Drunk & Awake @gluemp - Tumblr Blog

my cat hates taking his pills. the only way we can get him to eat them is to turn it into an elaborate pantomime - we take the packet out of the cupboard slowly and hold it up, saying “oh!! what’s this? what’s this? a TREAT? a TREAT for louis????” while making surprised faces. we offer him a pill… then, before he has a chance to sniff it, we wag our fingers at him and replace it in the packet so it becomes a Tantalising Forbidden Mystery. we continue doing this until he’s so confused and excited that he will eat the pill as fast as possible, just so he can find out what it is before we can take it away from him again. as soon as he’s eaten it he looks utterly disappointed and betrayed, like a child who just ate a delicious sweet only to find it was a chocolate-coated brussels sprout. it never gets old

autumngracy

Op this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read

fucktheflagandfuckyou

op how could you just hide this from me in the tag this makes this objectively 10000000% funnier

stalling

50 First Doses

skyline-sunset-in-my-veins

You trick Louis? You trick Louis like a common fool? Oh jail, jail for owners ONE MILLION YE-oh what’s this? A treat?

beansmemes

crazy-brazilian

notajerusalemcricket-deactivate

beaft

sorry to keep baristaposting but i have to share the conversation i just had

beaft

customer: "i'll have a latte, please. wait - do you keep your milk in the fridge?"

me: "yes, all our milk's refrigerated."

customer, looking suddenly dispirited: "i see. so it won't be hot."

me: "...we heat the milk up before we add it to the coffee."

customer, brightening up again: "oh! well, that's okay then!"

nyxfaei

Stuffed animals will see a crack between the bed and the wall and go “is anyone gonna fall into that?” And not wait for an answer

mulderscully

"I'm sorry about that. I-I wasn't ready to hear it. That night at the lake... it was the first time I let myself think you might actually say it. I panicked, and it was daft and unfair, and I won't do it again."

ryan-sometimes

My favourite Da Vinky twins trans ally moments:

When they said their pronouns are they/them because there’s 2 of them

“It doesn’t matter what your pronouns are, because at the end of the day, it’s night”

multibodied

Usually I hate when people online base their whole character around being dorky on purpose, but Da Vinky twins are the only exception to this rule. They're self aware and just genuinely funny, my favourite of them is this video when they're like "People often ask us if we're only acting like this on camera, so today we'll find out. For that we only need to turn off the camera" and then they turn the camera off and the video ends. This is the funniest shit and I adore this joke so much.

crustycrow

i know how to identify all of the barksies now.

utopians

life becomes so beautiful when you start cooking rice in liquids other than water

utopians

put that basmati rice in the cooker with coconut cream and chicken stock and an entire onion that you've diced and sauteed with garlic until transparent. and some salt and pepper. Trust me

youaremyeverlovin

effemimaniac

"Uncle Benadryl's one minute rice" one minute what? awake? left to live?

hubblegleeflower

New Tumblr is now such that I cannot just go to the post with the recipe but must reblog the gatorade and uncle benadryl if I ever hope to make rice with coconut cream.

tommykinard

How dare Henry come into Alex’s house looking like the goddamn James Bond offspring that he is [...] and act like he didn’t slip Alex the tongue and ghost him for a month. — Red, White & Royal Blue, Chapter Six

aforlorngazeintoyesterday-deact

i have. a lot of big complicated thoughts about how people tend to treat depression as like. as if it’s nothing. like it’s the most basic easiest mental illness ever. why do we do this. depression kills people. constantly. people will throw around “depression and anxiety” and say they’re totally normalized nonstigmatized disorders and then you realize they only think mild versions of these disorders exist. i have a laundry list of mental disorders and the only one that’s ever actually put my life at risk was depression. if you throw around depression as if it’s the mildest least harmful mental illness ever have you considered shutting the fuck up.