first day as a second century warlord i have my men tie branches to their horsesâ tails to stir up dust and make it look like thereâs a lot of us but i forget it just rained so there isnât any dust and the enemy can clearly see thereâs like twenty of us all spread out in a line
second day as a second century warlord i bribe a bunch of kids to start singing a nursery rhyme i carefully crafted to spread misinformation and further my strategic ends but they change the lyrics to be about poop and the enemy isnât misdirected at all
third day as a second century warlord i lure my enemy into a narrow valley and send a team of archers to shoot them from the high ground but there was a feral hog napping on the trail up to the overlook and they couldnât decide whether to try and shoot it or just go around and by the time the hog woke up and left on its own the enemy had already passed safely below
fourth day as a second century warlord we attempt to join a battle on the side of the guy we want to ally with but he and the guy heâs fighting have really similar names and itâs finally dusty and i misread the standards and attack the wrong guy. so now weâre stuck with this total loser of a liege lord, because how the fuck do you explain that after a battle?
fifth day as a second century warlord and some sort of wizard wanders into camp, my loser liege lord wants to execute him for being a wizard but i convince him to let the wizard stay, because i want to do more weather-based strategies and iâm pretty sure having a camp wizard can help with that. after the welcome to the team banquet the wizard steals half the treasury and my liege lordâs wife and leaves
sixth day as a second century warlord my loser liege lord sends me to reinforce a city heâs taken, but in the confusion of leaving i forgot to take the token that would have gotten us into the city, so my men have to wait outside the city walls for like eight hours while i ride back to get it
seventh day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord finally joins me in the city, it turns out heâs actually a pretty cool guy, and he isnât even that mad at me for letting the wizard steal his wife. i decide to shoot my shot but iâm really nervous and keep on stalling because what if i mess up our relationship and by extension jeopardize the security of my men, and eventually he just says goodnight and goes back to his room, where an assassin is in the process of setting up to kill him
eighth day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord tells me to fake defect to his rival warlord, the one i originally wanted to ally with, to find out if he was the one who sent the assassin and why. but my whole way over to the rival warlord iâm worried that this has something to do with the wizard thing or how awkward i made it last night
ninth day as a second century warlord i try to tactfully ask my fake liege lord if he sent the assassin to kill my loser liege lord and it turns out the idea of using assassins never occurred to him, but now that iâve suggested it heâs really into it. in order to save my loser liege lord i volunteer to be the one to kill him
tenth day as a second century warlord on my way back to my loser liege lordâs city i realize i wonât be able to collect my men from my fake liege lord until i bring back my loser liege lordâs head. this would have been a great thing to think of before i got myself in this situation. i go back to my loser liege lord and ask him to rescue my men, and he tells me that if he could sack my fake liege lordâs camp he already would have. that doesnât change the fact that my men are still trapped. theyâre prisoners, even. i go back to my room to sulk
eleventh day as a second century warlord i find a little caged pigeon in the rafters of my loser liege lordâs room and deduce it belonged to the assassin. without asking permission or telling my loser liege lord goodbye i let the pigeon loose and follow it north. donât ask what i was doing in my loser liege lordâs room. itâs not important
twelfth day as a second century warlord i disguise myself as a wizard and enter the camp of the coalition leader the pigeon led me to. in the middle of my little sleight of hand performance i make eye contact with the coalition leaderâs second-in-command. ITâS THE WIZARD THAT STOLE MY LOSER LIEGE LORDâS WIFE. after the banquet i corner the fake wizard and ask him what the fuck is going on and he just says âwouldnât you like to knowâ and leaves. i donât know what to say to that so i just let him go
thirteenth day as a second century warlord iâm honestly so sick of not knowing whatâs going on, so i adjust my wizard costume to passably disguise myself as a woman and break into the womenâs area of the camp, where sure enough my loser liege lordâs wife is. i ask her what sheâs doing here and she tells me the fake wizard overheard her singing a poem she overheard on the street, not knowing it contains the coalition leaderâs formationâs weaknesses. the fake wizard kidnapped her and assigned an assassin to kill her husband before they figured out the poemâs significance. she shares the first couplet with me but iâm discovered and thrown out before she can share any more. she doesnât need to. through a bizarre coincidence of homophones, itâs the poop version of my misinformation nursery rhyme
fourteenth day as a second century warlord i go back to my loser liege lord and tell him everything, urging him to join with my fake liege lord to attack the coalition leader according to the weaknesses in the nursery rhyme. he tells me frankly that he doesnât trust me anymore. i ask him to execute me if thatâs really true, because i canât bear to live if i canât protect him and i canât protect my men. he agrees to attack the coalition leader
fifteenth day as a second century warlord. due to the information in the nursery rhyme, and thanks to my loser liege lord reminding me of the weather conditions multiple times while planning our battle strategy, our alliance carries the day. my loser liege lord gets his wife back. my men tell me that our fake liege lord actually treated them really well and theyâd like to stay with him if i donât mind. i do mind, now that neither the men i love nor the man i love have any use for me, but i donât tell them that
sixteenth day as a second century warlord iâm preparing to leave to i donât know where, maybe to try to become a wizard for real, when my loser liege lord stops me and asks me where iâm going. he says he had hoped i would continue to work as his advisor. i was unaware i was his advisor in the first place. i agree, and he tells me heâs truly honored to have me in his service at last. he has known i am a rare and talented man with a strategic intelligence far above his ever since the day he witnessed me tying branches to my horsesâ tails in six inches of mud, and could not for the life of him figure out why
