Unsuspecting citizen

Just tryin' to live my life man... IF I HAD ANY

[hardstuckgotham]

Smart Survival Guide to Gotham

No. 13: Summer job

.

.

.

At Arkham asylum.

University is expensive. Shocker. It's especially expensive if you make expensive mistakes, like yours truly; I "accidentally" drank a really really really expensive whisky at a college party and now my friend wants his money back. So I needed a summer job to cover my drunken mistakes. And would you look at that! Arkham asylum is searching for people dumb enough to help with paperwork. I am surprised people still work there. And because no other place hires you without a thousand year experience I decided why not, Arkham has policy that covers funeral expenses. So picture me in a white shirt and white pants with a clipboard under my arms looking like I just pissed my pants respectively. My task was simple: document everything. A patient needs two doses of medication? Going in the great book of insanity. A patient bit his handler? Yep going in the book. Did the Riddler hold a trivia night with the inmates? Going in the book. Did the Joker kill half of the staff with laughing gas and escaped? Bo— no wait that's... That's going into the police report. And of course sometimes I do have to interact with the inmates although very briefly.

"I see bunnies." one of the inmates said while I was scribbling down his vitals.

"Well that's good for you but for us? Not so much. I have to tell Claire the medicines are not working. Which pill did you take?"

"Bunnies."

"A colour. What colour was pill?"

"They are fluffy."

I sighed. This was an everyday occurrence.

"Sure man, it's good for you. Could ask the fluffy bunnies what pill you took?"

"Brown. And round."

"Brown and round? I don't see any— Did... Did the bunny just shit?"

"Yes they are my pills."

That was patient number 1 I am allowed to visit with a security guard. Patient number 2 is a little bit more... Extreme.

"Screeeeee!!!" she shouted even before I opened the door.

"Magnificent. Screee to you to. But we normal people usually say Good morning."

I stepped inside to survey the room.

"You destroyed your bed again. Is it good for you to sleep on the floor?"

"BED IS ENEMY!!! IT'S FOR THE WEAK!!! I AM THE QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE!!!" she screamed.

"That's terrific love. And I guess toilet is also for the weak?"

"Screeeeee!!!"

"Lovely conversation. I will ask for the cleaning crew. Please this time don't chew on their fingers."

"CHICKEN FINGERS!!! PREY!!!"

"Don't make me pull out the spray Janna."

"PREY WOULDN'T DARE!!!"

I took the water spray out of my bag. Joanna screamed her lungs out but at least she didn't bite anyone this time. Patient number 3 is just batshit inside.

"The Batman is watching us all." the man was rocking back and forth in the corner.

"Hello to you too James. I doubt Batman would be a discord moderator."

"The bat's eyes are everywhere!"

"If this information makes you feel better bats are blind technically."

"He will come—"

"Ew."

"He is the Hanged man who will bring the worst kind of change to Gotham know to man kind! You will see! He will bring Gotham to ruin!"

"I did not ask for a tarot read but that's good to know. Anyway I am here to give you your lunch."

"Is it pudding?"

"After the Joker's exploitation of our pudding resources we don't serve pudding."

"CURSE THE BAT! This is because of him too!"

"I guess, from a certaint perspective, he could be blamed for nobody getting pudding."

And that's my day. Basically. I don't know how much longer I can work here but one thing is certaint. I am leaving at the first breakout.

Lesson 13: Don't drink expensive things. Just control your alcohol intake kids, or you will end up in Arkham.

[hardstuckgotham]

Hi! I see you guys liked my meme collection. Well somebody didn't, because I just received this from an anonymous user:

Truly a masterpiece. I wonder who could it be? And since when were we at government name bases? It's Mr. Hardstuckgotham or Mr. Unsuspecting citizen to you dear hater.

[hardstuckgotham]

I am a fine collector indeed. I bought you a new report post (Sheesh guys you shouldn't love me this much) painted in 2026 by an unknown artist who is ""possibly"" not a native English speaker. It's a fine piece resembling the renaissance of scamming. It's certainly an upgrade from our previous piece which was more like pointillism. Please do share your priceless artworks if you have it I am more than eager to discuss ""art"". Possibly starting a new exhibition at the Gotham Museum?

