hockey is the gayest sport

shhh I'm trying to manifest a Check, Please! TV show! this blog is more Heated Rivalry than anything else, but I just drop all my fandom stuff here so there will be PWHL, One Piece, Murderbot, Project Hail Mary, Ted Lasso, DC Comics, Stranger Things, and whatever else I'm feeling at the moment. millennial. gender fluid, any pronouns. Autistic. RiverCityBlueKitty on AO3.

[padchai]

Me and my mutuals when we enter any fandom:

[jewelcoatfish]

ilya sees this old trend where someone holds out a hand to their partner to see what their partner would give them so he comes over to try it with shane who’s on the sofa. he holds out his hand and shane gives him the remote. he tosses the remote aside. shane looks a bit confused. he gives ilya his phone. ilya tosses that aside. he gives ilya a pillow. ilya tosses that aside. he gives ilya his hand. ilya shakes it out. his face squints in confusion before coming up with an idea and rests his chin on ilya’s hand. and okay, well, the challenge is just to annoy your partner, but holy fuck shane looks so fucking cute with his big brown eyes looking up at ilya waiting for his approval so ilya just really has to smile and kisses him about it.

[partingglances1986]

If you enjoyed this book you should read every other book in the world for extra textual context. All things are intricately related to one another.

[coffee-and-cusswords]

sorry for being indecisive, I haven’t had any prophetic dreams to guide me in a while

[1doesnotsimplyhavejust1fandam]

Thinking there needs to be even more utter confusion in-fic about Shane and Ilya starting the Irina Foundation together as friends. Especially from their respective friends, and not because they think it’s a PR stunt.

They hear the press conference, Ilya talking about his mother’s death, and there are sirens going off in everybody’s heads about how in the world Ilya was ever vulnerable enough to tell Shane about his mom when most people he’s known for nearly a decade probably didn’t even know Irina was dead. Cliff is screaming crying throwing up because he had no idea, Svetlana is staring in shock at her screen because at least she had an inkling about Shane but not to this extent, and the rest of his Bears/Centaurs teammates are going “did you know???” in all the chats without him in them. Bood is ready to call Hollander up and beg for advice on how to get this crazy Russian man to open up to their team.

And on Shane’s side of things, his people have zero concept of how Shane makes friends because Hayden and Jackie claimed him from pretty much the moment they respectively met him, Rose best friend-zoned him, and J.J. is basically the final girl extrovert to end all extroverts. But Shane didn’t start off hating any of them like they think he hated Rozanov, and he’s also never had a vulnerable conversation with any of them that didn’t need to be clawed out (gently) from inside him.

Going off of all their prior knowledge of these two, their friends absolutely would conclude that Hollanov are somehow insanely close, platonic soulmates if you will. I think knowing Irina’s story should do a lot of heavy-lifting with their friends when it comes to their closeness, because what could make being friends more believable than telling someone that story? This also means there is potential for their friends calling them soulmates (platonic, to them though), and Shane fumbling over his words in horror and confusion because how did they know, while Ilya’s just like “yes” about it.

[symphoniccowboy]

the first time shane & ilya spend ilya’s birthday together i think the vibe really is ‘saying all of my dog’s favorite words in the same sentence’ because shane wants to make sure its ilya’s best birthday ever & doesn’t know how to do anything by half . shanevoice ilya pay attention i have a plan (nooo hollanderrrrr i want to fuck you NOW is my birthday :((((( how could u be so cruel to me) ok we’re taking the ferrari to mcdonald’s for mcgriddles (ilya visibly perking up) you are allowed to go 125 km/h but only if the coast is clear (imaginary tail beginning to wag) & you have to slow down if you want road head . when we get home we are taking a pot gummy & going swimming & i am grilling for lunch (ilya, his eyes huge, in the apron i bought for you?) yes ilya in the meat daddy apron . then shower, nap, one beer, dinner at my parents’ house, home by 6, and then i’ll give you your birthday present 🙂 does that sound good ? ilya, crying, shane this is my best birthday ever (shanevoice ilya it’s 9 am we haven’t even done any of it yet) MY BEST BIRTHDAY EVER WITH MY BOYFRIEND WHO I LOVE . & after they fuck (because obviously that was the first thing on the agenda shane just likes when ilya whines & begs for it & ilya does too) shane is back-to-business rustling around the bedroom putting their clothes out & talking about nothing while ilya watches from the bed w the big dopey smile of a man enamored with the bus that just ran him over

[penandinkprincess]

i do love and respect the idea of the world at large being stunned at finding out how long ilya and shane have been together, but i truly think that under NO circumstances would shane ever choose to offer ANY personal details about himself or their relationship willingly.

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

with the end result that all shane has to do is shrug and "my husband has already told our story a thousand times by this point. no point in repeating it and boring people." in interviews to get out of people trying to dig into things he doesn't want to tell them.

[cottagehillsunset]

I love the headcanon that Shane, when he's really drunk, is a runner (kudos to whoever came up with it).

