Genuine question for whoever has the wherewithal to walk my dumb allo ass baby style through this concept: what is the difference between a queerplatonic relationship and a romantic relationship? You live with each other, (some) have sex, make life decisions together, care deeply for each other, don't want to be separated, cuddle and kiss, etc. Every time someone has explained it to me it's been "we do everything that people do when they're in a romantic relationship but it's not romantic", but if you're doing all of the romantic stuff how is it not romantic? I'm not hating I genuinely don't understand the concept and want to
what is the difference between a queerplatonic relationship and a romantic relationship?
While a romantic relationship has certain societal expectations, both of these types of relationships are very broad and individually defined. What constitutes a romantic or queerplatonic relationship for any couple is going to vary by couple, so there is no clear, one size fits all answer here. The only answer is: the designation. A relationship is romantic instead of queerplatonic because people define it that way. A relationship is queerplatonic instead of romantic because people define it that way. Remember, neither queerplatonic nor romantic are inherent categories. They're social constructs humans made up and maintain. So what they are is largely subjective.
You live with each other, (some) have sex, make life decisions together, care deeply for each other, don't want to be separated, cuddle and kiss, etc.
Ah, I see there is a very basic misunderstanding here!
A QPR really doesn't have to contain any of those. Not all QPRs live together or want to. There will be levels to what sort of life decisions are made together. Some people might consider each other similar as to what you would in a long-term, committed romantic relationship (talking to each other about moving or taking a new job, being on the same page about kids, combining finances), but plenty won't. Some QPRs may involve commitment or a form of monogamy, but for others it may be more of a label to each other about their feelings than about any level of commitment to each other. A QPR does not inherently include sex, cuddling, or kissing. QPRs may be long distance. QPRs can break up and end just like any other relationship. Caring deeply for each other - well, we're getting pretty vague here, aren't we? Friends and family can care deeply for each other. Caretakers and caretakees can care deeply for each other. Sexual partners (yes, without a romantic or even platonic component) can care deeply for each other. But you probably have some instinctive ideas about how those relationships all differ from each other/from a romantic one.
Here's a long post on someone's personal QPR and a post about a bunch of people's QPRs.
What I hope you might take from those examples is that queerplatonic is intentionally vague and poorly defined. A lot like the term "genderqueer" means "the queering of gender" and it's up to each person to decide what that means to them, "queerplatonic" just means "the queering of a platonic relationship". Queer is a broad, vague, welcoming term for anybody who relates to it. To add queer to a label is to point queer towards a subject (gender, relationship) but to leave that intentional vague, welcoming lack of cohesive definition. Queerplatonic is a non-romantic relationship that doesn't fit society's idea of a platonic relationship. That's it. There's no set of rules or expectations to what makes a relationship queerplatonic. It is supposed to be individually defined for each person who wants or is in one. If you find that confusing, you're supposed to. Because it was never supposed to mean any one, specific thing.
A queerplatonic relationship is a form of rejecting societal norms regarding amatonormative relationship hierarchies. It's a type of relationship, but more than that, it's a political statement. "I don't have to live within the rigid bounds of what society wants from me. I get to define and create my own life and relationships. I do not conform to your expectations. I define myself."
but if you're doing all of the romantic stuff how is it not romantic?
Kissing is generally considered romantic. Have you never kissed a family member? Is there not a difference to you in kissing a family member and kissing a romantic partner?
Giving someone flowers is generally considered romantic. Have you never given a friend flowers to make them smile or cheer them up or offer them condolences for their grief? Is there not a difference to you in bringing flowers to a memorial and to presenting flowers to your romantic partner?
Going on dates is generally considered romantic. Have you never had a "friend date"? Is it not the same concept to invite a friend to the movies and dinner as it is to invite your romantic interest to the movies and dinner? Is there not a difference in how you feel or approach these two similar events depending on who you're doing them with?
Moving in with someone is considered an important romantic step. But have you never had a roommate who was a friend, acquaintance, or even a stranger before?
Etc., etc., etc.
Things are romantic because someone does them with romantic intent and defines them as romantic. Those same things can be not-romantic because the people doing them have no romantic intent and do not define them as romantic. It's all so subjective. Romantic, platonic, queerplatonic - these are just words to help us communicate general concepts to other people. There are no objective black and white lines here that completely separate these things from each other. Just our personal feelings on them.
I hope this helps clear some things up!
This is a great explanation and it cleared up a lot of questions I had. Thank you for taking the time!