[hardstuckgotham]

Aaaany moment now. Aaaany minute now... Oh there it is:

Get more creative guys where is the wow factor?

[hardstuckgotham]

I am a fine collector indeed. I bought you a new report post (Sheesh guys you shouldn't love me this much) painted in 2026 by an unknown artist who is ""possibly"" not a native English speaker. It's a fine piece resembling the renaissance of scamming. It's certainly an upgrade from our previous piece which was more like pointillism. Please do share your priceless artworks if you have it I am more than eager to discuss ""art"". Possibly starting a new exhibition at the Gotham Museum?

[hardstuckgotham]

Hi! Sorry I just dropped my favourite memes from Bat.funny.com:

Ps: Sorry for the quality I don't have excess to my laptop now. Peace ✌️

[hardstuckgotham]

Which Gotham citizen are you?

The official Gotham city citizen test. Take it and see which Gotham citizen you are!

Good day fellow citizens! I now share the official Gotham citizen test! Test your might aka: what kind of citizen are you? Good luck and have fun, remember it's mandatory!

Ps: I would love to hear your experiences and your results. I accept criticism even if I cry a little bit.

[hardstuckgotham]

Guys guys help. I'm sweating out the Niagara falls right now, because me and my idiot buddy thought it would be funny haha if we sneak into the theatre to see a random movie and then boom! The whole Batman's collection of orphans is sitting there! Behind us!!! I'm sipping that cheap cola like it would be a Beaune Beaux & Bons Jean-Claude Rateau 1981 with the shaking hands of an alcoholic! Oh and we also spotted Bruce Wayne's butler in the corner. I would ask where is Bruce Wayne but I heard he has a very rare condition of theatre allergy. By the way the movie in question was this:

We are starting Retro week in Gotham strong my fellow citizens.

[hardstuckgotham]

Hello fellow citizens! It is me. Your daily reminder that there are people with worse decisions than you. You won't believe what happened to me! Someone just tried to scam me! In Gotham?!? I know shocking, gather your jaw off the floor now. I was just thinking about the next episode of Smart Survival Guide to Gotham when I saw this message:

I of course immediately ran to the settings menu. So people wanted to speak to me? All this time the citizens of Gotham tried to reach out to me but all in vain because I was deaf to their voice like the mayor of Gotham?!? How could I- wait... No... That's not it:

Alright maybe it's the devil of technology or Livewire at work. And since I am so kind and benevolent and all in all a cool guy (I don't accept criticism) I reached out to them:

And then this editorial masterpiece blessed my mortal eyes:

Guys... It's beautiful. I have no words. Also who doesn't uses dark mode on their devices these days? Anyway this was paired with a message screaming desperation and genuine worry for my account:

Yes dear I wouldn't be here in the first place if I wouldn't have seen your comment. I am not Superman ya know I can't be summoned by shouting my account name. So yeah I answered with the seriousness of a grown adult in their 20s:

I thought this was it. Verne 1:0 Scammer. But no they dropped another banger and man I thought I had a "interesting" story telling style. Well this guy just free styled this in my comment section, which I don't know why they did when they already messaged me, but who am I to judge our next Shakespeare:

I even got a little marketing for Discord here. So let's run it back a little. Someone is pretending to be me. How sad your life has to be to pretend to be someone else, let alone me. And YOU my dear decided to report ME. So... You know who I am. And you also know that someone is pretending to be me. Of course the logical take away is that you should report the ORIGINAL account that YOU know. I would have done the same in your place. Hmm who should I report on this fine afternoon? Verne or this random bloke I found? Verne of course! And I will tell my friends too! It's such a nice team building exercise. Back to Walt Disney here they said the person pretending to be me took their money. Fellas. You can ask for money on this site? I mean oh that fake Verne did? Oh my I would never! But seriously how. So you naturally file a report against the fake Verne right? Right?!? Nope. Not even close. Alright Hans Christian Andersen decided to twist a story a bit here saying support sent THEM an email that they are going to terminate MY account. See?!? Even Tumblr staff don't want to talk to me. They would rather send an email that they edited with Ms paint to the person who is CAUSING my account to be terminated in the first place. And the only solution is if I resolve this situation, the VERY situation I don't even know about in the FIRST place because they didn't send me SHIT!

