Word Vomit

She/They | 26 | Vancouver, BC

[haialliecat]

I MISS DANCING WITH YOU!! I miss being friends with you. I just can’t tell you this but just know when I’m drinking tequila and dancing to Latin music I’m thinking about you..

[haialliecat]

I wish you were dead so I can finally get closure. I don’t wish death upon you, I wish you to leave this world happy and healthy when it’s your time to go simply just to finally feel the release of pressure the pain you caused me in this life time is unbearable. You were my everything. I’ve never loved a stranger so deeply and wholeheartedly. I loved you for everything you were everything you are and everything you will be and I will continue to love you. I just don’t want to. I want to be set free and honestly I fear that even your death will not part us anymore. Cosmically connected was a blessing turned curse and I just want out. I want to sever the cord. Let go… I really thought there couldn’t be a worse feeling than my heart breaking but spiritually breaking up with someone feeling this ending. Truly ending hurts like hell.

I wish we could go back to watching YouTube in our fuzzy pjs eating candy together cuddling on the couch to horror movies and watching Bo burnham I wish I could go back to you and how things were. I wish I could go back to the person I was when I was with you..

[haialliecat]

I really want to let go of you. But you’re the ringing in my ears, the initials in passing license plates, repeating numbers, songs and tv shows, you’re in everything yet nowhere to be found. I’m not even looking for you. I’m not evil, I’m not doing any sort of conspiracy magick if anything I’m hurting just as much as you and I’m just as angry as you. I want to let you go so bad. I don’t want to live in the past clinging to the hope you might return to me one day. I want to move on. I want to fall in love with someone else. I can love but I want to fall, deeply and completely like I was with you and I’m sorry I didn’t realize how special our connection was because I was just a young dumb kid and I didn’t know our separation would continue to haunt me well into my adulthood. I’ve tried to let you go. Ive tried to hate you and honestly you make me really angry because fuck you! Fuck you for coming to me in this weird ass way! Fuck you for opening this connection past the 3D standards of this world. Fuck you for driving me into paranoia and psychosis because you’re too much of a punk bitch to face me. You called me, I came and you ran away like what did you even want to happen? To you want me to hate you? Would that make it easier for you? To hate me? To let me go? Well fuck you. One day you’ll see, all the poems, diary entries, letters, all the shit I’ve said to you and your dumb ass will realize I’ve been here this whole time. For you because I fucking love you. I love you so god damn much. I love you however you need to be loved and based on current circumstances in life I’d say it’s platonic as fuck. I miss my fucking best friend! I miss you. I miss you I want to talk to you about life. I want to hear about your kid and how she’s growing, I want to tell you about my daughter and everything I want to tell you about my day and whatever stupid game I’m playing or show I’m watching. I know I fucking scared you with that spiritual connection I said and I know that’s why you left because you feel it too and you don’t want to jeopardize your relationship. I respect that. I finally found someone I want to be with, a single person he’s amazing and grounded unproblematic like healthy and loving just genuinely a great person. Fuck you so much for not being my friend when you still trying to talk to me through unconventional means that make me question my sanity. Fuck you for not just being my fucking friend and pushing me away AGAIN!! AGAIN AND AGAIN YOU PULL ME AND PUSH ME WHATEVER IS CONVENIENT FOR YOU AT THE TIME TO THE POINT WHERE I HAVE TO WRITE SHIT OUT JUST TO CLEAR MY BRAIN AND VOMIT OUT ALL THESE THOUGHTS SO THEY DONT CONSUME ME. I will never again allow you to consume me. I’m cold for a reason and that reason is protection from you. You want to talk to me just do it. I’ve never blocked you. I’m not the one that shut the doors of communication that was you. I SWEAR YOU WANT ME TO BE MAD AT YOU AND FEEL THIS FIRE, this rage this fury. If I could cut our fates cord I would. You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me. Is that what you want? You want my anger? I don’t have it. I don’t have it in me to have you. I don’t even have it in me to dislike you and honestly I’m sorry for that because you’re right and I know you provoke me like this because things would be a lot easier for us both if I did hate you. Yet here I am answering the call to ringing in my ear you send to me and I pick up and immediately I know it’s you. Divinely connected but separated in flesh. It’s honestly torture. It triggers me to split and I swear you’re making me crazy, not in a cute way but in a fucking getting locked in the psych ward way. My brain ain’t right alright. I’m just trying to be alright. I’m done taking drugs fucking ruined smoking weed for me. Fuck you for that. Fuck you for ruining weed for me. Fuck you. Stop calling me. Stop sending me synchronicities. You want me out of your life then CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR. Close the door and lock it. Fucking deadbolt that shit because no matter how hard I’ve tried. I can’t let you go on my own.

