The Paradisus and Boku No Hero Academia Crossover Absolutely No One Asked For, Part One: The Dawn of the Age of Quirks (footnotes inspired by Terry Pratchett)
All for One had never received a door to door solicitor before. He’d sent some of his cultists out to recruit more metahumans to his cause, but he’d been far too important to do it himself. This foreign man had black hair streaked silver and blue eyes much younger than his face. His smile held bored professionalism. “I’ve been alerted about a vault that doesn’t meet legal standards. I’m a social worker named Joel de los Santos. You’re not in any legal trouble since you have not vaulted anyone yet. I’m here not only to assess your vault but also to give you advice to ensure your future success. May I come in?” His tone made it clear the request was only a professional courtesy. He already had his foot wedged in the door to prevent it from closing.
What made this solicitation truly peculiar was that this “Joel” was knocking on the door of All for One’s secret mountain bunker. Furthermore, the vault door was located fifty feet underground, behind numerous alarms and traps.
Hence why, instead of killing this intruder, All for One asked, “How did you find me?” Then he activated a power designed to detect truth from lies.
“You were reported to Social Services by—” Joel glanced at his phone “—someone named Katydid.* Just one name, apparently, like Madonna.”
All for One, currently in the global crisis later known as the Dawn of the Age of Quirks, had no idea who Madonna** might be. Yet the truth of the claim momentarily froze him with confusion.
Joel took advantage to push his way into the vault.
As a general rule, All for One murdered anyone who pushed him, but Joel ducked under his arm without touching him. All for One didn’t even realize what had happened until Joel spoke again: “I was very impressed by the security of your vault. It’s a pleasure to meet the person who named the vaulting trope. I confess I’m excited to see what you came up with.”
The flattery stopped All for One from murder temporarily, even if he had no idea what half of that meant.***
Joel stared at the plain steel walls of a bank vault with nothing inside, except a composting toilet in the corner. He gave a small sigh, the sound of a man used to the world disappointing him. Then he started taking pictures.
Despite the security risk, All for One was flattered. “The best vault you’ve ever seen?”
“This is the worst vault I have ever seen,” Joel said flatly. “I’ve encountered lousy vaults before, mere holes in the ground or a cabin without power. Some yanderes will just attach a set of chains to their own bed and call that a vault. But never before have I seen someone put so much effort into their vault, such detailed security, only to completely fail like this. Other yanderes weren’t even trying. You gave it your best shot and somehow still ended up with this abomination. I’m taking pictures so I can show it around vault inspector headquarters and we can all laugh at you. That’s the only way to assuage my disappointment, you poor excuse for a yandere.”
If flattery was All for One’s pacifier, then naturally insults brought him to murder. Spikes shot out of his hands as he lunged—
The whiff of flowers floated through the air.
A second later, All for One stood in the middle of the vault, blinking and trying to remember why he felt so angry.
The strange man with the most piercing blue eyes said, “I apologize, that was unprofessional of me. Let’s try that again. I’m Joel de los Santos, and I’m here to help you improve your vault.”
All for One had been known to lose time before, due to the chattering ghosts in his head that sometimes afflicted him with strange urges that he succumbed to. He didn’t like anyone to see weakness in him. Therefore, his first instinct was to pretend he knew what was going on. He must have invited this man here, because no one could have gotten past his security. For some strange reason, he had decided that he wanted a consultant for his foolish little brother persuasion project. He would pretend he knew what that reason had been. “Naturally, my bank vault is extremely important to me, that’s why I’m graciously sharing it with my younger brother.”
Joel’s eyebrows drew together. “I know it can be difficult for a first-time yandere, especially one in a country without vault guidelines like Japan.**** The purpose of a vault is to make your brother love you, yes?”
“Yoichi already loves me and can’t live without me, the purpose is to make him obedient.”
“Perhaps that won’t last if you lock him up in an empty room underground.”
