There is material that is intended for an ADULT audience. Please do not interact with them if you are under 18 or uncomfortable with that kind of material. They will be highlighted.
Fandoms
Lord of the Rings
Letters to My Love - Haldir x fem!reader (fluff/pining - teens and up)
Imagine your favourite Elf serenading you Haldir x fem!reader (character death/hurt comfort - general audience)
Sweet Conversations - Haldir x fem!reader (mutual pining - teens and up)
Welcome Home - Haldir x fem!reader (oneshot pwp explicit)
The Hobbit
Red Red Rose - (general no warnings)
69th Follower Celebration with Thranduil - Thranduil X fem!reader (oneshot explicit)
MeChat: Love Secrets
What You Need - Andrew Castillo x fem!mc (oneshot explicit)
You'll Be My Focus - Daniel Divies x fem!mc (oneshot mature)
Driving Desire - Daniel Divies x fem!mc (multi chapter mature on hiatus)
Line Of Sight - Lucas Pike x fem!mc (oneshot explicit)
Falling Into Me - Lucas Pike x fem!mc (multi chapter explicit on hiatus)
Saucy Times - Lucas Pike x fem!mc (oneshot explicit)
Secret Smile - Antonio Benson x fem!mc (oneshot mature)
Warnings: Stalking behaviour, anxiety, language, sexual references, angst, smut, heartbreak, gunshot wounds and recovery, abduction, hostage situation, PTSD, torture mention.
Summary: Lucas takes notice of a young woman, Amy, but his obsession and want to get to know her begin to spiral out of control. Amy is now working for MI-5, after being recruited by Ros. But will her involvement with Lucas cause even more problems and heartbreak?
When Amy's parents get involved, how will things pan out for Amy and Lucas?
Official soundtrack list: here
Comments/Notes: If you wish to be tagged in any of my tag lists for fics or characters, please let me know, and stipulate what you want to be tagged in. People who don't engage are gradually being removed from my tag list.
This fic does have an ending in sight...finally. :)
Feedback, comments and suggestions are always very valuable. My messages and ask box (including anons!) are open.
Thank you so much to those of you who have remained with me through this journey writing this story, and while we are very close to the end of this story, it's not the end of Lucas and Amy! ;)
Morning sickness began, or at least got stronger; Amy couldn’t quite tell. Most mornings that Amy had got up in the last month and she had felt nauseous, probably due to her anxiety spikes, and not just the hormones beginning to surge.
On the day that Amy was due to meet with Ros and she could barely keep any food in her stomach. Two rounds of toast had been immediately thrown back up. Three days later would be Amy’s booking appointment, where she would speak to a doctor or midwife face to face and begin the process of booking her first scan.
Amy was shaking in the bathroom, unable to control the emotions that were flooding her. She couldn’t face the mirror and turned away, feeling the tears begin to fall. They had been relentless the last six weeks. And after she had been faced with three positive pregnancy tests and then been pushed away again by Lucas, that huge, gaping hole in her gut had grown exponentially. It was overpowering her now, rendering her broken.
Nights were the worst. Amy was left alone with nothing but her thoughts, and she would always think of Lucas. She replayed the memories of when he tickled her under the bedclothes, when he would come behind her in the kitchen and wind his arms around her, the feel of his hand in hers, the smell of his cologne, the sound of his voice. Every night and she prayed he would contact her, but he didn’t. Her texts and WhatsApp remained empty of any new messages from Lucas North.
Even her dreams reflected her deep longing for him, and the emptiness that was dragging her down, pulling her into a black sea of nothingness. Upon waking she would remember shards of her dreams in which she was calling for him, crying out, begging. And when she woke, she would feel tears clinging to her cheeks.
Ros waited for Amy in a Costa, which was in the city centre of Coventry. She slipped away towards the back of the shop and waited. It wasn’t long before she saw Amy’s familiar figure step into the building.
Amy stopped, scanned the sea of heads and then nodded as she caught Ros’ gaze.
“What would you like? I’ll get it,” Ros offered with a faint smile.
“Just a cup of tea, please. I need to keep it a little more bland. I’ve been really sick the last day or two,” Amy said.
Ros didn’t answer, but instead walked to the counter and placed her order.
Amy sat down, being temporarily taken back to the café she frequented with Lucas. The place where it all began just over a year ago. It would be their one year anniversary the following week if they had still remained together. The night when Amy had fully let him in, the beginning of their rocky relationship.
Amy watched Ros order their drinks. Why did these people sacrifice everything in their lives just for the sake of a job? What was it about MI5 that was so special? They had given up their normal lives, friends, family, for this job. Lucas thought he could have a normal life, but that had all turned out to be false. No one had a normal life. The long list of casualties on the job proved that. Amy had heard about many of them. Surveillance operatives who had found themselves in deeper shit than they could have ever imagined.
A tightness was growing in Amy’s chest now, that sensation which had been a friend of hers since Lucas left her life. She woke up with it every morning now, sometimes accompanied with a tension headache and a sense of dread at facing a new day.
“What should I do?” Amy asked simply, as Ros placed the drinks down on the table. “Lucas is adamant that my parents are right, and has told me he’ll come to the scans and birth but won’t be with me. How can I get through to him?”
Ros sighed and began opening a sachet of sugar. “Lucas is stubborn at the best of times. But if you want to be together enough then you’ll do it. Lucas wants you safe, and neither of us can argue with that.”
“I’m not worth the fight for him.”
“No, it’s not that at all,” Ros said, shaking her head for emphasis. “I’ve known him about three years now, and never saw him as content as when he was with you. He finally seemed at peace with himself. You really bring out the best in him, and he adores you. Never think anything less than that. Lucas never does anything by half measure, especially when it comes to you.”
Amy looked down into her lap and felt the tears come again. “I wish he would let me make up my own mind. He’s always making decisions for me.”
“I know, and I’ve told him that. By your parents and Lucas protecting you, they’re suffocating you. We’ve all got to make our own way in life sooner or later. I’ve made enough of my own choices in life, some good and some bad. I know full well that this job comes with risk to those you love. I lost someone I loved through it.”
“I’m so sorry, Ros. I had no idea,” Amy replied.
Ros smiled at Amy. “You didn’t know him, but you’ve probably heard his name mentioned. Adam Carter. Things wouldn’t have worked out between us. I always knew that. The job kept us apart, but he died on the job, same as his wife, Fiona. MI5 will either make or break you, Amy. But either way, once you’re in, you don’t leave. You and Lucas are truly devoted to each other, and you deserve happiness.”
***
“You’re approximately twelve weeks,” the midwife told Amy. “Baby is growing well. Seems quite active.”
Then Amy heard it: the first actual sound of her baby’s heartbeat. Amy smiled, staring at the screen, looking at the moving mass. Sharon held Amy’s hand, watching her daughter’s face as it lit up for the first time in six weeks since being home in Coventry.
“I estimate your due date approximately the last week of August.” The midwife wiped the gel from Amy’s stomach and paused the image on the screen, printing the scan. “I’ll book you for your next scan, and hopefully then we can determine the sex of the baby, if you want to know.”
Amy smiled. “I’d love to know. I always had it planned out in my head that if I had children, I’d want to know. It helps me get to know them better.”
The midwife, a middle-aged lady with short greying hair and glasses, smiled. “That’s nice,” she said simply.
Amy looked away and sighed. Of course the midwife wouldn’t be as interested; she saw dozens of pregnant women every day, and no doubt they all sounded like a broken record to her.
Would Lucas want to know the sex of their child? He should have been here, but Amy couldn’t stand the idea of him being half in and half out, having to see him at scans but not being able to go home with him. Everything at the moment was a mixture of emotion, and it was confusing. One minute she was sad, the next angry. The grief of an ended relationship, and the anger of Lucas making the decision he had, alternated frequently, like a whirlwind.
In the car and Amy sat in the passenger seat, her thumb trailing the curve of the baby’s head. “Should I send a copy to Lucas?” she asked absently.
“I still think it’s best he has no part in this,” Sharon hissed. “We’ll all pull together as a family, we always do.”
***
Time passed, weeks turning into months.
Amy felt the tension and anxiety lessen, as the nausea got worse by her fifth month, and then eased again. The fluttering sensations began, something she knew was inevitable as the baby grew. Her stomach was becoming harder and more prominent, resting a little heavier on the waist of her trousers.
Ros still remained in touch, having formally put Amy on early maternity leave after two months of sick leave. She had done all she could to keep the position open for Amy and also enable money to continue coming in, so she at least had something to live off.
Lucas was silent. Sometimes his deafening silence brought her to tears in the middle of the night as she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, praying he would be back beside her one day. She tried to imagine what the baby would look like, giving it Lucas’ grey blue eyes. But thinking on the baby’s appearance, always caused her to break down again.
***
Over a hundred miles away, in London, Lucas sat at the dining room table. He stared at the wall, the lifeless atmosphere of the place seeping into every fibre of his being. Three and a half months now he had lived by himself, haunted by Amy. Every inch of the place reminded him of her. After all, it was her flat originally. Living with her had been bliss; he would kiss her on his way out of the door, or at the main door to their office as they travelled in, pining for the end of the day when he would see her again.
Lucas walked slowly into the kitchen and looked out of the window, into the communal garden. It was growing dusk, with longer days moving in as the weeks passed quickly through spring. He thought of Amy, imagining her sitting in the garden, holding a baby on her lap, reading her old battered copy of The Hobbit, with a warm sun high in the sky. He had given her the ultimate gift, the one thing she had wanted for a while now, but he couldn’t enjoy it with her. Lucas knew she would be an amazing mother; doting, kind, eager to play and re-live her own childhood through their little one.
Work seemed to be the only thing that got Lucas through each day, making him soldier on in this empty existence. It felt like being back in prison. Rather than being locked in a cell, he was locked in loneliness within his own mind. Memories of Amy were all around him. Would he ever be able to let go? The more he pondered on that fact, the more he knew the answer. The years Lucas had spent with Elizabeta had revolved around their work as operatives, and upon his return to the UK from Russia, their temporary ties were still work-based, her being his handler. The months with Sarah were, again, work-based. Everything revolved around MI5. Amy was so different. Their relationship had been built away from work, despite work being the thing that was constantly pushing them toward breaking point. Their love for each other was almost innocent, pure. It didn’t revolve around necessity.
One way to numb the pain was alcohol. In the last few weeks and Lucas had welcomed whiskey and vodka into his life on a more permanent basis. The bedside table housed half empty bottles.
Lucas even made himself feel the pain of showers, turning on the fast jet of water so he could be taken back to his days of torture in Lushanka. Re-live the waterboarding, where ice cold water was thrown over him as he begged for mercy and tried desperately to hold onto the information the Russians so badly wanted. He deserved the pain and the anguish. Beneath the water he shivered and wept, waiting and wishing for everything to end. Then maybe upon his deathbed, he could at least see her one last time in his moments of euphoria.
That night and he sat on the edge of the bed, downing whiskey from the bottle. He rubbed his stubbled chin and stared aimlessly through the gloom.
Amy was so ready to fight for you and you just let her go.
But she needs to be protected. Her and the baby.
You want her and she wants you. Fuck what her parents think.
The arguments raged. Back and forth the voices went, turning into whispers the more that Lucas drank from the bottle.
Tears trickled down Lucas’ cheek as he picked up his phone, and for the first time in months, he sent a single message to Amy. The alcohol had worn his inhibitions right down.
I love you.
***
Amy stared at the message, unable to comprehend that Lucas had actually sent her something. He’d been silent now for months, so she had taken this as her sign to leave him be and go through her pregnancy alone. The timestamp on the message was 2:04am. Messages in the dead of night were always a cry for help in some way. She whispered his name, still feeling stunned and not sure what to do.
A few hours passed and Amy still wondered what on earth to do with the message from Lucas. She’d looked back at the message multiple times, making sure that she wasn’t imagining it all. But it was still there. Three simple, desperate words.
