Scottish, idiotic, and I try (usually fail) to make y'all laugh. As of September 2020, there will be no intentionally political posts on this blog. Fuck politicians, they're all evil anyway.
I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before, but here’s another rant. Similar to my one on the Cirque du Freak movie, this one is a bit better but about a book series called The Last Dragon Chronicles by Chris d’Lacey.
So, when I was a kid, I read a book called The Fire Within. It was a really fun and cute book. A guy called David moves in with Liz Pennykettle and her 11 year old daughter, Lucy. The Pennykettles make clay dragons for a living, and it turns out some of them are special dragons who are kind of alive. They give David his own dragon, who he names Gadzooks, and his skepticism basically kills Gadzooks and he emotionally restores him back to life. There’s also a plot about David writing a story about a squirrel in the garden for Lucy’s birthday, it’s really cute, and that writing leads to him meeting a wildlife rescuer who becomes his girlfriend and... i honestly can’t remember her name, she was super generic, your standard nice girl.
But that story’s good. It’s a great standalone novel, has a (mostly) happy ending, fun adventures, it’s good. Then a sequel came. And in this sequel, David’s girlfriend has gone to Africa for a few months because of work, and David’s got a... weird professor at college who’s obsessed with inuits and offers a prize of a research trip to the Arctic for whoever can write the best essay. Two things are off here: firstly, professors teach at universities rather than colleges in the UK, where this is set, and secondly, a research trip to the damned Arctic? In college? That’s a postgraduate trip, at least.
So, we’re also introduced to big tiddy goth gf called Zanna, who is horny as fuck for David. Like she’s basically saying “put a baby in me you mousey dragon boy” in the most kid-friendly way she can. Because this is a kid’s book, without a shadow of a doubt. Keep that in mind for the future: a child is supposed to follow this storyline.
So, we’re also introduced to a villain: Gwilanna. Who, I think... tries to get Liz to... fertilise a dragon egg? Oh, I forgot to mention, the Pennykettles are descended from... uh... I think it’s a lady in ancient times who was tasked with a witch to trick a dragon, but instead sided with the dragon, and the dragon gave her part of his soul? Which is why they’re able to make special dragons that are kinda-sorta alive? I think that’s the gist of it.
So, Gwilanna turns out to be that ancient witch and David uses the power of polar bears (because polar bears are connected with dragons, somehow) to toss her out. He and Zanna make out in the kitchen and just as they pull away, David’s girlfriend comes in and Zanna leaves. Girlfriend then basically says “hey, so I’m gonna be in Africa for several years, so you go ahead and date whoever you want.” OH, that reminds me, David was absolutely a player during this book. Not only was there Zanna, but he also went to a publishing house to publish the story he wrote for Lucy in the first book, and the office is staffed basically only by young women, and David’s eyes are wandering everywhere.
So, David learns that for some reason, Zanna is mad at him for having a girlfriend... even though I am fairly certain he’d already told her, or else he’s even more of a dick, but it all ends with him winning the Arctic trip, Zanna picks him up and is all “we gon fuck in the cold loverboy” because her dad’s rich and everything.
So... okay, an alright sequel, it starts to set things up for the future, but it’s starting to get a bit... iffy. Well, book three is where the normalcy ends.
So, David and Zanna are having a good time at the North Pole, banging, hanging out with the Inuits, David’s writing his story on polar bears. Except he’s... kinda telling the future? Sort of? Like some of the chapters in this book are from the perspective of the polar bears, and David’s writing the story about those specific polar bears. It’s a magic power he has, he used it in the first book while writing Lucy’s story as well. But for some reason, he and Zanna get in an argument and he decides to go back down to England to hang out with Liz and Lucy.
Speaking of Lucy, she’s been kidnapped by Gwilanna and taken to some cave which I think it up against the last dragon? Maybe? Gwilanna’s planning to use Lucy for... something... I’m not entirely sure what. But the polar bears are kinda guardians of the dragon or something? Oh, and David’s professor has an invisible dragon he just keeps around and sends on missions. I think it transforms into an Inuit artefact? That might be something else. I don’t quite remember.
So, the climax sees David saving Lucy, but he gets injured, and he dies in Zanna’s arms. He gives her the invisible dragon, somehow, and the polar bears drag him off.
Okay... a pretty definitive ending there. Sad, but it does the job.
Except it doesn’t end there.
AND THE CRAZINESS RAMPS UP.
