly. To a lesser degree, many pairs of brothers are explored, living in the shadow of the other one way or another, the twins Syo and Kaoru, or Yamato and Ryuya, and Eiichi and Eiji, and Seiichiro and Ren. For every character, the road to becoming an idol involves immense growth.
For our main pairs here, these doubles are characters who have intrinsically interwoven lives and identities, even sharing a body. I find the way that's explored in the several routes and medias interesting and surprisingly heartfelt, especially all the conflict between the duos, mixed in with all the care they have for each other even in their complicated and often resentful situations.
So I want to talk about the thoughts I had and do an analysis of sorts, with a focus on Natsuki and Satsuki but using Ai and Aine as the equally interesting foil. Their arcs are surprisingly similar, in many ways. Big Aine and Satsuki enjoyer over here!! Since what sparked this thread for me is the Natsuki & Nagi duet episode we'll also open with some parallels between those two, and do an episode deep dive~ Syo is also a guest start that becomes very relevant at some points. At the same time, I'll talk a bit about adaptation, and some differences between Natsuki's route and the anime. This is a big one, BUCKLE UP
Contains extensive and essential spoilers for Natsuki and Ai's Repeat and All Star VN routes respectively, as well as the anime's season 4, and VN mentions for Syo and Otoya.
CW & TW for mental health discussion that goes into depression, violence and toxicity mostly, and allusions to suicide. But also SA, because of Satsuki's actions in Repeat.
Disclaimer: We'll be discussing and deconstructing DID allusions and metaphors as they are presented in the show, what I will be saying will be about these specific characters and their specific fictional situations. I do not necessarily believe this to be true for systems as a whole and I should never be your sole source on DID or DID in fiction, but I do try to say when I'm speaking more generally and when the characters are the exception rather than the rule. We'll be exploring alters as people with their own character flaws, not all systems can be harmonious all the time and that's human.
I also want to make clear that I do not believe I am perfect, or that this is the take on their characters or these medias ever! I love sharing my thoughts because it is that, sharing, and it is through the community sharing their thoughts with me that I am here too. Feel free to engage with my post critically.
I watched season 4 episode 7 Grown Empathy and it singlehandedly made me very interested in Natsuki's character and respect him, making me read his Repeat route afterward. I gotta say though, I felt that the anime had more subtlety and made more of an impact on me.
So this post is gonna center around discussing this episode, fluffing it some with plenty of Repeat excerpts as support + show some things I noticed and liked, and then a mini Ai analysis and why his role was so important in said episode, then going into Satsuki and Aine parallels.
The one anime episode
One important thing about the duet episodes in season 4 are that they, in fact, happen in season four- this is late in the series, and the last anime season that came out. The blocks for character development had already been laid out for three seasons prior making them all quite nice brick houses already, so we catch them on the tailend of their character arcs here, we see that last push for them to have their arcs completely finalized in each character's duet episode, by introducing them to a character foil that both reflects them and contrasts with them. The duet episodes are a masterclass in character arcs.
I'm a filthy skipper, I'm an otome player before I am an anime watcher, so I want to put you into my POV and jump straight into this episode without thinking about everything else about Natsuki first.
The episode summary goes like this:
Nagi persists to perform their duet project with musical instruments: Natsuki playing the violin while Nagi plays the viola. This causes Natsuki to start recollecting unpleasant memories, prompting "Satsuki" to step in.
Basically, Nagi has less of a filter and confronts Natsuki a lot, asks him to give more decisive answers and be less of a sheep, for lack of a better word. When Nagi asks for him to play the violin when they meet for the duet project, and then asks why not when Natsuki acts uncertain, Satsuki fronts and acts hostile. Nagi acts very pushy, but without knowing Natsuki's secrets, it makes a lot of sense— It comes from a want to have clear communication and a decisive coworker, as well as to not be pushed around with wishy washy-ness.
Nagi, the prodigy child idol. Natsuki was a child prodigy once too- it's what made him so anxious and defensive about his violin skills. They're character foils because where the fame and praise and trauma of being a child prodigy in the spotlight made Natsuki agreeable and seek to avoid conflict, Nagi is the reverse. He's serious and strict, and above all he's confrontational. Where Natsuki became even more avoidant after having been taken advantage of by people in the industry, maybe we can assume that Nagi may have become more confrontational to make up for people disregarding him because of his age, to be heard.
What we're seeing clash in this episode is a nonconfrontational people pleaser man who goes along to others' wishes for general peacekeeping, and a confrontational boy who expects anyone he works with to have strength behind their choices. Let's remember that his boss is Raging- this is a cutthroat industry, and while Nagi lacks tact and delicacy, I want people to keep in mind this context both that this is a professional meeting and that Nagi's words really aren't mean yet, only direct.
Natsuki and Nagi are both bad at boundaries, it's just that while Nagi is bad at them in a critical more negative intrusive way, prods and pokes at sensitive spots, Natsuki is bad at them in a more upbeat and unaware way, is oblivious to them and doesn't listen to discomfort cues. Nagi gets the "stop hugging me and hanging onto me!!" experience with Shion being clingy to him, if you'll recall. Nagi having to be so direct makes sense, especially when you know as a viewer how Natsuki regularly disregards Syo's boundaries. Natsuki needs very direct communication when there's an issue, often even to be shaken a little unfortunately. Nagi and Syo actually do have some parallels, as we'll see later~
But yes so- Making Natsuki think about why he's blocking out some memories and feelings brings out conflict within Natsuki, and Satsuki immediately comes out to take over the situation.
After the first meeting that ends with Satsuki walking out, Satsuki says this, and we have our first hint that Natsuki and Satsuki's wishes differ. We also see how bothered Natsuki is that he doesn't remember why he quit the violin- at the holes in his memory. He alludes to his loss of memories again with Syo— It seems he's thinking very hard about it, about why he can't play the violin, why he feels the way he does and what to do about the duet.
I could yap so much about this specific scene- This scene, this bit, is what first caught my interest with Natsuki. He's not dense, and he's not as in denial as we first think- Now that it's been brought to his attention, he can't help but feel that something is escaping him. The mood is so… Introspective and quietly sad, it's surprisingly gentle for all the inner turmoil he was probably going through- how serious we rarely see Natsuki be.
How he looked at his diary saying "Since everyone is working so hard, I'll do my best too!", and then he stares into the wall— And how when someone enters and says hey, his face completely changes into a smile to make pleasant conversation with him and underplay all his current worries. Others to Natsuki are escapism!! Smiling at others, having others smile at him distracts him from his problems! As he regularly expresses, others being sad is more upsetting to him than being sad himself.
This moment is especially meaningful with what Natsuki says later this episode:
By spending so much time alone in silence, thinking, he's confronting himself and growing. He gets not one thinking scene, but TWO!! BACK TO BACK!! It's implied he spent all evening thinking!!!! This is serious to him.
"Thinking?"
He says this here after he gives Haruka his coat, after she asks won't you be cold. And Haruka tells Satsuki that he's the same later: both Natsuki and Satsuki are very self-sacrificial people. Satsuki devoted himself fully to protecting Natsuki, and Natsuki prefers caring for others than spend time within himself, so to speak. He likes being around others, noticing their needs, being the one to raise moods, focusing on bright happy things. When I say that Natsuki is a people pleaser, it's because like how he says here, others being happy makes him happy, others being happy is more important than him being happy, and maybe that's why Natsuki was fine to go along with just about anything Nagi wanted for the duet- which is what ticked off Nagi first.
This self-sacrifical attitude they share is also reflected in how when Natsuki and Satsuki have a talk later this episode, the first thing Natsuki does is thanking Satsuki and apologizing to him, "I put all my pain on you", which Satsuki disagrees with, despite it not being entirely untrue.
BUT we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves!! So after the first meeting failed, Nagi did research into Natsuki, his history, so he'd be prepared to talk with Natsuki better. For him, it's a bit like a plot to unmask, as if Natsuki is trying to play Nagi for a fool. So he plays the viola to make Natsuki think of how good the song would be, maybe even almost as a sort of challenge- and then he asks again, hoping to get an answer, why not? Why not play the violin? And since he did his research, he knows what points to bring up to get answers.
He asks about a concert and Natsuki again has no clue, and Satsuki gets triggered into fronting and this time it gets violent. Nagi taunts him, and it can be argued whether the table-shattering punch Satsuki gives was really intended for him or missed on purpose [This is something that can mostly only be argued in the anime- as he never lands a hit and usually mostly tries to evade, walk out or run away]. Either way, Nagi seems in control and almost jubilant, feeling like all the cards are finally on the table- but Satsuki walks out again. This time again he chooses to remove himself from the situation, nonconfrontation, after threatening Nagi so he would keep it a secret. Nagi seems genuinely surprised, and even worried, at how things end.
It's notable that Satsuki started fronting before his glasses fell from his face. When Starish puts glasses onto Satsuki after this, Natsuki doesn't front, we'll get back to that later. Satsuki also says that "he won't stand by and let Natsuki get hurt anymore", implying that he's holding onto fronting more here as opposed to before.
AND THIS!! THIS SCENE!!!! Made me lock in. Essentially, Satsuki puts his foot down and declares Natsuki won't be continuing the duet project on his watch, and Starish tells him to put more faith into Natsuki's strength.
Satsuki doesn't confront issues, not really- his plan is always to survive situations until he can get out of them, get out of them as fast as possible, and avoid them from every happening again or have conflict by isolating himself and Natsuki- nonconfrontation, despite the fangs.
But that's what Nagi hates. Face these choices you have to make. You have to claim agency, or your music will lack something.
Satsuki's goal is to avoid conflict, it's why he closes himself off, why he wants Natsuki to do the same, why he monitors Natsuki and allows or disallows him to do certain things or keep certain company. It's why he walks out of upsetting situations, and it's why he tries to get Natsuki to stop the duet song or stop meeting with Haruka in the VN, because of the potential of hurt, because of his aversion to conflict or any possibilty of triggers.
It runs against Natsuki— who wants to be open and friendly, who wants to befriend and get closer to people he likes, who wants to get stronger, who wants to challenge himself.
Speeding through the rest a bit, we cut to a scene of Natsuki giving his all on stage, and then him talking to Haruka in the vibe of a meeting, telling her he wants to play the violin for the duet, and how he wants to, essentially, face his issues more- and we see Satsuki shocked by this. Natsuki has proved Starish in the scene prior right, and Satsuki now has to reckon with that.
It's notable that both Haruka and Nagi tell him not to push himself too hard, either! It's not only Satsuki looking out for him. This is truly of Natsuki's own will, and we saw the whole process of him thinking through this, earlier, we know how serious he is about this, it's not a thoughtless whim.
We cut to Nagi getting told by Eiji to be more considerate, and we get more insight into how Nagi wasn't ill-intended. I want to remind here again that Nagi is a child star, still only around 15 years old in this episode— This is the environment he grew up in. Rather than being spoiled, I'd say it's more accurate that Nagi asks nothing short of excellence from his projects, from himself included- and when he saw a problem with his coworker, that he couldn't play an instrument he was incredibly good at for his performance for an unknown reason, he came at it from a business perspective rather than an interpersonal one. How much has the industry asked of him? We know Raging's bar is very high and unforgiving.
The betrayal Natsuki faced is something that Nagi should have become wary of as well: in this industry distrust is safety, the same thing that makes Satsuki so intense (distrust) is what makes Nagi look deeper into Natsuki's words and choices. Nagi is unpleasant, but he's earnest and faces issues head-on, nothing he does is deceitful, he just thought he had to twist Natsuki's hand by unburying some history to have an open conversation- something that Eiji reminds him was clumsy at best.
Then, we see Satsuki at night finding Haruka to tell her he'll allow Natsuki to continue the duet project.
And so then at the next meeting Natsuki declares wanting to play the violin to Nagi, but Nagi turns it down, sensing he was "half-hearted". Keeping Natsuki's feelings in mind more yes, and putting his own on the table as well, saying that the project is important to him so he wants to do it right. He wanted to sing and play with someone fully set on giving the best performance- he wants Natsuki to sort himself out first, wants both sides of his coworker to want to work with him on this. Personally, I think this was great growth from Natsuki and Satsuki already, but Nagi is nothing if not a perfectionist I suppose.
And then it's Satsuki's turn to think and confront himself.
We see one first scene where Ai interrupts Satsuki's moment, sensing he wasn't Natsuki, and when asked how, he says this.
Then Ai tells Satsuki to take care of Natsuki's feelings- Something that Satsuki reflects on in the next scene: What are Natsuki's feelings? Has he been respecting them?
He also tells us what happened with the violin and concert- His violin instructor he felt very close to stole Natsuki's original song composition and took credit for it, and the betrayal shattered Natsuki. Satsuki recognizes that Natsuki's grown past what he wanted to admit, and he ends the scene recognizing how much support Natsuki has around him- support besides just him, just Satsuki.
The thing about dissociative identity disorder is that it is yes dissociative- It categorizes and isolates memories, puts it behind walls for an alter to keep safe. The burden of trauma becomes shared- and this is why system is a fitting word, because alters tend to have a role, they're meant to support one another and make surviving and thriving easier. It's a very existential disorder to have by design, once you learn of it there is a lot about yourself to think about and reevaluate, and even moreso ask yourself- how do we go from here? The answer is different for every system.
But we can understand how… Important this is. And how terrifying rethinking it all must be for Satsuki. Of course, plenty of alters don't make protecting each other (or in this case the host) the whole purpose and meaning of their life, but Satsuki has very much gotten it stuck in his head that that's the only thing he exists for- the only thing he should do or think about. I felt a lot for Satsuki this episode because Satsuki, who in his own words "knows what Satsuki needs the best" gets told and shown that no, he didn't understand Natsuki- and that's like world-shattering I need you to understand, for Satsuki that's saying that he's been going about his life's goal the wrong way and that he's been wrong about one of the most fundamental things of his world view, INCREDIBLY upsetting and humbling. He becomes lost. How do we go from here? Natsuki's being confronted by his trauma and they both have to reckon with things changing.
This is something that Utapri wants us to sympathize with, that ultimately Satsuki was misguided but he's a very hurt and lonely person who did his best, and who was never allowed to be loved himself, always the guard dog that only came out for the unpleasant things and never to experience the nice pleasant sides of the world.
Case in point, after reflecting, the next scene is Satsuki and Natsuki meeting in a nice sort of headspace dimension at the beach… Put a pin in that, beaches are important to Natsuki and Satsuki- and Ai and Aine for that matter.
They talk, and Natsuki speaks with clarity as if he knows everything, a stark contrast to Natsuki having no knowlege of Satsuki and his trauma prior. This is where he apologized for pushing his pain onto Satsuki, and this is where Natsuki says what's in the screenshot that opens this post: While you [Satsuki] were taking care of things, I was asleep somewhere warm, free of worries.
The transition of Satsuki talking with Haruka to Satsuki talking with Natsuki happens almost seamlessly, but since the next scene is Natsuki waking up (taking some time before putting his glasses on, calmly), we can assume that the Natsuki-Satsuki conversation happened during his sleep.
He says this below, and then Natsuki perform their duet song Grown Empathy together, and then roll credits… Ah yes, and one last shot of his journal that I'll show much later.
People tend to be very harsh on Nagi because of what happens in this episode and… I think that's missing the point.
How insensitive of him! Asking him if he wants to play the violin? Doesn't he know all these things about his condition and life that Natsuki keeps a secret?!
Natsuki 10 minutes later: "You're right, I'll do it, I'll play the violin with you :)"
Because while the episode definitely says that Nagi went about it in a very clumsy way, the episode is about how it's good that Natsuki received a push, that because of Nagi he grew, and that that growth is something that was good for Natsuki and that Natsuki wanted.
The whole episode's lesson is that Satsuki needed to learn to let Natsuki be more independent, to shelter him less, because he was tougher than he thought, or rather tougher than he clung onto. Satsuki is asked to grow in this episode as well, but the matter of whether or not to confront conflict on his own was Natsuki's choice to make, and one he took instead of having Satsuki restrict his choices for him.
Natsuki did not mind playing the violin after thinking through it for some time. The song they sing is called Grown Empathy and that's after we see Nagi get told "be nice with the guy you're trying to befriend!! :)" and them working together and!! I think it's clear that we're meant to be forgiving and try to understand Nagi, especially since he tried to do it for Natsuki— Let's try to mutually understand each other, that's what Grown Empathy means, that's what happened between Nagi and Natsuki, and between Natsuki and Satsuki, and Haruka and both of them, even between Starish and Satsuki.
We'll be going deeper into it later, but both Natsuki and Ai's plotlines center a lot around the idea of not shying away from relationships even if they can hurt you, that they're still worth the risk of opening your heart to people and love, and that extends to Natsuki and Nagi too I think. Natsuki and Nagi both trying to harmoniously work together takes courage and strength, even Nagi had to be vulnerable doing something he's not used to- treating someone more with the attitude of a friend than a business partner, interpersonally rather than professional, feelings-led problem solving & communication rather than business oriented logic-led. That can be another parallel too, the way Nagi doesn't have friends and is bad at opening up. Nagi was clumsy in expressing & showing that he wanted to get along with Natsuki, and Satsuki was clumsy in expressing & showing that he just wants what's best for Natsuki.
Natsuki had to want to get stronger, but Satsuki had to let go, too. The strength to face the world and being ready to love even if it means discomfort sometimes. This isn't strength that you nurture with your fists, but with your heart. As corny as that sounds, it's true!!
And even now the sunlit introspection scene is still my favorite, when he stared into the wall. It's just so… Real to me.
Because Natsuki during the meeting just sat there and went "huh? Um that's…" and we see how being at a loss for answers really rattled him. He hates being helpless. And Satsuki jumped in at the first sign of the mildest argument like Natsuki is as fragile as wet toilet paper, exactly like in his words, "fragile delicate Natsuki".
Honestly I'd be sitting in a room lit by the sunset while sad blues plays wondering why I have no control over my life too. Lowkey it must feel isolating to be so coddled to the point you don't remember things that you feel you should and people expect less of you even when you're trying your best not to be.
Will he ever have agency? To what degree is he complicit in the sheltering he's being stifled by? My mind gets racing with such questions in this scene.
The feeling that an alter is sheltering you? That they're maybe holding back your personal growth, and that you have to come to a solution together? Incredible. It's an interesting scenario to ponder whether at face value or on a metaphorical level, Satsuki is an alter but he can also represent a family member, a friend, or a part of yourself that you need to soothe.
A popular headcanon for Eiichi and Eiji is that faced with their father Raging's abuse, Eiichi as the older brother protected his younger brother so Eiji could remain more innocent and happier, and I could see similarities with Satsuki and Natsuki's dynamic then, although the more interesting part here is the overprotectiveness having grown counterproductive, in this case maybe more similar to Syo and Kaoru's dynamic, where Kaoru wants to shelter Syo because of his illness to the point of taking away from Syo a lot of things that give his life meaning to him.
Personally, I can relate to having been made the caretaker of my brother, so I admit that I understand the mix of resentment and overprotectiveness Satsuki has with Natsuki...
But this, this specific dynamic Natsuki and Satsuki have, is a very fresh dynamic that I've… Rarely seen like this; it feels surprisingly earnest. Like okay, full disclosure, my favorite love interest in Destiny Ninja 2 that I was into at the tender age of 12 was Shiroya, the protector-persecutor alter being obsessed with protecting the host is a trope you can find here and there for sure—
But this is the difference between Natsuki's VN route and the anime episode to me. In the anime, Natsuki's conflict largely remains internal and we get glimpses of it. In the VN same as in Destiny Ninja 2, the growth of the character comes from their lover being a support for him— something I'll talk about more later.
But in the duet episode, it's all Natsuki. It's all Natsuki making steps from his own will after Nagi prompts him to think more about it. It's not a prop for romance, Natsuki's growth is given importance and interest on its own merit. It feels… Like it gives more agency to Natsuki and Satsuki, to me— This is something between them, Satsuki was making a lot of choices for the both of them himself, onesidedly, but Natsuki decides to go inward and confront these things that had been easy to ignore before. Why does he forget about events? Why can't he play the violin again? Why do his emotions lead him by the leash? This isn't made to be about Haruka and I love that, even when the anime does point out how important it is to have a supportive circle with Starish.
And then… It's tempting to assume they merged/fused, after all Haruka tells them they're the same Shinomiya-san to her and all just before, but… While they definitely merged in his route, here it almost feels like it's less that they merged, and more that just… Natsuki realized he has DID, and now as he said Satsuki'll "fall asleep" and take a rest for a while. Integration. And it's true, realizing you have DID is a very tumultuous thing, but it's also healing, it kickstarts a new journey of growth to work with your alters and realize new things about yourself. Merging often feels like it's considered the "natural conclusion" to the arc of a character with DID, the alter is "in the way", which is of course harmful and reductive, and rather unrealistic. "We'll be together forever" is a common line to signal merging in media, but integrating rather than merging is still in line with how they spoke to each other, imo.
Natsuki's arc was reclaiming agency of himself by confronting his trauma and learning to know himself better, not by "growing past" or "beating" his DID. Satsuki is a misguided ally that Natsuki had never spoken to, not an enemy or obstacle.