Hmmm interesting policy very yummy. And they are so stressed too! My god if only I could find it in myself to care about a Tumblr account! Dude I have bigger problems in life, like thinking about how I am going to own a house in this economy, how am I going to get my dissertation ready before deadline, will I have enough money to buy bread, can I find a job or just stare at the white wall trying to decide which phonk song should I listen to on repeat for 10 hours. Do you know why I don't believe you? Let's put the obviously fake image and the fact that no one is pretending to be an account with 31 followers (thx btw :D) aside.

Because I was inactive since DECEMBER. I posted my first comeback post YESTERDAY. Whoever this fake account is works faster than the devil. Also my posts gain small attractions since nobody wants to read a block of text only gigachads got that much attention span.

Sorry for the long post I had a ton of fun with this. Please be careful out there ❤️

And don't mess with me again or I will tell Batman.

Also also feel free to share your experiences! The more people are aware of this the better! Rise and grind✊

[hardstuckgotham]

Of course sorry my bad:

I am being SUS right now. What's next? We are going to bomb your location in the next thirty minutes? Gosh please no I am currently on the train Gotham's railway doesn't need anymore casualties! I swear I did hear Joker sometimes pretends to be someone else for money like a whore but I didn't though he learned about Tumblr.

[hardstuckgotham]

Hello fellow citizens! It is me. Your daily reminder that there are people with worse decisions than you. You won't believe what happened to me! Someone just tried to scam me! In Gotham?!? I know shocking, gather your jaw off the floor now. I was just thinking about the next episode of Smart Survival Guide to Gotham when I saw this message:

I of course immediately ran to the settings menu. So people wanted to speak to me? All this time the citizens of Gotham tried to reach out to me but all in vain because I was deaf to their voice like the mayor of Gotham?!? How could I- wait... No... That's not it:

Alright maybe it's the devil of technology or Livewire at work. And since I am so kind and benevolent and all in all a cool guy (I don't accept criticism) I reached out to them:

And then this editorial masterpiece blessed my mortal eyes:

Guys... It's beautiful. I have no words. Also who doesn't uses dark mode on their devices these days? Anyway this was paired with a message screaming desperation and genuine worry for my account:

Yes dear I wouldn't be here in the first place if I wouldn't have seen your comment. I am not Superman ya know I can't be summoned by shouting my account name. So yeah I answered with the seriousness of a grown adult in their 20s:

I thought this was it. Verne 1:0 Scammer. But no they dropped another banger and man I thought I had a "interesting" story telling style. Well this guy just free styled this in my comment section, which I don't know why they did when they already messaged me, but who am I to judge our next Shakespeare:

I even got a little marketing for Discord here. So let's run it back a little. Someone is pretending to be me. How sad your life has to be to pretend to be someone else, let alone me. And YOU my dear decided to report ME. So... You know who I am. And you also know that someone is pretending to be me. Of course the logical take away is that you should report the ORIGINAL account that YOU know. I would have done the same in your place. Hmm who should I report on this fine afternoon? Verne or this random bloke I found? Verne of course! And I will tell my friends too! It's such a nice team building exercise. Back to Walt Disney here they said the person pretending to be me took their money. Fellas. You can ask for money on this site? I mean oh that fake Verne did? Oh my I would never! But seriously how. So you naturally file a report against the fake Verne right? Right?!? Nope. Not even close. Alright Hans Christian Andersen decided to twist a story a bit here saying support sent THEM an email that they are going to terminate MY account. See?!? Even Tumblr staff don't want to talk to me. They would rather send an email that they edited with Ms paint to the person who is CAUSING my account to be terminated in the first place. And the only solution is if I resolve this situation, the VERY situation I don't even know about in the FIRST place because they didn't send me SHIT!