5 years have passed. David’s stories have been wildly successful, and Zanna has opened up her own little goth shop which offers massages. She gave birth to David’s daughter so the author could add in the creepy lines of the kid saying shit like “daddy misses us” and wotnot. Lucy is 16 now, and she is an absolute caricature of a teenage girl. On her phone all the time, blowing bubblegum while working as Zanna’s cashier part-time, arguing with her mum... oof.
Journalist guy called Tam comes in for a massage from Zanna, she minorly magically tortures him to get him to admit that he was sent by the paper to get dirt on David. Lucy ends up infatuated with this guy, who’s literally twice her age, she goes on to stalk him to his place of work and tries to sell the family secrets to get close to him.
So, the big reveal: David isn’t actually dead.
Kinda.
Well, he comes back. Zanna is pissed because David is kind of a weird demigod thing? Like he talks about himself needing to save the world, he kinda... imbues the power of two polar bears into Tam? Oh, and Zanna is a witch like Gwilanna. Obviously. Because she’s the big tiddy goth gf, she’s gotta be a witch as well.
Book five gives some backstory to Lucy’s dad. Turns out he was a scientist dude, he and Liz were in love, he then disappeared one day (I think because of Gwilanna?) and he’s spent all this time in self-exile in a monastery as a monk. And while at this monastery, he found a dragon claw which dripped ichor, and anything he wrote with this ichor came true. Kinda like David’s power from a few books ago. Remember that? I barely do.
So, we come to the other massive reveal: David never existed. He was written into existence by Liz’s boyfriend whose name is not even listed on the wiki page, holy fuck. I’ll just call him Bob for easiness. Anyways, Bob wrote David into existence for some reason. They find this out by going to the address listed on David’s letter of application for the Pennykettle lodging waaaayyy back in book 1, and they can’t find the place. Then Lucy gets teleported away and kidnapped again. Oh, and before this, she and Tam went on a road trip to some white horse in the English countryside, they stayed at a B&B and ended up being attacked by their hosts, I think.
OH, YEAH.
THE ALIEN SPACE FAIRIES.
So, there are these alien space fairies that exist. They... worship dragons? Or are dragons? They have something to do with dragons. Anyways, there are the good ones and the bad ones. The bad ones are able to take over people’s minds and make them into slaves. Oh yeah, the evil alien space fairies made the monks of Bob’s monastery attack anyone that came near because Gwilanna wanted to do some ritual. I think.
Oh yeah, and there’s this young dragon called Grockle who... uh... I wanna say Liz gave birth to him? Or maybe Zanna? Or maybe he was hatched from the egg that Gwilanna tried to get Liz to fertilise back in book two? I can’t quite remember. But he’s there.
So, it turns out the good alien space fairies and the evil alien space fairies have been at war for a while, and they need the dragons for... something...
And that, I think, is as far as I ever read. I think there’s maybe two and a half books in the series I haven’t read, because... I just can’t. It’s too much. The story is so convoluted and so far removed from what it started as. The first book was extremely charming. Cutesy clay dragons, an ancient legend which explained why they could kind of come to life, it was a fun read. The sequel was... alright. A bit more complicated, but it managed. The threequel was... eh...
But the rest of it. My God.
Oh, and the weirdest part? There’s this overarching theme of global warming and climate change, except it’s... minorly shoehorned in? Like it’ll be mentioned in passing as background noise on the television, or David will say something like “this is why X is happening, because the ice caps are melting,” but... nothing will come of it. It’s just sort of mentioned. There is literally no payoff to the mentioning of global warming. I get it, it’s a very real and major problem, but it’s just... so out of place in this story (which is saying a lot, considering what I’ve just written) and so obviously shoehorned in.
Oh, also, David’s girlfriend dies in one of the books. Pretty sure it’s book 5. Also, David can teleport. Or fly. Or both? I dunno, he’s a God that didn’t exist until a few years prior. Immaculate conception ftw.
This book series, The Last Dragon Chronicles, is a perfect example of when an author tries to mash together multiple different stories into a single series and, in my opinion, it fails miserably. The alien space fairies. The guy not existing until he was written into existence. The polar bears being guardians of a dragon. Those could have very easily been plot points for an entire different series. There wasn’t really much need to expand on The Fire Within, let along expand it beyond that first trilogy.
