hockey is the gayest sport

shhh I'm trying to manifest a Check, Please! TV show! this blog is more Heated Rivalry than anything else, but I just drop all my fandom stuff here so there will be PWHL, One Piece, Murderbot, Project Hail Mary, Ted Lasso, DC Comics, Stranger Things, and whatever else I'm feeling at the moment. millennial. gender fluid, any pronouns. Autistic. RiverCityBlueKitty on AO3.

[padchai]

Me and my mutuals when we enter any fandom:

[penandinkprincess]

i do love and respect the idea of the world at large being stunned at finding out how long ilya and shane have been together, but i truly think that under NO circumstances would shane ever choose to offer ANY personal details about himself or their relationship willingly.

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

with the end result that all shane has to do is shrug and "my husband has already told our story a thousand times by this point. no point in repeating it and boring people." in interviews to get out of people trying to dig into things he doesn't want to tell them.

[cottagehillsunset]

I love the headcanon that Shane, when he's really drunk, is a runner (kudos to whoever came up with it).

It doesn't happen often (his Canadian Boyscout Golden Boy of Hockey image is in tact) but there's at least one YouTube compilation. And it's just ordinary people filming insta stories or videos with their friends. And suddenly whoosh Shane Hollander flies past them. Followed closely by Hayden and/or JJ sprinting after him shouting his name.

And over the years more of these videos pop up. Only now they also include Ilya. Wyatt. Troy. On one notable occasion even Scott because he's the only one who knows his way around New York's streets.

The first time Hayden shows up to a club in sneakers Ilya teases him about it but boy does he reget his words when he chases down a drunk Shane four hours later, Hayden already a couple of steps ahead.

[angel-mistakes]

Hayden figures out "Lily" is a guy after a text on Shane's phone pops up and reads, "you make me so fucking hard Hollander, can't wait to fuck you after I beat you tonight 😈" He also realizes Lily is a fucking Boston-Motherfucking-Raider if his context clues are right. He starts mentally going through the roster of who's on the Raiders and freezes when he realizes. Noah Lillis. Left Winger.

[actuallysara]

the Ottawa Centaurs slowly forming

[rozanovshane]

WELCOME HOME HONEY

[luulapants]

My elderly father started talking about how frustrating he finds “the pronouns thing” and I was like. Oh no. He had such a good stand on this, he’s been they/them-ing his cishet siblings for god’s sake! Is he regressing?? And he was talking about how difficult it is to remember, and how onerous it feels to expect strangers to keep track of it, and I’m like oh no oh no.

Then he says, “I mean, the problem isn’t the gender thing. The problem is four words: she, her, he, and him. We got rid of stewardess and turned it into flight attendant. It doesn’t matter if the flight attendant is a man or woman, so we got rid of it. We just need to get rid of those. I don’t need to know.”

“You don’t need to know… people’s gender?”

“No. I don’t care, I don’t need to know, and I don’t want to remember it.”

So we can relax. It’s just a continuation of his crusade to they/them the world. He doesn’t want to remember anyone’s gender. He’s abolishing the genders.

[teaboot]

Your dad is so powerful

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

He is so so correct

[stabbyflower]

*They are so correct.

[leoandreeda]

Somehow vent art because I'm tired and overworked and Roronoa Zoro is saving me from madness wtf

[leoandreeda]

Zosan version because why not sudbjd

[tipsytern]

was discussing tumblr habits w somebody in a mutual discord server last night and they were so gobsmacked i like to ideally have 100+ posts in my queue at any given time 😭 how many do y’all have in your queue if you use it??

[hugetinymistake]

x

[mutinsfromthemoon]

ilya and shane with the wags when caitlin asks them “you guys are always glued to each other, don’t you have a me time?” and ilya asks “what’s a me time?” and cassie responds “it’s when we have at least an hour for ourselves without our partners” and ilya asks “and what purpose does that serve?” and cassie responds “so we can take a break from our partners sometimes” and shane asks “take a break from your partners? don’t you guys like them?” and caitlin says “well, we love them but there’s no way we’re spending all day together right?” and all the wags agree and shane and ilya look at each other like they’re genuinely trying to understand the concept. later that night at their home shane asks “do you need a me time?” and ilya’s like “shane’s there’s no me time in this household, just us time. you need to be with me all the time, that’s what we agreed when we got married” and shane goes “is that true?” and ilya’s like “yes, and if you move even 50 meters away from me, I’ll die” and shane chuckles and open his arms so ilya can lie on top of him “new rule” shane says as he strokes ilya’s curls “no me time in this house” and ilya hums in agreement

[snowsmoked]

Ilya thinks that he was chasing Shane for two years and Shane was playing hard to get.

What he doesn't know is that from the very moment Ilya said, "so we meet at your house." Shane was plotting, planning, and scheming.

He knew they couldn't be caught together. By anyone. They were so early in their careers and way too many people knew where he lived.

So, the obviously solution was to buy a secret apartment.

This man was researching real estate, trying to convince his financial advisor that yes, the first major property investment I want is an apartment building in the middle of nowhere and I only want to rent out half of it to a non-residential tenant and I do not want to live in it AND ALSO you cannot tell my mom about this.

Ilya was texting him about how much he "wanted these 9 inches" while Shane was emailing an interior decorator for this new property. He was building and decorating them a little nest while Ilya was like, "okay, OKAY, this dick pic will get his attention FOR SURE."

And, like, obviously Shane was enjoying the fact he was playing hard to get.

He bought the fireplace and had to redo nearly the whole fucking roof to install the chimney. He picked out the towels and soaps for the bathroom. He selected the mattress he wanted and thought, "fuck, this is the mattress he's going to fuck me into." It was so much different from when he decorated his apartment. Here, in this apartment, everything was going to be used and seen by Ilya. Eventually.

A finally, finally, when everything was perfect, Shane texted Ilya the address.

And Ilya was like, "Ha! Finally got him."

[gaytanic-panic]

[hudconvent]

hudson williams charisma school for the bisexually gifted young pervert

[smokingrozanov]

Troy Barrett queening out with his mom drinking wine & talking shit on his dad all while he’s thinking “I am totally winning the award for world’s straightest son”

[moonlightsonatah]

married shane and ilya having youtube nights where they look up old videos of each other as foreplay. they settle in so cozy and click on video after recommended video of each other getting increasingly turned on with each video that comes on. the day they were drafted (ilya laughing at shane’s angry kitten face and telling him it’s one of the reasons he fell in love with him). their early press conferences. all star games. award ceremony acceptance speeches. compilations of their greatest goals, of shane going so so so fast, of ilya’s signature move, of them slamming each other onto the boards. ending on a highlight reel of their joint greatest achievements on the ice. they desperately fuck about it while that last video replays on a loop in the background.

[mymansmoon]

the I could marry svetlana conversation is diabolical because shane is VISIBLY distressed, eyes shining, vibrating like a plucked string, walls up and braced for impact, and ilya STILL makes him sit through that whole long setup of "we are friends we would be fine" and "I have this problem" and "I like women, yes? and everywhere I go I am surrounded by beautiful women. and these women, they are so fun, and sexy..." before FINALLY BASICALLY telling shane he only ever thinks about him and wants him more than anyone else. and shane has aged five years in the intervening seconds but ilya knew that if he drew out his hurt the eventual balm would be that much sweeter. hurt/comfort but in this relationship ilya is providing both