An incoming call came from Ros.
“Hi, Ros. Is everything okay?” Amy asked, trying to force a cheerful tone.
“I wish I could say it was,” she replied. “Lucas didn’t turn up for work this morning, and has been coming in smelling of drink. Amy, he’s not doing well. He needs you.”
Amy sighed and swallowed hard. “He’s stubborn, Ros. No matter what I say and do, he won’t let me come back. You know he won’t.”
“Something tells me not this time.”
A short time later and Amy was staring at a letter she had left on her parents’ dining table. She had explained that she needed to go back to London and was taking the next available train out to London Euston. Amy knew her parents would go absolutely ballistic, especially her mum. But there was no way she could let Lucas remain alone and suffer.
Lucas had suffered enough in his life and all Amy wanted was to see him find peace, wherever and whoever he found that with. He deserved peace; after all, he put his life on the line daily to protect the UK public. Of course he deserved some peace. She wanted to embrace him, comfort him, just be there and hold him during his dark hours.
On the train an hour later and Amy flicked through her purse, checking that she had enough cash to get her across London to her old flat. But as she rummaged in the coin compartment, she felt something long against her fingers. It was her original flat keys; two of them held together on a ring. One got her through the front door into the lobby area, and the other got her into the flat itself. Why had she kept them all this time? Was it because she always knew she would one day be going back?
The flashing of buildings and landscape somehow soothed her, while a teenage girl of around sixteen years of age sat next to Amy, flicking through Instagram, and occasionally posing in her front facing camera.
The closer she got to London and the more she could feel the fluttering in her belly, which was now showing.
For a second, she placed her hand on her bump and smiled.
We’re going to see your daddy.
Apprehension and excitement both rose inside Amy. She had missed Lucas more than she could ever express, and while on the underground and then walking the street, getting closer to the flat, she could feel her anxiety taking hold.
The last time she had been in London and it had been cold, but now it was mild, a sure sign of spring. It was just after six in the evening when she made it to her old building and looked at the familiar sight. Sadness rose in her chest and she thought back on the day she had moved in, nervous at the prospect of a new beginning. Now she had another new beginning on the horizon, one that involved a new person, a new life.
Amy let herself into the main front entrance of the building, and then walked down the corridor to flat number three. With a deep breath, she knocked, waiting for a response.
***
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OK! So now I've read and digested the chapter I just wanted to point out some things that made me cry and scream.
Amy was shaking in the bathroom, unable to control the emotions that were flooding her. She couldn’t face the mirror and turned away, feeling the tears begin to fall. They had been relentless the last six weeks. And after she had been faced with three positive pregnancy tests and then been pushed away again by Lucas, that huge, gaping hole in her gut had grown exponentially. It was overpowering her now, rendering her broken.
I love how visceral you are able to convey characters feelings, the sheer panic and despair that Amy must feel mixed with the joy I can't even imagine what that would do to you mental and physically. Especially with the heightened emotion of hormones in the mix. I can feel the empty feeling in her gut, that feeling of rejection from the one person you had that finally saw you as you and accepted everything the good and bad. Then to have that ripped away from you, to have the one person walk away seemingly not wanting to fight for you? And when you are at your most vulnerable? I would just fall apart then and there.
Even her dreams reflected her deep longing for him, and the emptiness that was dragging her down, pulling her into a black sea of nothingness. Upon waking she would remember shards of her dreams in which she was calling for him, crying out, begging. And when she woke, she would feel tears clinging to her cheeks.
Even in dreams the torment Amy feels is so heartbreaking. You always feel like when you sleep you're finally able to retreat from the world and your pain. I feel I'm there with her, lying there feeling like my world is being swept away. The description of the black sea of emptiness dragging her down hit me so much and her remembering that she was calling out to Lucas, crying and begging him but there's only that void. I honestly just want to hug her, Amy seems to think that she's not strong but to go through that, to feel that complete heartache but keep going she's so resilient. The sense of building pressure of despair you craft with Amy's thoughts and feelings both emotional and physical are so perfect. Ugh my heart just bleeds for her so much I want to just hold her hand and comfort her. I hope one day I can create such a real and relatable character like with Amy.
A tightness was growing in Amy’s chest now, that sensation which had been a friend of hers since Lucas left her life. She woke up with it every morning now, sometimes accompanied with a tension headache and a sense of dread at facing a new day.
The way you describe that feeling of dread at facing a new day was such a gut punch to me. I think we all can admit to ourselves that we have felt like that. I love the description of that tightness in her chest, again you build the sense of anxiousness, that stress and pressure that's simmering in her. Uuuuugh it's so beautifully angsty!
“I know, and I’ve told him that. By your parents and Lucas protecting you, they’re suffocating you. We’ve all got to make our own way in life sooner or later. I’ve made enough of my own choices in life, some good and some bad. I know full well that this job comes with risk to those you love. I lost someone I loved through it.”
This, this right here is why we all need a Ros. I absolutely LOVE her dynamic with Amy. She's the only one who actually makes Amy decide what AMY wants to do. To encourage Amy to make her own decisions, to give her advice but not pressure Amy one way or another. Sharing that wisdom Ros has learned about the job and life that comes with it but be realistic, not sugar coat or doom say it. I think with Ros gentle guidance Amy can finally see herself as the world does a powerful and capable woman.
Then Amy heard it: the first actual sound of her baby’s heartbeat. Amy smiled, staring at the screen, looking at the moving mass. Sharon held Amy’s hand, watching her daughter’s face as it lit up for the first time in six weeks since being home in Coventry.
I love the perspective of Sharon here, holding her daughters hand and seeing her come back to life again hearing the baby's heartbeat. I can see the way Amy is looking in my head with the way you describe it there's always such cinematic quality to it. I can see it on the screen so clearly. I can see Amy's first smile in weeks as she looks at the screen, that little bit of hope in Amy with that smile.
Would Lucas want to know the sex of their child? He should have been here, but Amy couldn’t stand the idea of him being half in and half out, having to see him at scans but not being able to go home with him. Everything at the moment was a mixture of emotion, and it was confusing. One minute she was sad, the next angry. The grief of an ended relationship, and the anger of Lucas making the decision he had, alternated frequently, like a whirlwind.
In the car and Amy sat in the passenger seat, her thumb trailing the curve of the baby’s head. “Should I send a copy to Lucas?” she asked absently.
“I still think it’s best he has no part in this,” Sharon hissed. “We’ll all pull together as a family, we always do.”
Ok I think this is such a brilliant mix of emotion! The way you convey such realness at the confusion at excitement and mourning. The frustration that the decision had been made for Amy yet again without her say so. Sharon's lack of understanding of what Amy actually wants. And I do love that Sharon's attitude, even though it could be perceived as meanness, it's purely done out of love and wanting to protect her child and grandchild. It's done out of what Sharon thinks will keep Amy and the baby safe. But it's at this point we can see that Amy isn't a child anymore. Yes Amy might want advice but Amy needs to spread her own wings and at some point just like Amy is now you start to create your own little family outside of the parental unit. I think Sharon is brilliant complex character, she's not this villain trying to intentionally hurt Amy by keeping her apart from Lucas but this desperate mother fighting off any potential threat of harm.
Over a hundred miles away, in London, Lucas sat at the dining room table. He stared at the wall, the lifeless atmosphere of the place seeping into every fibre of his being. Three and a half months now he had lived by himself, haunted by Amy. Every inch of the place reminded him of her. After all, it was her flat originally. Living with her had been bliss; he would kiss her on his way out of the door, or at the main door to their office as they travelled in, pining for the end of the day when he would see her again.
I know I keep saying this but I love the way you can describe a scene so clearly without overselling it. I can see Lucas sitting there bleakly in that flat the colour of life drained out of him with the contrast to him reliving his life filled in memory with light. You've created this atmosphere of him sitting here alone feels so cold and devoid of any warmth.
He thought of Amy, imagining her sitting in the garden, holding a baby on her lap, reading her old battered copy of The Hobbit, with a warm sun high in the sky. He had given her the ultimate gift, the one thing she had wanted for a while now, but he couldn’t enjoy it with her. Lucas knew she would be an amazing mother; doting, kind, eager to play and re-live her own childhood through their little one.
I see the little nod with the book madam! It's so heartbreaking to see the process of him totally breaking down and giving up. To see him torment himself with the life that he's always wanted but feels he's not allowed.
Work seemed to be the only thing that got Lucas through each day, making him soldier on in this empty existence. It felt like being back in prison. Rather than being locked in a cell, he was locked in loneliness within his own mind. Memories of Amy were all around him. Would he ever be able to let go? The more he pondered on that fact, the more he knew the answer. The years Lucas had spent with Elizabeta had revolved around their work as operatives, and upon his return to the UK from Russia, their temporary ties were still work-based, her being his handler. The months with Sarah were, again, work-based. Everything revolved around MI5. Amy was so different. Their relationship had been built away from work, despite work being the thing that was constantly pushing them toward breaking point. Their love for each other was almost innocent, pure. It didn’t revolve around necessity.
Again this was so wonderfully descriptive of Lucas's life being so cold and grey without Amy. Going through the motions of routine to get through the day. It's so heartrending to see him turn in on himself, it's interesting to see how the way his past relationships contrast so sharply with his and Amy's. I love the way you let us see underneath Lucas's MI5 mask. For us to see him compare and coming to realise what it was that he actually wanted in a relationship. That with Amy she saw him as the man outside of MI5. That all she wanted was him the man, not what she could get out of him with MI5 and had no ulterior motives.
Lucas even made himself feel the pain of showers, turning on the fast jet of water so he could be taken back to his days of torture in Lushanka. Re-live the waterboarding, where ice cold water was thrown over him as he begged for mercy and tried desperately to hold onto the information the Russians so badly wanted. He deserved the pain and the anguish. Beneath the water he shivered and wept, waiting and wishing for everything to end. Then maybe upon his deathbed, he could at least see her one last time in his moments of euphoria.
That night and he sat on the edge of the bed, downing whiskey from the bottle. He rubbed his stubbled chin and stared aimlessly through the gloom.
Tears trickled down Lucas’ cheek as he picked up his phone, and for the first time in months, he sent a single message to Amy. The alcohol had worn his inhibitions right down.
I love you.
Ok this section was so utterly bleak and my heart was bleeding for Lucas. Him showering to essentially self harm was so gut wrenching. You delivered his complete falling apart with such a brilliant punch. There's no heavy handedness and brash it's a deliberate careful trickle to this crescendo of how far he has fallen into despair to the image of him sitting on the bed drunk and at the end of his tether. The ultimate broken man, with the only thing in his head to just reach out to Amy. Those three words are so simple but they packed such a kick it was brilliantly written.
A short time later and Amy was staring at a letter she had left on her parents’ dining table. She had explained that she needed to go back to London and was taking the next available train out to London Euston. Amy knew her parents would go absolutely ballistic, especially her mum. But there was no way she could let Lucas remain alone and suffer.
He deserved peace; after all, he put his life on the line daily to protect the UK public. Of course he deserved some peace. She wanted to embrace him, comfort him, just be there and hold him during his dark hours.
This was such a huge turning point for me seeing Amy's character development. Amy taking that stand to do what she thought was the right thing to do by her family. That fear of what her Mum would say but still taking that brave plunge to be there for Lucas. And the way you are able to show Amy's pure love for Lucas. To reinforce the fact that Amy just wants to see him safe, to see him happy. Before we have seen Lucas taking charge or the relationship and being the protector but Amy does it with quiet grace and strength it's beautiful.
It was her original flat keys; two of them held together on a ring. One got her through the front door into the lobby area, and the other got her into the flat itself. Why had she kept them all this time? Was it because she always knew she would one day be going back?
HELLO FATE! Showing up and giving a little nudge!
For a second, she placed her hand on her bump and smiled.
