You know, things have been a real mess this past year. I dropped out of grad school, was forced to move to a new location and start a new job, was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder recently, and am in between apartments sleeping on a mattress in an empty room at my parents. I’ve kicked so many people out of my life and lost almost everyone I had that still spoke to me, some of this being my fault, and some of this realizing that the people I had around, never cared about me or were willing to reciprocate or do anything for me unless they benefitted from it in some way. I have struggled so much this year. With feelings of failure, with my mental and physical health, and specifically socially. While I know it’s untrue, I feel so unloved, so unwanted, so misunderstood. I don’t know how to interact with others because I’m so socially stunted, and I don’t know where to start. I tell people I need them but when they’re around I don’t want them all of a sudden and I don’t know why. It’s infuriating and I hate myself for it, so I’m trying to understand my borderline better. I have been consistently lied to and left by people that promised me the world, only to build me up and break me back down within the blink of an eye. I make a lot of dumb posts. I can be toxic. I just need people in my life that genuinely care and that can put up with me. I’m difficult but I give so much of myself to those people in my life that I care about and I would literally do anything for them. No one wants to stick around for all of my issues. No one wants someone that’s viewed as damaged goods, broken, difficult, or a work in progress. No one knows all the shit that goes on behind the scenes nor do they care to know. It’s not something they should have to concern themselves with anyways. I’m really fucking trying. I mean that. I just wish I could prove that to others and I wish that change could come sooner. I’m tired of the world, others, and most importantly, myself. I can’t be alone much longer. I don’t know what will happen if I am. This can’t be all that life is. I don’t need sympathy. I don’t need fixed. I just need to be accepted and loved.