And Natsuki drops hints that he very much remembers Satsuki at the end of the episode- it wasn't just a moment of clarity in sleep that he forgot like a dream. Why Natsuki's "I'm me" is such a mic drop moment is in good part because he's quoting Ai when he spoke to Satsuki, which implies that now he (faintly or otherwise) holds memories that were Satsuki's, the memories are now shared. He may still be in a hazy inbetween but slowly he is claiming full responsibility for his own pain and is proud of it, wants to take on that challenge and whatever it brings, and wants to ease Satsuki's pain too— He wants to be the strong one for a change.
Having this last piece he needed given by AI— who had to learn much of the same lesson in his own route no less: to live and forge your own identity is to accept you will feel pain but that that is life and it is worth it. Crazy. Shakespeare…?
And then he namedrops Satsuki as Sacchan to further show he remembers him— But just how much does he remember? Did he remember all his trauma, will it come to him slowly, or maybe it's still a memory locked within Satsuki that he may or may not ever get? The ambiguity adds to it, I think, I love it.
On my first watch I'd assumed Satsuki had merged and left more memory holes than not, and I found it crazy to imagine the aftermath of it where Natsuki doesn't remember a lot of stuff but Satsuki is just gone and this is his life now, and he feels so alone and meek but he is growing, he is growing………. Which is more than he was allowed to do for a long time, for what he's been hungering without knowing. For conflict and growth.
The mood is bittersweet, to put it mildly.
It's heartwrenching!! It's a deeply human plotline! We've all had to struggle with facets of this, one way or another. We've been a Natsuki and we've been a Satsuki.
Inside of you there are two wolves!! And you have to try to befriend both, try to inspire both to be healthier and happier.
And hold on hold on this is where the post truly becomes a clusterfuck, because I'll start referencing his Repeat route. I'll be quoting instead of using screenshots for mercy on the 30 images in one tumblr post limit, but I'm using the script translation by Shiningwonderland. And this is my general warning as well that we'll be getting into more potentially upsetting territory- But I try to warn for the more intense topics.
To start off, it's not only a theory but explicitly stated in his route that the trigger for Satsuki fronting isn't the anime logic of losing his glasses- it's losing his glasses and seeing blurry- It's fear, a sense of danger and being unsafe. That's the trigger, and doesn't it make so much sense?
Satsuki Shinomiya: "I appear when he is mentally burdened. I protect him from harm. The reason why I appear whenever he removes his glasses is because his heart becomes unstable from his blurry vision. He’s so sensitive that he’ll switch even from something like that."
So again, I want you to remember that when Satsuki doesn't front even when Natsuki takes off his glasses in the anime or in his route, it's not just because he decided so or because he found inner peace, it directly symbolizes that Natsuki is ready to face his fears. NATSUKI IS READY TO TACKLE A BLURRY WORLD!!! A world that isn't clear cut, black and white, where even good things like relationships may hurt, where even hurt is worth it and may even be valuable. Natsuki is ready to tackle a blurry world, afraid or unafraid, either way it has to be.
Like Utapri is insanely good no???!!! Like hello????
In this way his glasses become a symbol of his clinging onto cushiness. This "clinging" is more implied in the anime, in Natsuki's "sorry I pushed all my pain onto you, I slept in here all comfy in the meantime", whereas it's very much more highlighted in the VN, with Natsuki admitting he was aware while Satsuki was fronting and saw everything he did that was wrong on his behalf but was too afraid to step in, and Satsuki's demeaning of Natsuki that doesn't go contested for quite a while because it only stops being true (later than) halfway in.
I like how complex Satsuki is, but he does feel in line with a couple DID alter roles, notably the protector and persecutor. The two being similar is more common than you think, the persecutor is even often considered a subtype of protector, because the label is more about effect than goal (but everything about DID tends to be very debated especially categorization, this discussion might be interesting to give a look to if interested. Again, doing your individual research is encouraged). But it makes sense, hear this— it's a very common attitude, it's not unique to DID alters at all, it goes like this:
trauma happens -> seeing everything as a threat -> self-sabotaging because it's hard to open up again + stagnation and comfort feel safer than growth and hardship to get to a truly better place + if you're alone at least you can't be hurt + by focusing on his one only goal ever (protecting Natsuki) Satsuki gets a very black and white of "I am accomplishing my goal. This is good" vs "I am not accomplishing my goal. This is bad" that strips the complexity of things, strips away the anxiety of "is this good or bad" into certitudes, so you can have artificial stability & satisfaction and ignore the rest— feel safer. Which especially when you're in an awful unstable place it's a survival coping mechanism that works, right, but it becomes a hindrance when gaining better living conditions. So even though it's by harming the system and people around him and by talking down on Natsuki authoritatively, Natsuki's goal is protection.
SO AGAIN!! NATSUKI BEING READY TO TACKLE A BLURRY WORLD WITH NO BLACK AND WHITE!!! BEING READY TO LEARN ABOUT THE WORLD ANEW!!! It's such a huge thing man I love his arc.
Satsuki is an alter who wants to protect the system and who does so in harmful ways because he's misguided about what safety is or how to achieve it. As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. IRL too, the best way to deal with a persecutor alter is through communication, both you yourself as a system and others interacting with said alter.
What cuteness means to Natsuki & the importance of Syo
But okay okay don't take my word for it, about Natsuki wanting to grow stronger and more determined, let's get into the route. Natsuki's desire to become stronger was my favorite thing about him in the anime, and it only makes sense that it's my favorite thing about VN Natsuki too— But the VN makes Natsuki much more flawed, I think, and the ways that his desire shows are pretty different. My favorite thing about Natsuki's route in the VN is the importance of Syo.
Hear me out-
So right away, during the classic Repeat parkour course that Shining makes his students do very early on, we get a lot of confirmation about Natsuki's fixation on strength. He has a strong desire to protect others (Like Satsuki in a way!) and he tends to sacrifice himself so Haruka doesn't risk suffering herself, early on.
"No matter what hardships we face I will always rescue you."
/
"What really hurts me is… I’ve made you worry about me. If only I was stronger… I wouldn’t make you worry about this so much. I can surely overcome any pain and hardship if it means sharing a dream with you…"
/
"I can’t do that. I can’t afford to run away… when you’re being held hostage."
/
"Because I’m weak, perhaps I may not be your knight. Please, let me pretend to be strong for you."
And when he gets hurt, gets shocked by anime-level dangerous electric eels, the route mentions how he has incredible pain tolerance and willpower. Like he says in the anime, even when he's the one hurting, others' pain is sadder to him, even if it's sadness on his behalf: "I’m all right. It was just a little shock… Nanami-san, don’t look at me like that."
Natsuki neglecting himself like that is why he needed someone who cared after him like Satsuki. Since Natsuki only focused on others, and no one focused on his own needs, Satsuki came to be to be the one to do so. It's ironic that Satsuki would be similarly self-sacrificial then for Natsuki's sake. A self-sacrifical ouroboros. Others <- Natsuki <- Satsuki <- no one...? It's unabalanced, it's no wonder that Satsuki was in such crisis all the time.
Satsuki's central belief is that the world is too mean, cruel and dangerous for someone as nice and sensitive as Natsuki. It's why Satsuki acts the part of the villain "so Natsuki can remain safe".
But the point is, Natsuki admires and envies strength.
You know who is strong to Natsuki? Syo.
You know who is weak to Natsuki, and Satsuki? Natsuki.
Natsuki Shinomiya: "But… Syo-chan’s so cute when he’s angry. He’s cute because even though he’s so small, he’s always giving it his best!"
It's subtle, but what Natsuki's saying here is that he admires Syo's strength of character. He admires that even though Syo is so small, even though he has all the reasons and excuses to be weak or fragile including terminal illness, instead he's brave, he's earnest, he's confrontational and gives his best to everything.
And who is that in contrast of? Natsuki. Natsuki wants to be and do all those things, but he doesn't have the courage to, yet. He wants to avoid and flee conflict instead, as we'll see.
"He’s cute because even though he’s so small, he’s always giving it his best!"
To a degree, being cute to Natsuki is an affirmation to the exact thing that Satsuki can't believe: that you can both be cute and exist, that you can be cute and thrive, that you can be happy and whimsical and not get beaten down for it, that nice things can bloom and live even in a harsh reality, that you can be strong while still having weakness, that he doesn't have to become cold and closed off. Cute things are comforting and inspiring, they lift his mood, they inspire him to do his best.
LIKE???? ISN'T UTAPRI SO BANGER???? I feel like a tinfoil hatter but am I wrong? Utapri is so good aurgh don't mind me I'm having an angst attack. Being cute is inspiring to Natsuki because to him something being cute means that you can give your best even when you have things stacked against you, you can be small and still be strong- you can be trusting and not have that taken advantage of.
And okay, that isn't much to go from on its own about him and Syo, but then it loops back around to this scene below is what makes me ILL. ILL!!!!!! They brought this back in the most evil way. I'm not even sure how to build up to it, because of how huge that scene is… Satsuki interlude it is.
So, in the VN. Natsuki and Haruka get closer as you would in a shojo romance, but I'd say around the halfway point in his route which is pretty early, Natsuki confesses to Haruka. She hesitates but since idols dating is forbidden she pushes him away, literally physically, and with that gesture, from then on Satsuki starts fronting all the time.
Haruka cares a lot about Natsuki, and is worried about Satsuki as well, so despite everyone treating Satsuki like the devil, all scared of him, she repeatedly seeks him out and inquires about the both of them, making Satsuki gradually (after a lot of persistance) open up to her too. But where it gets dicey is that Satsuki is dangerous, Satsuki does hurt people. We'll go into it more later, but everyone is scared of Satsuki, and it feels over the top but it's justified at least in part, because Satsuki does get violent. Satsuki threatens assault on Haruka several times, including being wildly inappropriate with Haruka right after she just rejected Natsuki without her consent.
In this scene below, Haruka brings Satsuki somewhere where they can talk despite everyone telling her not to, and she tries talking but Satsuki pushes her to the ground and pins her down, as usual, and it's not quite.... gotten truly violent yet? But of course, there's an underlying threat all the way through, that he may or may not act upon but still threatens- and Syo comes barging in, kicking Satsuki off of her. Then this happens.
This scene is triggering for many people, and it was very intense for me as well. It's the final fight of the route so to speak, the apex of tension and conflict in Natsuki's route. And I want you to compare these two last moments I showed, these last quotes. Understand the earth shattering angst, the irony-
Natsuki admires Syo for being strong, something he laments that he wishes he could be to protect Haruka. "Even though he's so small, he's always giving it his best!" Even when the odds are stacked against him, he fights and he gives it his best. Even in front of Satsuki, terrifying Satsuki who can go toe to toe with Saotome in a fistfight, call thunderstorms and punches holes in the walls, Syo stands against him to protect Haruka from Natsuki, despite being so scared he's shaking.
WHILE PROTECTING HARUKA, THE VERY THING NATSUKI SAID HE ADMIRED SYO FOR IS SHOWN AGAIN. THE STRENGHT NATSUKI EXPLICITLY ADMIRED ALOUD IN SYO IS SOMETHING THAT NOW HAS TO BE USED TO DEFEND AGAINST SATSUKI. THE TRAGEDY.
This is so significant- because as we'll show later running away is what Natsuki does, it's what he laments about himself, why Satsuki keeps calling him fragile and weak; Natsuki tends to run at conflict. He lets Satsuki deal with that instead, and to a degree he does so consciously as he admits later. But even when it's a losing battle, Syo doesn't run.
Syo Kurusu: It’s okay… I just want to say… do your best…
Syo-kun faints.
Haruka Nanami: Syo-kun, Syo-kun!
Satsuki Shinomiya: He fainted after just one punch? What a weak guy…
That Satsuki spits on this strength of Syo's only drives home even more painfully how Satsuki doesn't understand what Natsuki values, just how much they are on different wavelengths, just how little care he has for how much strength is needed to even just stand in front of him without flinching, the way Haruka does as well.
You know who doesn't blame people and instead reacts with endless care and strength of character when someone triggers him? Syo. Syo got better at anger management in his own arc oer the series as well, he decided to grow and then he did. Yet another parallel and inspiration.
Falling to my knees realizing that by the logic of what Natsuki said about cuteness and still standing strong it also applies to Nagi. Might have been part of what inspired him to face his fears and play the violin, even... because of course, Nagi is the cutest in the world- and even smaller than Syo. Syo and Nagi are alike in many ways when you think of it, their very direct confrontational, rude blunt way to go about conflict.
Continuing some of my Natsuki-Syo thoughts because they're honestly a fascinating pair: My favorite thing about their dynamic thing is the insane mutual admiration-resentment.
In Repeat at least, Syo resents Natsuki because Natsuki kept winning in competitions, and even when Natsuki suddenly stopped going to them Syo took it as a slight, wanted to be seen as a rival as much as he saw Natsuki as one. Meanwhile Natsuki wishes he could be as strong as Syo and ?? I guess it comes out as pushing his boundaries ceaselessly maybe because he wants to be friends and is scared of his rejection, and with Satsuki it comes out as aggression- Satsuki also crosses Syo's boundaries, with more menacing intent, nipping his ear and implying things threateningly against his consent (yeah you read that right), to the point that Syo is terrified of Satsuki. So it's this mutual insane admiration AND bitter envy scenario, with anger and fear mixed into it. Satsuki might also get extra aggressive with Syo because of Natsuki's admiration on some level- because if he beats down Syo, he 'proves' that no, willpower doesn't make you strong if you're weak- that way Natsuki stays reliant on him.
There's something to be said about how Syo's treatment of Natsuki and Satsuki might be affected by that resentment he started out with, too. No one takes complaints against big cuddly bear Natsuki seriously, but Satsuki? He can treat Satsuki like satan and he does, Natsuki can be good and Satsuki can be bad in turn, Natsuki is hard to passionately resent, so fully demonizes "the other Natsuki" in turn, may be part of it on a more subconscious level.
So you know how Natsuki is always all cheery and hugging people, and he kinda uses friends and nice things to not have to think about bad things… He says it's upsetting for him to see people sad, conflict is triggering to him so he either avoids it or pretends he doesn't see it.
Well, it's mentioned in his route that he hugs Haruka because he doesn't want her to be sad. And isn't Syo so often in a bad mood? We could link that to him hugging Syo the most, no? On top of his admiration for him, maybe Natsuki wants to lighten Syo's mood, and does what works for himself because he has trouble putting himself in the foot of others, besides wanting to ease others' loneliness.
He might consciously or not be pulling a "It's against your will but I'm being so clingy to distract you from what's upsetting you".
Satsuki Shinomiya: That's why he doesn't want you to get hurt like him... He tries too hard to prove how much he loves someone.
Satsuki Shinomiya: He knows more than anyone else how difficult it is to have someone believe you...
Natsuki-kun... Is the reason why he's so kind and always hugs me because he doesn't want me to be sad...?
Natsuki likes cute things and Syo is confident in his masculinity despite often being gnc and happy in that, and both want to be strong... Natsuki wants to be as strong as Syo, Syo wants to be as good at the violin as Natsuki. Syo hates Satsuki, and resents Natsuki. The competition, the identity issues both ways... It's some wild dynamic to think about, but that's enough for the Syo interlude.
Digging into it cont., route ver
And so about strength and tackling a blurry world... Let's go some more into the trigger for Satsuki fronting and how that's shown through his route, and how his glasses are used as a symbol. A symbol for security, and thus also a symbol for sheltering, and growth when taken off.
That Satsuki starts fronting whenever Natsuki's glasses come off imo is a very good metaphor for how Satsuki fronts when things get rough, how he has a disadvantage and only sees a blurry world warped by his own flawed perception. Satsuki sees threats everywhere, because he only fronts when there are threats. He thinks the whole world is danger, because he's been trained to only respond to danger. He's dealt a terrible hand. He has a thankless role, both literally and figuratvely, where he gets to deal with all the bad stuff.
The trigger isn't glasses or no glasses, but fear. Beyond Satsuki stating it, it's also confirmed by how Satsuki starts fronting even while wearing glasses sometimes, or how in the anime episode him being put back on his face doesn't make Natsuki front again. Sometimes the timing is subtle as well, the glasses only falling shortly after Satsuki starts fronting.
In the VN, the second instance of Satsuki appearing is while they're playing water polo, and the game mentions how Satsuki was struggling to see in front of him.
And the first time Satsuki fronts, Natsuki was engaged in a literal fight to the death, with our darling academy principal Shining Saotome of course.
You'll notice, a lot of parallels can be drawn with this scene and the scene where Syo protects Haruka. It's interesting because this scene happens very very early into the route: Natsuki talks about wanting to be strong and shows his willpower here, but he can't fully stand on his own yet, shortly after this screenshot Satsuki steps in and makes the fight a draw.
Considering that the trigger is fear, it makes sense then, that it's possible for Natsuki himself to take off his glasses without Satsuki fronting. That it happens rather early in the route is impressive then again.
By taking his glasses off while confessing to Haruka and remaining as Natsuki, he's being that strong person he wishes to be, who grew into himself confidently, not needing safety measures as much as Satsuki insisted. He's showing newfound courage and determination.
But by rejecting him, or rather because of the violence of the rejection, pushing him away, his glasses falling from his hands and breaking due to it, his symbol of safety, Natsuki is punished for that and thrusted further into his defense mechanism Satsuki than he'd been in a long time and goes dormant.
IT IS NOT HARUKA'S FAULT!! HIS MENTAL WELLBEING SHOULD NOT BE ON HER SHOULDERS! But trauma brain reacts intensely to rejection, and Natsuki takes that as his cue to peace out and never try anything ever again.
Prior to the confession in another chapter, Saotome essentially diagnoses Natsuki with having "someone else in him", if I recall right there was no name of 'gemini syndrome' used in Repeat, instead Natsuki calls it a split personality, though that may be a translation choice.
For some reason, the rest of the characters really want Natsuki to not know about Satsuki's existence, seeming fearful of what could happen if he did. Certainly, learning that you have DID is a huge thing that often brings about tumultuous changes, but it very much doesn't feel like it's done for Natsuki's sake. Natsuki himself though ligers on the idea and voices that he'd like to look into it, even though the "diagnoses" Saotome gave everyone else were bogus. Like in the anime episode, Natsuki wants to know this about himself.
Because of this, he's brainstorming ways that could trigger this potential other personality in him to come out and thinks of removing his glasses. Haruka and Syo respond with panic, trying to say no no it couldn't possibly be that, at first, but since Natsuki is unconvinced it takes Syo literally threatening that he'd cut all ties with Natsuki if he took his glasses off for Natsuki to relent. Then they impersonate Saotome to tell Natsuki that the diagnosis was wrong.
NATSUKI WAS READY TO TAKE OFF HIS GLASSES… He's been ready to grow and become stronger for a while here, it's everything around him trying to shelter him, not unlike in the anime. Like in the episode, it bothers Natsuki that there may be things he doesn't know about himself.
But at the same time, he was relieved when the impostor-Saotome said he didn't have DID after all. That this was the point where Natsuki stopped trying to get his glasses off makes me think there's still some trepidation, some fear enough that maybe he prefers ignoring, if people push him into an ignorance is bliss mentality.
On paper, this shift from parkour challenge Natsuki being bold and reliable to post-confession Natsuki running away from everything and shutting himself out through Satsuki seems weird and wishy washy, but I think what this might want to show is that from the get-go, Natsuki never lacked in strength, he always had that potential in him, but rather that he believes in himself too little- it shows a lack of willpower and trust in himself, rather than a lack of strength. He loses sight of that strength he values so highly, thinks himself incapable of it, so he gives up and retreats into himself.
He needed Haruka to believe in him as his lover for him to find the courage to keep being strong- he needs people to believe in him. And so, the rest of the route is about inspiring Satsuki to trust things more, including in the strength of Natsuki, like in the anime episode. Natsuki needs Satsuki to believe in him.
Trusting Natsuki comes up a lot in his route. Trusting him to be strong, trusting that Satsuki isn't irredeemable like everyone says, trusting that Satsuki does have Natsuki's sake at heart, trusting that Natsuki will come back even if after the confession he stops fronting for months, trusting that he won't stand you up to the school dance and waiting until Haruka makes herself sick from the cold.
It's a plot point that Satsuki is constantly, automatically demonized to an intense degree. Even just after Satsuki's first appearance after the fight with Saotome, in which he didn't do anything wrong except have massive aura lol. So it's a very isolating situation, to get seen as a danger by everyone straight away, but...
Haruka Nanami: Yes… I’ve talked with him several times now, so I think he’ll understand if I try to be serious with him.
Tomochika Shibuya: Are you actually going to try to talk to him one on one?
Haruka Nanami: …? Yes, and?
Tomochika Shibuya: No, no, no! What’re you going to do if he attacks you?!
It's a difficult position, because it's true Satsuki has shown a more than enough amount of red flags that you SHOULD be worried over even early on, especially if your friend is Haruka and showing little self-preservation and is a bit of a pushover. But also it is true that they've talked many times without it going… horribly…? Well. Sort of. But it is very true that he's getting demonized a ton.
Everyone in the cast except for Haruka is categorically terrified of him. They tell her that he's likely to kill her, and even that he'd raze the academy to the ground. And this because…? Of the water polo? He did leave a dent in the wall from his throw of the ball, and he does act very hostile and threatens to kill people all the time including very publicly in the water polo, but their other interactions were private. Although, they would indeed see Haruka being upset and depressed after interacting with him.