We’re going to see your daddy.
I was smiling ear to ear at this bit, head in hands grinning like a big idiot cheering Amy on.
The last time she had been in London and it had been cold, but now it was mild, a sure sign of spring. It was just after six in the evening when she made it to her old building and looked at the familiar sight. Sadness rose in her chest and she thought back on the day she had moved in, nervous at the prospect of a new beginning. Now she had another new beginning on the horizon, one that involved a new person, a new life.
I thought this was such a beautiful sense of the passing of time, again it's so cinematic. That sense of the seasons changing around them as they go through the ups and downs (and shooting and kidnapping!) I loved the contrast of the new beginnings for Amy, it was so bittersweet but that hope you build into it. It's a new start in a phase of her life I thought it was so poignant that Amy returning with this new sense of discovery about herself in that she is out to take that new horizon and shape it for herself and her new family.
Amy let herself into the main front entrance of the building, and then walked down the corridor to flat number three. With a deep breath, she knocked, waiting for a response.
THE. CLIFFHANGER. MADAM! I BLOODY took a deep breath at this as she knocked on the door! Damn, I fucking love the pace you've created in this and the journey your showed Amy and Lucas going through. Both with the utter heartbreak and despair at losing each other. Amy with the rejection and confusion that Lucas is not seeming to fight for her and the utter terror that she is alone. But bloody Hell she keeps going, and pushing herself forward despite not knowing what direction to go in. But with Ros's little nudge Amy's is standing up and fighting for what SHE wants. AMY is making that decision! Taking that chance which must be terrifying. And MAN it's so satisfying and exciting to see her on that journey.
And Lucas we see him completely falling apart and it was so interesting to see him (through Amy's eyes) as the strong confident person of MI5 actually just as vulnerable and desperate. And I know Amy wants someone to fight for her and maybe that person is also herself that need to do that fighting for herself if that makes sense? The character development and to see her grow as a person has been such a wonderful rollercoaster. It's felt so natural with the pacing. And we see that Lucas is now in desperate need for someone to fight for him and Amy is that strength and has always been with her selfless love and dedication to him and his happiness. With Lucas you can see that with his past relationships did they really see him as the Lucas North the man not Lucas North MI5? Amy did. I love the contrast between them from the beginning and now. Amy standing on her own two feet scared but not backing down and facing her life head while Lucas from the confident MI5 agent to Lucas the man lost in wanting the one thing he feels he shouldn't be allowed to have, a family and life.
I hope what I've written makes sense I just wanted to share my thoughts and how much joy and heartache it's been watching their journey together. I'm so hyped and nervous about where you are going to take them next @fizzyxcustard!
@glassgulls I really can’t thank you enough for taking the time to make all these comments on the fic, and give such in depth feedback. This fic is very special to me, and it’s been a rollercoaster for me because of how emotional writing this has been. You’ve been my rock for so long now, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you do. ♥️🫂♥️🫂♥️
It was my utter pleasure to do so, I just wish I was more eloquent with how much you're writing means to me how much you've brought Amy and Lucas alive for us. It's an honour to be able to share their journey and I'm so incredibly thankful you share it with me. You're so incredibly talented and I'm here to remind you of that when you have any moments of doubt. I know this has been so difficult for you to keep going but I'm so proud and look up to you in your determination to push forward.
I think you forget how much you are my rock! You've been a blessing in my life and I'm so glad I met you. Thank you for being my best friend, and being there for me always. Love you lots madam. 🫂❤️🫂❤️🫂
Warnings: Stalking behaviour, anxiety, language, sexual references, angst, smut, heartbreak, gunshot wounds and recovery, abduction, hostage situation, PTSD, torture mention.
Summary: Lucas takes notice of a young woman, Amy, but his obsession and want to get to know her begin to spiral out of control. Amy is now working for MI-5, after being recruited by Ros. But will her involvement with Lucas cause even more problems and heartbreak?
When Amy's parents get involved, how will things pan out for Amy and Lucas?
Official soundtrack list: here
Comments/Notes: If you wish to be tagged in any of my tag lists for fics or characters, please let me know, and stipulate what you want to be tagged in. People who don't engage are gradually being removed from my tag list.
This fic does have an ending in sight...finally. :)
Feedback, comments and suggestions are always very valuable. My messages and ask box (including anons!) are open.
Thank you so much to those of you who have remained with me through this journey writing this story, and while we are very close to the end of this story, it's not the end of Lucas and Amy! ;)
Morning sickness began, or at least got stronger; Amy couldn’t quite tell. Most mornings that Amy had got up in the last month and she had felt nauseous, probably due to her anxiety spikes, and not just the hormones beginning to surge.
On the day that Amy was due to meet with Ros and she could barely keep any food in her stomach. Two rounds of toast had been immediately thrown back up. Three days later would be Amy’s booking appointment, where she would speak to a doctor or midwife face to face and begin the process of booking her first scan.
Amy was shaking in the bathroom, unable to control the emotions that were flooding her. She couldn’t face the mirror and turned away, feeling the tears begin to fall. They had been relentless the last six weeks. And after she had been faced with three positive pregnancy tests and then been pushed away again by Lucas, that huge, gaping hole in her gut had grown exponentially. It was overpowering her now, rendering her broken.
Nights were the worst. Amy was left alone with nothing but her thoughts, and she would always think of Lucas. She replayed the memories of when he tickled her under the bedclothes, when he would come behind her in the kitchen and wind his arms around her, the feel of his hand in hers, the smell of his cologne, the sound of his voice. Every night and she prayed he would contact her, but he didn’t. Her texts and WhatsApp remained empty of any new messages from Lucas North.
Even her dreams reflected her deep longing for him, and the emptiness that was dragging her down, pulling her into a black sea of nothingness. Upon waking she would remember shards of her dreams in which she was calling for him, crying out, begging. And when she woke, she would feel tears clinging to her cheeks.
Ros waited for Amy in a Costa, which was in the city centre of Coventry. She slipped away towards the back of the shop and waited. It wasn’t long before she saw Amy’s familiar figure step into the building.
Amy stopped, scanned the sea of heads and then nodded as she caught Ros’ gaze.
“What would you like? I’ll get it,” Ros offered with a faint smile.
“Just a cup of tea, please. I need to keep it a little more bland. I’ve been really sick the last day or two,” Amy said.
Ros didn’t answer, but instead walked to the counter and placed her order.
Amy sat down, being temporarily taken back to the café she frequented with Lucas. The place where it all began just over a year ago. It would be their one year anniversary the following week if they had still remained together. The night when Amy had fully let him in, the beginning of their rocky relationship.
Amy watched Ros order their drinks. Why did these people sacrifice everything in their lives just for the sake of a job? What was it about MI5 that was so special? They had given up their normal lives, friends, family, for this job. Lucas thought he could have a normal life, but that had all turned out to be false. No one had a normal life. The long list of casualties on the job proved that. Amy had heard about many of them. Surveillance operatives who had found themselves in deeper shit than they could have ever imagined.
A tightness was growing in Amy’s chest now, that sensation which had been a friend of hers since Lucas left her life. She woke up with it every morning now, sometimes accompanied with a tension headache and a sense of dread at facing a new day.
“What should I do?” Amy asked simply, as Ros placed the drinks down on the table. “Lucas is adamant that my parents are right, and has told me he’ll come to the scans and birth but won’t be with me. How can I get through to him?”
Ros sighed and began opening a sachet of sugar. “Lucas is stubborn at the best of times. But if you want to be together enough then you’ll do it. Lucas wants you safe, and neither of us can argue with that.”
“I’m not worth the fight for him.”
“No, it’s not that at all,” Ros said, shaking her head for emphasis. “I’ve known him about three years now, and never saw him as content as when he was with you. He finally seemed at peace with himself. You really bring out the best in him, and he adores you. Never think anything less than that. Lucas never does anything by half measure, especially when it comes to you.”
Amy looked down into her lap and felt the tears come again. “I wish he would let me make up my own mind. He’s always making decisions for me.”
“I know, and I’ve told him that. By your parents and Lucas protecting you, they’re suffocating you. We’ve all got to make our own way in life sooner or later. I’ve made enough of my own choices in life, some good and some bad. I know full well that this job comes with risk to those you love. I lost someone I loved through it.”
“I’m so sorry, Ros. I had no idea,” Amy replied.
Ros smiled at Amy. “You didn’t know him, but you’ve probably heard his name mentioned. Adam Carter. Things wouldn’t have worked out between us. I always knew that. The job kept us apart, but he died on the job, same as his wife, Fiona. MI5 will either make or break you, Amy. But either way, once you’re in, you don’t leave. You and Lucas are truly devoted to each other, and you deserve happiness.”
***
“You’re approximately twelve weeks,” the midwife told Amy. “Baby is growing well. Seems quite active.”
Then Amy heard it: the first actual sound of her baby’s heartbeat. Amy smiled, staring at the screen, looking at the moving mass. Sharon held Amy’s hand, watching her daughter’s face as it lit up for the first time in six weeks since being home in Coventry.
“I estimate your due date approximately the last week of August.” The midwife wiped the gel from Amy’s stomach and paused the image on the screen, printing the scan. “I’ll book you for your next scan, and hopefully then we can determine the sex of the baby, if you want to know.”
Amy smiled. “I’d love to know. I always had it planned out in my head that if I had children, I’d want to know. It helps me get to know them better.”
The midwife, a middle-aged lady with short greying hair and glasses, smiled. “That’s nice,” she said simply.
Amy looked away and sighed. Of course the midwife wouldn’t be as interested; she saw dozens of pregnant women every day, and no doubt they all sounded like a broken record to her.
Would Lucas want to know the sex of their child? He should have been here, but Amy couldn’t stand the idea of him being half in and half out, having to see him at scans but not being able to go home with him. Everything at the moment was a mixture of emotion, and it was confusing. One minute she was sad, the next angry. The grief of an ended relationship, and the anger of Lucas making the decision he had, alternated frequently, like a whirlwind.
In the car and Amy sat in the passenger seat, her thumb trailing the curve of the baby’s head. “Should I send a copy to Lucas?” she asked absently.
“I still think it’s best he has no part in this,” Sharon hissed. “We’ll all pull together as a family, we always do.”
***
Time passed, weeks turning into months.
Amy felt the tension and anxiety lessen, as the nausea got worse by her fifth month, and then eased again. The fluttering sensations began, something she knew was inevitable as the baby grew. Her stomach was becoming harder and more prominent, resting a little heavier on the waist of her trousers.
Ros still remained in touch, having formally put Amy on early maternity leave after two months of sick leave. She had done all she could to keep the position open for Amy and also enable money to continue coming in, so she at least had something to live off.
Lucas was silent. Sometimes his deafening silence brought her to tears in the middle of the night as she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, praying he would be back beside her one day. She tried to imagine what the baby would look like, giving it Lucas’ grey blue eyes. But thinking on the baby’s appearance, always caused her to break down again.
***
Over a hundred miles away, in London, Lucas sat at the dining room table. He stared at the wall, the lifeless atmosphere of the place seeping into every fibre of his being. Three and a half months now he had lived by himself, haunted by Amy. Every inch of the place reminded him of her. After all, it was her flat originally. Living with her had been bliss; he would kiss her on his way out of the door, or at the main door to their office as they travelled in, pining for the end of the day when he would see her again.
Lucas walked slowly into the kitchen and looked out of the window, into the communal garden. It was growing dusk, with longer days moving in as the weeks passed quickly through spring. He thought of Amy, imagining her sitting in the garden, holding a baby on her lap, reading her old battered copy of The Hobbit, with a warm sun high in the sky. He had given her the ultimate gift, the one thing she had wanted for a while now, but he couldn’t enjoy it with her. Lucas knew she would be an amazing mother; doting, kind, eager to play and re-live her own childhood through their little one.