“He has a composting toilet!***** Besides, we grew up eating trash and getting rained on, he should be grateful for a nice metal roof over his head.”
Joel’s face continued to grow more pinched. “If you don’t at least throw a comic book in here, then your brother might be stolen by a spiky haired hero.”
“What.” All for One was honestly too confused to be murderous. “That is a suspiciously specific threat.”
“I know. The fourth wall is weak in this story.******” Joel forced a smile. “Let’s start at the basics of vault construction. Imagine if you could create an environment that your beloved wouldn’t even want to leave, by filling it with what he enjoys the most.”
All for One stared. “Beloved?”
“Oh, sorry, that’s the all-purpose word for a yandere’s obsession. It’s used for platonic yanderes too, although I know some platonic yanderes prefer ‘loved one’ as a more neutral term.”
All for One only knew what a yandere was because of all the comic books he read (or his brother forced him to listen to.) “I’m not a yandere. I don’t need my pathetic younger brother, he needs me! Frankly he should be grateful that I’m even giving him an opportunity to join my side, given how weak he is.”
“The insect sent me to deal with a baby yandere?” Joel threw up his hands. “If you can’t even acknowledge your obsession, you can’t have a vault. You have failed the inspection.”
This guy had gotten annoying enough to murder with the fire breath poison instead of spikes. However, no sooner had All for One opened his mouth than he inhaled another douse of floral scent, then his memories were gone.
His bank vault was also gone, but fortunately he had fifty spares.
*Katydid maintains that Gentrychild did it and used her name.
**An alternate Madonna exists in the United States of Paradisus. She is known as an icon for platonic yanderes. She murdered her two ex-husbands to obtain sole custody of her first two children and has since adopted (kidnapped) four more children. Paradisus adores her music and her heart overflowing with so much love for six children. The rest of the world has her on the most wanted list for serial abduction. Paradisus’ refusal to extradite her remains a source of global tension.
***This usually works, and in fact a great deal of bloodshed could have been avoided if Yoichi had ever been willing to flatter his brother.
****Joel was far too polite to call Japan a backward barbaric nation, and indeed as a deportee and social worker had a more complex view of the world than the average Paradisusian, but here it must be admitted that a tiny bit of snobbery crept into his tone.
*****All for One had nearly forgotten about the toilet. After growing up in a trash heap, his nose was dead. However he didn’t want any crap on the floor of his beloved vault.
The Paradisus and Boku No Hero Academia Crossover Absolutely No One Asked For, Part Two: Dad for One
All for One had just finished installing the last camera in his newest One for All proof vault (a two for the price of one deal good for containing both son and son’s quirk with foolish little brother inside.) A knock on the door nearly made him fall off his ladder.
The person on the other side ducked a dart trapped, then called, “Once again, I have to give you top points for security.”
All for One would swear he recognized that voice, but he couldn’t say from where. It was like a song lyric he had a mangled version of in his head. He’d always cultivated every interesting vice, including curiosity, hence why he opened the door.
The foreigner on the other side had piercing eyes and a proudly straight demeanor. Even with All for One’s dark quirk aura turned on, he remained standing with his hands casually in his pockets. As he glanced around All for One, his eyes widened. “Oh, this vault is such an improvement on the last one. Congratulations.”
Still being weak to flattery, All for One turned off the murderous aura.* “You appreciate vaults?” Maybe that was how he knew this man. He was a member of several clubs for vault appreciators.**
“I’m Joel de los Santos.” Joel smiled gently, and All for One was struck by an even stronger sense of déjà vu. There was the strangest watery scent in the air, too. It almost made him feel back in the Dawn of the Age of Quirks again. Joel continued, “I love how you’ve painted the ceiling to look like sky.”
The flattery continued to work. All for One stepped aside to allow Joel in.