It doesn't happen often (his Canadian Boyscout Golden Boy of Hockey image is in tact) but there's at least one YouTube compilation. And it's just ordinary people filming insta stories or videos with their friends. And suddenly whoosh Shane Hollander flies past them. Followed closely by Hayden and/or JJ sprinting after him shouting his name.

And over the years more of these videos pop up. Only now they also include Ilya. Wyatt. Troy. On one notable occasion even Scott because he's the only one who knows his way around New York's streets.

The first time Hayden shows up to a club in sneakers Ilya teases him about it but boy does he reget his words when he chases down a drunk Shane four hours later, Hayden already a couple of steps ahead.

[angel-mistakes]

Hayden figures out "Lily" is a guy after a text on Shane's phone pops up and reads, "you make me so fucking hard Hollander, can't wait to fuck you after I beat you tonight 😈" He also realizes Lily is a fucking Boston-Motherfucking-Raider if his context clues are right. He starts mentally going through the roster of who's on the Raiders and freezes when he realizes. Noah Lillis. Left Winger.

[actuallysara]

the Ottawa Centaurs slowly forming

[rozanovshane]

WELCOME HOME HONEY

[luulapants]

My elderly father started talking about how frustrating he finds “the pronouns thing” and I was like. Oh no. He had such a good stand on this, he’s been they/them-ing his cishet siblings for god’s sake! Is he regressing?? And he was talking about how difficult it is to remember, and how onerous it feels to expect strangers to keep track of it, and I’m like oh no oh no.

Then he says, “I mean, the problem isn’t the gender thing. The problem is four words: she, her, he, and him. We got rid of stewardess and turned it into flight attendant. It doesn’t matter if the flight attendant is a man or woman, so we got rid of it. We just need to get rid of those. I don’t need to know.”

“You don’t need to know… people’s gender?”

“No. I don’t care, I don’t need to know, and I don’t want to remember it.”

So we can relax. It’s just a continuation of his crusade to they/them the world. He doesn’t want to remember anyone’s gender. He’s abolishing the genders.

[teaboot]

Your dad is so powerful

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

He is so so correct

[stabbyflower]

*They are so correct.

[leoandreeda]

Somehow vent art because I'm tired and overworked and Roronoa Zoro is saving me from madness wtf

[leoandreeda]

Zosan version because why not sudbjd

[tipsytern]

was discussing tumblr habits w somebody in a mutual discord server last night and they were so gobsmacked i like to ideally have 100+ posts in my queue at any given time 😭 how many do y’all have in your queue if you use it??

[hugetinymistake]

x

[mutinsfromthemoon]

ilya and shane with the wags when caitlin asks them “you guys are always glued to each other, don’t you have a me time?” and ilya asks “what’s a me time?” and cassie responds “it’s when we have at least an hour for ourselves without our partners” and ilya asks “and what purpose does that serve?” and cassie responds “so we can take a break from our partners sometimes” and shane asks “take a break from your partners? don’t you guys like them?” and caitlin says “well, we love them but there’s no way we’re spending all day together right?” and all the wags agree and shane and ilya look at each other like they’re genuinely trying to understand the concept. later that night at their home shane asks “do you need a me time?” and ilya’s like “shane’s there’s no me time in this household, just us time. you need to be with me all the time, that’s what we agreed when we got married” and shane goes “is that true?” and ilya’s like “yes, and if you move even 50 meters away from me, I’ll die” and shane chuckles and open his arms so ilya can lie on top of him “new rule” shane says as he strokes ilya’s curls “no me time in this house” and ilya hums in agreement

[snowsmoked]

Ilya thinks that he was chasing Shane for two years and Shane was playing hard to get.

What he doesn't know is that from the very moment Ilya said, "so we meet at your house." Shane was plotting, planning, and scheming.

He knew they couldn't be caught together. By anyone. They were so early in their careers and way too many people knew where he lived.

So, the obviously solution was to buy a secret apartment.

This man was researching real estate, trying to convince his financial advisor that yes, the first major property investment I want is an apartment building in the middle of nowhere and I only want to rent out half of it to a non-residential tenant and I do not want to live in it AND ALSO you cannot tell my mom about this.

Ilya was texting him about how much he "wanted these 9 inches" while Shane was emailing an interior decorator for this new property. He was building and decorating them a little nest while Ilya was like, "okay, OKAY, this dick pic will get his attention FOR SURE."

And, like, obviously Shane was enjoying the fact he was playing hard to get.

He bought the fireplace and had to redo nearly the whole fucking roof to install the chimney. He picked out the towels and soaps for the bathroom. He selected the mattress he wanted and thought, "fuck, this is the mattress he's going to fuck me into." It was so much different from when he decorated his apartment. Here, in this apartment, everything was going to be used and seen by Ilya. Eventually.

A finally, finally, when everything was perfect, Shane texted Ilya the address.

And Ilya was like, "Ha! Finally got him."