Work seemed to be the only thing that got Lucas through each day, making him soldier on in this empty existence. It felt like being back in prison. Rather than being locked in a cell, he was locked in loneliness within his own mind. Memories of Amy were all around him. Would he ever be able to let go? The more he pondered on that fact, the more he knew the answer. The years Lucas had spent with Elizabeta had revolved around their work as operatives, and upon his return to the UK from Russia, their temporary ties were still work-based, her being his handler. The months with Sarah were, again, work-based. Everything revolved around MI5. Amy was so different. Their relationship had been built away from work, despite work being the thing that was constantly pushing them toward breaking point. Their love for each other was almost innocent, pure. It didn’t revolve around necessity.
One way to numb the pain was alcohol. In the last few weeks and Lucas had welcomed whiskey and vodka into his life on a more permanent basis. The bedside table housed half empty bottles.
Lucas even made himself feel the pain of showers, turning on the fast jet of water so he could be taken back to his days of torture in Lushanka. Re-live the waterboarding, where ice cold water was thrown over him as he begged for mercy and tried desperately to hold onto the information the Russians so badly wanted. He deserved the pain and the anguish. Beneath the water he shivered and wept, waiting and wishing for everything to end. Then maybe upon his deathbed, he could at least see her one last time in his moments of euphoria.
That night and he sat on the edge of the bed, downing whiskey from the bottle. He rubbed his stubbled chin and stared aimlessly through the gloom.
Amy was so ready to fight for you and you just let her go.
But she needs to be protected. Her and the baby.
You want her and she wants you. Fuck what her parents think.
The arguments raged. Back and forth the voices went, turning into whispers the more that Lucas drank from the bottle.
Tears trickled down Lucas’ cheek as he picked up his phone, and for the first time in months, he sent a single message to Amy. The alcohol had worn his inhibitions right down.
I love you.
***
Amy stared at the message, unable to comprehend that Lucas had actually sent her something. He’d been silent now for months, so she had taken this as her sign to leave him be and go through her pregnancy alone. The timestamp on the message was 2:04am. Messages in the dead of night were always a cry for help in some way. She whispered his name, still feeling stunned and not sure what to do.
A few hours passed and Amy still wondered what on earth to do with the message from Lucas. She’d looked back at the message multiple times, making sure that she wasn’t imagining it all. But it was still there. Three simple, desperate words.
An incoming call came from Ros.
“Hi, Ros. Is everything okay?” Amy asked, trying to force a cheerful tone.
“I wish I could say it was,” she replied. “Lucas didn’t turn up for work this morning, and has been coming in smelling of drink. Amy, he’s not doing well. He needs you.”
Amy sighed and swallowed hard. “He’s stubborn, Ros. No matter what I say and do, he won’t let me come back. You know he won’t.”
“Something tells me not this time.”
A short time later and Amy was staring at a letter she had left on her parents’ dining table. She had explained that she needed to go back to London and was taking the next available train out to London Euston. Amy knew her parents would go absolutely ballistic, especially her mum. But there was no way she could let Lucas remain alone and suffer.
Lucas had suffered enough in his life and all Amy wanted was to see him find peace, wherever and whoever he found that with. He deserved peace; after all, he put his life on the line daily to protect the UK public. Of course he deserved some peace. She wanted to embrace him, comfort him, just be there and hold him during his dark hours.
On the train an hour later and Amy flicked through her purse, checking that she had enough cash to get her across London to her old flat. But as she rummaged in the coin compartment, she felt something long against her fingers. It was her original flat keys; two of them held together on a ring. One got her through the front door into the lobby area, and the other got her into the flat itself. Why had she kept them all this time? Was it because she always knew she would one day be going back?
The flashing of buildings and landscape somehow soothed her, while a teenage girl of around sixteen years of age sat next to Amy, flicking through Instagram, and occasionally posing in her front facing camera.
The closer she got to London and the more she could feel the fluttering in her belly, which was now showing.
For a second, she placed her hand on her bump and smiled.
We’re going to see your daddy.
Apprehension and excitement both rose inside Amy. She had missed Lucas more than she could ever express, and while on the underground and then walking the street, getting closer to the flat, she could feel her anxiety taking hold.
The last time she had been in London and it had been cold, but now it was mild, a sure sign of spring. It was just after six in the evening when she made it to her old building and looked at the familiar sight. Sadness rose in her chest and she thought back on the day she had moved in, nervous at the prospect of a new beginning. Now she had another new beginning on the horizon, one that involved a new person, a new life.
Amy let herself into the main front entrance of the building, and then walked down the corridor to flat number three. With a deep breath, she knocked, waiting for a response.
***
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OK! So now I've read and digested the chapter I just wanted to point out some things that made me cry and scream.
Amy was shaking in the bathroom, unable to control the emotions that were flooding her. She couldn’t face the mirror and turned away, feeling the tears begin to fall. They had been relentless the last six weeks. And after she had been faced with three positive pregnancy tests and then been pushed away again by Lucas, that huge, gaping hole in her gut had grown exponentially. It was overpowering her now, rendering her broken.
I love how visceral you are able to convey characters feelings, the sheer panic and despair that Amy must feel mixed with the joy I can't even imagine what that would do to you mental and physically. Especially with the heightened emotion of hormones in the mix. I can feel the empty feeling in her gut, that feeling of rejection from the one person you had that finally saw you as you and accepted everything the good and bad. Then to have that ripped away from you, to have the one person walk away seemingly not wanting to fight for you? And when you are at your most vulnerable? I would just fall apart then and there.
Even her dreams reflected her deep longing for him, and the emptiness that was dragging her down, pulling her into a black sea of nothingness. Upon waking she would remember shards of her dreams in which she was calling for him, crying out, begging. And when she woke, she would feel tears clinging to her cheeks.
Even in dreams the torment Amy feels is so heartbreaking. You always feel like when you sleep you're finally able to retreat from the world and your pain. I feel I'm there with her, lying there feeling like my world is being swept away. The description of the black sea of emptiness dragging her down hit me so much and her remembering that she was calling out to Lucas, crying and begging him but there's only that void. I honestly just want to hug her, Amy seems to think that she's not strong but to go through that, to feel that complete heartache but keep going she's so resilient. The sense of building pressure of despair you craft with Amy's thoughts and feelings both emotional and physical are so perfect. Ugh my heart just bleeds for her so much I want to just hold her hand and comfort her. I hope one day I can create such a real and relatable character like with Amy.
A tightness was growing in Amy’s chest now, that sensation which had been a friend of hers since Lucas left her life. She woke up with it every morning now, sometimes accompanied with a tension headache and a sense of dread at facing a new day.
The way you describe that feeling of dread at facing a new day was such a gut punch to me. I think we all can admit to ourselves that we have felt like that. I love the description of that tightness in her chest, again you build the sense of anxiousness, that stress and pressure that's simmering in her. Uuuuugh it's so beautifully angsty!
“I know, and I’ve told him that. By your parents and Lucas protecting you, they’re suffocating you. We’ve all got to make our own way in life sooner or later. I’ve made enough of my own choices in life, some good and some bad. I know full well that this job comes with risk to those you love. I lost someone I loved through it.”
This, this right here is why we all need a Ros. I absolutely LOVE her dynamic with Amy. She's the only one who actually makes Amy decide what AMY wants to do. To encourage Amy to make her own decisions, to give her advice but not pressure Amy one way or another. Sharing that wisdom Ros has learned about the job and life that comes with it but be realistic, not sugar coat or doom say it. I think with Ros gentle guidance Amy can finally see herself as the world does a powerful and capable woman.
Then Amy heard it: the first actual sound of her baby’s heartbeat. Amy smiled, staring at the screen, looking at the moving mass. Sharon held Amy’s hand, watching her daughter’s face as it lit up for the first time in six weeks since being home in Coventry.
I love the perspective of Sharon here, holding her daughters hand and seeing her come back to life again hearing the baby's heartbeat. I can see the way Amy is looking in my head with the way you describe it there's always such cinematic quality to it. I can see it on the screen so clearly. I can see Amy's first smile in weeks as she looks at the screen, that little bit of hope in Amy with that smile.
Would Lucas want to know the sex of their child? He should have been here, but Amy couldn’t stand the idea of him being half in and half out, having to see him at scans but not being able to go home with him. Everything at the moment was a mixture of emotion, and it was confusing. One minute she was sad, the next angry. The grief of an ended relationship, and the anger of Lucas making the decision he had, alternated frequently, like a whirlwind.
In the car and Amy sat in the passenger seat, her thumb trailing the curve of the baby’s head. “Should I send a copy to Lucas?” she asked absently.
“I still think it’s best he has no part in this,” Sharon hissed. “We’ll all pull together as a family, we always do.”
Ok I think this is such a brilliant mix of emotion! The way you convey such realness at the confusion at excitement and mourning. The frustration that the decision had been made for Amy yet again without her say so. Sharon's lack of understanding of what Amy actually wants. And I do love that Sharon's attitude, even though it could be perceived as meanness, it's purely done out of love and wanting to protect her child and grandchild. It's done out of what Sharon thinks will keep Amy and the baby safe. But it's at this point we can see that Amy isn't a child anymore. Yes Amy might want advice but Amy needs to spread her own wings and at some point just like Amy is now you start to create your own little family outside of the parental unit. I think Sharon is brilliant complex character, she's not this villain trying to intentionally hurt Amy by keeping her apart from Lucas but this desperate mother fighting off any potential threat of harm.
Over a hundred miles away, in London, Lucas sat at the dining room table. He stared at the wall, the lifeless atmosphere of the place seeping into every fibre of his being. Three and a half months now he had lived by himself, haunted by Amy. Every inch of the place reminded him of her. After all, it was her flat originally. Living with her had been bliss; he would kiss her on his way out of the door, or at the main door to their office as they travelled in, pining for the end of the day when he would see her again.
I know I keep saying this but I love the way you can describe a scene so clearly without overselling it. I can see Lucas sitting there bleakly in that flat the colour of life drained out of him with the contrast to him reliving his life filled in memory with light. You've created this atmosphere of him sitting here alone feels so cold and devoid of any warmth.
He thought of Amy, imagining her sitting in the garden, holding a baby on her lap, reading her old battered copy of The Hobbit, with a warm sun high in the sky. He had given her the ultimate gift, the one thing she had wanted for a while now, but he couldn’t enjoy it with her. Lucas knew she would be an amazing mother; doting, kind, eager to play and re-live her own childhood through their little one.
I see the little nod with the book madam! It's so heartbreaking to see the process of him totally breaking down and giving up. To see him torment himself with the life that he's always wanted but feels he's not allowed.
Work seemed to be the only thing that got Lucas through each day, making him soldier on in this empty existence. It felt like being back in prison. Rather than being locked in a cell, he was locked in loneliness within his own mind. Memories of Amy were all around him. Would he ever be able to let go? The more he pondered on that fact, the more he knew the answer. The years Lucas had spent with Elizabeta had revolved around their work as operatives, and upon his return to the UK from Russia, their temporary ties were still work-based, her being his handler. The months with Sarah were, again, work-based. Everything revolved around MI5. Amy was so different. Their relationship had been built away from work, despite work being the thing that was constantly pushing them toward breaking point. Their love for each other was almost innocent, pure. It didn’t revolve around necessity.
Again this was so wonderfully descriptive of Lucas's life being so cold and grey without Amy. Going through the motions of routine to get through the day. It's so heartrending to see him turn in on himself, it's interesting to see how the way his past relationships contrast so sharply with his and Amy's. I love the way you let us see underneath Lucas's MI5 mask. For us to see him compare and coming to realise what it was that he actually wanted in a relationship. That with Amy she saw him as the man outside of MI5. That all she wanted was him the man, not what she could get out of him with MI5 and had no ulterior motives.