Their fear and apprehension feels taken for granted by the writers. None of them know Satsuki, and he's judged very harshly and othered from the start. It's a vicious circle, because Satsuki does act in an untrustworthy way, but everyone's hostility towards him only stoke his own, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy of confirmation bias. He acts aggressive because he thinks the world is too mean for someone nice and cute like Natsuki, and that aggression is met with suspicion and aggression in kind, so Satsuki is reaffirmed in his belief that he and Natsuki can't be accepted by the world.
Where Natsuki is rather sheltered in the anime, in his route Haruka is very sheltered by her friends as well. Though it's honestly hard to know the balance that the writers intended, since you wouldn't typically make a love interest so... Despicable. They seem to think that Satsuki being "misguided" and "misunderstood" makes up for everything and still makes him likeable, near the end of the route Haruka even tells Satsuki that he has "nothing to apologize for". Satsuki, who threatened sexual assault on Haruka several times and was inappropriate with her and also Syo, Syo who Satsuki punched into fainting and being hospitalized. He has nothing to be sorry for, he's done nothing wrong, you say...? Ah but how could I forget, it's mentioned that Syo's injuries turn out to not be serious as he only has light bruises, "Satsuki-kun must have gone easy on him" they say, that means it's all okay. (sarcasm)
The route as a whole does feel like it's going for the "I can fix him" "only I in the world understand him, he is such a sad misunderstood brooding loner" type of romance and doesn't really have the concept of accountability, only "oh well, he's better now". Due to the several highly sensitive elements in his route, including his horrible actions and him having a disorder infamous for being demonized in media, I'm currently having to walk an insane tightrope of not demonizing Satsuki while not diminishing the very serious things he's done in Repeat, of saying how he needs support while making sure not to guilttrip anyone lest of all Haruka for not being able to provide that, the way that route does guilttrip.
This is just a halfway point reminder to read my character analysis in good faith, and that I do not take the trigger warning lightly. Utapri's writing can be very clunky, including with these last points I discussed, but there's always conclusions you can make even for clunky choices, both in a meta analysis and in a strictly character psychology analysis.
Despite it being such an elephant in the room, I'm trying not to go into details through this post to reduce the chances of being triggering and of inciting debate, but if you're curious about the specifics of these SA scenes I mention to verify my statements I can sadly only recommend you go read his route for yourself. I do not want to have to debate SA.
But ahh we are straying from the central topic of this analysis quite a bit, let's get back on track with more observations. Apologies for having to cram things into the same picture as again the 30 pictures limit forces my arm, but if you zoom you can note some of his famous "I'll kill you"s. Meanwhile the highlighted parts...
ANOTHER INSTANCE OF SATUKI NOT KNOWING WHAT TF HE WANTS!
Isn't it vert interesting how he seems to flip flop? "Move aside. Actually, how dare you move away.", "Let me get into your space and touch you without your consent. Wait, how dare you touch me.", do you want to get closer or not? Do you want Haruka to get out of your sight or not?
What he wants I think, the common denominator, what makes him say and do things so threateningly yet panic when others respond in kind... is control. He has the control when he touches Haruka and jostles her around, but having her hand hold his arm suddenly feels intrusive because it's no longer him calling all the shots then. Demanding Haruka step aside is his plan, but when it feels like she's running away instead that plan feels less secure, she's moving away but not in the way not for the reason he wants, he feels something slipping through his fingers and he panics so he holds her back. Control is in fact a very common theme with him- He manages Natsuki and what he is and isn't allowed to do, who he is and isn't allowed to interact with and in what way, Satsuki wants a highly controlled environment and that's part of him being so avoidant as well, isolating himself and Natsuki so the environment can be more predictable. It just happens that threats is the way he gains, maintains and feels control. It's the same with the SA, as well. It's about power and control.
Threatening others means he's controlling the danger in a situation, he is what others must fear instead of him being afraid of others, offense as defense. Though I do think with Haruka specifically, pride is part of it. Satsuki fears being unneeded and replaced, he fears being replaced to Natsuki by Haruka or by his new friends, but he also fears being replaced to Haruka by Natsuki too near the end of his route.
Satsuki once practices with Haruka, during which he harshly criticizes the song she and Natsuki wrote together from a highly technical standpoint. Haruka replies with "We created this together. I don’t think Natsuki-kun would agree with you…". Which I'll use as yet another point showing that Satsuki understands Natsuki less than he thinks.
And since Natsuki has trauma from his more elite classical music days, I think this could be Satsuki recreating the past trauma of strict lessons and mindsets that Natsuki went through. Having the things abusers said internalized and pushing the system to keep believing them as rules is one of the things a persecutor will often do. Natsuki being as carefree and whimsical as he is can feel like compensation for a past when he was raised very strictly, but he never complains about something like that that I can recall, so this is just theorizing- All we know is that Natsuki likes freedom and creativity in music a lot, and only starts having fun playing the violin again when he starts playing and songwriting with Haruka.
Satsuki Shinomiya: What’s good about Natsuki, anyway? He’s sensitive and fragile… and he immediately runs away from pain.
Natsuki pushes himself practicing to the point of exhaustion several times, he has very high standards for himself, and like thinking through the whole night in the anime we see that he has a hard time locking out after locking in on an issue. Both Natsuki and Satsuki are very harsh on themselves, see themselves for much less than their good qualities. And while Natsuki exhausts himself being an elite musician, Satsuki exhausts himself doing everything for Natsuki when he fronts.
Onto the next point. By now, there's not much else to wrap up before we're finished talking about moments from his route, and since we're late in the route Satsuki reveals more and more about their situation. I'll be rapid firing a lot of quotes so you can hear things from his own mouth.
Haruka Nanami: Satsuki-kun, where and what were you doing up until now when Natsuki-kun was the dominant personality?
Satsuki-kun makes a melancholic expression for a brief moment before he collects himself again.
Satsuki doesn't answer it above, but he inadvertently does later on when Haruka asks about where Natsuki is instead. Partly because Haruka earned his trust more, and partly showing again that he prefers when Natsuki gets focused on rather than himself.
Satsuki Shinomiya: He’s in the darkness.
Answering with a low tone, Satsuki-kun’s face becomes stone cold.
Haruka Nanami: Huh…?
Satsuki Shinomiya: A deep… deep darkness… The abyss of consciousness… A loneliness no one could fathom. An escape from all the surrounding jealousy and envy, complete nothingness… A void. A closed-off world where voices from the outside world can seldom reach…
Haruka Nanami: …
Satsuki Shinomiya: … There is no explanation that I can give that could be understood by an average bystander… Is that enough for you?
Haruka Nanami: … Yes. Thank you very much.
Satsuki-kun looks like he’s hurt that I didn’t pursue any further.
Will Satsuki-kun go back to that darkness once Natsuki-kun comes back? The thought pains me.
Satsuki repeatedly describes himself as Natsuki's shadow. Hence, he was never destined to stand in the light. "I’m his shadow… I’ve taken on all the burden for him this entire time so he wouldn’t experience it…"
Satsuki Shinomiya: ... I won't hand over Natsuki to you. Never...
satsuki shinomiya: If I do, I'll...
Haruka Nanami: Satsuki... kun?
Satsuki Shinomiva: ... It's nothing.
Satsuki Shinomiya: .. Don't come out... Do you want to be hurt again...?
Satsuki-kun suddenly clutches his chest and his face contorts.
Satsuki shinomiya: ... I won't let you get hurt. That's why I'm here.
Satsuki Shinomiva: I'm the only one who can protect vou, for eternity.. Isn't that right, Natsuki..?
Satsuki Shinomiya: Say I'm right...
He murmurs to himself with a stifled voice. He looks as if he's crying...
Despite Satsuki doing his best to mask that, he is in fact a very lonely person. He wishes he could be known and cared for, too, somewhere in him that he doesn't like to acknowledge. Like near the very end of the route, which I'll show in the quote below right after the two next ones.
Satsuki Shinomiya: … I don’t need your pity. You should only be worried about him.
Haruka Nanami: … Satsuki-kun, are you worried about Natsuki-kun too?
Satsuki Shinomiya: I’m his shadow. Of course I’m worried about him…
-
I squeezes Satsuki-kun’s hand.
Satsuki Shinomiya: What are you doing…? I’m not Natsuki. You should do this for him instead of me.
-
Satsuki Shinomiya: ... Maybe all I've wanted to do is to hold you like this, claiming that this is all for his sake.
Satsuki Shinomiya: I... can't blame Natsuki. Before I realized... I fell for you too....
He looks at me in the eyes and gently kisses my forehead.
He embraces me more tightly.
Haruka Nanami: Satsuki... kun. My... arms hurt...
Satsuki Shinomiya: I don't want to disappear... Haruka... I've actually always wanted to be with you...
Even though he's so close to me, his voice is so faint that I can barely hear him.
Satsuki Shinomiya: ... Can you be mine for just this moment?
Satsuki Shinomiya: ... I want to keep you to myself, even for a short time....
He buries his face in my shoulder. I hear his breathing next to my ear, as if he's quietly trying to hold back his feelings.
It's as if he's communicating to me with no words.
Satsuki Shinomiya: Haruka... don't forget... that I existed…..
This is the first and last honest display of emotion from this strong man.
No, he's not as strong as he seems. Satsuki-kun is scared.
He's scared that he'll disappear without a trace. That is the equivalent to death... It's nothingness.
He's very... Selfless in this, when it comes to Natsuki, despite the presence of jealousy too. The self-hatred is often palpable.
Satsuki Shinomiya: I see. I thought that you would say, “Please disappear for Natsuki’s sake.”
Haruka Nanami: Why would I…
Satsuki Shinomiya: I’m the one who has caused this situation. I say I want to protect him, and yet I’m putting him in danger.
Satsuki Shinomiya: And yet… I can’t disappear. If I do that, who’s going to protect him?
There's some debate as to how exactly Nasuki felt towards Haruka throughout Natsuki's route. I think... It's easily confusing, but the truth of the matter is that it's complex, simple as. Haruka represents a turning point in Natsuki's life, one that can spell either doom or bliss with very little inbetween. She's a threat and she's salvation, and both Natsuki and Satsuki oscillate between fearing and craving that, despite Natsuki wanting to trust her and have good faith all up until the confession gone wrong. Satsuki explicitly says that his first thought on Haruka was that she resembled the teacher that hurt Natsuki, and he thought she'd be the same as her and hurt him too.
Similarly to how Satsuki both prioritizes Natsuki's sake above all else and resents him a little for it.
Like... Earlier, the thing in the anime episode that really stuck out to me first is the point they made about how Satsuki DOESN'T know Natsuki by heart, he DOESN'T always know what's best for him. Of course that must sting so so much and be hard to accept and augh Satsuki wanting to UNDERSTAND what Natsuki sees in Haruka, because he wants to feel closer to Natsuki, and because it's hard to Not Understand who he should know the most. That plays into it, too. it's such a hodge-podge, but isn't that what makes him fun to dissect.
Satsuki Shinomiya: I'm Natsuki's shadow. I exist just for him. That's why I hated you.
Satsuki Shinomiya: I felt like you were taking Natsuki away from me... as if I was going to lose my reason for being...
Haruka Nanami: That's not true....
I open my mouth, but Satsuki-kun grabs my arm and smiles softly.
Satsuki Shinomiya: But before I knew it, I was always watching you. You have endless faith in others, you're honest, and you're too nice for your own good. You always seemed so vulnerable.
Satsuki Shinomiya: I just couldn't hold back from trying to protect you... I... must've been drawn to you.
-
Natsuki Shinomiya: I think, after that point, I couldn't trust people anymore. I loved you, but I couldn't truly trust you.
-
Satsuki Shinomiya: He’s been betrayed over and over… No matter how much he wants to believe in people, he’s unconsciously always on guard.
Satsuki Shinomiya: That’s why he doesn’t want you to get hurt like him… He tries too hard to prove how much he loves someone.
/
Satsuki Shinomiya: He’s so weak… and is so quick to run away…
Satsuki Shinomiya: And yet he pushes himself for you. He overworks himself all for… you…
Satsuki babies Natsuki, but it's out from immense empathy, shown here yet again.
And speaking of! It's trauma deets time. Again, Natsuki was very close to his teacher and he showed her his original composition, that she then stole and claimed as her own and got the credit for, traumatizing Natsuki.
The kanjis for Satsuki's name are 砂月. 砂 means sand.
Satsuki's very name is a symbol of the trauma that he is trying to burry. He was born because and for that trauma and he will never be allowed to forget about it. His name is a double edged sword, it is the hope and image of that sandcastle and it is the way that that sandcastle disappeared and left him too.
Satsuki's name represents that sandcastle I'm gonna lose it. It is SO explicit.
Satsuki Shinomiya: I’m Satsuki… I’m just a fleeting existence that will be washed away in an instant once the waves come.
Implying that Satsuki's beauty is in the moment he disappears is foul to me, but if I good faith interpret it... A sandcastle washed away by a wave, creativity and hard work all gone by the morning, like a swiped composition stolen away from you leaving it with nothing. In this way, Satsuki does represent healing: This sentiment of it's beautiful even when/if it leaves/because it isn't eternal, is in line with a core issue of Natsuki's, the problem he was having during this arc of his route: Natsuki has to enjoy making music, not just want the polished finished result of it. Music is beautiful because it's a temporary performance with a beginning and an end, and above all, it's an art that's fun to do. Like building sandcastles.
Trauma is a horrible thing, loss is heartwrenching, but it brought Satsuki to Natsuki, it enriched him and causes growth in him.
Satsuki Shinomiya: He’s more emotional than anyone… but he doesn’t know how to express that normally. Music is the only way he can express his emotions.
Satsuki Shinomiya: I have taken on all of his negative emotions, and yet…
Satsuki Shinomiya: When he met you, he changed… No, he tried to change. Despite being a weakling, he tried so hard to change.
Satsuki Shinomiya: Can you believe that Natsuki…? Makes me laugh…
Tears well up in his eyes as he speaks.
He should be happy that Natsuki-kun is becoming stronger, but he must be lonely that Natsuki-kun is drifting further away from him.
-
Satsuki Shinomiya: Even so, maybe I wanted to keep existing until the end...
Satsuki Shinomiya: I’m Natsuki’s shadow. I exist just for him. That’s why I hated you.
Satsuki Shinomiya: I felt like you were taking Natsuki away from me… as if I was going to lose my reason for being…
And again I think maybe this is why I personally prefer the anime- because the anime is also about Satsuki fearing he's losing his reason for existing yes, but not because of Haruka- because of growth and Natsuki. Both are compelling in their own unique way though, of course. I personally just thing Repeat was much messier and laser focused on making Haruka the center of Haruka's whole world, which is interesting in itself too.
Satsuki Shinomiya: I was born solely to protect you from everything that could hurt you… And yet at some point, I…
Satsuki Shinomiya: I ended up becoming someone who only brings pain and sadness to you. I am deeply sorry for that.
-
Satsuki Shinomiya: … Maybe I can leave him to you… I’ll give Natsuki back.
And it's a sad way to put it, but he does. He leaves to make space for Natsuki once more.
Natsuki comes back for the final time of the route and he's here to stay, Satsuki having merged with him offscreen. And he does admit what I said earlier, that he was "conscious" while Satsuki was fronting, and had some level of resistance he could show. Hence that power dynamic for control that Natsuki and Satsuki sometimes have, and Natsuki wilfully using Satsuki as a way to avoid things. And again, you can see how his route places all the importance on Haruka as a lover.
Natsuki Shinomiya: I've been watching you this entire time.
Natsuki Shinomiya: I pretended that I wasn't aware this entire time when I was trapped by the darkness.
Natsuki Shinomiya: But... your voice cut through the darkness and reached me.
Natsuki Shinomiya: Your confession... made me so, so happy.
Natsuki Shinomiya: I wished to free myself and hug you tight...
Natsuki Shinomiya: But... I was too weak to escape the darkness.
Natsuki Shinomiya: Even though you said that you love all of me, and I feel the same way...
Natsuki Shinomiya: I love all of you... My chest tightens just from thinking about you....
Natsuki Shinomiya: When I discovered that you feel the same way about me-that we're connected by the same emotions, I gained the courage to free myself from the darkness, and yet...
Natsuki Shinomiya: I made you wait this long. I swore to myself that no matter what, I would protect you…
Natsuki shinomiya: I'm so sorry that I'm like this... l'm...
And when I say he's nonconfrontational, that he runs away or goes along with things easily, etc... This is what I mean.
Natsuki Shinomiya: Haru-chan... I've always ran away from music and even myself. I would turn my back before even putting up a fight.
Natsuki Shinomiya: But this time it's different. I've decided I'll fight for myself... and for you.
Natsuki Shinomiya: I'm still scared, of course, but I have you...
Natsuki Shinomiya: That's why I can fight with all my strength without holding back. I'll definitely make my dream come true!
Natsuki-kun gently takes off his glasses.
Natsuki Shinomiya: Wait for me.
Natsuki-kun hands me his glasses.
And yet...
Natsuki-kun raises his face, his eyes shining bright.
Natsuki Shinomiya: I won’t run anymore.
There’s a strong will behind Natsuki-kun’s eyes that wasn’t there before. This is true strength. True kindness.
Wanting to be strong is the strongest and bravest thing natsuki could do. Satsuki's sacrifice is the bravest thing he could do, too, which is deeply tragic.
Natsuki's route is about having strength to stand on your own. Strength to stand earnest and vulnerable.
Natsuki's route, just like Ai's, is about finding something worth fighting for, worth changing for, worth growing strong and free for. Free of limitations and trauma.
"You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on Earth. You are here to risk your heart."
In one sentence, Natsuki's route:
Natsuki Shinomiya: But I wanted to protect you even if I may get hurt. I wished to be with you.
Love may end like that sandcastle but it's fine. It was there and it was beautiful, there is beauty in it
It's about trauma and letting go. Having the courage to be open again after horrible hurt being done unto you. Having the courage to be cute and weak and trusting.
To love is to be vulnerable- to be open to feelings is to be vulnerable, to have the potential for hurt. Both Satsuki and Aine are people who recoiled from that, wanted to be protected from that fact of life, becoming closed off, and both Natsuki and Ai were the ones who wanted to become open again, to enjoy life fully, dragging Satsuki and Aine along kicking and screaming.
"Can you handle it?" "yes."
Natsuki became strong. They did it.
The Ai interlude
And hence what I meant by my title- Sharing the burden of dependency. The "kicking and screaming part", I mean.
Because dependency is where Natsuki & Satsuki and Ai & Aine's relationships maybe most heavily differ, because Natsuki's dynamic is codependent whereas Ai and Aine pretty much don't want anything to do with each other yet are forced to be stuck to impact each other deeply, Aine being onesidedly, forcedly dependent on Ai.
But how do you grow, then? When someone else's sake is deeply intertwined with your own? It's harder to account for two, for two different set of needs and opinions and feelings, to act as if the same course of action is the best as both of them, that one's will is the both of theirs. Natsuki's route starts this dialogue, and Ai's route ends it.
The solution with Natsuki and Satsuki is to confront things and talk it out and to agree on what's best for the both of them together, while the solution with Ai and Aine is to confront things and to agree to disagree and seek to be as separate as possible. The difference is that where Ai Aine can actually live separately physically, Natsuki and Satsuki will always have to work together. And both are okay, and both are valid. No duos are the same.
Dependency, that's the burden, not each other. That is, sometimes, the shared weight.
Personally, I wouldn't like the conclusion of how Satsuki ends up much… If it wasn't for Ai.
If Natsuki's story is about the theme of "going through discomfort is needed for positive change but it's worth it", then Ai and Aine's story is about "going through discomfort is unavoidable to live life but it's worth it".
Ai's story in All Star is about fighting to be allowed to experience life, both the good and bad parts of it. Let me... Try to summarize and explain.
There's this sentiment from a show I really recommend called Pantheon: "Nostalgia is a virus".
Ai is a robot and artificial intelligence. He wants to experience feelings, he's a very curious person, and more and more he wants to discover what the world has to offer, what experiences he can have with Haruka's help. Over the route he... Falls in love with living, with what it means to have feelings and hold things dear instead of seeing everything coldly, singing with emotion rather than machine calculation.
But to understand Ai's situation, we first have to know Aine Kisaragi.
The elevator starts moving. I'm sure it's moving downwards.
It brings us to a gloomy place.
The professor touches the heel of his sandals, and a small light turns on, lighting the path ahead of us.
We pass through a long corridor. Opening another series of locks, we reach a place that looks like a repository.
A low-frequency buzz can be heard, coming from all directions.
We quickly realize that the persistent noise is being produced by walls of computers, each as tall as an average person.
"It's like a computer mansion," Shinomiya-san mumbles.
Professor: Be careful not to step on that cable over there. It's quite literally a lifeline.
Haruka Nanami: Ah-okay.
Various cables are stretched out around our feet, all of them leading to one place.
Haruka Nanami: Mikaze-senpai...?
A single person lies inside a transparent case.
Natsuki Shinomiya: He looks just like... Ai-chan….
Professor: The spitting image, right? He was the model, so that's a given.
Androgynous and well-balanced features. White skin that looks almost translucent.
