The last two months for me this year have been extremely tumultuous; not only for deeply personal experiences, but also for specifically the holiday season, Thanksgiving and upcoming Christmas. Anyone who knows me remotely knows how much I love Christmas. There is something I find so magical about it, and I still cannot put words to how much joy it simply brings to my heart seeing decorations and lights come out.
But let’s start at the beginning of the holiday season first: Thanksgiving.
Driving back from work, I think the day before Thanksgiving, I began crying and when I finally parked my car, I bawled my eyes out. I realised over the course of the night as it slowed down and everyone was inquiring about people's plans and spending time with each others' families, I simply had not spent a Thanksgiving with my own family for a decade. Not only that, but also I was not even asked by my parents over the course of those years about doing anything together for Thanksgiving at all.
My family has never been big on holidays at all. So it's not surprising really to not even have Thanksgiving to ever been brought up, but this year I realised how much it truly struck a chord with me when asked by co-workers or new friends what my plans were or what I 'usually' did. Hah what I usually did.
Every year is completely different; sometimes I would spend it with a friend, other years if I happen to be in a relationship I would spent it with my partner's family, one year I spent it with a family whose roof I was living under. And I'm extremely grateful for the people who take me during the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas included, also Easter or even Fourth of July, whatever holiday.
This is the same for Christmas. Over the course of the last ten years, I was gracious enough to have spent Christmas in London, Bruges, Paris, Florence, and Hong Kong and I'm forever thankful to have traveled and seen the beauty within those cities. But a few I knew I took for granted and I regret that, but something always seemed to be missing.
I love Christmas and love the traditional nuances that come with it that I remember from childhood. Actually, my favourite Christmas to date has been the one in Hong Kong, my birthplace. It was a revelation and an experience of introspection and self-respect. I confronted my parents on how abandoned I felt when I left for college and they moved to London and I no longer had a home in my hometown of Harvard, MA amongst apple orchards in the United States. I learned more about where I came from and my own childhood.
2017, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I'm extremely grateful for the people (whom I can call family) whom have come into my life and have taken me under their roof under kindness within their own warmth of their homes to celebrate the holidays. This Christmas I chose not spend it with my own family and while that has not been the first time and I'm sure it will not be the last time, I realise it is personally the most impactful decision for my head space I have made for any holidays over the decade.
Over the last several months, I have struggled with anxiety and PTSD and the last two months it has gotten a lot worse. Worse to point where it has affected me at work and daily life. I recently had an anxiety attack in front of the owner and all my co-workers on the line. I realised about two years ago in therapy, I was and am a victim of domestic abuse. And now, I'm realising triggers; vocal tones, personal space issues, why I stopped wearing necklaces are some I recognise.
Last Christmas with my family, the first couple days were everything I could have ever wanted: warming, inviting, loving, joyous. And suddenly, criticism, cynicism, and judgment followed me everywhere and soon I sunk in that hole of depression, self-loathing, utterly low self-worth, I felt when I was berated and abused by my own father when I was a child.
While I addressed my issues with my family and working to move on, I did not realise how difficult this Christmas would be, in terms of how significant it is and how emotional I would be. I'm very grateful to even have to the option to chose to not spend holidays with my family as I know there are people in this world who do not have that option. I truly hope that everyone who reads this is able to spend their holidays with people they love and are in a SAFE environment. Please don't take the little things for granted.
annaxmalina
germansingergirl
yousharknotpass
andulkaphoto
dededos
jacobvanloon
prguitarman