Lucas even made himself feel the pain of showers, turning on the fast jet of water so he could be taken back to his days of torture in Lushanka. Re-live the waterboarding, where ice cold water was thrown over him as he begged for mercy and tried desperately to hold onto the information the Russians so badly wanted. He deserved the pain and the anguish. Beneath the water he shivered and wept, waiting and wishing for everything to end. Then maybe upon his deathbed, he could at least see her one last time in his moments of euphoria.
That night and he sat on the edge of the bed, downing whiskey from the bottle. He rubbed his stubbled chin and stared aimlessly through the gloom.
Tears trickled down Lucas’ cheek as he picked up his phone, and for the first time in months, he sent a single message to Amy. The alcohol had worn his inhibitions right down.
I love you.
Ok this section was so utterly bleak and my heart was bleeding for Lucas. Him showering to essentially self harm was so gut wrenching. You delivered his complete falling apart with such a brilliant punch. There's no heavy handedness and brash it's a deliberate careful trickle to this crescendo of how far he has fallen into despair to the image of him sitting on the bed drunk and at the end of his tether. The ultimate broken man, with the only thing in his head to just reach out to Amy. Those three words are so simple but they packed such a kick it was brilliantly written.
A short time later and Amy was staring at a letter she had left on her parents’ dining table. She had explained that she needed to go back to London and was taking the next available train out to London Euston. Amy knew her parents would go absolutely ballistic, especially her mum. But there was no way she could let Lucas remain alone and suffer.
He deserved peace; after all, he put his life on the line daily to protect the UK public. Of course he deserved some peace. She wanted to embrace him, comfort him, just be there and hold him during his dark hours.
This was such a huge turning point for me seeing Amy's character development. Amy taking that stand to do what she thought was the right thing to do by her family. That fear of what her Mum would say but still taking that brave plunge to be there for Lucas. And the way you are able to show Amy's pure love for Lucas. To reinforce the fact that Amy just wants to see him safe, to see him happy. Before we have seen Lucas taking charge or the relationship and being the protector but Amy does it with quiet grace and strength it's beautiful.
It was her original flat keys; two of them held together on a ring. One got her through the front door into the lobby area, and the other got her into the flat itself. Why had she kept them all this time? Was it because she always knew she would one day be going back?
HELLO FATE! Showing up and giving a little nudge!
For a second, she placed her hand on her bump and smiled.
We’re going to see your daddy.
I was smiling ear to ear at this bit, head in hands grinning like a big idiot cheering Amy on.
The last time she had been in London and it had been cold, but now it was mild, a sure sign of spring. It was just after six in the evening when she made it to her old building and looked at the familiar sight. Sadness rose in her chest and she thought back on the day she had moved in, nervous at the prospect of a new beginning. Now she had another new beginning on the horizon, one that involved a new person, a new life.
I thought this was such a beautiful sense of the passing of time, again it's so cinematic. That sense of the seasons changing around them as they go through the ups and downs (and shooting and kidnapping!) I loved the contrast of the new beginnings for Amy, it was so bittersweet but that hope you build into it. It's a new start in a phase of her life I thought it was so poignant that Amy returning with this new sense of discovery about herself in that she is out to take that new horizon and shape it for herself and her new family.
Amy let herself into the main front entrance of the building, and then walked down the corridor to flat number three. With a deep breath, she knocked, waiting for a response.
THE. CLIFFHANGER. MADAM! I BLOODY took a deep breath at this as she knocked on the door! Damn, I fucking love the pace you've created in this and the journey your showed Amy and Lucas going through. Both with the utter heartbreak and despair at losing each other. Amy with the rejection and confusion that Lucas is not seeming to fight for her and the utter terror that she is alone. But bloody Hell she keeps going, and pushing herself forward despite not knowing what direction to go in. But with Ros's little nudge Amy's is standing up and fighting for what SHE wants. AMY is making that decision! Taking that chance which must be terrifying. And MAN it's so satisfying and exciting to see her on that journey.
And Lucas we see him completely falling apart and it was so interesting to see him (through Amy's eyes) as the strong confident person of MI5 actually just as vulnerable and desperate. And I know Amy wants someone to fight for her and maybe that person is also herself that need to do that fighting for herself if that makes sense? The character development and to see her grow as a person has been such a wonderful rollercoaster. It's felt so natural with the pacing. And we see that Lucas is now in desperate need for someone to fight for him and Amy is that strength and has always been with her selfless love and dedication to him and his happiness. With Lucas you can see that with his past relationships did they really see him as the Lucas North the man not Lucas North MI5? Amy did. I love the contrast between them from the beginning and now. Amy standing on her own two feet scared but not backing down and facing her life head while Lucas from the confident MI5 agent to Lucas the man lost in wanting the one thing he feels he shouldn't be allowed to have, a family and life.
I hope what I've written makes sense I just wanted to share my thoughts and how much joy and heartache it's been watching their journey together. I'm so hyped and nervous about where you are going to take them next @fizzyxcustard!
Warnings: Stalking behaviour, anxiety, language, sexual references, angst, smut, heartbreak, gunshot wounds and recovery, abduction, hostage situation, PTSD, torture mention.
Summary: Lucas takes notice of a young woman, Amy, but his obsession and want to get to know her begin to spiral out of control. Amy is now working for MI-5, after being recruited by Ros. But will her involvement with Lucas cause even more problems and heartbreak?
When Amy's parents get involved, how will things pan out for Amy and Lucas?
Official soundtrack list: here
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This fic does have an ending in sight...finally. :)
Feedback, comments and suggestions are always very valuable. My messages and ask box (including anons!) are open.
Thank you so much to those of you who have remained with me through this journey writing this story, and while we are very close to the end of this story, it's not the end of Lucas and Amy! ;)
Morning sickness began, or at least got stronger; Amy couldn’t quite tell. Most mornings that Amy had got up in the last month and she had felt nauseous, probably due to her anxiety spikes, and not just the hormones beginning to surge.
On the day that Amy was due to meet with Ros and she could barely keep any food in her stomach. Two rounds of toast had been immediately thrown back up. Three days later would be Amy’s booking appointment, where she would speak to a doctor or midwife face to face and begin the process of booking her first scan.
Amy was shaking in the bathroom, unable to control the emotions that were flooding her. She couldn’t face the mirror and turned away, feeling the tears begin to fall. They had been relentless the last six weeks. And after she had been faced with three positive pregnancy tests and then been pushed away again by Lucas, that huge, gaping hole in her gut had grown exponentially. It was overpowering her now, rendering her broken.
Nights were the worst. Amy was left alone with nothing but her thoughts, and she would always think of Lucas. She replayed the memories of when he tickled her under the bedclothes, when he would come behind her in the kitchen and wind his arms around her, the feel of his hand in hers, the smell of his cologne, the sound of his voice. Every night and she prayed he would contact her, but he didn’t. Her texts and WhatsApp remained empty of any new messages from Lucas North.
Even her dreams reflected her deep longing for him, and the emptiness that was dragging her down, pulling her into a black sea of nothingness. Upon waking she would remember shards of her dreams in which she was calling for him, crying out, begging. And when she woke, she would feel tears clinging to her cheeks.
Ros waited for Amy in a Costa, which was in the city centre of Coventry. She slipped away towards the back of the shop and waited. It wasn’t long before she saw Amy’s familiar figure step into the building.
Amy stopped, scanned the sea of heads and then nodded as she caught Ros’ gaze.
“What would you like? I’ll get it,” Ros offered with a faint smile.
“Just a cup of tea, please. I need to keep it a little more bland. I’ve been really sick the last day or two,” Amy said.
Ros didn’t answer, but instead walked to the counter and placed her order.
Amy sat down, being temporarily taken back to the café she frequented with Lucas. The place where it all began just over a year ago. It would be their one year anniversary the following week if they had still remained together. The night when Amy had fully let him in, the beginning of their rocky relationship.
Amy watched Ros order their drinks. Why did these people sacrifice everything in their lives just for the sake of a job? What was it about MI5 that was so special? They had given up their normal lives, friends, family, for this job. Lucas thought he could have a normal life, but that had all turned out to be false. No one had a normal life. The long list of casualties on the job proved that. Amy had heard about many of them. Surveillance operatives who had found themselves in deeper shit than they could have ever imagined.
A tightness was growing in Amy’s chest now, that sensation which had been a friend of hers since Lucas left her life. She woke up with it every morning now, sometimes accompanied with a tension headache and a sense of dread at facing a new day.
“What should I do?” Amy asked simply, as Ros placed the drinks down on the table. “Lucas is adamant that my parents are right, and has told me he’ll come to the scans and birth but won’t be with me. How can I get through to him?”
Ros sighed and began opening a sachet of sugar. “Lucas is stubborn at the best of times. But if you want to be together enough then you’ll do it. Lucas wants you safe, and neither of us can argue with that.”
“I’m not worth the fight for him.”
“No, it’s not that at all,” Ros said, shaking her head for emphasis. “I’ve known him about three years now, and never saw him as content as when he was with you. He finally seemed at peace with himself. You really bring out the best in him, and he adores you. Never think anything less than that. Lucas never does anything by half measure, especially when it comes to you.”
Amy looked down into her lap and felt the tears come again. “I wish he would let me make up my own mind. He’s always making decisions for me.”
“I know, and I’ve told him that. By your parents and Lucas protecting you, they’re suffocating you. We’ve all got to make our own way in life sooner or later. I’ve made enough of my own choices in life, some good and some bad. I know full well that this job comes with risk to those you love. I lost someone I loved through it.”
“I’m so sorry, Ros. I had no idea,” Amy replied.
Ros smiled at Amy. “You didn’t know him, but you’ve probably heard his name mentioned. Adam Carter. Things wouldn’t have worked out between us. I always knew that. The job kept us apart, but he died on the job, same as his wife, Fiona. MI5 will either make or break you, Amy. But either way, once you’re in, you don’t leave. You and Lucas are truly devoted to each other, and you deserve happiness.”
***
“You’re approximately twelve weeks,” the midwife told Amy. “Baby is growing well. Seems quite active.”
Then Amy heard it: the first actual sound of her baby’s heartbeat. Amy smiled, staring at the screen, looking at the moving mass. Sharon held Amy’s hand, watching her daughter’s face as it lit up for the first time in six weeks since being home in Coventry.
“I estimate your due date approximately the last week of August.” The midwife wiped the gel from Amy’s stomach and paused the image on the screen, printing the scan. “I’ll book you for your next scan, and hopefully then we can determine the sex of the baby, if you want to know.”
Amy smiled. “I’d love to know. I always had it planned out in my head that if I had children, I’d want to know. It helps me get to know them better.”
The midwife, a middle-aged lady with short greying hair and glasses, smiled. “That’s nice,” she said simply.
Amy looked away and sighed. Of course the midwife wouldn’t be as interested; she saw dozens of pregnant women every day, and no doubt they all sounded like a broken record to her.
Would Lucas want to know the sex of their child? He should have been here, but Amy couldn’t stand the idea of him being half in and half out, having to see him at scans but not being able to go home with him. Everything at the moment was a mixture of emotion, and it was confusing. One minute she was sad, the next angry. The grief of an ended relationship, and the anger of Lucas making the decision he had, alternated frequently, like a whirlwind.
In the car and Amy sat in the passenger seat, her thumb trailing the curve of the baby’s head. “Should I send a copy to Lucas?” she asked absently.
“I still think it’s best he has no part in this,” Sharon hissed. “We’ll all pull together as a family, we always do.”
***
Time passed, weeks turning into months.
Amy felt the tension and anxiety lessen, as the nausea got worse by her fifth month, and then eased again. The fluttering sensations began, something she knew was inevitable as the baby grew. Her stomach was becoming harder and more prominent, resting a little heavier on the waist of her trousers.
Ros still remained in touch, having formally put Amy on early maternity leave after two months of sick leave. She had done all she could to keep the position open for Amy and also enable money to continue coming in, so she at least had something to live off.