And…
Haruka Nanami: …Indigo-blue eyes…
The person lies motionless with their eyes open, sightless, looking straight into the air aimlessly.
Syo Kurusu: What... kind of condition is that? With his eyes open like that... he doesn't look like he's sleeping.
Professor: Yes, it's different. If I had to name it... I'd say he is "closed off."
Professor: This is Aine Kisaragi. My nephew, the idol who vanished.
Professor: As well as… the one who is Ai's limiter.
Haruka Nanami: Limiter?
Professor: That's right. Most likely, he is the one blocking Ai from singing your song.
Aine was a rising musical talent, but he was very depressive. He got hurt so much by feelings- so much that he sort of noped out of life and got into a depression-induced coma? The details of how he got into a coma are left vague in Ai's route, (though I hear that in the anime suicide attempt through drowning are more explicit) but they make it sound like a choice. He just... Shut down. On the beach.
Which is also relevant because Ai's route has this whole Little Mermaid imagery- the fairytale one where the mermaid turns to foam after using her voice to protect her love.
The little mermaid has a beautiful voice, but gives it up to experience life on Earth, to experience that world.... And he falls in love there. But ultimately she gives it up for what she thinks is right.
In Ai's route, this motif comes in because Ai is given his first actor role, which is difficult because he's a robot who doesn't understand love, and The Little Mermaid is a romance. It's extra incentive for him to open himself to learning about feelings, and he grows more receptive and more understanding to it through the route, a better actor, who never once stops wanting to give the movie his best.
But yes, Aine is saved in the nick of time by his uncle, the Professor in charge of Ai's robot project, but he's still in a coma.
He didn't have any external wounds either. They examined his whole body and took all the measurements.
It wasn't an organic problem. In other words. they couldn't find any problems within his body in itself.
Professor: we concluded that he might be closing himself out from the outside world.
Haruka Nanami: He is… closing himself off?
The professor nods silently.
Professor: Aine was an extraordinary person who was highly sensitive. However, that chipped away his ability to control that sensitivity significantly.
A one-of-a-kind idol.
Great sensitivity is the source of an idol's charm. But for him, it was agony.
Professor: Human relations, abuse and slander, conflict and dispute. Additionally, when it comes to work, conditions such as budget and time influence a person too.
When something can be handled easily, we might call it a pain and brush it off.
But for him, each of these things became a burden he couldn't bear.
"This is what society might call a 'weak' person," the professor adds with a bitter smile.
Natsuki Shinomiya: ...
Shinomiya-san lowers his gaze and crouches down, patting the outside of the case holding the body.
Professor: Additionally, he was entrusted to act in a difficult role at that time. This might have caused quite a few problems.
Even if such circumstances weren't the direct cause, he could have cut off his own emotions in order to protect himself from further shifts in his heart.
That's what the professor thinks.
So fast forward a bit, Shining Agency sort of commissioned and funded a project to make a robot idol. The professor used it as an opportunity to model his nephew who... as far as the general public knows, went missing. Not officially dead.
Ai knows nothing of this. Because again, the whole robot project is a secret to the public in the first place, and as far as the official reasons for the project goes, there's no mention of Aine Kisaragi. He's an experimental robot idol, and that's all there is to it as far as he knows.
During the route, Haruka makes Ai experience more and more emotions, which he wants, but experiencing emotions- especially love- makes him overheat dangerously. A meltdown does happen eventually- when he sings the song Haruka wrote for him on a beach after an aquarium date, staring at the sea, it makes him feel a lot.... Aine suddenly comes out, taking over Ai's body just to have Ai stop and have a meltdown that makes him shut down, saying "Stop feeling! Don't force me to feel!".
Ai Mikaze: No... Don't touch my heart!!
Haruka Nanami: Mikaze-senpai—?! What's wrong?
Ai Mikaze: "Mikaze….?"
"Mikaze..." No, that's not me... "Aine... Kisaragi.. Aine..."
Aine..?
Senpai's expression distorts.
Ai Mikaze: Stop... stop it...! I didn't want to feel any emotions anymore. And yet, inside my heart... something is stirring, it's all a mess...
He grabs onto my wrists as he speaks.
Ai Mikaze: I'm begging you... don't move my heart any more. Don't sing that song. I don't want to think or feel anything!
Ai stops being able to sing, after he wakes up. Sooo.... Haruka, Syo and Natsuki do some sleuthing and confront the professor. It turns out, for the professor Ai was mostly made to be used as a shock therapy, exposure therapy sort of tool for Aine- he made a mental connection between Ai and Aine and put a cap on Ai's emotions so through Ai learning and experiencing emotions, Aine would also slowly get reintroduced to them and get sort of mentally stimulated.
Haruka Nanami: But what does that have to do with Mikaze-senpai...?
Professor: Just at that time, I was researching whether robots could develop emotions.
Haruka Nanami: Was that the research that would lay tne roundations tor Mikaze-l senpai's existence?
Professor: Yeah, that's right. I wanted to save Aine somehow... So I thought of connecting him to Ai.
Syo Kurusu: Connecting... Aine to Ai?!
Professor: Yeah. Ai would start learning emotions just like a newborn infant. I thought that might let Aine empathize with him.
A way to make two hearts empathize with one another.
Emotions that awaken in Mikaze-senpai's heart: and the resulting reactions in his body are quantified and sent directly to Aine-san's brain.
That way, the events that Mikaze-senpar experiences can create empathy.
Then, the president said to make Mikaze-senpai an idol.
Mikaze-senpai started working in an environment similar to Aine-san—in the entertainment industry.
Professor: Slowly, I'd make him experience emotions, one step at a time. If possible, I'd let Ai study positive emotions like joy and happiness.
Professor: This world isn't just painful. It's a place where we can find happiness. If I could make him think that, then…
Professor: … wouldn't Aine wake up? That's what I believed.
Haruka Nanami: That's short-sighted…
He speaks of our dear Mikaze-senpai as a tool, so I object.
So all the overheating preventing Ai to feel and live was actually mostly an effect of Aine's turmoil, of being forcibly connected to Aine and the pushback he offered. Ai would have no trouble learning and feeling as much as he wanted if it wasn't for the professor controlling how much emotion he's allowed or not allowed to come into contact with, because he's filtering them for Aine's sake.
When he brings you onto an elevator that gets you down, down, down into the basement and... There you see rows upon rows of computer towers, and at the center of them all, a pod- a coffin-where lays Aine-... The mood is very grave. Creepy even if poetic- The lifeline imagery, the everything, the cloning... Ai was created for Aine, as a tool for Aine, his purpose is Aine, and just the layout of the room already tells you just how much his literal life and identity centers around it- or is supposed to, anyways. By design. Aine's pods connected to Ai's computer towers because they were made and meant to be linked, holes driven into Ai's physical body to make place for Aine.
Professor: Even for us humans, among all of our emotions, affection is something complex and intense.
Once again, the professor looks towards Aine-san inside the case.
Professor: It entered Ai's system this year. It was too complex of an emotion for him to cope with, so he became unstable.
Senpai previously complained about fevers. That must have been a part of it.
Professor: Besides, Aine cannot cut off the emotions he receives through Ai. That's why Aine resisted.
Professor: At the beginning of this month, when we brought Ai back to the lab, I was surprised when I saw it for the first time. It was definitely Aine.
Natsuki Shinomiya: T-then, if we just separate them...
At Shinomiya-san's remark, the professor shakes his head.
Professor: …Except for that one thing, everything is going well. The fact that Aine is resisting in itself can be seen as proof that he's waking up.
He then looks at me.
Professor: I want to let Aine return. Let me keep them connected.
Syo Kurusu: Hey... you mean...!
Professor: I know that I'm not in a position to say this! I'm also very grateful since you all let Al grow.
Professor: Please... It's a miracle that these two have aligned so well this time!
The professor cuts Syo-kun off in a serious tone.
Professor: Human life is limited. If I had to redo the process again from scratch, we'd run out of time.
I can hear a distressed tone in the professor's voice and find myself unable to answer.
Haruka Nanami: What will happen to Mikaze-senpai? Will he remain unable to sing like this?
Professor: If he continues to overload himself with emotions in this state, the worst case could be that his system might crash.
Haruka Nanami: So it's not just about singing... At some point, we won't be able to be together at all anymore?
The professor nods.
Professor: Can you take Ai into consideration and….. distance yourself from him?
Syo Kurusu: You... how dare you...!!
The professor riding very thin ethical lines rn...!! Sounding like a desperate villain who lost sight of the path of light and is pushing things beyond reason...!! Ai might die the whole thing might fail but "Aine resisting could be seen as a good sign...!! Please let me keep them connected I want him to come back. Also stop seeing Ai."
Okay sure put the man who wanted to forget his past and stop feeling because it hurts too much and the robot who wanted to learn how to feel in handcuffs together, then what......
While this post is about Natsuki and Ai, Triangle Beat is real and Syo is important to both their characters for a reason. While Ai and Aine parallel Natsuki and Satsuki, Ai and Aine's story similarly parallels Syo's because Syo is terminally ill and disabled, with his heart condition that has put an early death estimate on his life and causes dangerous seizures. Syo, too, fights to live and experience what he can to the fullest. He was coddled and sheltered, hospitalized over and over again, to the point that Syo in his route fears Haruka knowing, and hates being treated like glass above all else, hates worry over his sake. Like with Ai, he was held back and isolated, with things and activities he cared about taken away from him, in order to "protect him" from his own condition, to prevent him from shutting down no matter what, regardless of Syo's own wishes.
Syo and Ai also have very similar "i don't want to die!" moments...
Satsuki Shinomiya: … Don’t come out… Do you want to be hurt again…?
Aine is more like Natsuki than Satsuki, funnily enough since Aine's the one defensive and closed off. Aine fronts when triggered, too, and that trigger is emotions yes— but he's more like Natsuki, in that he wants to avoid and slumber when things get hurtful, again to Natsuki's own admission.
In Utapri's philosophy, both with Natsuki and Aine, what happens when someone is pushed beyond their limit is that they shut down, both emotionally and physically. They want to no longer feel and keep themselves in a comatose state willingly for example, their body shuts down into a deep, long and uninterrupted sleep. Or, they seek the comfort of darkness and oblivion inside themselves. Shutting the world out, in both cases, fleeing from it, needing a break.
And Utapri is deeply empathetic to this metaphor for burnout and mental health issues, and in Natsuki's route it encourages you to try opening yourself again to life by warning what may happen if you cling onto closing yourself off, while Ai's route encourages you by showing all the rewards of opening yourself to what the world has to offer instead.
What happened to Aine was what happened to Natsuki, but then over his route... Natsuki became more like Ai. Because Ai, too, like Natsuki, like Syo, strives to be stronger, wants to hold onto life with his whole palms and not let go.
You could argue all day which of them three represent this ideal the most, lives it out the best, but in my heart that title goes to Ai easily.
So what happens next? What does Ai do...?
Lots of turmoil keeps happening, but eventually Ai and Haruka find their way back to each other and Ai confesses to her. And he shortly has another episode, so Haruka ends up telling him about Aine because she's so so scared for him. AND HE GETS SO PISSED.
It all happens offscreen but he runs back to the professor's, confronts him, then goes into the basement to disconnect himself from Aine forcefully- Some internal battle we're not privy to happens where Ai and Aine interact- and in Ai's words, they eventually come to some understanding, after a while of being passed out on the floor...
But this was never meant to happen, and by disconnecting like this Ai damaged his systems and triggered his security measures- and now all of his data/memory is being deleted with nothing anyone can do, and he has a limited time before he, or at least he as we know it, dies. Will they even be able to recover his system data? Not sure yet, but his memories are supposed to be an entire no-go.
Ai doesn't regret it, though. So he and Haruka enjoy the time they have left together... Lots of grief is already manifesting. And then comes the time for Ai to sing Haruka's song in front of an audience and win the contest, finally with lyrics, him finally being able to sing it with all the feelings it evokes in him.
Ai Mikaze: I don't want to disappear... I really don't want to disappear! I want to stay with you forever and ever.
But... as long as I can leave even a few memories behind, that's enough. I'll leave the proof of my existence in you.
Winter Blossom, the song about snow being ephemeral, snowflakes melting, yet still being beautiful yes, the bittersweetness of it all. The song he wanted to sing so so much that he risked everything for it. For the freedom of singing your own song. As he goes up on stage he knows he doesn't have much time left, his body is already overheating from the strain of running himself- but he goes up, and he sings.
The little mermaid sings for his love and gets turned to foam... He comes back down the stage and he dies in your arms.
With the ocean in the background, the mermaid prince wishes for the heroine's happiness and offers her a song. This is the scene where he turns into foam and disappears.
He dies. He really does.
And then, well...! What happens depends on which ending you get but Haruka mourns him. He's gone, and his songs become less played on the radio after a while, and Haruka gets reminded of how everything fades with time, etc etc.
And then, he comes back... A year later, or even more. After you'd given up on hope, but he's back, and the endings don't give you the opportunity to bask in that really, you get a sliver of him and the credits roll. You know that a happy ending is on the way for them together, and that's enough even if you don't quite get to see it. You have to trust that the good will come. Mourning him is inevitable and happens in every ending, every timeline, but in every timeline he does come back in a way, also. Things fade and things change but love once came and it will come back again.
The conclusion of the talk with Aine during the internal battle went something like "I'll be watching your song performance. Inspire me to want to feel again, maybe you can". The consensus reached with the Professor too being like, you have to give Aine time and he may recover eventually.... But that trying to force it was bad because it was just being destructive to both Ai and Aine.
Ai Mikaze: When I cut the connection, I met Aine.
Haruka Nanami: You met him...?
Ai Mikaze: Yeah. Deep at the bottom of my consciousness. He was afraid of waking up. Moreover, he is someone who is full of emotions.
Ai Mikaze: That's why I told him that he should take good care of them, since they are what I had eagerly longed for.
Ai Mikaze: Lastly, he promised to listen to my singing. I believe when he listens to that song, it will change him somehow.
Haruka Nanami: So, that's what happened... Thank you for telling me.
Ai Mikaze: I was truly born to sing. Singing was my life's purpose, and nothing but a means to achieve a goal.
Ai Mikaze: But you know, my will to sing your song is the very first dream of my own. In order to achieve it, I needed a free heart.
Haruka Nanami: Your own dream...
Ai Mikaze: Now, I'm free! From now on, I'm free to feel and think whatever I like.
Ai Mikaze: Finally, I get to live my life as myself.
-
Professor: Ai told me that we don't have to force Aine to wake up. He should have the strength to wake up by himself.
He said: "What else can we do but believe in his strength?" —Can't believe Ai was the one to tell me something like that.
Haruka Nanami: ...Mikaze-senpai told me that he met Aine-san.
"Seems like it." The professor says with a nod.
Professor: For humans, there are times when they want to run away and times when they want to rest.
I became so desperate in my deed to save Aine, I never thought about everyone else's feelings.
I hurt Aine, Ai, and also you. For that, I'm sorry.
Everyone's feelings...
Haruka Nanami: But... I believe that having someone who is waiting for you must be a truly wonderful thing.
You wanted to help wake Aine-san, and I don't think that those feelings were futile.
So please, just wait for him.
DO YOU SEE!! THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING SOMEONE WAITING FOR YOU! THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SOMEONE CAN AND WILL. Natsuki "Please, wait for me to be ready.", Haruka "Please, wait for Aine to be ready.". Wait for him, believe in his own strength, in his own recovery.
AND DOESN'T IT ALL HIT SO HARD, KNOWING THAT AI TRULY REALLY DOES DIE FOR HIS FREEDOM AND DREAMS OF FEELING. To die for your love of life... Isn't that just the way. The Ai way, the Syo way, the way that Natsuki aspired to being strong enough for.
WINTER BLOSSOM being about the impermanence of things IS SO….. WAUGHH considering the whole disappearing thing...
Also insane considered the ending in his route where they comment on the ephemerealness of idols and their popularity, how Ai's hit songs stop being listened to as much after a while, especially on radio, even while Haruka still mourns him and thinks of him all the time… Like snow melting. But it was still beautiful while it was there, it's still worth remembering, and Ai gets tribute memorial concerts.
He is the foam he is the winter blossom... He melts right after blossoming. Just like Otoya's cicada motif, digging through the Earth for a long time only to see the sun for a short moment before dying, the temporary nature of fame...
And yet. And yet.
As soon as he uses his voice, he's fated to disappear into foam. In spite of that, he continues to sing.
It's worth it. It's worth it to feel and it's worth it to care and it's worth it to live and to love.
So yes, beach imagery is important both to Satsuki and to Ai. One is sand and one is seafoam, meant to be washed away by the waves.
Snow White in the glass coffin in a deep sleep surrounded by people who mourn her loss, versus the Little Mermaid, because agency is the name of the game.
Indulge me a short Ai song rambling interlude......
My ultimate song I associate with Ai (from my Spotify Ai playlist hehe) is Reasonsnotto. The things around the song are already great, it has this jellyfish motif on covers and the album is named Nascet, for one.
As someone once put it and I have never been the same, this song is 4 minutes of a robotic voice desperately trying to speak. Its voice modulates and screams and attempts to form syllables, words, sentences, fails over and over again but keeps trying, tries its best to be legible, heard, understood, it's a need and it's a struggle. And it's a fight of trying and trying. And then when you get to hear it, it's gentle, it's simple, and so so so emotional. Cathartic... He tries and tries, until it's able to!! Until it speaks the couple of sentences it wanted to say so badly, and things calm down for the finale.... And what is it that it says?
I am all that I've been / I want more than a moment / I want a future
This to me is the finale/climax of Ai's arc. Claiming his identity for himself even if it's hard, even if it's painful and he has to risk so much for it, it's his death scene, it's singing that song because music is the thing he was made for, the only thing he truly has, this form of expression, this form of experiencing and communicating emotion...! It's accepting that he's a robot but also not letting it define him, it's a part of him that has become his own will, it's his voice, not just Aine's.
It's not only this freedom, cathartic struggle and expression part of his arc but also his conclusion that it's all worth it if it's to live, to live now and have a future he can be happy with later.
Reasons Not To, as in reasons not to kill yourself. Reasons not to give up. You struggle to say it, and to feel it probably, but "I want a future". Desperately. Wail with it. You struggle to parse the other things they say, the other reasons, but there's one that gets through crystal clear. You want a future. He wants a future. He wants a future!
I am all that I have been... I am more than my design...... I want more than a moment, I want a future...............
Thought having a robot boyfriend would mean he's immortal? Haha! Think again! His system is experimental and has 30 issues
If there is a time machine, would you rather travel to the past or the future?
I prefer the future. I don't want to go to the past and I don't have that much past to go back. People may say time is finite, but I think good thing about time is it has an end.
THAT HE WOULD SAY THAT MEMORY IS PURE....? FROM AI MIKAZE'S MOUTH? SORT OF LIKE THIS LAST SONG, THAT HE WOULD JUST CHOOSE..... ACCEPTANCE? AND SEE THE CARE EVEN IN THE WORST PARTS OF HIS LIFE, THE SHADOWS THAT HAVE LOOMED OVER HIM FOR ALL OF IT, THAT HE SEES PURE CARE AND BEAUTY IN REMEMBERING AINE...? Memory is pure... Aine memorialized with love, Ai respecting that memory, knowing of it now... I want more than a moment, I want a future...
Even his damn haircut is so meaninful. Why would a robot gravitate towards asymmetry? Did he choose it himself? Why that pick?
Finding some satisfaction in what isn't symmetrical, isn't perfect down to measures, isn't in complete order 😌 breaking out of bounds and expectations, just a little...
Ai, choosing an asymmetrical hairstyle, because it feels right despite it being wrong by any measure, because he likes it, and because he's taking control of his identity.
-Abruptly stops laughing to lean into my seat, hands folded to look serious- How fucked up do you think skipping childhood to go straight into being the most knowledgeable and competent person in the room would fuck someone up. Ah... What's that I smell? Could it be a Nagi parallel? Child star that has to be locked in to be respected and handle his contracts to not be taken advantage of?
We're almost at the finish line stay with me
Natsuki is in a similar situation as Aine, even if Natsuki's want of bravery is contrasted with Aine only wanting a moment of stillness and comfort, where they needed someone else to live, in that way. The difference though, is that Aine needed more time, whereas Natsuki needed more freedom. Natsuki, like Ai, had to want to change himself first, badly. Aine did not, like how Satsuki did not, and both wanted to keep the status quo. Whereas Satsuki is forced to adapt, Aine is allowed to recover at his own pace, if he ever does.
Whereas Satsuki, merges, fuses, opens himself to Natsuki fully- Aine separates, disconnects, retreats into himself, finding his own agency that way. Both find peace within that.
If Natsuki's route is about how being pushed out of your shell a bit can be ultimately good for you long term, Ai's route is about how much harm it can do to have change and growth and recovery pushed onto you against your will or capabilities.
Ai's story is also about strength. About doing what's important to you even if it turns you to foam. About growing into yourself and becoming strong independently, while reaffirming your own identity and right to take up space, right to have wants, right to be yourself and be someone with your own individual thoughts. Both Natsuki and his endless quirkiness, and Ai, born for the sake of someone else. Both Satsuki, who is his own person, and Aine, whose needs and feelings should be taken into account too.