Hmmm interesting policy very yummy. And they are so stressed too! My god if only I could find it in myself to care about a Tumblr account! Dude I have bigger problems in life, like thinking about how I am going to own a house in this economy, how am I going to get my dissertation ready before deadline, will I have enough money to buy bread, can I find a job or just stare at the white wall trying to decide which phonk song should I listen to on repeat for 10 hours. Do you know why I don't believe you? Let's put the obviously fake image and the fact that no one is pretending to be an account with 31 followers (thx btw :D) aside.

Because I was inactive since DECEMBER. I posted my first comeback post YESTERDAY. Whoever this fake account is works faster than the devil. Also my posts gain small attractions since nobody wants to read a block of text only gigachads got that much attention span.

Sorry for the long post I had a ton of fun with this. Please be careful out there ❤️

And don't mess with me again or I will tell Batman.

Also also feel free to share your experiences! The more people are aware of this the better! Rise and grind✊

[hardstuckgotham]

Smart Survival Guide to Gotham

No. 12: Spoiler alert

New Year’s Eve in Gotham is a trap.

I don’t mean that metaphorically. I mean statistically, something explodes every twenty-three minutes between midnight and 3 AM. But I’m a university student, which means I make excellent decisions like “studying for winter exams” and “ignoring all survival instincts because fireworks pretty.”

So there I was. Midnight. A scarf I thrifted that probably belonged to a former crime lord. No friends because they all have self-preservation. Walking toward the pier where the official fireworks were supposed to happen. The sky was already angry—not with lightning, but with that specific Gotham orange glow that means either a chemical fire or someone’s dramatic entrance.

I took a wrong turn.

Classic. I once got lost in a public library. Now I was lost in a warehouse district, surrounded by shipping containers that definitely had bodies in them at some point, and the fireworks were getting closer. Except the fireworks sounded less like boom and more like beep.

You know the beep. The one that means “you have approximately four seconds to regret every life choice.”

I rounded a corner and saw him. Small guy. Big purple hat with a feather. Little wired mind-control doodads scattered on a table. The Mad Hatter. Because of course. I was hoping for Calendar Man—at least he’s predictable on holidays.

Hatter was giggling to himself, wiring up a cluster of devices labeled “BIGGEST FIREWORK :)” in marker. Real professional. I counted six bombs. Maybe seven. I stopped counting when I realized I was breathing too loud.

That’s when I noticed the second figure. Perched on a crate like a gremlin who’d been laid off from the circus. Purple hood. Black mask. Stitched-up logo that looked like a cartoon ghost had a nervous breakdown.

Spoiler.

I’d seen her on the news. She’s not Batman-level terrifying, which honestly makes her more relatable. She looks like she also has student debt and poor impulse control.

She was trying to sneak around the Hatter’s blind spot. Quiet. Careful. It would’ve worked if I hadn’t stepped on a soda can.

The sound echoed like a gunshot. Hatter whipped around. Spoiler froze mid-crouch.

And I, Verne, the bamboo-stick ninja with the survival instincts of a lemming, did the only thing my brain could come up with.

I insulted him.

“Nice hat,” I said. “Did your mom knit it for you, or did you lose a bet with a garden gnome?”

Silence.

Hatter’s eye twitched. “Excuse me?”

“I said,” I continued, because apparently my self-preservation took the night off, “you look like someone who unironically thinks Alice in Wonderland is a documentary. That feather? Tragic. The purple? Aggressive. And honestly? Mind control is such a lazy villain gimmick. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the pizzazz?”

Behind Hatter, Spoiler’s head tilted. I could practically hear her thinking: Who is this idiot?

Hatter turned fully toward me, red-faced, forgetting his bombs, forgetting his perimeter, forgetting everything except that some random civilian in a thrifted scarf just called his fashion sense mid. “You DARE—”

“I do dare,” I said. “I also dare you to explain why you think a tea party theme is still relevant. It’s been decades, my guy. Touch grass. Or a different hobby. Crochet is very calming, I hear.”

He lunged.

I screamed internally and ran in a zigzag because martial arts class said that makes you harder to hit. It does not. It makes you look like a frightened duck. But it bought Spoiler exactly four seconds.

That’s all she needed.

