Healthy Relationship Support

An anonymous ask blog for folks of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, and family and relationship models with questions about healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships. This blog is run by a handful of advocates for domestic violence survivors. Before submitting, please make sure to check out the guidelines! We also have a resource page. Answered asks are tagged as "hrs asks."

[porterdavis]

Hold their feet to the fire

[once-a-polecat]

FYI: ProPublica has been doing some really impressive investigative reporting on health insurance denials for years now. 👍

[wholesmememeshub]

Gets to be rather disconcerting to hear people discussing red flags, all the time. So, here are some green flags to consider.

[foxes-in-love]

My family just lost their "having me in their lives" privileges!

[mollyjames]

I think it's important to remember, as a rule of thumb, if you take advantage of a social service, it actually makes it easier for other people who need that service to access it. Most of the time, when these services get cut, it's because politicians will look at usage and say "see, no one is really using this thing, we can afford to trim the budget for food stamps by at least half". Whereas if you decide to step up and use these programs, even if you feel like you "don't really need it", at bare minimum it's another data point advocates can use to say "hey, look, people are using this thing, this is an important service we are providing, do not cut our funding".

[stickthisbig]

I want to point out something important here: when it comes to social services, they can't unspend the money. They built this new clinic; it's not going to get less expensive. They hired these new doctors; they're not going to work for free. The worst you can do by going is cause them to need more money in their next appropriation. This goes for disaster relief money, any kind of debt forgiveness, anything like that. If you are eligible, you should do it. You are not wasting money; you are only spending the money that you have already been allotted as a person who is eligible for the service.

[thundergrace]

Bad Bitches Have Bad Days Too

[thundergrace]

[inkskinned]

fucking hate it when the stuff everybody says "actually works" does actually work.

hate exercising and realizing i've let go of a lot of anxiety and anger because i've overturned my fight-or-flight response.

hate eating right and eating enough and eating 3 times a day and realizing i'm less anxious and i have more energy

hate journaling in my stupid notebook with my stupid bic ballpoint and realizing that i've actually started healing about something once i'm able to externalize it

hate forgiving myself hate complimenting myself more often hate treating myself with kindness hate taking a gratitude inventory hate having patience hate talking to myself gently

hate turning my little face up to the sun and taking deep breaths and looking at nature and grounding myself and realizing that i feel less burdened and more hopeful, more actually-here, that i am able to see the good sides of myself more clearly, that i am able to see not only how far i have to grow - but also how much growth i have already done & how much of my life i truly fill with light and laughter and love

horrible horrible horrible. hate it but i'm gonna do it tho

[maculategiraffe]

[rainbluealoekitten]

ayo can you guys please share some trans resources! it can be educational accounts, websites, (international) organisations, or anything really!! it's for a trans awareness month i'm organising at school but unfortunately nobody is really helping me (:

i may also ask later for some specific people (or generalised, depending on how it goes) for some trans people to answer a few questions from an 'ask me anything' i've organised too

thank you in advance!! <3

[genderkoolaid]

The US Trans Survey

Digital Transgender Archive (has a LOT of trans* history)

TransReads (has free trans-related books)

Black Trans Advocacy Coalition

[healthyrelationshipsupport]

"Self-soothing" refers to techniques that a person can use in the moment when their emotions get activated (triggered). Here are some common self-soothing strategies that our staff and survivors often use for themselves. 💜

[julieterbang]

pepper_udon

[wiisagi-maiingan]

Do not talk about your abusive family on tiktok. Do not talk about your closeted identity on tiktok. Do not talk about your traumas and mental illnesses on tiktok. Do not talk about your plans to move out from your abusive household on tiktok. Do not talk about the ways you disagree with your bigoted family on tiktok.

Do not attach your face or voice to anything on tiktok that you do not want your family members, neighbors, coworkers, or classmates to see. Be smart and stay safe.

[wiisagi-maiingan]

Before posting ANYTHING on tiktok, ask yourself what could happen if your video is recommended to someone who recognizes you in real life.

If you're talking about your abusive mother, what will happen if one of her friends sees your video? If you're talking about being a closeted trans teen, what will happen if your friend's parents see your video? Will there be consequences? Will you be in danger? Are you in a safe enoigh position where that information getting out wouldn't put you at risk? What information do you want circulating about yourself?

[wiisagi-maiingan]

Hey, I'm seeing some concerning tags on this post so I want to clarify something:

Your parents not using tiktok/not being good with the internet in general does not mean you're safe from them finding your videos. I have a cousin who posted about her mom's abuse on tiktok and that video was recommended to a family friend who showed it to her mom.

Your videos could be seen by a classmate who tells their parents who tells your parents. They could be seen by a teacher who calls your parent about them. They could be seen by one of your parents' coworkers or your cousins or your siblings or one of your neighbors or a hundred other people who could eventually lead it to your parents somehow.

Do not attach your face to this shit. Do not share any identifying information. Tiktok specifically reocmmends videos based on location, your phone contacts, and any other social media you're connected to. Your videos will reach someone you don't want seeing them, even if you turn off location settings.

How tiktok uses your location, even when you turn it off.

How tiktok uses your phone number, contacts, and other social media to make recommendations.

[the-sayuri-rin]

New York judge rules in favor of polyamorous relationships

The judge concluded that polyamorous relationships are entitled to the same sort of legal protection given to two-person relationships...

The judge concluded that polyamorous relationships are entitled to the same sort of legal protection given to two-person relationships.

[rapeculturerealities]

California Is Officially the First Sanctuary State for Trans Youth | Them

California Is Officially the First Sanctuary State for Trans Youth

Governor Newsom has signed a law that stops other states from prosecuting trans youth who flee to California.