There is no shame in growing strong, healthy and happy while relying onto others. This is simply the path Natsuki and Ai vehemently wanted to take. We were shown a desire for more independence and self-sufficience, and the way that affected the ones closest to them for the better or worse.
Where Ai and Aine's relationship differ from Natsuki and Satsuki is not just one of them who's unhappy or held back by the current arrangement, it's both, it's mutually detrimental in this case.
DID systems work in the opposite way- not that things are all rosy of course, but like Satsuki with Natsuki, DID systems are meant to protect themselves, to be more functional, stronger together, or rather giving each other the baton pass. Natsuki and Satsuki rely on each other willingly and find safety and comfort in that, Ai and Aine very much do not.
I'm getting pretty far from my trying to keep DID in mind so here's my take with Ai, if I had to strictly see it as a DID narrative: Fronter Ai and memory holder Aine, pretty much. Aine being mostly dormant and even when he fronts Ai doesn't notice it until other people tell him that he's been becoming someone else- Ah, another parallel with Natsuki: people around them knowing of their condition but not wanting to tell them right away, controlling if they have the right to now or not.
And then, Ai violently lashing out when learning about his systemhood, and ultimately landing on acceptance and living separate but happy lives. If we made that fit irl, I suppose it'd be... Trying not to share everything with your alters? Live your own lives whenever you front and being content and fulfilled with that, I guess? Which I'm less familiar with the logistics of, but I'm sure can be doable and something that works for some systems.
Or, with a more potentially triggering angle, it reflects an experience a lot of systems have had to go through- having the "original" alter be seen as the ideal end, and alters being treated as a means to "get them back", through therapy forced upon them. Alters having to learn that they're valid, beyond just being a role in the system, as a person- which isn't really something Satsuki got to do, honestly. Both Ai and Satsuki, though, had to tell people not to force Aine or Natsuki to front, for example. A lot of people find comfort in reaffirming their systemhood, while many like to have a more individualistic view of it, and both are valid as long as you find fulfillment and stability through it.
Both... are about integration, i suppose. I do find integration very interesting to explore as a moment in a life because identity crisis is one of my favorite themes- probably why I was so drawn to making this post.
Natsuki's route is sort of about a trauma relapse in a way I guess? But otherwise, integration is the whole narrative of it- making peace with your identity as a system. Meanwhile Ai sort of complements it, I suppose, with themes of finding your identity beyond your system. Of course, a balance of these is typically what's wanted irl.
And it's that importance given to alters' pov... How it comments on that very unique experience of, one being unaware of the other while the other is forced to experience things through that unaware other, and how isolating that is, how suffocating it can be if it's forced on you. Like roommates you cannot negotiate the presence of, or being on the lonely end of a one-way mirror you can't speak through.
I'm not sure how happy I am with Satsuki's arc closer being merging... But to me, what's interesting with how Utapri treats its DID cases and/or metaphors is that the alters are treated as needing growth on an individual level, even when it's hard to have growth that's fully detached from each other, and the pairs do end up growing together as well, but as easy as it would have been to make the "doubles" purely a tool, they were given their own arcs as well. It wasn't only "the original" that had a voice given to them, even if characters in the story did often want to take it away.
Natsuki had to want to grow, and Satsuki had to want to grow as well. Ai had to want to grow, but Aine had to want to try also. Both Satsuki and Aine had the problem of, in a way, sticking tothe status quo and being unwilling to try to change. Utapri is big on the pain of having your identity tied with someone else's and having to work together to achieve an outcome that's healthy for everyone while retaining agency, thus we come back to the central theme of my analysis. Clinging onto comfort and status quo despite it harming you...
Rapid fire extra Natsuki thoughts:
We're done guys yay... Feel free to skip to the short conclusion don below, but hopefully this'll be about the only Natsuki post I'll make lol so let me throw at the wall some other things I found interesting in his route:
Like with liking cute things, and if I single an example out especially the bomb mouse at the beginning of his route (the first chapters do tend to be good at setting their characters and the basics of their arcs), Natsuki is perhaps to a naive degree optimistic. Seeing the positive in things, sometimes obsessively clinging onto them like with Haruka, is maybe a coping mechanism. He wants everything to be cute and aesthetic, like with his avoidance of conflict and automatic reflex to smooth things over, being a bit of a people pleaser that goes along others' wishes like in the collab with Nagi, the vibes of a space or person being at peace is important for him to feel secure, and he values that short term feeling more than problem solving things when there are interpersonal issues. So he pushes, and blazes ahead obliviously being very cheery, or he blinks and is confused, or Satsuki starts fronting.
On that front, his tendency to go along with others' wishes and anything happily... In a way satsuki is overcorrecting on that. For someone very selfless like Natsuki, Satsuki's presence is necessary to make sure Natsuki doesn't erase his needs entirely. But beyond asking Haruka for gestures of intimacy, Natsuki is so very resistant to the idea of having needs or having had sad things in his past that his brain had to have Satsuki so Natsuki could remain ignorant to them and keep living that way. Going along with things, like how he went along to people's wishes and schedules for him, like how it's implied he ran away after his teacher's betrayal and didn't try to get any justice at all. Satsuki's problem solving is also about running away and isolating yourself through the bad, after all.
Which is ironic yeah since Natsuki is very confident. He does like taking up space, he just needs that space to be something useful- he needs to be someone who'll cheer you up or someone who's useful by being good at music, and he needs reassurance that he's doing those jobs well, needs to believe it himself or he spirals.
But for example, he thinks it's a waste to not show the charms that you have, like with his picking a sexy bathing suit for Haruka in Repeat. Maybe it's satsuki's protection that allows him to be so confident while never really getting hurt? Again, Natsuki's coping mechanism is ignorance: if he doesn't acknowledge Syo telling him to stop clinging or calling him cute, then things are okay.
Communication very important to him despite everything, and it's something he loves doing through music, it's when making music that he feels the most free in doing so. Satsuki mentions it in a quote way above, but here are some more lines he has that illustrate this also:
"I don’t want to miss one note of a melody you’ve spun to life. I want to feel all of you. What you have here isn’t just music notes lined up next to each other. It’s your heart… I refuse to disregard it."
"Feel me and my music… Go with your feelings and let the piano sing… That way, we’ll surely become one. We can communicate heart to heart."
He's obsessed with the idea of being relied on, (linked to, I imagine, his fixation on being strong, and his need to feel useful to his surroundings to feel secure in relationships, the way that the teacher wanted his song for herself more thant she wanted to keep her relationship with him positive. He was betrayed before so he needs to have proof someway somehow that he's liked), to a bit of a guilttrippy point. "Am I not dependable enough?" He says in Repeat in the forest, to have her ride on his back.
And then, he ofc has a big insecurity around loss and the past, regaining what was lost (Which is seen a lot in the gestures that he asks of Haruka, to be able to feel like she does like him- like calling him Natsuki, or like having her ride on his back or not refuse his touch). At the end of the day he does have massive enneagram 9 energy with everything he does… iykyk. Hmm, 972 tritype for sure imo
He cares a lot about symbolical gestures. And on that note:
Names are a big thing to him. Seen especially in how in Repeat, he keeps asking Haruka again and again for her to call him Natsuki instead of Shinomiya-san, something she has a hard time doing because calling someone their first name is a huge show of intimacy, and Haruka is shy and likes taking such things slow.
The first thought when this comes up is that he wants to differentiate himself from Satsuki, but by the time he shows this fixation on getting called his first name it's much before he shows any inkling of knowing about Satsuki- But being seen as who he is, him the individual before his family, and what I believe the most personally- like with being very touchy- it's a craving for intimacy. It's that need for intimate gestures that he shows with other things as well, I believe.
Conclusion
Do it scared if you have to, but do it. Bravery can't exist if it isn't accompanied by fear or risk.
By god, be like Syo, stand for what's worth it to you, even if you have to do it shaking.
Even stars, even the sun will die one day. But sunshine, sandcastles, snowflakes, they're all worth living for.
This is a sentiment the whole of Utapri supports, recognizes and accepts: Nothing is forever, and there's beauty in that too. We're all in the present moment for the present moment, forever isn't needed, we're all just cicadas, just sandcastles, just snow, aren't we? We're beautiful. We don't need forever. The music is even more beautiful than kiss, come experience both with us, isn't it so nice to be alive?
The whole of Utapri supports the beauty in the lack of eternity, that is... Except Cecil. AND THAT'S THE TOPIC NEXT BIG UTAPRI POST SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!
EVERYTHING IN UTAPRI ALWAYS ENDS UP FULL CIRCLE!! TRUST TRUST TRUST!! YOU COULD EVEN CALL IT... AN ACT OF FAITH...! Start worshipping Cecil now, all hail Aijima
Personally, with DID narratives, I always recommend Moon Knight! This fansong for it, Man in the Mirror, is written by someone plural about the conflicting feelings while and after discovering you're a system, and I associate it with Ai and Aine a lot, it's even in my playlist for Ai. I also recommend this newer song, Personhood, that I associate more with Natsuki and Satsuki if I had to say.
Ai was my hyperfixation for a while lol forgive my incessant rambling~ but I also greatly recommend Heat Abnormal if you want to get emo
Read the utapri VNs if this was interesting! Even Black Garden has stuff to say about the characters. I heart them all. I know Aine makes a comeback in After Secret, but I haven't been able to read it yet...
Utapri is about mortality and change and identity and that means is death worth it what if my fame is my lifespan what do I do if I fade from relevance after a few hits, can I kill the person I was to become someone I want to be more, can I kill the person I was forced to be and become a truer version of myself, can you kill an idol can you kill a concept, what about memories? Will they outlast you or will you outlast them? And I'm like slow down there cowboy
Thinking about Pantheon again and how what made Uploaded Intelligence able to be stable and avoid code rot is fusing with other people's code. Taking and adapting parts of it within yourself, because to create a new kind of life you have to rediscover how life is about being affected by the world around you, how you become thousands of little pieces of things and others that you've known and touched and loved, because life is constantly moving and changing and decay of what doesn't is the ultimate rule of the world, because life is constant growth. Because entropy.
And how thematically appropriate for a show largely about memory, that the way to attain immortality is through others.
Jade Leech: What Does He Feel? Does He Feel Things?? Let's Find Out!
I'm on a mission to get more mileage out of my Discord yaps so I streamlined my thoughts on Jade, with a main thread centering around some posts (1 and 2 by skyflyinginaction) I saw about how Jade is insecure about needing practice as opposed to Floyd. Puzzle pieces come together surprisingly intricately from there and needless to say I am invested.
So there you have it, a post about Jade, his desire for friendships or lack thereof, and how he may or may not be repressed as all hell, talking about scenes and hobbies and theories. This is my overall analysis of my Jade characterisation.
I'll polish and make a separate post more specific to Trials of Rowmance (ToR) about the family dynamics after this but it honestly stunlocked me, and his card vignette for the event??! Oh I understand why you turned out a little fucked up okayy -nervous giggle-
Jade is so delightful I love how sinister and plotting and scheming he is and how 50% of that is used for evil/dubious at best practices yes but the other 50% is used for the most innocuous things. He is plotting and scheming and manipulating 8d chessing in his mind for how he can get to go to a training camp so he can go hike on school hours.
Because yeah Jade changes if his club, the mountain lovers club, is an art club or sport club depending on what's convenient to him. In the Pomefiore book it's an art club, but in Vargas' training camp event he argued for it being a sports club so his club would have to go because art clubs didn't. It's so funny I'd always thought he genuinely just saw it in a more artistic light enjoying nature like he says, BUT NAYYYY IT was probably in good part so he could skip out on sports clubs having to help set things up for the fest doing manual labor 🧍
I think a lot of Jade's appeal comes from duality— the gap moe, if you will. The contrast between his prim and proper persona and the unabashed dubious devious side it hides. How he dresses in his octavinelle uniform vs how he dresses when left alone (badly). How he concerns himself with manners vs discarding them to be cruel and shifty at will. The manipulation he does to get people into his debt vs the manipulation he does to make classmates come hang out with him and eat mushrooms because it's his hobby. How overconfident he is vs how humble he acts. How slick he is at manipulating people vs how bad he is at throwing off suspicion once it's cast on him- aka once people know he's shady, like, everyone on campus does, he couldn't seem innocent to save his life. Which is something he is somewhat insecure about yes!
He is the masker the maskee. The "nauuu i'm just a little guyyy don't be scared of meee" guy. It makes for an endearing contradiction of a guy!
This effect is noticeable through fans as well not only in-world. Just like how Jade's UM can only be used once per person, and he doesn't like revealing or using it because the person will know and stop trusting him once they know... You trust Jade to be an okay upstanding guy until you look past first impressions, after which he's a suspicious devious guy in your eyes forever. We'll come back to this, put a pin in that— Jade being inconspicuous at first appearance, but once he shows more of himself he becomes someone you put your guard up around.
Many people think Jade is insecure about his teeth due to his expression sprites usually keeping his mouth closed, and him having a line about not liking to open his mouth wide— and I personally disagree with insecure perse, but I do think that that's another show of Jade being conscious of how untrustworthy and creepy he can seem and the whys- like how eels are seen as scary in the sea.
On that note, a great example of how moe that gap can be is when Floyd got a cute eel t-shirt for Jade.
Jade loved the shirt and wore it but then Azul went "that breaks the whole intimidating mystique you need to do your job, you're ruining your scary reputation get that off right now" and so he did. Well, that or "Stop. You're cringe." which I'd argue has a similar effect heh.
But yes like I think we have to notice how… Jade lowkey sucks at what he does? He's dislikeable. Most people on campus do not trust him. In fact, a lot of people are automatically either on guard or scared when interacting with him. It makes me slightly sad like case in point Jade's ToR vignette hello Riddle, Jade is talking about going missing once can you stop meanmugging him. He constantly has ominous slips of the tongue. A lot of people utterly see through him having ulterior motives at any given chance— which often gets misplaced to when Jade is genuinely just hanging out too, not only when he's out and about on a manipulation mission of his.
Jade often masks his intentions or thoughts, but his way of speech is not something he fakes, he just genuinely just Talks Like That, which often makes people distrust his words. He's surprisingly earnest in a somewhat theatrical unabashed way that has people wondering if it isn't played up hence disingenuous, not unsimilar to Rook. Like Cater in Jade's Bonbonnière vignette being weirded out by Jade's karaoke habit— because it's surprisingly wholesome? Jade really comes across as an odd duck, when he isn't hustling at his waiter butler bodyguard job.
Jade having a horrible fashion sense that backfires when shopping with Jack is another instance I'm still debating on what I believe. Because it'd be so comically tragic, but Jade does have a genuine interest for cultures and how things like clothes adapt depending on the people, like how he had to learn human fashion as a merman. Jade does genuinely want to hang a lot of the time, like with Cater in his bonbonnière card or going to a restaurant with classmates at the start of Playful Land or looking for hiking partners, enjoying talking with Kalim in his broomquet vignette, exchanging recipes with Ruggie or talking cuisine with Silver or tea blending with Kalim. Or again, doing various activities with classmates in ToR.
He can certainly do without socialization, but he does express appreciation for it on the regular. It makes every time he gets to hang out feel precious~
But yes yes about Jade sucking at his thing, there's this instance for one example out of many- Here's what we were talking about. Jade's gentleman act works on some npcs and characters like Trey (usually not for long after actually interacting with him lol) but for most it just doesn't, like how Vil in Jade's dorm vignette also knew he had an ulterior motive the second he walked into Pomefiore. His aura has mega sus vibes and he is not good at seeming innocent lol, he could have been cooped up in his bedroom reading about mushrooms all day and someone barges in asking about a murder that just happened and he'd still manage to be branded a high suspect it feels like. He is not as slick as he wants you to think, and Ruggie calling Jade's "noooo, I don't know what you meaaan" shameless also goes back to what I say about him not trying that hard to deny things— or at least not well.
What Jade is good at is talking inbetween lines. Again in Playful Land, I love how he doesn't lie at all with Ernesto's introduction, everything he says flows so well while still being a very clear "okay get to the sales pitch" urging. He's used to speaking in subtext so to speak, something that we'll see is a skill he's gotten from his family.
And see we've put down some basic blocks of my Jade take, here's where we start getting serious.
I need to talk about Rook's nickname for Jade. Monsieur prémédité, or monsieur premeditation in jp. You know Freak recognizes Freak™ because…. I dunno how much premeditated is used as a word in english but it's the same in french, the word literally means you 'meditated' on a topic prior, meaning it was thought through, for an action or decision it means it was planned, and it's almost exclusively used for crimes, especially murders. ROOK IS CALLING JADE A COLD-BLOODED KILLER TO HIS FACE EVERY TIME GDGA....
And of course taking the word at face value that makes sense- because again, Jade does plot a lot. It does happen that he's genuinely innocently just hanging out, but he rarely... Feels genuine. He always has layers of thoughts going on or has a mismatch between them and his expression and demeanor, he usually always has a mask about him, and in the end that always keeps you guessing. Both Jade and Floyd are predictable and unpredictable in their own ways, predictable in their untrustworthiness, predictable in their priorities- unpredictable in when they decide to strike.
So I was thinking about that. Mister prémédité…. The schemer… And meanwhile Floyd's nickname being mister spontaneous. Monsieur spontané. Or monsieur provocateur in jp, as in someone who provokes. They're direct opposites: mister impulsive and mister calculated.
And it's fun to note that this isn't a meta nickname they have— It's Rook, described by Jade himself as an inordinately observant man in ToR, finding these their core traits to turn into a nickname. Meaning that these traits of theirs and the contrast the two have is very noticeable in-world too, not just for fans.
And I was thinking about that analysis I saw about how Jade is insecure because Floyd is such a natural prodigy at everything he does while Jade has to work harder to be competent at something aka needing to practice… Explaining not only his perfectionist streak but also like- since he has less intuitive skill at anything he tries, and how he talks down his UM for not being very powerful, I really can see how he'd have grown to rely on thinking through shit to get the outcome he wants because of all of this, lacking natural talent with tasks and him feeling bad about it.
Because Jade can't wing things. Because Jade has a twin he needs to keep up with one way or another, not get left behind by— Floyd is a genius at anything he attempts, so Jade has to outdo him with extra perfectionism.
He is very conscious of body language and expressions, for one!! He is extremely aware of how he comes across, and not being seen as in control of the situation and composed bothers him!! People can't know he's a loser!! Reputation is everything— something we'll see in ToR is, again, very much something instilled by his family.
In Trials of Rowmance he's the only one from the Octavinelle trio who shows any interest in going at a tourist shop of merpeople goods— We'll go into how curiosity drives him a lot real soon, but I think it's interesting that he would be intrigued by what selection the shop offers— it's again a little about reputation isn't it? How do humans see merpeople, what items of theirs represents them and has a market on land? Not unsimilar to how both Jade and Floyd looove eel goodies and tend to collect them whenever they can (like the shirt or their keychains in their camp cards), because they find it funny how eels are considered cute on land when they're seen as scary in the sea.
Jade always plays off everyone disliking his mushroom hobby but reminder that his dream in book 7 is everyone being like "your interests are so based Jade yes let's follow you on your outings Jade", when Silver compliments his mushroom dishes HE ZONES OUT GIGGLING LIKE A LITTLE KID!!! He's shown to be very humble when receiving praise, undermining the compliments every time with formalities, and despite this he's also shown to have an unshakably high view of himself, but through the times I mention we do see how praise does matter to him.
He can be so cute and earnest when showing what he loves, people just don't clap so he doesn't share his interests as often as he could.
All that mushrooms & mountains & nature & terrariums stuff is Jade's main interest right, and rn I'm struggling to think of other ones he has except messing around with people lol, exploring and gardening and tea blending has a similar appeal to him: The thing to know about Jade is that he has an immense curiosity. He loves odd wacky little things he loves deeply mysterious and complex things he loves people watching and treating anything like an experiment or puzzle AND HE LOVES EXPLORATION!!!
Shoutout to the time he researched the history and uses of the humble barrel in depth because he got curious after seeing one in the sea. Shoutout to the time he went missing because he chased a mysterious light in the sea (it was a toy ring) into a dangerous whirlpool zone.
So you know, his love for terrariums right, let's talk about it. He's said he loves them specifically because he thinks it's really cool and interesting and exhilirating to have full control over if an ecosystem lives or dies.
Growing any plant, there are levels of difficulty to how fragile or finicky some species are over others, and it's the same thing for mushrooms. It's a satisfying challenge. Jade has a marked interest for rare species of mushrooms, and growing mushrooms himself too- he's a regular at the garden. He even experimented with giving his growing myshrooms electric shocks to stimulate their growth! His science card vignette is legendary.
In his broomquet he talks at length about his hobbies- he talks about loving to see mountains in each single of their facets, and about liking tea blending right after talking about liking potionology.… he's on his hobby of having control and having full say on how well something turns out and proving how capable he is again, isn't he?
He's fascinated by little variations having big changes… which is part of why he adores terrariums and experimenting on mushrooms. Yes part of his terrarium interest is just marvelling at the beauty and wonder of nature, which is why the mountain lovers club got to be an art club instead of sports, but it's again that potionology afficionado part of his, that tea blending experimenting urge he has to the point he made up a monologue lyrics about his perfect tea blending recipe while doing karaoke in his bonbonnière birthday card, that want to feel capable and competent and knowledgeable— to learn how to do something as best as he can and then to flaunt it for his own satisfaction, exploring as much of the potential of a topic as he can. Because it's hard, because it's complex, because the ever slight difference in recipe will wildly change the flavor.