By the time Hatter realized he’d left his bomb table unguarded, Spoiler had already ripped out half the wiring, thrown two devices into a water barrel, and zip-tied his ankles together with a speed that suggested she’d done this before. Many times. On purpose.

She turned to me mid-disarm of the fifth bomb. “Left wire or right wire?”

“I failed physics,” I said. “Purple?”

She cut the purple one. Nothing exploded. She nodded like I’d just aced a test. “Good instinct.”

Three minutes later, Hatter was tied to a lamppost with his own hat stuffed in his mouth, the bombs were defused, and I was sitting on a crate trying to remember how lungs work.

Spoiler landed in front of me (she jumps around a lot—very fidgety, my kind of person)

“You’re Verne,” she said.

Not a question. A statement. My blood turned to ice slushie.

“Uh,” I said intelligently. “No?”

“Batman showed me your blog.” She grinned. “The Unsuspecting Citizen account. He said you’re ‘annoyingly observant and a security risk.’ I think he meant it as a compliment. Hard to tell with him.”

I opened my mouth. Closed it. Batman reads my blog? Batman thinks I’m a security risk? That’s the best review I’ve ever received.

“I’m a huge fan,” Spoiler continued, bouncing on her heels. “The tax evasion joke? Incredible. The martial arts episode? I laughed so hard Alfred gave me a look. You know the look. The disappointed grandpa look.”

“I… thank you?”

“But.” She put a finger on my chest. Not threateningly. More like a very aggressive bookworm. “You need more Spoiler content. Your posts mention Red Hood three times. Three! And me? Once. I feel neglected, Verne. And I don’t like being neglected.”

I blinked. “You want me to write about you?”

“I want you to write more about me. I’m funny. I’m stylish. I once tricked Riddler into solving his own riddle wrong. That’s content, baby.” She stepped back, pulled her hood up, and pointed finger guns at me. “Next post. Spoiler feature. Or I tell Batman you called his car ‘an overcompensating bat-shaped emotional support vehicle.’”

“…you heard that?”

“Everyone heard that. Oracle has it on loop.”

She launched a grappling hook and was gone before I could ask what Oracle is or why Batman reads my blog or how I’m still alive.

I sat there until the real fireworks started. Red and gold. Much prettier than the exploding kind. And I thought: Gotham is insane. I am also insane. Maybe that’s why I’m still breathing.

Lesson 12: If you see a man dressed as the Mad hatter and hugging a stuffed rabbit toy maybe turn around and never go into that alleyway again.

[hardstuckgotham]

Smart Survival Guide to Gotham

No. 11: Waiting Tables

Let me paint you a picture. My laptop is so ancient that when I open it, moths fly out. Not the digital kind—the actual, biological, “we’ve been nesting in your ventilation for three generations” kind. Internet Explorer? Please. My laptop looks at Internet Explorer the way a medieval peasant looks at a smartphone. Confused, slightly afraid, and utterly convinced it’s witchcraft.

So when I saw an ad for a one-night waiter gig at the Wayne Foundation Gala, paying more per hour than my monthly ramen budget, I did what any reasonable, financially desperate university student would do. I lied on my resume. Not about anything important. I just added “excellent balance” and “calm under pressure.” Both are lies. I once tripped over a flat floor and I scream internally when my toast pops too aggressively.

The venue was stunning. Crystal chandeliers, tables that cost more than my future, and guests so rich they probably wipe their tears with hundred-dollar bills. My job: carry a silver tray of champagne flutes, look polite, and not drop anything on a person who could buy my bloodline.

Simple, right?

Within the first fifteen minutes, I learned three things.

First, rich people are allergic to saying “thank you.”

Second, champagne is heavier than it looks when you’re holding it above your head for forty minutes.

Third, Bruce Wayne is either a genius or the most oblivious man on the planet. He shook my hand, asked me how the “young people are doing these days,” and walked directly into a pillar.

Jason Todd Wayne took not one not two but THE WHOLE TRAY of champagne glasses out of my hands. Nonchalant male in his natural habit I guess. People told me he was dead for a while he had a funeral and everything. So he must be only visiting the mortal world. Is the afterlife so boring that you had to come back to Gotham? In his place I would have chosen Hawaii.