Lucas was silent. Sometimes his deafening silence brought her to tears in the middle of the night as she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, praying he would be back beside her one day. She tried to imagine what the baby would look like, giving it Lucas’ grey blue eyes. But thinking on the baby’s appearance, always caused her to break down again.
***
Over a hundred miles away, in London, Lucas sat at the dining room table. He stared at the wall, the lifeless atmosphere of the place seeping into every fibre of his being. Three and a half months now he had lived by himself, haunted by Amy. Every inch of the place reminded him of her. After all, it was her flat originally. Living with her had been bliss; he would kiss her on his way out of the door, or at the main door to their office as they travelled in, pining for the end of the day when he would see her again.
Lucas walked slowly into the kitchen and looked out of the window, into the communal garden. It was growing dusk, with longer days moving in as the weeks passed quickly through spring. He thought of Amy, imagining her sitting in the garden, holding a baby on her lap, reading her old battered copy of The Hobbit, with a warm sun high in the sky. He had given her the ultimate gift, the one thing she had wanted for a while now, but he couldn’t enjoy it with her. Lucas knew she would be an amazing mother; doting, kind, eager to play and re-live her own childhood through their little one.
Work seemed to be the only thing that got Lucas through each day, making him soldier on in this empty existence. It felt like being back in prison. Rather than being locked in a cell, he was locked in loneliness within his own mind. Memories of Amy were all around him. Would he ever be able to let go? The more he pondered on that fact, the more he knew the answer. The years Lucas had spent with Elizabeta had revolved around their work as operatives, and upon his return to the UK from Russia, their temporary ties were still work-based, her being his handler. The months with Sarah were, again, work-based. Everything revolved around MI5. Amy was so different. Their relationship had been built away from work, despite work being the thing that was constantly pushing them toward breaking point. Their love for each other was almost innocent, pure. It didn’t revolve around necessity.
One way to numb the pain was alcohol. In the last few weeks and Lucas had welcomed whiskey and vodka into his life on a more permanent basis. The bedside table housed half empty bottles.
Lucas even made himself feel the pain of showers, turning on the fast jet of water so he could be taken back to his days of torture in Lushanka. Re-live the waterboarding, where ice cold water was thrown over him as he begged for mercy and tried desperately to hold onto the information the Russians so badly wanted. He deserved the pain and the anguish. Beneath the water he shivered and wept, waiting and wishing for everything to end. Then maybe upon his deathbed, he could at least see her one last time in his moments of euphoria.
That night and he sat on the edge of the bed, downing whiskey from the bottle. He rubbed his stubbled chin and stared aimlessly through the gloom.
Amy was so ready to fight for you and you just let her go.
But she needs to be protected. Her and the baby.
You want her and she wants you. Fuck what her parents think.
The arguments raged. Back and forth the voices went, turning into whispers the more that Lucas drank from the bottle.
Tears trickled down Lucas’ cheek as he picked up his phone, and for the first time in months, he sent a single message to Amy. The alcohol had worn his inhibitions right down.
I love you.
***
Amy stared at the message, unable to comprehend that Lucas had actually sent her something. He’d been silent now for months, so she had taken this as her sign to leave him be and go through her pregnancy alone. The timestamp on the message was 2:04am. Messages in the dead of night were always a cry for help in some way. She whispered his name, still feeling stunned and not sure what to do.
A few hours passed and Amy still wondered what on earth to do with the message from Lucas. She’d looked back at the message multiple times, making sure that she wasn’t imagining it all. But it was still there. Three simple, desperate words.
An incoming call came from Ros.
“Hi, Ros. Is everything okay?” Amy asked, trying to force a cheerful tone.
“I wish I could say it was,” she replied. “Lucas didn’t turn up for work this morning, and has been coming in smelling of drink. Amy, he’s not doing well. He needs you.”
Amy sighed and swallowed hard. “He’s stubborn, Ros. No matter what I say and do, he won’t let me come back. You know he won’t.”
“Something tells me not this time.”
A short time later and Amy was staring at a letter she had left on her parents’ dining table. She had explained that she needed to go back to London and was taking the next available train out to London Euston. Amy knew her parents would go absolutely ballistic, especially her mum. But there was no way she could let Lucas remain alone and suffer.
Lucas had suffered enough in his life and all Amy wanted was to see him find peace, wherever and whoever he found that with. He deserved peace; after all, he put his life on the line daily to protect the UK public. Of course he deserved some peace. She wanted to embrace him, comfort him, just be there and hold him during his dark hours.
On the train an hour later and Amy flicked through her purse, checking that she had enough cash to get her across London to her old flat. But as she rummaged in the coin compartment, she felt something long against her fingers. It was her original flat keys; two of them held together on a ring. One got her through the front door into the lobby area, and the other got her into the flat itself. Why had she kept them all this time? Was it because she always knew she would one day be going back?
The flashing of buildings and landscape somehow soothed her, while a teenage girl of around sixteen years of age sat next to Amy, flicking through Instagram, and occasionally posing in her front facing camera.
The closer she got to London and the more she could feel the fluttering in her belly, which was now showing.
For a second, she placed her hand on her bump and smiled.
We’re going to see your daddy.
Apprehension and excitement both rose inside Amy. She had missed Lucas more than she could ever express, and while on the underground and then walking the street, getting closer to the flat, she could feel her anxiety taking hold.
The last time she had been in London and it had been cold, but now it was mild, a sure sign of spring. It was just after six in the evening when she made it to her old building and looked at the familiar sight. Sadness rose in her chest and she thought back on the day she had moved in, nervous at the prospect of a new beginning. Now she had another new beginning on the horizon, one that involved a new person, a new life.
Amy let herself into the main front entrance of the building, and then walked down the corridor to flat number three. With a deep breath, she knocked, waiting for a response.
***
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BEAUTIFUL PERSON AWARD. Once you're given this award, you're supposed to paste it in the ask of eight people who deserve it. If you break the chain, nothing happens but it's sweet to know so. I think you're beautiful inside and out, never forget to love yourself💝🌟
Thank you! I find it so hard to see that in myself and I really needed to hear this. Thank you again so much my lovely @fizzyxcustard for everything you do. You're wonderful and beautiful inside and out, and I love you lots. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Note: By request of two dear friends and readers, I returned with another fic, a sweet one-shot about Thorin and his lady Elsa. Enjoy! 💕
“Thorin, please tell me where you’re leading me.” Elsa murmured, lids fluttering behind the blindfold.
“Not yet, Amrâlimê.” Thorin’s strong fingers clasped her slim fingers, guiding her along the long hall. “You’ll see very soon; I wanted this to be a surprise.”
Well, wherever this was, it was inside Erebor somewhere. Elsa sighed and decided to humor Thorin a little longer- not that she was complaining. He had seemed very eager to surprise her, showing up at her room ( if a battered relic of Smaug’s destruction they currently shared could be considered a room) and asking her if she would come along.
It was a long walk, but not entirely silent as it was shortly after Smaug had raged out, never to return; the sounds of rebuilding resounded on every level as she followed Thorin’s heavy pace.
Then Thorin stopped and released her hand, then the metallic sound of newly forged hinges being turned filled Elsa’s ears. “Where in Erebor are we?” she asked, curiosity and anticipation filling her.
“Follow me,” Thorin’s hand clasped hers again. She followed him through what was clearly a doorway and into a large space. A scent of burning wood, flowers, and fresh linen wafted past her nose, and her feet trod what was clearly a soft rug, not the rushes she’d grown up with. Elsa paused, intrigued.
“You may remove the blindfold, Elsa.” Thorin’s voice rumbled pleasantly from beside her.
Elsa slipped the blindfold from her eyes. Her breath caught as the gorgeous bedchamber appeared to her sight. “Oh… my, Thorin. It’s so beautiful!” Her voice trembled as she admired everything about her; the jewel colors in the massive rug, the vase of fresh wildflowers on the oaken nightstand, the ornate stone fireplace, the oaken bedstead with piles of furs and woolen blankets, and the endless ornaments and decor, courtesy of the skilled craftsmen of Erebor and Dale. “How- how did you do this?”
“I had too much idle time during my recovery after the Battle, and the current room we share isn’t fit for my future bride and Queen.” Thorin’s cheeks warmed as he spoke. He watched with regal pride as Elsa admired the room around her. “During that time, I consulted with the smiths and craftsmen about making over the old Royal bedchambers that once belonged to my grandfather King Thror; when I was able to walk again, I joined them. Erebor is now your home; I wanted the old bedchambers to be perfect and comfortable just for you.”
Touched, Elsa turned around to Thorin, her eyes glowing with unshed tears. “Thorin, you have given me more than a beautiful bedroom; you have given me a home with you, to be your wife and Queen. You are my home.”
“My love.” Thorin murmured, drawing Elsa’s face downward to press a kiss on her lips. She melted into his kiss with a happy sigh, running her fingers through his dark and silver hair. As they slowly broke their kiss, they whispered softly to each other. “Welcome home.”
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This was so sweet and beautiful, I could imagine the room perfectly it was so gorgeously described. Yes definitely a home for a King and his loving and loved future Queen! Thank you for sharing Elsa with us! ❤️
Relationship: Guy of Gisborne x OFC Catriona of Menzie
Rating: Teen
Warning: none
Content: some angst with a happy ending, lover’s argument, kissing.
Faceclaim for Catriona; Daisy Ridley from the film Ophelia (2018).
(Missed writing about my OFC Catriona and her Black Knight, also the prompt is literally Gisborne coded.🥰)
“I brought you a gift, my lady; it becomes your eyes.” Guy placed the strand of gold chain and green gems in Catriona’s hands gently. Her eyes and smile brightened with a joy that, no matter how often Guy had seen it, never failed to warm his soul in its darkest places.
“Ooh, Guy! It’s so pretty! Thank you!” She held up the gleaming bit of jewelry, allowing the one little beam of sunlight that witnessed their secret corner meeting to illuminate it. “Where did you find it? Surely it’s a family jewel? No wait, is it a piece from that traveling jeweler who was up from London yesterday? He had such beautiful pieces; you should have seen them!”
“No, and yes. I did acquire it, but not from him. Put it on; I wish to see how it looks on you.” Guy was brief, telling himself firmly it was hers now. As his hopeful future Lady Gisborne, she deserved more jewels than the few she had to her name.
Catriona examined the necklace keenly before slowly placing it around her neck. She was more than positive now she’d seen it somewhere- not in the jeweler’s safe chest.
Her brow crinkled as she tried to remember where; of course Guy’s now gloveless fingers fastening the clasp and brushing against her skin didn’t help her think.
A faint memory surfaced, a memory of the now poverty stricken wool merchant’s daughter Alice wearing a similar necklace, of how it caught full sunlight, like how it caught even a sunbeam in a secluded corner…
“Turn around.” Catriona turned slowly, the necklace gleaming like green stars strung on gold around her throat. A smile, brief but genuine, curved the Black Knight’s lips; Catriona looked so much more fairer now.
That is, until he noticed the smile had left her eyes. “Catriona, surely you appreciate my gift?”
“Guy, I do always appreciate your presents, but,” Catriona wondered how to phrase what she was about to say. She knew very well by now Guy was a proud man and would very likely not be happy to hear her response.
“But what? What’s wrong?” Guy’s dark brows knitted.
“Guy, I saw this necklace elsewhere before; Alice the wool merchant’s daughter was wearing it two days ago. It’s the only thing left from her late mother, and despite being poor now, she won’t sell it.” Catriona stated quietly. She already knew too well how the jewelry had fallen into Guy’s hands.
“Her father owed back taxes; he couldn’t pay up so I took it in lieu of payment. He paid up the amount yesterday, but I kept the necklace. You deserve the jewels; you lost too many of yours when your father couldn’t pay up.”
Catriona sighed. She could just see how it went; a sad, helpless Alice watching as her jewelry was taken from her and carried away. No doubt fear of being hurt or jailed had stopped her from fighting for it.