OAKLAND, CA - FEBRUARY 9: Governor Gavin Newsom speaks at a press conference on Wednesday, Feb. 9, 2022, in Oakland, Calif. Newsom signed legislation to extend COVID-19 supplemental paid sick leave for workers and bolster Californias support for small businesses. (Aric Crabb/MediaNews Group/East Bay Times via Getty Images)MediaNews Group/East Bay Times via Getty Images

We all need some good news to close out the week, and here it is: California is now the first sanctuary state for transgender youth in the U.S.

On Thursday, Gov. Gavin Newsom, who is currently running for reelection against Republican challenger Brian Dahle, signed into law SB 107, blocking states with anti-trans laws from prosecuting families who seek gender-affirming care in California. The law, which was introduced by state senator Scott Wiener in April, takes several measures to protect families of trans youth who flee their home states due to legal threats or investigations in states including Florida and Texas.

Under the new legislation, no subpoenas based on out-of-state laws that “interfere with a person’s right to allow a child to receive gender-affirming health care” will be honored or issued; doctors are no longer compelled to disclose a trans child’s medical information if the request is made in relation to a law prohibiting gender-affirming care; and state courts are now granted emergency jurisdiction over child custody cases in the event that the child or family is fleeing such a law or investigation.

[theconcealedweapon]

Can I ask for some advice? What should I do if my boyfriend constantly falsely accusing me of cheating? He screams at me and called me a cheater, he told me that he has gotten phone calls telling him I'm cheating on him and telling him things that I only I would know . when I asked him who's telling him that I'm cheating or what info this person knows about me, he refused to answer and just said it's a reliable source. I have never cheated on him . I dunno what to do.

Any advice from followers?

[vaspider]

Dump. Him.

All of this is abuse. All of it. He hasn't gotten phone calls, he is making this shit up. All of this is so textbook to what my ex used to do to me that I just fucking shuddered.

This is domestic abuse. There is only one solution and that is get. the fuck. out.

[aqueerkettleofish]

Also, get yourself tested, because he's absolutely cheating on you.

[vaspider]

yup yup yup yup

assume he has been cheating on you and get yourself tested.

[healthyrelationshipsupport]

Unfortunately, all the commenters are right: this is absolutely abusive behavior, and it's fairly likely that he's cheating on you, OP. :/

[paradoxlemonade]

Allistic people really need to stop phrasing requests as questions because it's fucking with me

"Do you want to help me cook dinner?"

No, I'm still overwhelmed from earlier and want to stay in my room.

"well fine, dinner will be ready when it's done." And now they're upset with me

And I'm just here like ???????

[butterflyinthewell]

Oh God I hate it when they frame it like that because it sounds like a choice, but if you say no they get all offended. It’s an illusion of choice and it’s so annoying.

If I ever ask something, it’s an offer, not a demand. “Hey, wanna watch a movie with me? No? Okay, I’ll go watch it, you chill here and I hope you feel better.”

[dxs4all]

I can't count the times I got in trouble because of that as a kid while never having any idea what exactly I did wrong.

Those requests with only one correct response disguised as questions with multiple answers just made me think I couldn't actually say "no" to anything (because I had no idea which ones were the secret requests), something I still have trouble to this day.

[lesbofujo]

Also when they just make an observation but they expect you to know that they’re asking for something. Like “Oh the trash can is pretty full.” But they really mean “Could you take the trash out?” Just fuckign say what you mean 😒

[madgastronomer]

Here's the thing. They've literally been trained since childhood to do it this way, and probably do not realize that what they're saying can be interpreted another way. It's an Ask vs Guess problem. In particular, a lot of women are taught to phrase things is a Guess way. The way they were taught to speak, they are saying what they mean.

If you want someone in your life to switch from Guess to Ask with you, then you need to have a discussion with them, Ask them to meet you somewhere in the middle on this, possibly explain the difference in cultures, definitely explain, "When you say $THING, it does not mean to me what it means to you", and then understand that it will take them time and work to change, and that you may need to be an active participant in that change. You can do this by remembering that things do not mean the same to them that they do to you, and, when they say, "Do you want to cook dinner with me?" replying with, "Are you asking me to do that, or are you asking me if I'd like it?"

Yes, I understand that this will be hard for you also. You and this person in your life will both need to work on this, together, and be forgiving of one another.

This is not something the other person is intentionally doing to you, or at you. They are speaking as they were taught to speak, that's all. It happens to conflict with your neurodivergence. That happens. It can be dealt with.

[darkpuffin]

I don’t have a problem differentiating, and it still annoys me.

so often, it goes like this,

“do you want to cook dinner tonight”

”No, but I’ll do it anyway.”

[brightlotusmoon]

I'll say that but I will use a very joking, chipper tone so it feels light-hearted. I hope it feels light-hearted. Hahaha. Help.

[kyidyl]

My mom is like this bc that's how she was taught conflict avoidance by HER mom. So I've done what the above person suggested and been like "look, if you need me to do something please just ask instead of implying I have a choice". And there are plenty of times when I'll still have to be like "is this a real choice or no?" but now she knows when I say that I'm asking for clarity and not being snarky.

[33v0]

[zagzie]

this is the best tag I’ve ever gotten in my notifs actually

[desultory-suggestions]

It’s okay to stay alive for the small stuff. Who will water my plants? Who will feed the dog? I want to hear that new album before I go. I want to see the next episode of this show. There’s no inadequate reason to stay alive.

[noobtheloser]

:)  More Behind the GIFs. 

[randomslasher]

This…I actually…really needed this. Like.For real legit thank you.

[darkbookworm13-deactivated20240]

me too