He always mentions how he loves surprises— they're stimulating, entertaining, and he's insatiable for discovery. Like how Floyd is a merman super into shoes, Jade is a merman who loves mountains and the nature there. Jade knows about algae, but mushrooms? Jade is the most "I want to see where the [interesting things] are, part of that world…!" Ariel song of them three. The hoarder the explorer, who looked at sunken things and got interested by mysterious human contraptions such as ~barrels~. The one who strives to make himself belong where he doesn't, in such a capable way that even Azul envies— on land, who works hard to be able to walk and to fly and who learns to dance the dances and dress the part despite being so… Odd and unlikeable, for a lack of better words. Like the little mermaid who was weird on land and had to adapt to human social rules, used a fork as a comb. Trials of Rowmance was fascinating on so many levels and part of it was the emphasis on deception— Which we will get back to. Jade meanwhile is hyperaware of social rules and expectations being placed on him because of his upbringing with his family.
People always call him a god complex haver because of it and yes, it is about control, about competency like I said, but also he's just a curious guy, really. He loooves all that life on land has to offer it's fascinating to him. In his ToR vignette a worker at the facility that walked Jade through adapting to life on land talked about how much they wanted to replicate the wonder Jade had through making a nice touristy route, to "wow people to life on land the way Jade was". He's someone who's just as curious if not more than his brother, someone who needs interest and thrill to be kept entertained and happy- and he finds that in "mountain mysteries", and literally having things in the palm of his hand. Much of the vignette goes to show how happy and fulfilled he is, living on land.
Framing does a lot to tinge how you'll see something, if you'll have positive or negative connotations- and Jade's relationship to his hobbies is very much susceptible to that. Does Jade's obsessive want for experimenting and control over small ecosystems and recipes reveal something dark and dubious about his psychology and how he interacts with people? Sure. Is it something he just does to destress after work, smiling and humming songs at his experiments? Very much yes. Tremble before this 17 years old, he will tell you about the shiitakes and the amanitas.
Fungi are neither plant nor animal, but they're closer to being animal. They're a hivemind organism. They're sentient. The largest organism on Earth is a fungus. They allow communication and ressource management between trees. THEY ALLOW COMMUNICATION BETWEEN TREES!! They can solve mazes. They eat through concrete and break through bulletproof materials. Some thrive on and even seek out RADIATION. Fungi are what allowed life on earth, back when even trees were still new. If there is a key to the meaning of life fungi probably hold it.
He loves fungi because they're such a mysterious form of life and he finds having terrariums fascinating because he has the sole control of whether it thrives or dies, by controlling its traits like temperature and humidity…
Again, in terrarium keeping there are wrong and correct choices. The relation between everything is very complex and so is the way that any interaction with it affects it, but in that way it's simple, direct. Very cause and effect. Sometimes, strict guidelines are easier to follow because you know exactly what's expected of you.
To maintain a terrarium is to expertly understand the whole ecosystem of it, every layer to it, all its organisms… It's not only stimulating while setting it up and learning about it, which jade loveees to do it's how he gets a lot of his stimulation like fun and enrichment wise (which is also why he likes psychology-cking people, because it means understanding them and what makes them click and how to play the game to have the outcome you want), but it's also super satisfying and gratifying when you pull it off, you've proven that you're really good at it, you've proven that you understand, in a very undeniable way. It's playing god but it's also kinda just wanting to be part of something while still being outside of it if that makes sense, with a safe amount of distance between you and this ecosystem you're helping, it's fascinating but it also feels good…. You have dirt buddies now oh joy…. You have a part of nature, you are part of it, you have claimed it, even if the earth has never claimed you… You have claimed your spot with undeniable control, over yourself and over others.
HE IS THE IMPRESSIONIST PAINTER WHO PAINTED THE SAME HAY STACKS AT DIFFERENT HOURS OF DAY TO SEE THE DIFFERENCE IN PLAY OF LIGHT!! HE IS A WATCHING THE PAINT DRY ENJOYER!
Point is, he's someone with very intense vibes in general, unless he tones himself down. Talking about his hobbies and why he likes them on its own tends to scare the hoes already.
But him being intense is his appeal... Never stop yapping pookie.... No no wait why are you toning yourself down no-
He knows how to mask and make himself seem less threatening somewhat, dressing nice and formal without a crease and very proper body language and speech etc etc.
In his bonbonnière vignette he expresses how it's harder for him to dress casual than formal, because he's new to clothes, being a merman, but he learned what suits are seen as classy. I want to keep the topic more for my Jade yap part 2 but fashion can also be a means through which you mask- because fashion is about communication and social dynamics. Clothes are a show of status and play a complex role in social perception and as thus wearing a suit and going along the codes for proper manners can be used as a token you can trade to be humanized, "I am a normal trustworthy respectable man, I mean look at my suit".
Jade's "suitably" below makes it sound like... He's not worried about social repercussion on an interpersonal level, but moreso like Riddle, worried about social expectations on a wider societal level. It's not about: it's about propriety again. It's about there being correct and wrong ways to behave in certain social events, like how with specific people there are correct and wrong ways to suck up to them à la dating sim dialogue choices.
But the point we're going into here is Jade's carefully managed demeanor and image, yes, the efforts he put into acting a certain way. And how... It's not necessarily something done with ill, deceptive intent. Have you never behaved more consciously in a way that you thought would make people like you more, or land you that job? Masking can be done as automatically as breathing sometimes, and can be as essential at it to thrive socially.
And to a degree it works because we do see Trey and whatnot have first impressions of "Oh he seems like a chill honest guy, poor him being surrounded by Octavinelle" but like… In that way, that shows how he can be a little overlooked by people? Which is very useful in many ways. I would argue this shows in the fan experience as well— Floyd has a very strong personality even from just a look alone, his expressions his poses his voice- everything about him radiates personality, meanwhile your first impressions of Jade will be much more neutral and reserved. From Octavinelle, until you learn to know him a little, he's the one who I'd say fades into the background the most. Both Floyd and Azul have a very loud presence, and it ends up making Jade pass under the radar when he's toned down.
Again he's someone pretty intense- but he has a difficulty to be somewhere between these two states, too intense or too wallpaper. A ghost along the wall until he steps into a conversation in a way that has people put off.
But also!!! Again with his many contradictions- He doesn't really care about showing his true colors™. It's one of my favorite things about him— When someone is onto his bullshit he doesn't try very hard or convincingly to soothe their suspicions lol, he just goes "whooo? Meeeee? 😇 giggles" and when there's an opportunity to talk about his interest-!!! He will become capital W weird he is a weirdo he will smile and who knows if that frown he does is conscious body language or not anymore, he still acts coy sometimes but he's not like… ashamed of who he is or what he likes or even what he does… But he does get shut down and has what he likes waved away at best 90% of the time so he like. Never expects people to take an interest, right, and he always takes the groans in stride, smiling.
He tailors himself to be palatable and that's largely because he knows he isn't someone palatable to most.
Nor does he want to be— Or so he'd like to think. But dreams don't lie. Even if it's true Jade enjoys conflict (surprises) and would have gotten bored eventually. Jade tends to find people dull, like how he did Yuu at first, and that's part of why he gets a lot of his interest and entertainment from the world instead, discoveries and exploration, or from messing with people rather than simply chatting- because social interactions are rather onesided to him, like interacting with his terrarium to have the outcome he wants, like making life a dating sim with correct and wrong answers to unlock secret routes. Even if underestimating people's intellect and intuition makes him miscalculate sometimes too, like how in his dream it's shown he has a distorted view of Floyd and Azul as somewhat dependent on him. He likes feeling competent, so he enjoys order and things going to plan, but that's a self-satisfaction thing— From an entertainment standpoint he enjoys chaos and things not going to plan, and he sees most people as simpletons, so he doesn't think highly of their chances for them to make for interesting genuine relationships— thinking overly highly of yourself is very isolating in that way. Which is why it feels so good to be proven wrong— to be shown he still has so much to learn of the world, to be surprised— because he feels that lacking otherwise in his life.
I do not think he knows himself all that well gdbdg I think he thinks he's hot shit and then everything else is subconscious for him. The others do not understand the glory of mushrooms? Of course they #DoNotHave500IQ like him ofc ofc
So yes- what I was saying about him not caring that much about showing who he is and what he likes, even if that clashes with what he "should" do, depending on the stakes. Like if he wants to seem cool, he has to not wear the cute t-shirt and he will try to wear it but he gets reeled back, and if he wants to seem like someone reliable and composed that you'd trust he has to not go crazy talking about mushrooms too enthusiastically and he will try-ish but people don't listen for long enough anyways, and well!!!!! Might as well try and be something more than just the overlooked suspicious weirdo….. He will become the hypercompetent cool fancy suspicious weirdo thank you very much, his brains and honed skills are what he's got going for him.
And you know, if we take into account how he's self-conscious about Floyd being a genius at whatever he tries, I can also see how… Floyd typically gets what he wants right, including attention and social interactions and outcomes and items and it's usually by virtue of being loud, like he's very outgoing and often forceful, a go-getter™.
But Jade's not really like that, he has to go through more shifty ways through more steps with more thoughts and, well. Being loud doesn't really work for him in that way. He doesn't get things by being loud and direct, he gets things by hiding his true thoughts, his more genuine self, and being devious. Being Jade doesn't earn him favors, being shifty does.
Floyd's whole thing literally is doing whatever he wants, but Jade's thing is manipulating people with discomfort, or lack thereof.
Floyd doesn't care if he makes people uncomfortable by being unapologetically himself, but Jade sort of… has to? He does plenty of times of course lol, and he uses that more than not, but it's usually in a calculated way besides his aura being sideeye worthy— he's hyperaware of it. Like how he compares himself and Floyd and is aware of the expectations placed on him, like he's aware of what body language and rhetoric to adopt when. Like how he learned to perfectly walk and wear human clothes and hold cutlery.
But having expectations and meeting them is also how he gets his self-esteem lowkey, hence why he cares if he falls behind Floyd, or being the vice housewarden to run a business; again, showing that he's competent matters. We come back to the perfectionism- Floyd can be a prodigy at anything he tries but as for Jade he will prove that he can do anything he puts his mind to through practice, experimentation, trial and error.
But as a result of all of this, his masking, his careful thinking through how he comes across and his interactions, he has that businessman veneer that… Makes it feel almost uncanny? When it turns out he has depth beyond that work mode on.
Which is why he tends to come off as creepy. He's not like Floyd he's not unabashedly undisguised- the disguise is everything he is it's the way he fundamentally interacts socially it's how he gains and keep his self-esteem- but the deception way works for him even it doesn't have malice, he'll have classmates come along to the nice wedding vacation even if he has to remind Rook that it'll be super artful and remind Malleus that he's wanted (ToR).
He does noooot know how to make friends lol for all his alleged psychological mastery. Azul is basically his only friend besides Floyd and even that is shaky, HE'S SO ISOLATED!! He gaslights himself into thinking he's so sigma and so fine about it. He only needs Azul and Floyd….!!! And mayhaps they can let him lead and come on his adventures with him once in a while yes yes. Sighs~ well it was a nice dream!
Like again in his dream, Azul and Floyd go on his mountain volcano treking with him… and after getting a hold of reality Jade is like "Ah right. Azul and Floyd participating with me in my hobbies? Haha how unrealistic. It did make me happy tho ngl".
He does want to be liked, of course he does, he does want to have nice genuine conversations about things he likes and whatnot, but he doesn't have that so he has to make do without it.
Like, Floyd has the basketball club and lowkey his way to socialize works a little gdbdg he has his banter buddies and he dgaf if they tell him to back off after he's had his fun teasing them but Jade…..? He doesn't have a particular bond with any one classmate, the way Floyd has his fellow club members and say, Riddle. Nay…… He has work….. He has the mostro lounge and his terrariums.
Like, I want to drive that home— that's his life. His life is having acquaintances but not friends, working, studying and his hobbies enjoyed solo. He's alone in his club— Despite singing the praises of mushrooms and mountains to anyone willing to listen. He always picks the party room for 50 people when doing karaoke alone for the nice disco ball, comedic level setup to show how friendless someone is lol.
And I will repeat myself a little about how his main hobby is yes just like, he's a curious guy who loves discoveries so nature on land has so much wonders for him, but his main hobby is… That, observation & learning. Terrariums- learning what makes mushrooms grow faster etc etc. What keeps a terrarium ecosystem in balance, what makes a fungus organism tick. It's again about like, action and reaction, it's an interaction of sorts, he wants to have control over if a plant thrives and how it does so because again it makes him feel competent, and it's not unalike how like…
So you know how for a lot of people interacting with animals feels more intuitive and is more relaxing and nice and comforting etc. That's because animals have a much simpler communication style- they don't talk, they have a sound for if they're happy and a sound for if they're mad or scared, they have very direct communication and very direct action -> reaction. You approach? The dog will be tense and growl if it dislikes it or wag its tail if it wants to be pet. It'll act happy if you pet it right or step away if you pet it wrong. It's very direct reward/punishment for interacting right or wrong.
Plants are kinda like that but more clinical, with less emotions involved of 'make sure to reach out your hand to touch it nonthreateningly enough'. If you give it water and light according to its needs it will thrive, if you don't it won't. It's that reward dynamic interaction but with any sort of social aspect removed. People who struggle with having thriving social lives will often take particular comfort in animals or such, because they don't judge you the same way that someone else who also grew up with social conventions and complex social dynamics and expectations will.
Terrariums are fun because they're sort of a web of that usually, there'll be several different plants or bugs in there too, you have to keep control of the soil etc. If the electric shocks work to stimulate the fungus growth the Jade wins. So it's kind of like a puzzle that feels very satisfying to crack, and he gets to like, have that rush of satisfaction and pride that he worked something the right way without having to put up a social pretense like he usually would, through ways other than people watching, in a more controlled environment, at his own pace.
Basically Jade is on a constant grindset and thinks he likes it and needs no one ever; genuine social interaction is optional actually.
So you kinda see what I'm putting down, Jade is very aware of others's thoughts and sensibilities in general, but he never so much as flinches whenever he weirds anyone out while indulging in his interests, just keeps smiling happily— I think part of his unshakable confidence is because he'd be miserable if he allowed himself to be more bothered by others' judgement. To me this is a hyperspecific situation of being alienated for traits you have that you then use to make yourself feel superior to others instead, rejecting preemptively and unilaterally instead of being rejected first, aka why should you feel ashamed when you're above everyone? But there's still... a bit of yearning I think. In liking cute eel merch, in wanting to go to a restaurant and a tourist shop with his classmates and in having a race for who gets to the park bench first (ToR).
To a degree I do wonder if part of it is that being twins who willingly stick with each other, they kind of have that safety net in a way where they know they'll always have the other one in their corner/with them even if they're otherwise alone, as an anchor/ rock of even if they go their own ways most the timethe other is There y'know. So even with Azul where it's a longtime childhood friend situation, there's that "well we'll prob go our own ways eventually so let's keep this light, hashtag here for a good time not a long time" because they compare that to a siblings bond or have like that… expectation that no matter what no matter how much the rest of the world dislikes you it's okay. I see this more on Jade's end I think because Floyd is truly just a free spirit gdbdg meanwhile Jade is like well I might be alone in the world but it's okay terrariums will keep me company :) But like they dgaf about friendships gdbdg it's genuinely interesting. Their family background is hinted at to be pretty isolating too, a powerful dubious family of scary eels that you probably want to steer clear of, and even without differential treatment the power dynamic encourages like... Definitely a mix of entitlement and "we are Apart. Let's do whatever we want bc we can lololol" coming from that, imo.
Even prior to reading ToR myself I heard so much about it that felt revealing- like Jade saying Oya like his mom. There's so much mannerism that's almost copy pasted from her. Like he really is mimicking the behavior of those around him- in this case, especially mimicking a role model that through his life has embodied what's proper and fancy and acceptable socially. His mother commands control, authority and respect even while having a strong personality.
It's a bit too like how, honestly it's not recognized enough just how much of a culture shock there was in them coming on land. Floyd took to walking easily, he loves flying- but he doesn't really care about unsettling people like we said, he doesn't care for local etiquette or anything- But Jade does, so he studied until he learned to be seamless, to pass as a land human without tells revealing he isn't, with perfectly worn land clothes and etiquette and the perfect stance standing up.
I love the tales of changelings and things that mimic in general because it feels so real to me, watching and learning and internalizing and mimicking to appear like what you're trying to be and fit in, often for survival, a cuckoo bird. Was the scorpion always doomed to be a scorpion? Is being alone and morally repehensible all that the cards have ever had for him? I think a lot of hypercompetent smart, smart Jade who has to put all of that into seeming like he's at place here, in control. All he has control over is himself and his words, after all.
So yes basically whenever Jade is being whimsical and giggling or letting himself go a little while doing random innocent shit I point and smile and go omg yes! Omg yes he's doing it!! Having fun!!! Not gaf about his PR!!!! Yay :)
Like, Kalim wasn't put off at his "oh if I could experience mountains from up a broom rather than a arduous hike- which I love as well- I could see different sides… like the shadow of an cordoned-off cliff, or the whole sight without any obstruction at all", so he went one step more of mask off about his hobby going "I would stay watching the cliff a whole day to see the plays of light at different times." at which point everyone is a little questioning his sanity. BUT HE DOESN'T GET TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HE ENJOYS TO PEOPLE WHO ENGAGE IN THE CONVO WITH HIM OFTEN AT ALL!!!!! RARELY, EVEN. WHAT A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY GIFT!
Cater enjoyed the karaoke experience with Jade, when all's said and not! Even Riddle enjoyed going to the wedding Jade invited him to! He had lots of nice times in the Applepom event! Connections aren't offlimits to Jade, after all, even with all his faults and his split reputation.
As a bit of a closer, I want to have a guest star on welcome my lovely friend @meltedbluecaterpillar for an interesting complementary perspective: "I really like Jade as like… He is so normal he is normal sauce he is regular degular right you can tell something is slightly off and again this is a defense mechanism in humans, the animal brain where humans detect sickness or disorder in fellow species and isolate them so I think that is why I always assume sinister, but Jade really is… Normal but at the same time the way he goes about things like you pointed out, if Floyd is more outspoken and energetic he attracts people to him easier than Jade who wants to partake but his brain doesn’t function the same as Floyd’s, he cannot play and joke and be rambunctious like his twin, any attempts can come off as awkward and strange so he has to resort to luring people in, behold the humble spider with honeyed words…
Is it his fault that he wants to eat too?? No… He was just born.
I don’t hate Jade of course not but as he grows you can tell there is something wrong, again with you explaining that social interaction is optional he has learned to guilt trip and manipulate slipping in strange words and worming his way around for a result, like before maybe he was seen as disposable so others are treated the same, people are temporary but plants in a glass terrium are eternal."
Headcanoning disorders upsets people sometimes so I explain it in other ways (also because that's just good to get everyone on the same page) but for me I definitely see Jade as autistic whether or not I label it. Has to analyze the art of social interaction from an outsider perspective, and learn and perfect it to fit in but still can never get it quite right- unfixable vibes lol which is in part why I think up to a point he doesn't try to disguise it anymore, like it's more effort than it's worth so he's just like "me? Teehee i could never possibly" <- half-trying to recover. Having a special interest so intense that everyone gets exasperated with him when it's inevitably brought up again AND HE HAS NO ONE ELSE TO RAMBLE TO SO THEY WILL HAVE TO LISTEN AND SUFFER!!!! Finding microorganisms and overlooked things fascinating and wanting to become an expert in his very niche field. Points. Gestures. Yeah. Relatable. My fave autism rep can have a little evil as a treat.
Closing rephrasing
I often get asked why I like him at all, and for me, the appeal of Jade is... He obviously has a lot of thoughts he just does not voice and he's shady like that, but he is also strangely sincere. He often does wear his mood on his face, he just tends to have either a :) mood, a B| mood or a 😏 mood lol. He hustles people and he has fun with it but also he'll often be really blatant about it, but he's just so right/you get something out of it so you go along with it. The start of Trials of Rowmance is a perfect encapsulation of this— The people who see Jade as trustworthy are very few, he only managed to convinced 4 people in an hour to come along with him to a nice free fancy wedding vacation, and most of the ones who agreed see through his suspicious potential upper motives, they're just convinced despite it, because he adapts his arguments to the person's values in a way that it doesn't matter if he's trustworthy or not in the first place. Jade's 8d chess does backfire his thing is being ~unreadable~ which makes people unsure about him even when he's just hanging out chilling around and having a good time being a good time boy, so he kind of sucks at making people trust him or seeming innocent.
He has these big interests that he cannot maintain composure and practice socially acceptable amounts of restraint about them and he just gets so silly and happy about it. He's more goofy than you expect, sometimes he reminds you that he's just a guy and he's a sensistive easily emotionally touched maiden who is awed by nature and who's scared of flying because he's not used to it and he doesn't even try to hide it- HE DOESN'T EVEN TRY TO HIDE IT!! And it's so satisfying and lovely.