[remanence-of-love]

[haialliecat]

Falling, but it’s not in love it’s falling into the depths of your soul and losing myself in your eyes. It’s a feeling I’ve only ever experienced once before. Transcending all other human emotions. I’m terrified. What was walking along a shoreline is now a massive wave of indecision crashing over me, consuming me. The sprinkles of a light rain now an all encompassing ocean tide that pulls me in. How did we get here? Why am I always so unprepared. Tried flowing and surfing the waves you sent out to me, but I fell in and you didn’t help me up. You didn’t even acknowledge that I was drowning.

Drowning but my feet are on land, and there’s no water in sight, drowning in drought. My thoughts of you all laced with doubt. Every time you go away I allow myself to believe you’re better off without me. But when you’re near, when we touch.. oh darling

The universe connects, the stars collide, time itself stops and for a moment I feel blissful comfort like a piece of a puzzle sliding into the picture and fitting perfectly as it clicks into place. Whole and hearted we could make magic happen together. The universe brought you to me for a reason and it might just be another life lesson. But I hold on to hope that you’ll be more than a chapter in a book or a few lines of poetry I’m spewing out just to make sense of my thoughts.

I could dive so deep into you and feel your heart beating faster with every kiss, the way you hold my hand and trace my fingers stopping at the ring if you really don’t know what you want then why would you start this journey with me?

I tried to pull away and to say goodbye because I deserve better than what you’re doing to me but let me say - since you’ve drifted into my orbit you’ve never left my mind.

& the thought of being so deeply involved with another soul that won’t reciprocate is absolutely terrifying. If I didn’t leave this would end up breaking my heart.

[missinyouiskillingme]

[sadsuddensuicide]

I'm watching you only from far away, but you're in my mind ✨

via: fb

[remanence-of-love]

[remanence-of-love]

[spiritualseeker777]

[haialliecat]

Baggage: groovy intro, you’re really good at finding the flow of a song and those vocalssss ahhhh!!! Omg the lyrics too - you can sense the need to just have someone to talk to and be real with a deep longing need for someone who can listen to truly care. Turning to getting fucked up because if you can get fucked up it’s easier for people to talk

Could I say?: Isn’t this the same song from the other album? It has the same feeling this sounds like it’s about a person and things with that person are messy but you both hold on in one way or another definitely someone you love

Original walk(dad’s gadgets): this one is heavier fucking vibing to the angsty punk and bad bitch energy this solo gives you time to ponder all that energy and then the way it fades out is like *chefs kiss*

Red Rick & Manic Jack: I get arctic monkeys vibes are these voices in your head? Or vices? Maybe both? The fuck at the end was it planned?

Kaleidoscope sweetness: I know this feeling it’s that euphoric vibe is also about the substance you used to get that euphoric feeling but it doesn’t have to be very Lucy in the sky with diamonds Beatles good ending of the track cuz it gives the listener hope that you found euphoria without substance

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

- I Guess the Old You is a Ghost (#589: June 25, 2014)

[remanence-of-love]

[haialliecat]

Ah yes seeking things to replace that hole in my heart. I’ve tried so many things but nothing is shaped quite like you. Nobody is shaped like you. Nothing can compare to the love I feel with you. I want to respect your new relationship but something in me just keeps fighting for you. Honestly some days I wish I could stop. It’s not like you’re making the effort to talk to me or anything. All I have to go off on is vague playlists that I’m not even sure are for me. What if they’re not?! Is it all a delusional daydream fed by own ego? You look happy. I wish I could be content with the way things are but I’m not. I’m so not and I try and try to be and be happy and do things that make me happy and some days I’m super happy and light but always goes back to missing you, wanting you near me. Missing your soothing voice and warm embrace, feeling your warm laughter light up the room. Fuck I miss you so much. You look happy and that’s what matters. I really hope you’re happy, I meant what I said years ago & underneath it all I would gladly step down if it meant your being happy. Maybe I can’t make you happy? Maybe you don’t feel happy with me. Maybe I need to move on and realize you’re much happier without me… what a painful thought but one I will consider.

[remanence-of-love]

[haialliecat]

Why can’t I find anything to fill the hole you left in me?

[annaxmalina]

{2023} untitled (prominences) lumen & chemigram

[remanence-of-love]

[notesoutofmymind]