Reaching around, she unclasped the necklace. “Guy, as much as I love your gifts, I love you more, and it pains me that you would steal from another far poorer girl to gift me. Please give it back to Alice.”
“Catriona, don’t do this to me! Marian was always like that, not wanting to accept anything I gave her.” Pain underlay Guy’s anger, even as he spoke; he was always secretly happy that Catriona was honest and loving, and the fact she wasn’t accepting his gift brought back the unpleasant memories of his failed courtship of Marian.
“I am nothing like her, and pray don’t compare me to her!” Catriona’s hazel eyes flashed green fire at the accusation. “I am appealing to your better side- I know it is there, Guy, despite everything you do and have done. If I cared nothing for you, I wouldn’t be asking you to return it to Alice; I would have just kept the necklace and said nothing.”
She held out the necklace. “I can’t keep it, knowing who it belonged to, and how it was obtained.” Her voice trembled despite her resolute words. “Please take it back to Alice; you know where she lives.”
A heavy pause fell, heavier than the shadows of the castle. Catriona wondered if she had even managed to reach Guy’s compassionate side; during her speech, he had stood silently with folded arms and dark frown, seemingly untouched by her words.
Then a stern faced Guy took the necklace back sharply; it jingled as he gripped it in his fist. “And what do I say and do when I take it to her? Kneel and ask her forgiveness for taking her jewelry?” he asked, sarcasm edging his words.
“Uh, please don’t do that, but do ask her forgiveness for withholding her necklace after her father paid up. Please don’t say who sent you though.” Catriona added quickly.
“I would rather not shame myself further.” With that, Guy turned and was striding away, spurs jingling furiously at each step. Catriona watched him go, then with a heavy, sad sigh left swiftly. She’d been absent too long; no doubt her parents would be asking why it took her forever to return from morning services. Yet that didn’t worry her as much as Guy being upset at her over having to return a stolen piece of jewelry, and his stupid pride.
Evening had already fallen when Guy found himself at the castle again. Having seen to his usual duties (and inwardly cursing Vaisey’s raging at him over yet another failed manhunt), he now found himself watching for Catriona with not a little anxiety and impatience.
He knew her habits too well since the first day Catriona came to live there; despite it being risky in the dark halls, she tended to be late from evening vespers. Not that Guy saw it as a bad thing; he’d escort her back to her room and leave her there with a good night kiss- or rather a soul stirring, passionate kiss that left them both wanting more.
Speaking of angels, she came around a corner and was now in the same hall as he. “Catriona.”
“Guy. You came back.” Catriona hastened to him, relief at seeing him filling her. She had gone about all day in the fear that Guy would decide to stay at Locksley Manor overnight because of their argument.
“Yes, telling him how I cannot capture Hood.” Guy’s jaw clenched then relaxed as he added. “Well, I went back to Alice’s house with the necklace.”
“And? What did she say?” Catriona was intrigued.
“She was- surprised. I told her I was sorry for taking it from her, and if she would forgive me. Catriona, do you know how hard it was for me to ask that?”
“I believe it.” (Here, Catriona decided she still loved Guy, pride and all; it was very much part of him like his black leather clothes.) “But yes, it can be hard to ask someone to forgive you.”
“Well, she said she couldn’t forget me ordering her to hand over the necklace that day; she admitted she was afraid I would forcibly take it. But, she said she forgave me, and she was clearly happy to get the necklace back. Somehow, I felt better after that.”
“There, you didn’t have to kneel and ask her for her forgiveness.” Catriona said “I wouldn’t have wanted you to.” Aside, she added to herself it was because he endured too much from the Sheriff and didn’t need additional humiliation from someone else.
“You are the only person I would kneel to, my lady.” A deep sigh escaped Guy, then seizing Catriona’s hands in his, he asked almost wistfully “Surely you forgive me too?”
How could she not forgive him, Catriona thought, with those pleading large silvery blue eyes, that deep voice whispering softly, and the important fact that he’d done something right? Allowing him to draw her closer into his arms, she whispered. “I forgive you, Guy. I couldn’t ever not forgive you; I love you too much.”
“As do I.” A pleasant silence, save for sighs and heavy breathing, fell as Guy and Catriona lost themselves in each other and a series of soft yet intense kisses filled with passion and a longing for a future together.
I love Guy getting his well deserved redemption and someone who loves him for him. Catriona is that loving and guiding hand to show him the way to be the kind man underneath that horrible past he has had.
Hi there! I was wondering out of all the characters you have written who have you found the most challenging to write and why? You've written such an wonderful variety of characters who have very different personalities in such amazing detail so I was wondering who had given you the most challenge.
Sending lots of love to you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, love! I really appreciate that. Love you! ♥️♥️♥️
I’d probably say Raymond is the biggest challenge. In Pilgrimage he’s a through and through villain, so trying to get at his humanity and spin that so he can become softer, and find love, can be fairly difficult. It’s trying to walk that fine line of getting him just right and believable, considering how nasty he is in the film.
I can completely understand that, I know I haven't watched Pilgrimage but from when we've discussed it and you've described his character I can totally see why he'd be very difficult to write.
I think that's why I love the way you write Raymond so much though because you make this very overly villainous character actually have that humanity in him and tease it out. That there's reasons and logic to why he's acted that way he's acted and that deep down he's a redeemable man who has this vulnerability to him just like everyone else. I imagine he must be very rewarding to write too getting to show that side of him?
Thank you so much for the answer it was a brilliant insight to your thoughts on him and I love picking your beautiful brain! 🧠
Love you to bits my lovely friend! Thank you again for answering! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
**Scene addition - snippet from ~The Best of Intentions-
I am almost done with my rough draft of this piece and I am now going back through to add in scenes to fill out the storyline better.
**Mistlynn*
The days bled into one another and soon over a week had passed. Her bruises had finally faded from her skin, although some tenderness with her jaw, shoulder and ribs remained as an irritating reminder. Luna was healing as well, albeit not as quickly with her injuries being more severe in nature.
She was still in her cell, and much to Mistlynn’s surprise she didn’t seem too upset about her detainment. She slept most of the day and through the night on the soft hay filled cushion that had been provided or her. It was a nice change from what they were used to, especially after she had fled her kingdom.
She now found herself restless. Seeing the little glimpses Dis had shared with her along with her time spent in the library, she was eager to learn and see more of this magnificent mountain kingdom. She ventured out to explore what lay above and below her in vast, carved chasms and walkways. It never ceased to amaze her, every day as she perused the ancient walkways and observed the everyday life of this kingdom she had been taught to fear and despise.
The dwarves regarded her with a thinly veiled curiosity as she walked amongst them, taking in everything with a wonder she couldn’t keep from her face. Although wary, they were all kind. She figured after the commotion she caused all would disregard her with suspicion, but if they King deemed her trustworthy enough to walk their halls, then that was fine and well with them. She was often seen walking with Dis or Balin, and that further solidified her place amidst their sacred halls.
The market was her favorite place to spend time in. The aroma of spices and perfumes excited her, while the vibrant colors and sounds of laughter and music enchanted her. The extent of artistry of every booth and shop made her question all that she knew, the beauty of such flourishing life had seized her by her soul, and the idea of ever leaving this place of wonder pained her more than she thought was possible.
The flower market was such a place she found herself lost in as she took in blooms of varying size and color with an eagerness that spoke of a hunger, she never realized she had. A particular bloom of voluptuous, silken petals in the most delicate shade of pink, much like the inside of the seashells she used to collect from the beach to make necklaces for her mother, captured her attention. She closed her eyes and breathed it in, and if happiness was a smell she had no doubts this would be the source of it.
She couldn’t help the sigh that escaped her lips as she felt her body and mind truly relax for the first time in years. A deep laugh from behind her broke her reverie. She froze instantly as the deep, sensual voice that haunted her dreams began to speak from behind her.
Her teeth ground together, her hands clenched tightly at her side as she quickly stepped forward, past the pink blooms, to hide behind the tall jugs and vases filled with water and more flowers.
She crouched, her hands braced against the cool, damp clay of the jars as she strained to hear what the voices were saying. It appeared as if they hadn’t seen her, otherwise his tone wouldn’t be so warm and welcoming. She scowled at that thought.
She peeked around the jars slowly, just in time to see Thorin crouch in front of a young girl with chocolate curls and rosy cheeks. The girl was holding a flower crown in her tiny hands, her smile radiant as she looked up into the face of the Dwarf King with a look akin to adoration.
Her eyes grew wide in surprise as she watched him lower his head, so that the young girl could place the flower crown upon his head.
He had a grin on his face, his dimples on full display as he chuckled warmly. “What do you think of my new crown Fili?”
She then noticed the golden-haired prince she had held at knifepoint before kicking him in the groin the day of her failed escape attempt. He was smiling as well, his posture relaxed. “Much improved from that old heavy behemoth up in your offices.” He smirked.
Thorin’s laugh rumbled freely from his chest. “I will not argue.” His eyes twinkled brightly as he pulled out a gold coin from his pocket and held it up to the young girl, who gasped in excitement as he held it out to her. “I shall wear it proudly, my lady.”
Mistlynn blinked wordlessly, struggling to comprehend that the Dwarf King before her was one in the same as before.
Her heart skipped a few beats as she held her breath. She watched the little girl giggle as she grinned up at him. “Thank you, my King.” She giggled as she took the coin from him.
Thorin’s smile grew even wider as he stood up to his full height, to look at the dwarrowdam that was running her fingers through the young girls hair fondly. “You have done an amazing job with your shop, Lady Raila. It’s been so long since I have seen such a variety. Your parents would be proud.”
“Thank you, your majesty. The new trade routes you negotiated have helped tremendously with my supply. It was my parents dream to reopen their shop here in Erebor and to raise Coryn in our ancestral home.”
“If you or your sister is ever in need of anything, please let us know.” Thorin’s voice became solemn as he looked at the florist earnestly. “Our mothers were the closest of friends. I would like to honor their memories by ensuring you and Coryn are successful and comfortable.”
Mistlynn bit her bottom lip as guilt set in for how she had treated Thorin. This new side to him was disconcerting, and her traitorous heart was doing her no favors. Memories of their fight echoed in her mind, making her swallow thickly as regret coiled in her stomach, a cold and bitter thing.
It was becoming increasingly difficult to hold any sort of disdain for King Thorin, not when she kept seeing glimpses of how attentive and caring he was to his family, his friends, and his people.
She had never seen her grandfather or father treat the people of her kingdom in such a way. They had been aloof, always leaving the dealings of everyday matters to their advisors that acted upon their orders. The stark difference between the inner workings of Erebor under Thorin’s rule, and that of her fathers in the White Kingdom spoke of an uncomfortable truth she was slowly starting to realize.
Lost in her thoughts, she failed to notice the presence of another coming up behind her silently. “That flower crown is rather dashing, don’t you think?”
An undignified, choking sound escaped her as she spun around in alarm, causing her to knock the jars with her back as she lurched away from her unexpected visitor.
She caught the wobbling jar with her hands before it knocked into the other jars. She shot a murderous glare up at the younger Durin prince. He was looking down at her with a mischievous grin, his honey brown eyes bright with mirth at her reaction.
“Aule’s beard. You scared me.” She seethed with a harsh whisper. “Who do you think you are, sneaking up on me like that?”
“Me? Sneaking up on you? I’m not the one hiding behind flower jars spying on my Irak’adad while making eyes.” Kili crossed his arms over his chest as he looked down at the flustered dam, his smirk daring her to argue with him.
She stood up fully, her eyes flashing with a ready retort before she remembered she was trying to keep her presence hidden. She crouched again. “I am not spying.” She hissed. “And I am not making eyes! How dare you even suggest such a fiendish notion.”
“Well, excuse me. I didn’t realize sneaking around a flower shop was a normal thing for you.”
“It’s not! I was here first, minding my own business, before you three…” Her hushed rant was interrupted by Fili.