The first book is a charming read. I certainly recommend it. The next two... read if you want, but don’t expect the same charm. The rest... stay far away from.
in my most recent game of team defense fort 2 i was banned from a 24/7 hightower pony rp server for screaming ‘incoming gamer!’ into my mic every time i respawned or charged as demoman. and i have to say, nothing really prepares you for the sensation of hearing a grown man say with no hint of irony in his voice, ‘mr sex goblin, if you dont stop saying that im banning you from ponyville forever’
they are sexually mature at ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS OLD.
their (live!) young gestate for. wait for it. eight to eighteen (??) YEARS. can have up to 10 at a time. good grief.
longest lifespan of any vertebrate, up to five hundred years
toxic flesh
has giant eyes but is usually blind because of a weird little crustacean that's evolved to live on and eat their eyes. this doesn't seem to bother them much.
lives in deep cold water and has the lowest swim speed and tail-beat frequency for its size across all fish species. just generally lives life in extreme slow motion
largest genome of any shark
eats everything including moose and polar bears
ma'am you are delightfully strange and I'm privileged to share a planet with you
Now I know you ain’t talking with ya dusty ass grimoire. That bad boy is held together with scotch tape, spit, and faith. Helpful hint: you want the spines of your enemies to break, not your magical tomes.
no cause it's really cute hearing that from you when last i checked your grimoire isn't being passed down from generation to generation. i know you got it from walmart with your dollar store lookin ass staff. you can keep your hint.
I just think it’s funny you think anything that isn’t dusted and busted like your grimoire is somehow less authentic, when the reality is you a broke ass wizard who can’t get your coin up! You gotta use hand-me-downs cuz no king wants to make use of your services! Maybe you should dress like this isn’t the third century and ppl would visit your sad lil’ wizard tower. Your grimoire so old I bet that shit got spells to deal with dinosaurs. I got a spell in mine to make wifi anywhere. Oh, and I know you ain’t talking about staffs when you carry around that plywood looking ass shit. You tryna conjure forth a Home Depot employee?
And I’m supposed to listen to you two when you both wear TRAFFIC CONE HATS?? Hate to tell you this buds, but I do think that the plastic hat kinda matches y’all’s plastic fashion taste and y’all’s plastic ass spells.
The boulder pushing punishment is iconic. But I think more people should know the reason Sisyphus was punished to begin with, which was for cheating death, twice.
The first time he cheated death, Sisyphus had just angered Zeus by revealing the location of the Asopid Aegina whom Zeus abducted. Which is super valid, fuck Zeus.
Sisyphus knew that Zeus would send the god of death Thanatos after him, so he prepared a trap and trapped Thanatos in the chains meant for him.
After that, nothing on Earth was able to die so long as Thanatos was in chains. Which meant no animals could be sacrificed to the gods. This angered the gods, who made Sisyphus' life so miserable with pain and illness that he would beg for death. And so he released Thanatos.
But then came the second time Sisyphus cheated death. As he was dying, he asked his wife to dump his naked corpse in the middle of the public square. Denied a proper burial, his soul ended up on the far side of the river Styx, unable to cross.
He complained to Hades and Persephone about how his wife disrespected him, and begged them to let him return briefly to the world of the living to scold her and make her bury him properly. They agreed, and Sisyphus returned to life. He then embraced his wife, and refused to return to the Underworld.
It's only when he finally died of old age that he was sent to Tartarus and punished with the boulder.
I don't remember where I've seen it, but I like the interpretation that Sisyphus doesn't have to push the boulder. He can choose to stay in Tartarus and rest. But he was promised that if he managed to push the boulder to the top of the mountain, he'll ascend to Elysium.
And Sisyphus, in his stubbornness and cleverness, refuses to give up on a challenge.
One must indeed imagine Sisyphus happy, planning and scheming about how he'll cheat the gods next.
Titanium not only is crazy durable, but it noo magnet! Thas wy Dock chok jjiun spi; surgyr ad pater noster, qui es in cœlis; sanctificetur nomen tuum: Adveniat regnum tuum; fiat voluntas tua, sicut in cœlo, et in terra. Panem nostrum cotidianum da nobis hodie: Et dimitte nobis debita nostra, sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris: et ne nos inducas in tentationem: sed libera nos a malo.
Fun fact! Titanium is often used for medical implants because it's *dodges lorem ipsum beam* because it's strong, nontoxic, won't corrode inside the body, and best of all, *dodges* bone will directly grow onto it! This is called "osseointegration" and it means that your titanium artificial hip, dental implant, or whatever will have greater *dodges* greater mechanical stability and will ARRRGGH! aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit!