Damian Wayne was... Agitated to say the least. When the paparazzi asked him "what is your favourite drink?" and the answer was "the blood from your skull" I could already see a very tired Dick Grayson Wayne walking towards his youngest brother and say "he was talking about those new gummies". Damian erupted into fit of HOW DARE YOU! And a string of Arabic words that I do not understand nor do I want to.

Cassandra Cain Wayne was in the corner playing on a Nintendo switch with Timothy Drake Wayne. When I passed by they were talking about the potential power of a slave camp so I took a peek just to see they were playing Minecraft. So they weren't discussing the people of Gotham. I got scared for a second, because believe me I wasn't made for physical work. I was actually made by God to read legal documents in an air conditioned office with a bag potato chips.

The gig was nice actually I got paid the Wayne family was actually super kind (even Damian said he would never hurt waiters he has morals and honor) Dick even tipped me I accidentally spilled champagne on a woman that was trying to seduce him. The problem were the other rich people. No manners, they make it clear they don't care about you (the amount of times they stepped on my toes my god they are all broken now) and they socially humiliate you for fun!

Lesson 11: Getting a job at the Wayne Gala is good for your bank account but not for your self-esteem.

[hardstuckgotham]

Therapist in Arkham: French Batman doesn't exist he can't hurt you.

French Batman:

[hardstuckgotham]

Got stuck on a bus on my way home 'cuz Batman and Bane decided to battle it out instead of sitting down and talk, or play poker idk. So entertain me:

What's your biggest ick about Gotham city?

[hardstuckgotham]

POV: A Gothamie goes to Metropolis and sees colours for the first time:

[hardstuckgotham]

How the mayor of Gotham city looks in his recent interview, after founding millions to the GCPD AGAIN instead of social services:

[hardstuckgotham]

Ask button (does it have a name?) didn't bite me this time! Good job on training it 🙂‍↕️

What are some jobs you would or wouldn't go for?

I didn't name the little critter yet, but I was thinking of naming it either bastard or cricket. Anyway that's an easy question! I would never work a single second in a job that requires brains a night shift. Can you imagine getting robbed at least twice and when the third robber comes you are like sorry sir we are out of cash please come back later?

The Iceberg Lounge might pay well but nothing is going to protect me from gun shots and batarangs.

Ace chemicals is also out of question I don't want to gamble between getting cancer, getting fed to a giant plant by Poison Ivy, and accidentally getting super powers.

Arkham Asylum? Do I have to explain? At least I am not at risk of falling in love with a batshit crazy clown. In exchange I am at risk for EVERYTHING.

Where I would work however is Wayne Enterprises. Good salary, good work environment, bonuses and only a couple of break ins by super villains? Not to mention I get a glimpse of Tim Drake Wayne in a suit? Sign me up like it would be the military!

I would totally be journalist at Gotham Gazette or Gotham Globe. When I don't live for my god and saviour the LAW (see: I am a law major) I live for the drama. What was that? Did Damian Wayne just soccer punched a journalist for asking if his mom came back from buying milk? Or Cassandra Cain yes and no answers for questions like, what's your favourite Dick Grayson Gala outfit? Iconic.

So yeah there are some fun stuff even in Gotham! Shocking, right?

[hardstuckgotham]

ooc: is there a gotham rp community blog thing on tumblr?

Hi! So this is going to be the first and probably last time I will do something ooc. This is great opportunity to explain this whole thing that is going on here. This page IS interactive. The main topic is Gotham ofc but everything in the DC universe goes. If you are going to message me I will probably answer back in Verne's character. Anyone can be citizen or you can also roleplay as DC characters I will answer regardless. There is no continuous story line yet but anyone is welcome to start one.

HOWEVER I really am a university student in real life (shocking) and my free time is all over the place so do forgive me if I disappear, but like Batman I will be back.

Rules I guess are that it is mandatory to have fun, no shipping war I ain't ready for that one yet and this page SFW (I know it's a dumb rule I probably won't receive bat dick picks but who knows in this economy).

So yeah have fun. You have to. 👍