“Kili? Who are you talking to over there?”
Mistlynn’s eyes grew large with a horrified look that made Kili bite his bottom lip to stop the laugh that was threatening to escape. Mistlynn dared to look around the jars, only to see that not only was Fili looking in their direction, so was the florist and Thorin.
“Makk an E ha’ak[KA1] !” she cursed, her voice shaking nervously. “If you will excuse me.” She went to brush past him, but he stepped in front of her.
“Where is the fire? My brother and I have heard so much about you from our Amad. Would you like to accompany us for the rest of our walk so that we may become better acquainted?” Kili grinned as he watched her try to get around him while still trying to slink away.
“Sar em Gabura[KA2] . Why are you Durin’s so bloody tall?!” She cursed before she stood back up to her full height. “I appreciate your offer, but I really must be going.”
“Kili?” She heard Thorin’s distinctive voice call out, and the nervous fluttering’s of her stomach became rock hard and plummeted. She fell quickly to her knees and began to crawl quickly through the maze of strategically placed water jars.
“Lady Mistlynn?! Kili’s confused laugh followed her as she maneuvered through the tall jars of flowers, towards the entry door of the shop. Her eyes zeroed in on the open door as she pushed herself towards her goal.
The very moment she left the jars a pair of black boots tipped with a finely detailed metal stepped directly in front of her, blocking her only escape.
She swallowed thickly as the world seemed to hone in and slow around her. She forced herself to look up, directly into the icy eyes of Thorin, the very dwarf she had been trying so hard to avoid. She gulped; her mouth suddenly dry as she watched him cock his head to the side as he studied her. “Lady Mistlynn. What a surprise.”
She slowly got to her feet as she rubbed the palms of her hands on the front of her trousers. “Your majesty, fancy seeing you here.” A forced smile stretched her lips. “I was just looking for ...” she chanced a look to her right before snatching the closest thing she could reach. She brought a stem of small yellow flowers in front of her. “These … delightful …flowers. I was looking everywhere.”
Her inner dialogue was scathing as she watched his eyes glance down towards the flowers before returning to her face. A smile threatened his lips as he raised a curious eyebrow at her. “You were looking everywhere for snapdragons?” She became wary of the teasing lilt that wrapped around his words.
“Yes. Snapdragons. My favorite.”
‘Curious choice. Especially since you were smelling that peony just as much spirit as you were that book in the library when we walked in. I was wondering why you were hiding back there.”
Mistlynn blanched as her grip on the defenseless stem of snapdragons tightened. She couldn’t force herself to look away from the teasing smile that was now on his face.
“I offered for her to join us on our stroll through the market.” She didn’t even notice that both Fili and Kili were now standing to the side of them, watching their interaction with a rapturous glee.
“I didn’t realize you were watching me.” She breathed as she continued to hold his gaze without blinking.
Thorin chuckled, thoroughly enjoying their stare off. “Don’t be mistaken M’eudail. Until I am certain of what your intentions are in my kingdom, I’ll always be keeping a close eye on you.”
Mistlynn swallowed thickly as she felt heat rush to her cheeks and flash across her neck and chest. She silently thanked the god’s she was wearing her white tunic that covered up the majority of her blush from his keen, soul devouring gaze.
“Well, it certainly is a pleasure to meet you under much calmer circumstances while unarmed.” Fili’s voice was jovial as he stepped beside his uncle, intentionally interrupting the intense moment that was unraveling before him, much to his and Kili’s amusement.
The tension was so deliciously thick he could feel it settle between Thorin and Mistlynn like a thick autumn fog. His Amad was going to be delighted when he regaled her of this encounter. The energy that crackled between the two of them was palatable, and if he had been doubtful of what she meant to his uncle, he certainly wasn’t doubting it now.
Mistlynn’s eyes darted to the eldest prince, thankful for the disruption of her and Thorin’s exchange.
“I do apologize for the manner of our first meeting, it wasn’t personal.” She smiled ruefully at the elder prince’s sunny disposition as she fought to stop her heart from beating out of her chest.
Fili gave her a wry smile as he laughed heartedly. “The skill you displayed with my borrowed daggers was impressive. I’ve never seen a fighting style quite like yours. It was … unexpected.”
“She jumped off the bloody balcony and rode them down those banners. Then proceeded to throw us around like rag dolls. That’s more than just skill with daggers.” Kili nudged his brother, not bothering to hide the admiration in his voice.
“It was reckless, is what it was.” Thorin interrupted Kili sternly, giving both princes a stern look before looking at Mistlynn pointedly.
Mistlynn found herself smiling at Fili and Kili, feeling an immediate comrade with the two princes. She raised her brow at the sternness of Thorin’s voice. “I don’t know why my recklessness should concern you. If I had fallen to my death, it would have been less of a hassle for you. You wouldn’t be sporting that cut on your chin.”
Thorin blinked in surprise at her retort before frustration and anger made his expression darken. He stepped forward, closer into her space so that she was forced to look up at him. “I don’t appreciate your cavalier attitude towards the fact that you could have killed yourself with your heedless actions. It is not something you should jest about.”
The intense candor mixed with that brand of irritation that seemed to be his trademark pinned her in place.
“I doubt the need for such reckless stunts is no longer needed. Am I right, Lady Mistlynn?” Fili pressed, sensing Thorin’s ire. “She knows no that she is amongst friends now, am I right?”
“Of course. You have my word I will refrain from such stunts. As it were.” She bit out, as she let her annoyance show in her returning glare.
Fili and Kili shot each other a look. It seemed like no matter what interference, they couldn’t make Thorin or Mistlynn focus fully on anything else but each other.
Mistlynn felt her resolve crumble under the intensity of his eyes. She managed to look away from him, in a rare display of compliance she returned her eyes to the stem of yellow snapdragon’s still clenched in her hands. She could still feel the heat of his gaze on her face, her skin prickling like it was about to be set ablaze.
“We still have engagements to meet. Let us leave Lady Mistlynn here to admire her …snapdragons.” His voice was low, deceptively calm. She let her eyes fall closed for a brief moment as his words washed over her.
“Thank you for your invitation, Prince Kili. But I am already late for my meeting with Master Balin. I would love to accompany you next time.”
Kili and Fili both smiled at her warmly. “We would be honored to have you with us. Until next time, Lady Mistlynn.” Fili inclined his head, while Kili answered in kind with a flourishing bow. She couldn’t help but smile at his antics.
Mistlynn gave them a forced smile as she inclined her heads towards them as she fiddled with the stem still in her hands. As she stepped towards the door, she finally realized that it was still in her hands, on the verge of being mangled in her nervous hands. She cleared her throat as she quickly put the stem back into its jar before rushing out of the door.
“Mahal, Uncle.” Fili whistled out as he gave Thorin an incredulous look.
Thorin looked over at him quizzically, finally tearing his gaze away from the door Mistlynn disappeared out of. “Don’t give me that tone.” He growled. “You were literally praising her antics as if they were something to be admired.”
“She is very easily one of the most admirable dams I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.” Kili hummed. “Present company included, of course.” He bowed towards Raila, who had been silently observing the entire exchange from behind her counter.
She shook her head, a knowing smile on her lips as she walked over to the jar of pink peonies. She pulled out a dozen of the biggest and brightest and began to arrange them. “What Prince Fili is trying to say, if I may be bold, is that a way to a dam’s heart, warrior or not, is through a bouquet of her favorite flowers.”
She quickly wrapped the fragrant blooms in a rich green paper before tying them with a silky white ribbon. She approached Thorin before he could respond and put the bouquet in his arms. “Lecturing a dam of her recklessness before putting a courting bead in her hair will make it only harder for you to win her affection.”
Thorin scoffed, his cheeks heating as he looked down at the flowers. “I am not trying to win her affection.”
Fili and Kili both laughed as Raila smiled teasingly. “Trust me. You will thank me later.”
[KA1]Make an E ha’ak - Son of a she dog - khuzudul
I saw the Disney discussion and it made me think. If you had to assign Disney characters to your CE characters, who would be who/what? 🥰
No pressure, as always!
I absolutely LOVED this ask, and had a really good think on everyone. Unfortunately, Tumblr will only allow me to use 10 GIFs, so I’ve had to limit the number of characters. However, if there’s anyone else you’d like me to pick a Disney counterpart for, please let me know.
I had a little help from @glassgulls on this one, so thank you so much for your help! Much love. And you did ask to be tagged.
@mismaeve Thank you for this amazing ask! ♥️
***********
LUCAS NORTH - Robin Hood. Protector and champion of the people. Charming. Uses disguises.
AMY HOLLAND - Elsa. Holds in emotions. Questioned on life choices. Feels outcast.
ROS MYERS - Klucky. Bold. Gutsy. Fighter. Loves those she lets in.
TARIQ MASOOD - Flounder. Sweet. The “sidekick”, cheerful.
JONATHAN SIMMONS - Lafou. Dim-witted, cruel streak, selfish.
HARRY PEARCE - Mufasa. Leader, wise, brave.
JO PORTMAN - Bianca. Strong-willed, willing to always help, elegant.
SARAH CAULFIELD - Evil Queen. Jealous, callous.
SHARON HOLLAND - Mrs Jumbo. Fiercely protective, kind, will fight for her children.
EEEE! Thank you for the tag @fizzyxcustard! And it was so fun being able to help think up characters with you! This was such a cool ask @mismaeve! I'm glad I could help in some way, I want to rewatch all these Disney films again now with Covert Eyes characters doing cameos.
I’m so happy to hear that Covert Eyes is continuing 🥹 can’t wait for Lucas and Amy’s happy ending (along with their little one). ❤️
Also, I can’t wait to see who the OC will be for “Wrong Place, Wrong Time” when you rewrite it as Raymond de Merville x OC in the future. ❤️
Hello, lovely!
I know I sound like a broken record, but thank you so much for your continued support and encouragement. Covert Eyes has been a 2-year venture (thereabouts!), and it’ll be a shame when it comes to a close, but there will always be space for more Lucas and Amy fics. Their stories definitely won’t be ending!
I’m quite excited for the re-write of Wrong Place Wrong Time. I hope I can still keep up the sheer joy and excitement I felt when writing the original. But it definitely needs an overhaul. There’s so much more I could put in and I feel my writing has changed a lot since 2017.
Oooh yes! I’m glad that Lucas and Amy have many more stories to come (has it been two years already for Covert Eyes?! I remember becoming part of that journey too along the way ❤️).
Looking forward to the rewrite of Wrong Place, Wrong Time; I know it will be great. ❤️❤️❤️
Could I ask, since we know how much Amy loves Disney does she have a favourite all time Disney film? And does Lucas secretly (I know he's not secret about it) have one too?
*please let it be Robin Hood like me*
I would actually say Amy’s favourite is Dumbo. ♥️ Because it’s such a heart wrenching film, it appeals to her.
As for Lucas, I think he’d like something a bit more action-packed. Robin Hood would be a possibility for him, or maybe Aladdin. ♥️
Dumbo is so beautiful and so heartbreaking I can definitely understand why Amy would love it! Plus it's peak classic Disney animation and gorgeous. (The pink elephants still freak me out.) I can totally see her drinking a cup of tea curled up under a blanket on a drizzly day watching this.
YESSSSSSS, well done Lucas! Robin Hood is so cool! Aladdin is also such a brilliant film too it's so iconic.
I'm so glad you had fun thinking of these, I love imagining them watching these films, with candles, all snuggled up. #couplegoals
Hello glassgulls. It’s another week of sending out some interesting ASKs to my mutuals. 🥰 Have you read any must-read classics? If you did, which was your favourite and why? If you haven’t, what is your favourite book and why?
I would say one of favourite writers would be the works of H. P. Lovecraft as a horror and all things spooky lover he's one of the pinnacles of horror and his stories are classics in horror/scifi. 💀👻