Joel cooed over the giant bed with All Might sheets, admired the stockpiles of food and the padded walls to prevent harm, and laughed at the giant collection of All Might merchandise shoved into the closet as big as the rest of the vault. “I see you learned your lesson from last time. I’ve never seen such drastic improvement, not even decades later. Most people I meet on the job are terrible at learning from mistakes.”
“Izuku would rip off my face if I separated him from his collection,” All for One grumbled.
“If you’d taken my advice and added some comic books to your vault then maybe your brother wouldn’t have bounced with the first man to attempt to murder him,” Joel muttered.*** He raised his voice. “Once again your security is impeccable.” He stood on his tiptoes to examine a hidden camera. “I see you’ve programmed it to pick up on spiky-haired people, that is a new innovation since the Dawn of the Age of Quirks.”
All for One was still trying to figure out where he knew this foreigner from. “If you knew me during the Dawn of the Age of Quirks, how are you alive now?”
Joel shrugged. “For that matter, why hasn’t either of us killed each other by now? You hate intruders in your vault and I hate bad parents and bad yanderes. The fourth wall could collapse with a sneeze in this story.****”
All for One was used to people who spoke as if living in a work of fiction, because of Yoichi. He skipped back that part: “Who is the yandere and bad parent you are talking about?”
Joel pinched the bridge of his nose. “I will attempt to be professional. You are legally required to allow your son to socialize.”
“I’m a criminal, I don’t care.”
“Solitary confinement does terrible things to a young mind.”
“I grew up without speaking to anyone except my brother, and I turned out great. My son as my brother in his head, so I’m sure he’ll be fine.” All for One reconsidered as he imagined never ever being able to turn Yoichi’s speeches off. “Eh, he’ll probably give me One for All before he goes insane.”
Joel’s expression kept growing harsher. “What about schooling? Interactions with peers? Pretending to be a halfway decent parent?”
All for One waved a hand dismissively. “Too many interactions with peers caused Izuku to grow up obsessed with heroism. I should have kept him in here from birth.”
Joel stared. “Why didn’t you manage who your son became friends with, then? Every parental yandere I’ve ever known has carefully controlled their child’s social circle. I’m not saying I approve of this but a parental yandere should have arranged for their child to have a bad experience with heroism early in life to break the interest.”
“Nothing could have broken Izuku’s interest in All Might merchandise from his first newborn onesie! Besides, I tried.” All for One’s gaze turned distant with memory. “I turned a few of his friends into Nomu. One friend, at least. Then I got distracted by chasing the latest moron holding my brother’s quirk. The next thing I knew, Izuku was a teenager. Time is hard.”
The migraine could be seen clawing at Joel’s eyes. “It’s not even that you’re a dark flag, I’ve encountered many dark flags. You’re not even any good at being a yandere!”
“I remember this feeling of annoyance.” All for One’s eyes narrowed. “You should be dead. If you’re not, it’s because you erased my memories.***** That’s a very useful quirk.” His arm grew, grabbing Joel’s head to steal his power before crushing his skull like an eggshell. There was no sense murdering before picking up a great quirk.
Except no power flowed into him.
“It’s not a quirk,” Joel said calmly. Suddenly he was on the other side of the room, as if time had passed without All for One noticing. “You’ve failed again. Here I should impose consequences, but this isn’t my universe and none of this is canon.”
All for One was left standing in the empty vault, one brain cell fewer—specifically, the one with his memories of the last conversation.
*Even decades with Dr. Garaki had not cured All for One’s desire for more flattery.
**All for One’s universe being mostly lacking in yanderes, his club members appreciated historical vaults used in old banks and post offices. Sometimes their careless online posts gave All for One enough information to steal their vaults from them. For this reason, All for One didn’t immediately attempt to kill Joel, as he might have a vault worth adding to the collection.
***He spoke too low for All for One to hear, or this would be an even shorter story.
****By this point Joel was just begging for his benevolent author to write a crossover with the werewolfverse next.
*****All for One had one brain cell and he used it for stealing quirks.