Like he has surprisingly not that much of an ego, as in he loves being in a club that everyone doesn't understand and thinks of as weird he loves wearing silly cute t-shirts he loves hearing people praise his special interest cooking and then he giggles like a highschool girl— he does have ego yes, he's just learned to not care about people's thoughts on him. Since his thing is manipulation, he's hyperaware of others' thoughts and feelings, and maybe it's why he's grown so desensitized to them.
He just doesn't have that much of an affect….. and I do think that's natural, even if he also shrewdly learned to mask. He's just a honest lil guy that wears his heart suprisingly open, he's just a man of simple pleasures who also loves teasing and control and shits and giggles. His dynamic with Floyd and Azul is so good because for as much as he's almost Jamil-like in reigning them back in and being the mature one around, he ALSO is a guy that wreaks havoc and enables the chaos and is explicitly working at the mostro lounge because the intimidating is fun to do more than for the cash. CUSTOMER SERVICE IS FUN TO HIM. Monster. He's built different <3 He's just here to have a good time <33 The way he holds his hands together…. the way it's a habit…. that he does even when he's not in business mode but just around his friend…. It's a HABIT he WALKS in that low joined raptor hands pose with that cute innocent smile on his fucking face. He's a nerd.
Characters who hide their feelings a lot are a special breed, because then there's a mystery around how they actually are and it feels so satisfying when they lower their walls a little and start -gasp- emoting… genuinely…… With Jade the thing is sometimes he DOES feel very shallow one layer but also that's kinda by design, if you only see the surface and think that's what he's summarized by then it's his plotting and careful emoting working!! He is supposed to be a perfect gentleman businessman blank slate, any personality is a mark against that seamless image. But what does such a man do when he's off work and having the good life and taking his mask off? Going nature hiking… just going around campus with a goofy happy smile… Walking away from anything social to go recharge amongst the plants and the humus. Like he is a simple man yeah he enjoys the chaos a lot it's like games to him he's just a puzzle enjoyer- like hello MAINTAINING A TERRARIUM is a GAME to him. But there's one word I have for Jade's admiration for fungi and nature: genuine. Did you know that humility has the same root as humus? Because it takes humility to touch humus with your hands, to accept yourself as part of the world, not above it.
One of my fave Jade x Yuu thoughts is…. You're a blank slate and he loves that. He loves terrariums because he loves having control over whether it thrives or dies, he loves shocking mushrooms to see how they react. Yuu can be his little petri dish…. He can prod and tease and play with them to make them grow how he wants. Blank slate, the very definition of potential through growth.
Smile. Show your teeth. Emote. Tear off your gloves! Social conventions are useless in the woods.
(Art by marutiyotiyo)
In conclusion. The 2 sides of Jade fandom:
Credit 1: Sambaodoro / credit 2: Wawaoka
Interesting how so much duality can coexist, in nature as much as humans. When you live in rigid black and white codes of conduct, it can be so freeing to remember that nature is much more chaotic, an endless mess of greys. Be yourself and connect with the world around you 🫶
When Fumi asked to use my little paragraph this morning I giggled since I didn’t think too much of it when we first had that conversation.
I would like to explain where I got “Animal and Human brains reject and isolate the disordered.” Because it was mostly based on the hypothetical that Jade shows signs of autism. At least to me and if you did not know; I am autistic.
A lot of the time Neurotypical people express feeling Uncanny Valley in the presence of those with disabilities or disorders and this is because of a very base hardwiring in animals and it still exists in humans. Resource allocation, self-preservation, and mostly social system. All animals and humans are different.
But in cases of bullying and isolation and feeling like “Is it because I have x?” The answer would be yes. In humans who are neurotypical this is more subconscious than conscious where they think you’re weird or hard to be around(annoying) so you are excluded. That again is where the animal instinct I mention comes in where groups of ‘healthy’ individuals will stick together and avoid the ‘unhealthy’.
If you have a deer born with three legs, there are extremely low chances that the deer will produce offspring as it is feeble and in a sick way; inadequate.
So on the topic of Jade he behaves in a way that one can identify as masking. But even then he fails to do so as his peers still find him hard to be around. One can argue the same for Malleus Draconia but that can of worms is very different from my perspective.
People dislike having disorders attached to their anime characters. In most cases it is left for interpretation by canon, or it was just written in to say “He’s quirky and weird!” without realizing the character is indeed showing traits of x, y, and z.
TLDR; Jade has no friends but he is putting in genuine effort. He struggles with social cues and does not have the same charisma that Floyd has. He will struggle more on land than Azul and Floyd but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to throw in the towel.
Nodding nodding it's a fairly hard thing to talk about but it's a very interesting reality we face. Autism is very... existential to have in my experience gdvdg as always with the topic I have my big three main things I like to bring up...
That people judge more than they'd like to admit based on vibes yes, and part of it yeah is animal brain- fear of the different, fear of the unknown. Melty already linked one study I like to bring up, but I'll cite the history of the changeling myth instead. The fairy's child, who according to folklore is a fairy child swapped with your human child, parents unaware— which has historically been used to single out disabled or otherwise "odd" or unwanted children, leading to often cruel fates. Because this thing is not like us.
We have an aversion to what we deem "fake" despite putting often rather rigid social expectations on behavior, like exchanging pleasantries and deeming someone as rude for deviating from the tradition or having offputting body language. This need to fit in to socialize makes people mask, but it's hard for a lot of people to perceive masking as an act that has no ill intent, that isn't deceptive or manipulative, because by virtue of the words or facial expressions not being "genuine" it would become immoral and worthless— which was one of the main threads I wanted to pursue with this Jade yap. But it's all a matter of framing- is it manipulative to know that telling someone to have a good day will make them a little happier? It often is a question of giving bad faith over good faith, more than anything.
But where autism causes problems in social contexts is often an issue of presentation, rather than inner fault. The double empathy problem is a theory that sums up a lot of lived experience- the kind that makes you, without being aware of others' neurodivergence, diagnosed or not, gravitate towards other people like you, with who communicating feels easier, simpler— More intuitive. Because the difficulty isn't that uatistic people can't ever learn or adapt, aka mask, or can't understand feelings or social situations, it's that socially many things come to allistic people much more intuitively than autistic people. The communication style of autistic people has a different intuition, so to speak.
(https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/)
It also mentions a study as support in which groups of autistic people, allistic people then a third mixed group of both played a game of telephone. Both homogeneous groups had similar levels of information retention, but the mixed group was significantly worse. This suggests, in other words, that autistic people aren't worse at communicating than allistic people— that the issue is with their different communication types meeting and not being as naturally compatible- misunderstandings arise.
(https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5932358/ Very interesting paper on the relations autistic people often develop with human, aka allistic, social and emotional interactions vs nonhuman ones. On Otherization etc etc)
For as much as we are made to feel like we are, we aren't monsters. A big part of why I loved Dunmeshi as much as I did was how many autistic themes and experiences intersections it explored. The unknown the inhuman the alienation the obsession, the bonds we can make despite it all. In dunmeshi like with Jade there is a throughline: even when people are hard, you will always have your place in the world. Nature does not reject you because you do belong to it too, despite what anyone says. Scary fairy's child or not.
Jade Leech: What Does He Feel? Does He Feel Things?? Let's Find Out!
I'm on a mission to get more mileage out of my Discord yaps so I streamlined my thoughts on Jade, with a main thread centering around some posts (1 and 2 by skyflyinginaction) I saw about how Jade is insecure about needing practice as opposed to Floyd. Puzzle pieces come together surprisingly intricately from there and needless to say I am invested.
So there you have it, a post about Jade, his desire for friendships or lack thereof, and how he may or may not be repressed as all hell, talking about scenes and hobbies and theories. This is my overall analysis of my Jade characterisation.
I'll polish and make a separate post more specific to Trials of Rowmance (ToR) about the family dynamics after this but it honestly stunlocked me, and his card vignette for the event??! (Edit: Done!! Jade yap part 2) Oh I understand why you turned out a little fucked up okayy -nervous giggle-
Jade is so delightful I love how sinister and plotting and scheming he is and how 50% of that is used for evil/dubious at best practices yes but the other 50% is used for the most innocuous things. He is plotting and scheming and manipulating 8d chessing in his mind for how he can get to go to a training camp so he can go hike on school hours.
Because yeah Jade changes if his club, the mountain lovers club, is an art club or sport club depending on what's convenient to him. In the Pomefiore book it's an art club, but in Vargas' training camp event he argued for it being a sports club so his club would have to go because art clubs didn't. It's so funny I'd always thought he genuinely just saw it in a more artistic light enjoying nature like he says, BUT NAYYYY IT was probably in good part so he could skip out on sports clubs having to help set things up for the fest doing manual labor 🧍
I think a lot of Jade's appeal comes from duality— the gap moe, if you will. The contrast between his prim and proper persona and the unabashed dubious devious side it hides. How he dresses in his octavinelle uniform vs how he dresses when left alone (badly). How he concerns himself with manners vs discarding them to be cruel and shifty at will. The manipulation he does to get people into his debt vs the manipulation he does to make classmates come hang out with him and eat mushrooms because it's his hobby. How overconfident he is vs how humble he acts. How slick he is at manipulating people vs how bad he is at throwing off suspicion once it's cast on him- aka once people know he's shady, like, everyone on campus does, he couldn't seem innocent to save his life. Which is something he is somewhat insecure about yes!
He is the masker the maskee. The "nauuu i'm just a little guyyy don't be scared of meee" guy. It makes for an endearing contradiction of a guy!
This effect is noticeable through fans as well not only in-world. Just like how Jade's UM can only be used once per person, and he doesn't like revealing or using it because the person will know and stop trusting him once they know... You trust Jade to be an okay upstanding guy until you look past first impressions, after which he's a suspicious devious guy in your eyes forever. We'll come back to this, put a pin in that— Jade being inconspicuous at first appearance, but once he shows more of himself he becomes someone you put your guard up around.
Many people think Jade is insecure about his teeth due to his expression sprites usually keeping his mouth closed, and him having a line about not liking to open his mouth wide— and I personally disagree with insecure perse, but I do think that that's another show of Jade being conscious of how untrustworthy and creepy he can seem and the whys- like how eels are seen as scary in the sea.
On that note, a great example of how moe that gap can be is when Floyd got a cute eel t-shirt for Jade.
Jade loved the shirt and wore it but then Azul went "that breaks the whole intimidating mystique you need to do your job, you're ruining your scary reputation get that off right now" and so he did. Well, that or "Stop. You're cringe." which I'd argue has a similar effect heh.
But yes like I think we have to notice how… Jade lowkey sucks at what he does? He's dislikeable. Most people on campus do not trust him. In fact, a lot of people are automatically either on guard or scared when interacting with him. It makes me slightly sad like case in point Jade's ToR vignette hello Riddle, Jade is talking about going missing once can you stop meanmugging him. He constantly has ominous slips of the tongue. A lot of people utterly see through him having ulterior motives at any given chance— which often gets misplaced to when Jade is genuinely just hanging out too, not only when he's out and about on a manipulation mission of his.
Jade often masks his intentions or thoughts, but his way of speech is not something he fakes, he just genuinely just Talks Like That, which often makes people distrust his words. He's surprisingly earnest in a somewhat theatrical unabashed way that has people wondering if it isn't played up hence disingenuous, not unsimilar to Rook. Like Cater in Jade's Bonbonnière vignette being weirded out by Jade's karaoke habit— because it's surprisingly wholesome? Jade really comes across as an odd duck, when he isn't hustling at his waiter butler bodyguard job.
Jade having a horrible fashion sense that backfires when shopping with Jack is another instance I'm still debating on what I believe. Because it'd be so comically tragic, but Jade does have a genuine interest for cultures and how things like clothes adapt depending on the people, like how he had to learn human fashion as a merman. Jade does genuinely want to hang a lot of the time, like with Cater in his bonbonnière card or going to a restaurant with classmates at the start of Playful Land or looking for hiking partners, enjoying talking with Kalim in his broomquet vignette, exchanging recipes with Ruggie or talking cuisine with Silver or tea blending with Kalim. Or again, doing various activities with classmates in ToR.
He can certainly do without socialization, but he does express appreciation for it on the regular. It makes every time he gets to hang out feel precious~
But yes yes about Jade sucking at his thing, there's this instance for one example out of many- Here's what we were talking about. Jade's gentleman act works on some npcs and characters like Trey (usually not for long after actually interacting with him lol) but for most it just doesn't, like how Vil in Jade's dorm vignette also knew he had an ulterior motive the second he walked into Pomefiore. His aura has mega sus vibes and he is not good at seeming innocent lol, he could have been cooped up in his bedroom reading about mushrooms all day and someone barges in asking about a murder that just happened and he'd still manage to be branded a high suspect it feels like. He is not as slick as he wants you to think, and Ruggie calling Jade's "noooo, I don't know what you meaaan" shameless also goes back to what I say about him not trying that hard to deny things— or at least not well.
What Jade is good at is talking inbetween lines. Again in Playful Land, I love how he doesn't lie at all with Ernesto's introduction, everything he says flows so well while still being a very clear "okay get to the sales pitch" urging. He's used to speaking in subtext so to speak, something that we'll see is a skill he's gotten from his family.
And see we've put down some basic blocks of my Jade take, here's where we start getting serious.
I need to talk about Rook's nickname for Jade. Monsieur prémédité, or monsieur premeditation in jp. You know Freak recognizes Freak™ because…. I dunno how much premeditated is used as a word in english but it's the same in french, the word literally means you 'meditated' on a topic prior, meaning it was thought through, for an action or decision it means it was planned, and it's almost exclusively used for crimes, especially murders. ROOK IS CALLING JADE A COLD-BLOODED KILLER TO HIS FACE EVERY TIME GDGA....
And of course taking the word at face value that makes sense- because again, Jade does plot a lot. It does happen that he's genuinely innocently just hanging out, but he rarely... Feels genuine. He always has layers of thoughts going on or has a mismatch between them and his expression and demeanor, he usually always has a mask about him, and in the end that always keeps you guessing. Both Jade and Floyd are predictable and unpredictable in their own ways, predictable in their untrustworthiness, predictable in their priorities- unpredictable in when they decide to strike.
So I was thinking about that. Mister prémédité…. The schemer… And meanwhile Floyd's nickname being mister spontaneous. Monsieur spontané. Or monsieur provocateur in jp, as in someone who provokes. They're direct opposites: mister impulsive and mister calculated.
And it's fun to note that this isn't a meta nickname they have— It's Rook, described by Jade himself as an inordinately observant man in ToR, finding these their core traits to turn into a nickname. Meaning that these traits of theirs and the contrast the two have is very noticeable in-world too, not just for fans.
And I was thinking about that analysis I saw about how Jade is insecure because Floyd is such a natural prodigy at everything he does while Jade has to work harder to be competent at something aka needing to practice… Explaining not only his perfectionist streak but also like- since he has less intuitive skill at anything he tries, and how he talks down his UM for not being very powerful, I really can see how he'd have grown to rely on thinking through shit to get the outcome he wants because of all of this, lacking natural talent with tasks and him feeling bad about it.
Because Jade can't wing things. Because Jade has a twin he needs to keep up with one way or another, not get left behind by— Floyd is a genius at anything he attempts, so Jade has to outdo him with extra perfectionism.
He is very conscious of body language and expressions, for one!! He is extremely aware of how he comes across, and not being seen as in control of the situation and composed bothers him!! People can't know he's a loser!! Reputation is everything— something we'll see in ToR is, again, very much something instilled by his family.
In Trials of Rowmance he's the only one from the Octavinelle trio who shows any interest in going at a tourist shop of merpeople goods— We'll go into how curiosity drives him a lot real soon, but I think it's interesting that he would be intrigued by what selection the shop offers— it's again a little about reputation isn't it? How do humans see merpeople, what items of theirs represents them and has a market on land? Not unsimilar to how both Jade and Floyd looove eel goodies and tend to collect them whenever they can (like the shirt or their keychains in their camp cards), because they find it funny how eels are considered cute on land when they're seen as scary in the sea.
Jade always plays off everyone disliking his mushroom hobby but reminder that his dream in book 7 is everyone being like "your interests are so based Jade yes let's follow you on your outings Jade", when Silver compliments his mushroom dishes HE ZONES OUT GIGGLING LIKE A LITTLE KID!!! He's shown to be very humble when receiving praise, undermining the compliments every time with formalities, and despite this he's also shown to have an unshakably high view of himself, but through the times I mention we do see how praise does matter to him.
He can be so cute and earnest when showing what he loves, people just don't clap so he doesn't share his interests as often as he could.
All that mushrooms & mountains & nature & terrariums stuff is Jade's main interest right, and rn I'm struggling to think of other ones he has except messing around with people lol, exploring and gardening and tea blending has a similar appeal to him: The thing to know about Jade is that he has an immense curiosity. He loves odd wacky little things he loves deeply mysterious and complex things he loves people watching and treating anything like an experiment or puzzle AND HE LOVES EXPLORATION!!!
Shoutout to the time he researched the history and uses of the humble barrel in depth because he got curious after seeing one in the sea. Shoutout to the time he went missing because he chased a mysterious light in the sea (it was a toy ring) into a dangerous whirlpool zone.
So you know, his love for terrariums right, let's talk about it. He's said he loves them specifically because he thinks it's really cool and interesting and exhilirating to have full control over if an ecosystem lives or dies.
Growing any plant, there are levels of difficulty to how fragile or finicky some species are over others, and it's the same thing for mushrooms. It's a satisfying challenge. Jade has a marked interest for rare species of mushrooms, and growing mushrooms himself too- he's a regular at the garden. He even experimented with giving his growing myshrooms electric shocks to stimulate their growth! His science card vignette is legendary.
In his broomquet he talks at length about his hobbies- he talks about loving to see mountains in each single of their facets, and about liking tea blending right after talking about liking potionology.… he's on his hobby of having control and having full say on how well something turns out and proving how capable he is again, isn't he?
He's fascinated by little variations having big changes… which is part of why he adores terrariums and experimenting on mushrooms. Yes part of his terrarium interest is just marvelling at the beauty and wonder of nature, which is why the mountain lovers club got to be an art club instead of sports, but it's again that potionology afficionado part of his, that tea blending experimenting urge he has to the point he made up a monologue lyrics about his perfect tea blending recipe while doing karaoke in his bonbonnière birthday card, that want to feel capable and competent and knowledgeable— to learn how to do something as best as he can and then to flaunt it for his own satisfaction, exploring as much of the potential of a topic as he can. Because it's hard, because it's complex, because the ever slight difference in recipe will wildly change the flavor.
He always mentions how he loves surprises— they're stimulating, entertaining, and he's insatiable for discovery. Like how Floyd is a merman super into shoes, Jade is a merman who loves mountains and the nature there. Jade knows about algae, but mushrooms? Jade is the most "I want to see where the [interesting things] are, part of that world…!" Ariel song of them three. The hoarder the explorer, who looked at sunken things and got interested by mysterious human contraptions such as ~barrels~. The one who strives to make himself belong where he doesn't, in such a capable way that even Azul envies— on land, who works hard to be able to walk and to fly and who learns to dance the dances and dress the part despite being so… Odd and unlikeable, for a lack of better words. Like the little mermaid who was weird on land and had to adapt to human social rules, used a fork as a comb. Trials of Rowmance was fascinating on so many levels and part of it was the emphasis on deception— Which we will get back to. Jade meanwhile is hyperaware of social rules and expectations being placed on him because of his upbringing with his family.
People always call him a god complex haver because of it and yes, it is about control, about competency like I said, but also he's just a curious guy, really. He loooves all that life on land has to offer it's fascinating to him. In his ToR vignette a worker at the facility that walked Jade through adapting to life on land talked about how much they wanted to replicate the wonder Jade had through making a nice touristy route, to "wow people to life on land the way Jade was". He's someone who's just as curious if not more than his brother, someone who needs interest and thrill to be kept entertained and happy- and he finds that in "mountain mysteries", and literally having things in the palm of his hand. Much of the vignette goes to show how happy and fulfilled he is, living on land.
Framing does a lot to tinge how you'll see something, if you'll have positive or negative connotations- and Jade's relationship to his hobbies is very much susceptible to that. Does Jade's obsessive want for experimenting and control over small ecosystems and recipes reveal something dark and dubious about his psychology and how he interacts with people? Sure. Is it something he just does to destress after work, smiling and humming songs at his experiments? Very much yes. Tremble before this 17 years old, he will tell you about the shiitakes and the amanitas.
Fungi are neither plant nor animal, but they're closer to being animal. They're a hivemind organism. They're sentient. The largest organism on Earth is a fungus. They allow communication and ressource management between trees. THEY ALLOW COMMUNICATION BETWEEN TREES!! They can solve mazes. They eat through concrete and break through bulletproof materials. Some thrive on and even seek out RADIATION. Fungi are what allowed life on earth, back when even trees were still new. If there is a key to the meaning of life fungi probably hold it.
He loves fungi because they're such a mysterious form of life and he finds having terrariums fascinating because he has the sole control of whether it thrives or dies, by controlling its traits like temperature and humidity…
Again, in terrarium keeping there are wrong and correct choices. The relation between everything is very complex and so is the way that any interaction with it affects it, but in that way it's simple, direct. Very cause and effect. Sometimes, strict guidelines are easier to follow because you know exactly what's expected of you.
