I’d divorce him too lmao
It’s never JUST about the tomatoes.
Basically!
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: He’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow-up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in 10 of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of 10, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together.
Damn, this made me think of all the “shouting into the void” social media posts everyone makes. Just bids for connection. From ANYONE.
I think that is ABSOLUTELY what a lot of that is. Our culture is very isolated (even BEFORE covid!), and we’re desperate to connect with others. I read an article one time that suggested that childcare workers stop saying that a child is “Just wants attention” and start saying that the child is “looking for connection.” We’re starved for it even from childhood.
When they are speaking about a passion, respond to children as if you would a tenured professor at a prestigious university, and to an adult as if you would a child free of the burdens of adulthood.
Children are desperate to teach the wonders of the world that they know, that they have just learned, and share it with anyone interested. Adults pour passion they didn’t know they had into voluntary obligations, and crave a simple acknowledgment of that passion as being worthy and valid.
“Dear third grader, tell me exactly why you chose <x> as you third favorite carnivorous dinosaur instead of second, as specifically as possible.”
“Hey neighbor, your vegetable garden is absolutely gorgeous this year…and no I’m not just saying that because the tomatoes you gave me last year were absolute perfection.”
This is why I find it odd when people disparage/make fun of people for live streaming mundane things like them chilling and eating and going “who would watch that?”
Someone also chilling and eating and just looking for a brief connection to another human being? Even if it’s on the other side of the screen? Even if they’re not necessarily even speaking to each other.
It’s knowing that at this moment in time you know what another human is doing across a vast distance and for a moment the world doesn’t feel so large and empty.
This is happening in so many ways in so many areas of life.
When fandom becomes a consumer thing instead of a community thing, and engagement with fics drops while demand increases, fic writers burn out. And we’re told “write for yourself!” as if that’s some magic balm for creative output that gets ignored. Sharing what we make is a social thing. Fandom used to be a community, a collective. Yeah, some people were still shut out for one reason or another, but it happened so much less than it does now.
Artists who put in months of work to make stuff, get a gallery, advertise to interested people, and then on the opening day… no one bothers to come. That’s how it feels these days as a fic writer. Shouting into an uncaring void.
I think it’s deeply damaging to people, to society, to pathologize and even demonize “seeking attention” because it creates this cycle of feeling neglected, trying to find connection, and being slapped back for daring to do so in a way deemed “wrong”. Even and especially when someone else does the same thing you did and doesn’t get censured for it. See also: childhood as an autistic kid.
I think we as a society need to take a long hard look at this new trend of consumerism, and also about general connection with others and why there’s so much baggage with it.