To maintain a terrarium is to expertly understand the whole ecosystem of it, every layer to it, all its organisms… It's not only stimulating while setting it up and learning about it, which jade loveees to do it's how he gets a lot of his stimulation like fun and enrichment wise (which is also why he likes psychology-cking people, because it means understanding them and what makes them click and how to play the game to have the outcome you want), but it's also super satisfying and gratifying when you pull it off, you've proven that you're really good at it, you've proven that you understand, in a very undeniable way. It's playing god but it's also kinda just wanting to be part of something while still being outside of it if that makes sense, with a safe amount of distance between you and this ecosystem you're helping, it's fascinating but it also feels good…. You have dirt buddies now oh joy…. You have a part of nature, you are part of it, you have claimed it, even if the earth has never claimed you… You have claimed your spot with undeniable control, over yourself and over others.
HE IS THE IMPRESSIONIST PAINTER WHO PAINTED THE SAME HAY STACKS AT DIFFERENT HOURS OF DAY TO SEE THE DIFFERENCE IN PLAY OF LIGHT!! HE IS A WATCHING THE PAINT DRY ENJOYER!
Point is, he's someone with very intense vibes in general, unless he tones himself down. Talking about his hobbies and why he likes them on its own tends to scare the hoes already.
But him being intense is his appeal... Never stop yapping pookie.... No no wait why are you toning yourself down no-
He knows how to mask and make himself seem less threatening somewhat, dressing nice and formal without a crease and very proper body language and speech etc etc.
In his bonbonnière vignette he expresses how it's harder for him to dress casual than formal, because he's new to clothes, being a merman, but he learned what suits are seen as classy. I want to keep the topic more for my Jade yap part 2 but fashion can also be a means through which you mask- because fashion is about communication and social dynamics. Clothes are a show of status and play a complex role in social perception and as thus wearing a suit and going along the codes for proper manners can be used as a token you can trade to be humanized, "I am a normal trustworthy respectable man, I mean look at my suit".
Jade's "suitably" below makes it sound like... He's not worried about social repercussion on an interpersonal level, but moreso like Riddle, worried about social expectations on a wider societal level. It's not about: it's about propriety again. It's about there being correct and wrong ways to behave in certain social events, like how with specific people there are correct and wrong ways to suck up to them à la dating sim dialogue choices.
But the point we're going into here is Jade's carefully managed demeanor and image, yes, the efforts he put into acting a certain way. And how... It's not necessarily something done with ill, deceptive intent. Have you never behaved more consciously in a way that you thought would make people like you more, or land you that job? Masking can be done as automatically as breathing sometimes, and can be as essential at it to thrive socially.
And to a degree it works because we do see Trey and whatnot have first impressions of "Oh he seems like a chill honest guy, poor him being surrounded by Octavinelle" but like… In that way, that shows how he can be a little overlooked by people? Which is very useful in many ways. I would argue this shows in the fan experience as well— Floyd has a very strong personality even from just a look alone, his expressions his poses his voice- everything about him radiates personality, meanwhile your first impressions of Jade will be much more neutral and reserved. From Octavinelle, until you learn to know him a little, he's the one who I'd say fades into the background the most. Both Floyd and Azul have a very loud presence, and it ends up making Jade pass under the radar when he's toned down.
Again he's someone pretty intense- but he has a difficulty to be somewhere between these two states, too intense or too wallpaper. A ghost along the wall until he steps into a conversation in a way that has people put off.
But also!!! Again with his many contradictions- He doesn't really care about showing his true colors™. It's one of my favorite things about him— When someone is onto his bullshit he doesn't try very hard or convincingly to soothe their suspicions lol, he just goes "whooo? Meeeee? 😇 giggles" and when there's an opportunity to talk about his interest-!!! He will become capital W weird he is a weirdo he will smile and who knows if that frown he does is conscious body language or not anymore, he still acts coy sometimes but he's not like… ashamed of who he is or what he likes or even what he does… But he does get shut down and has what he likes waved away at best 90% of the time so he like. Never expects people to take an interest, right, and he always takes the groans in stride, smiling.
He tailors himself to be palatable and that's largely because he knows he isn't someone palatable to most.
Nor does he want to be— Or so he'd like to think. But dreams don't lie. Even if it's true Jade enjoys conflict (surprises) and would have gotten bored eventually. Jade tends to find people dull, like how he did Yuu at first, and that's part of why he gets a lot of his interest and entertainment from the world instead, discoveries and exploration, or from messing with people rather than simply chatting- because social interactions are rather onesided to him, like interacting with his terrarium to have the outcome he wants, like making life a dating sim with correct and wrong answers to unlock secret routes. Even if underestimating people's intellect and intuition makes him miscalculate sometimes too, like how in his dream it's shown he has a distorted view of Floyd and Azul as somewhat dependent on him. He likes feeling competent, so he enjoys order and things going to plan, but that's a self-satisfaction thing— From an entertainment standpoint he enjoys chaos and things not going to plan, and he sees most people as simpletons, so he doesn't think highly of their chances for them to make for interesting genuine relationships— thinking overly highly of yourself is very isolating in that way. Which is why it feels so good to be proven wrong— to be shown he still has so much to learn of the world, to be surprised— because he feels that lacking otherwise in his life.
I do not think he knows himself all that well gdbdg I think he thinks he's hot shit and then everything else is subconscious for him. The others do not understand the glory of mushrooms? Of course they #DoNotHave500IQ like him ofc ofc
So yes- what I was saying about him not caring that much about showing who he is and what he likes, even if that clashes with what he "should" do, depending on the stakes. Like if he wants to seem cool, he has to not wear the cute t-shirt and he will try to wear it but he gets reeled back, and if he wants to seem like someone reliable and composed that you'd trust he has to not go crazy talking about mushrooms too enthusiastically and he will try-ish but people don't listen for long enough anyways, and well!!!!! Might as well try and be something more than just the overlooked suspicious weirdo….. He will become the hypercompetent cool fancy suspicious weirdo thank you very much, his brains and honed skills are what he's got going for him.
And you know, if we take into account how he's self-conscious about Floyd being a genius at whatever he tries, I can also see how… Floyd typically gets what he wants right, including attention and social interactions and outcomes and items and it's usually by virtue of being loud, like he's very outgoing and often forceful, a go-getter™.
But Jade's not really like that, he has to go through more shifty ways through more steps with more thoughts and, well. Being loud doesn't really work for him in that way. He doesn't get things by being loud and direct, he gets things by hiding his true thoughts, his more genuine self, and being devious. Being Jade doesn't earn him favors, being shifty does.
Floyd's whole thing literally is doing whatever he wants, but Jade's thing is manipulating people with discomfort, or lack thereof.
Floyd doesn't care if he makes people uncomfortable by being unapologetically himself, but Jade sort of… has to? He does plenty of times of course lol, and he uses that more than not, but it's usually in a calculated way besides his aura being sideeye worthy— he's hyperaware of it. Like how he compares himself and Floyd and is aware of the expectations placed on him, like he's aware of what body language and rhetoric to adopt when. Like how he learned to perfectly walk and wear human clothes and hold cutlery.
But having expectations and meeting them is also how he gets his self-esteem lowkey, hence why he cares if he falls behind Floyd, or being the vice housewarden to run a business; again, showing that he's competent matters. We come back to the perfectionism- Floyd can be a prodigy at anything he tries but as for Jade he will prove that he can do anything he puts his mind to through practice, experimentation, trial and error.
But as a result of all of this, his masking, his careful thinking through how he comes across and his interactions, he has that businessman veneer that… Makes it feel almost uncanny? When it turns out he has depth beyond that work mode on.
Which is why he tends to come off as creepy. He's not like Floyd he's not unabashedly undisguised- the disguise is everything he is it's the way he fundamentally interacts socially it's how he gains and keep his self-esteem- but the deception way works for him even it doesn't have malice, he'll have classmates come along to the nice wedding vacation even if he has to remind Rook that it'll be super artful and remind Malleus that he's wanted (ToR).
He does noooot know how to make friends lol for all his alleged psychological mastery. Azul is basically his only friend besides Floyd and even that is shaky, HE'S SO ISOLATED!! He gaslights himself into thinking he's so sigma and so fine about it. He only needs Azul and Floyd….!!! And mayhaps they can let him lead and come on his adventures with him once in a while yes yes. Sighs~ well it was a nice dream!
Like again in his dream, Azul and Floyd go on his mountain volcano treking with him… and after getting a hold of reality Jade is like "Ah right. Azul and Floyd participating with me in my hobbies? Haha how unrealistic. It did make me happy tho ngl".
He does want to be liked, of course he does, he does want to have nice genuine conversations about things he likes and whatnot, but he doesn't have that so he has to make do without it.
Like, Floyd has the basketball club and lowkey his way to socialize works a little gdbdg he has his banter buddies and he dgaf if they tell him to back off after he's had his fun teasing them but Jade…..? He doesn't have a particular bond with any one classmate, the way Floyd has his fellow club members and say, Riddle. Nay…… He has work….. He has the mostro lounge and his terrariums.
Like, I want to drive that home— that's his life. His life is having acquaintances but not friends, working, studying and his hobbies enjoyed solo. He's alone in his club— Despite singing the praises of mushrooms and mountains to anyone willing to listen. He always picks the party room for 50 people when doing karaoke alone for the nice disco ball, comedic level setup to show how friendless someone is lol.
And I will repeat myself a little about how his main hobby is yes just like, he's a curious guy who loves discoveries so nature on land has so much wonders for him, but his main hobby is… That, observation & learning. Terrariums- learning what makes mushrooms grow faster etc etc. What keeps a terrarium ecosystem in balance, what makes a fungus organism tick. It's again about like, action and reaction, it's an interaction of sorts, he wants to have control over if a plant thrives and how it does so because again it makes him feel competent, and it's not unalike how like…
So you know how for a lot of people interacting with animals feels more intuitive and is more relaxing and nice and comforting etc. That's because animals have a much simpler communication style- they don't talk, they have a sound for if they're happy and a sound for if they're mad or scared, they have very direct communication and very direct action -> reaction. You approach? The dog will be tense and growl if it dislikes it or wag its tail if it wants to be pet. It'll act happy if you pet it right or step away if you pet it wrong. It's very direct reward/punishment for interacting right or wrong.
Plants are kinda like that but more clinical, with less emotions involved of 'make sure to reach out your hand to touch it nonthreateningly enough'. If you give it water and light according to its needs it will thrive, if you don't it won't. It's that reward dynamic interaction but with any sort of social aspect removed. People who struggle with having thriving social lives will often take particular comfort in animals or such, because they don't judge you the same way that someone else who also grew up with social conventions and complex social dynamics and expectations will.
Terrariums are fun because they're sort of a web of that usually, there'll be several different plants or bugs in there too, you have to keep control of the soil etc. If the electric shocks work to stimulate the fungus growth the Jade wins. So it's kind of like a puzzle that feels very satisfying to crack, and he gets to like, have that rush of satisfaction and pride that he worked something the right way without having to put up a social pretense like he usually would, through ways other than people watching, in a more controlled environment, at his own pace.
Basically Jade is on a constant grindset and thinks he likes it and needs no one ever; genuine social interaction is optional actually.
So you kinda see what I'm putting down, Jade is very aware of others's thoughts and sensibilities in general, but he never so much as flinches whenever he weirds anyone out while indulging in his interests, just keeps smiling happily— I think part of his unshakable confidence is because he'd be miserable if he allowed himself to be more bothered by others' judgement. To me this is a hyperspecific situation of being alienated for traits you have that you then use to make yourself feel superior to others instead, rejecting preemptively and unilaterally instead of being rejected first, aka why should you feel ashamed when you're above everyone? But there's still... a bit of yearning I think. In liking cute eel merch, in wanting to go to a restaurant and a tourist shop with his classmates and in having a race for who gets to the park bench first (ToR).
To a degree I do wonder if part of it is that being twins who willingly stick with each other, they kind of have that safety net in a way where they know they'll always have the other one in their corner/with them even if they're otherwise alone, as an anchor/ rock of even if they go their own ways most the timethe other is There y'know. So even with Azul where it's a longtime childhood friend situation, there's that "well we'll prob go our own ways eventually so let's keep this light, hashtag here for a good time not a long time" because they compare that to a siblings bond or have like that… expectation that no matter what no matter how much the rest of the world dislikes you it's okay. I see this more on Jade's end I think because Floyd is truly just a free spirit gdbdg meanwhile Jade is like well I might be alone in the world but it's okay terrariums will keep me company :) But like they dgaf about friendships gdbdg it's genuinely interesting. Their family background is hinted at to be pretty isolating too, a powerful dubious family of scary eels that you probably want to steer clear of, and even without differential treatment the power dynamic encourages like... Definitely a mix of entitlement and "we are Apart. Let's do whatever we want bc we can lololol" coming from that, imo.
Even prior to reading ToR myself I heard so much about it that felt revealing- like Jade saying Oya like his mom. There's so much mannerism that's almost copy pasted from her. Like he really is mimicking the behavior of those around him- in this case, especially mimicking a role model that through his life has embodied what's proper and fancy and acceptable socially. His mother commands control, authority and respect even while having a strong personality.
It's a bit too like how, honestly it's not recognized enough just how much of a culture shock there was in them coming on land. Floyd took to walking easily, he loves flying- but he doesn't really care about unsettling people like we said, he doesn't care for local etiquette or anything- But Jade does, so he studied until he learned to be seamless, to pass as a land human without tells revealing he isn't, with perfectly worn land clothes and etiquette and the perfect stance standing up.
I love the tales of changelings and things that mimic in general because it feels so real to me, watching and learning and internalizing and mimicking to appear like what you're trying to be and fit in, often for survival, a cuckoo bird. Was the scorpion always doomed to be a scorpion? Is being alone and morally repehensible all that the cards have ever had for him? I think a lot of hypercompetent smart, smart Jade who has to put all of that into seeming like he's at place here, in control. All he has control over is himself and his words, after all.
So yes basically whenever Jade is being whimsical and giggling or letting himself go a little while doing random innocent shit I point and smile and go omg yes! Omg yes he's doing it!! Having fun!!! Not gaf about his PR!!!! Yay :)
Like, Kalim wasn't put off at his "oh if I could experience mountains from up a broom rather than a arduous hike- which I love as well- I could see different sides… like the shadow of an cordoned-off cliff, or the whole sight without any obstruction at all", so he went one step more of mask off about his hobby going "I would stay watching the cliff a whole day to see the plays of light at different times." at which point everyone is a little questioning his sanity. BUT HE DOESN'T GET TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HE ENJOYS TO PEOPLE WHO ENGAGE IN THE CONVO WITH HIM OFTEN AT ALL!!!!! RARELY, EVEN. WHAT A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY GIFT!
Cater enjoyed the karaoke experience with Jade, when all's said and not! Even Riddle enjoyed going to the wedding Jade invited him to! He had lots of nice times in the Applepom event! Connections aren't offlimits to Jade, after all, even with all his faults and his split reputation.
As a bit of a closer, I want to have a guest star on welcome my lovely friend @meltedbluecaterpillar for an interesting complementary perspective: "I really like Jade as like… He is so normal he is normal sauce he is regular degular right you can tell something is slightly off and again this is a defense mechanism in humans, the animal brain where humans detect sickness or disorder in fellow species and isolate them so I think that is why I always assume sinister, but Jade really is… Normal but at the same time the way he goes about things like you pointed out, if Floyd is more outspoken and energetic he attracts people to him easier than Jade who wants to partake but his brain doesn’t function the same as Floyd’s, he cannot play and joke and be rambunctious like his twin, any attempts can come off as awkward and strange so he has to resort to luring people in, behold the humble spider with honeyed words…
Is it his fault that he wants to eat too?? No… He was just born.
I don’t hate Jade of course not but as he grows you can tell there is something wrong, again with you explaining that social interaction is optional he has learned to guilt trip and manipulate slipping in strange words and worming his way around for a result, like before maybe he was seen as disposable so others are treated the same, people are temporary but plants in a glass terrium are eternal."
Headcanoning disorders upsets people sometimes so I explain it in other ways (also because that's just good to get everyone on the same page) but for me I definitely see Jade as autistic whether or not I label it. Has to analyze the art of social interaction from an outsider perspective, and learn and perfect it to fit in but still can never get it quite right- unfixable vibes lol which is in part why I think up to a point he doesn't try to disguise it anymore, like it's more effort than it's worth so he's just like "me? Teehee i could never possibly" <- half-trying to recover. Having a special interest so intense that everyone gets exasperated with him when it's inevitably brought up again AND HE HAS NO ONE ELSE TO RAMBLE TO SO THEY WILL HAVE TO LISTEN AND SUFFER!!!! Finding microorganisms and overlooked things fascinating and wanting to become an expert in his very niche field. Points. Gestures. Yeah. Relatable. My fave autism rep can have a little evil as a treat.
Closing rephrasing
I often get asked why I like him at all, and for me, the appeal of Jade is... He obviously has a lot of thoughts he just does not voice and he's shady like that, but he is also strangely sincere. He often does wear his mood on his face, he just tends to have either a :) mood, a B| mood or a 😏 mood lol. He hustles people and he has fun with it but also he'll often be really blatant about it, but he's just so right/you get something out of it so you go along with it. The start of Trials of Rowmance is a perfect encapsulation of this— The people who see Jade as trustworthy are very few, he only managed to convinced 4 people in an hour to come along with him to a nice free fancy wedding vacation, and most of the ones who agreed see through his suspicious potential upper motives, they're just convinced despite it, because he adapts his arguments to the person's values in a way that it doesn't matter if he's trustworthy or not in the first place. Jade's 8d chess does backfire his thing is being ~unreadable~ which makes people unsure about him even when he's just hanging out chilling around and having a good time being a good time boy, so he kind of sucks at making people trust him or seeming innocent.
He has these big interests that he cannot maintain composure and practice socially acceptable amounts of restraint about them and he just gets so silly and happy about it. He's more goofy than you expect, sometimes he reminds you that he's just a guy and he's a sensistive easily emotionally touched maiden who is awed by nature and who's scared of flying because he's not used to it and he doesn't even try to hide it- HE DOESN'T EVEN TRY TO HIDE IT!! And it's so satisfying and lovely.
Like he has surprisingly not that much of an ego, as in he loves being in a club that everyone doesn't understand and thinks of as weird he loves wearing silly cute t-shirts he loves hearing people praise his special interest cooking and then he giggles like a highschool girl— he does have ego yes, he's just learned to not care about people's thoughts on him. Since his thing is manipulation, he's hyperaware of others' thoughts and feelings, and maybe it's why he's grown so desensitized to them.
He just doesn't have that much of an affect….. and I do think that's natural, even if he also shrewdly learned to mask. He's just a honest lil guy that wears his heart suprisingly open, he's just a man of simple pleasures who also loves teasing and control and shits and giggles. His dynamic with Floyd and Azul is so good because for as much as he's almost Jamil-like in reigning them back in and being the mature one around, he ALSO is a guy that wreaks havoc and enables the chaos and is explicitly working at the mostro lounge because the intimidating is fun to do more than for the cash. CUSTOMER SERVICE IS FUN TO HIM. Monster. He's built different <3 He's just here to have a good time <33 The way he holds his hands together…. the way it's a habit…. that he does even when he's not in business mode but just around his friend…. It's a HABIT he WALKS in that low joined raptor hands pose with that cute innocent smile on his fucking face. He's a nerd.
Characters who hide their feelings a lot are a special breed, because then there's a mystery around how they actually are and it feels so satisfying when they lower their walls a little and start -gasp- emoting… genuinely…… With Jade the thing is sometimes he DOES feel very shallow one layer but also that's kinda by design, if you only see the surface and think that's what he's summarized by then it's his plotting and careful emoting working!! He is supposed to be a perfect gentleman businessman blank slate, any personality is a mark against that seamless image. But what does such a man do when he's off work and having the good life and taking his mask off? Going nature hiking… just going around campus with a goofy happy smile… Walking away from anything social to go recharge amongst the plants and the humus. Like he is a simple man yeah he enjoys the chaos a lot it's like games to him he's just a puzzle enjoyer- like hello MAINTAINING A TERRARIUM is a GAME to him. But there's one word I have for Jade's admiration for fungi and nature: genuine. Did you know that humility has the same root as humus? Because it takes humility to touch humus with your hands, to accept yourself as part of the world, not above it.
One of my fave Jade x Yuu thoughts is…. You're a blank slate and he loves that. He loves terrariums because he loves having control over whether it thrives or dies, he loves shocking mushrooms to see how they react. Yuu can be his little petri dish…. He can prod and tease and play with them to make them grow how he wants. Blank slate, the very definition of potential through growth.
Smile. Show your teeth. Emote. Tear off your gloves! Social conventions are useless in the woods.
(Art by marutiyotiyo)
In conclusion. The 2 sides of Jade fandom:
Credit 1: Sambaodoro / credit 2: Wawaoka
Interesting how so much duality can coexist, in nature as much as humans. When you live in rigid black and white codes of conduct, it can be so freeing to remember that nature is much more chaotic, an endless mess of greys. Be yourself and connect with the world around you 🫶
.... So like do we think Jade in Playful Land was actually being genuine but his fashion sense trying to pick out clothes with the homies was so bad that Jack thought he was mocking him
