Spoken Words Written Down

Shared thoughts and feelings. Mostly to remember.

[heartfeltphrase]

Sometimes, you feel like a stranger.

[heartfeltphrase]

I sit alone in a bathtub filled to the brim. Water so hot it sears my skin. Bubbles ticking my chin. I sit alone in a bathtub filled with self doubt. Emotions so high they make me want to shout. Count to ten. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I sit alone in a sunken-in couch with coffee clutched tight. The evening fades to night. I sit alone in a sunken-in couch earbuds in - volume up I’m trying to drown my fears out. Count to ten. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I stand alone on a crowded floor. Music playing way too loud. Every note created to remind me.. count to ten. Breathe in. Breathe out.

[heartfeltphrase]

I want to spend an eternity of sunrises with you.

[heartfeltphrase]

God, loving you hurt.

It was like a wildfire that raged through my soul. You threw me out like yesterday’s garbage and then brought me back inside... 38 times.

You would call or I would text. We were so weak for the feeling of skin pressing against skin.

Time 14 you said that this was really it. We had spent the last two nights on your living room floor and this was going to be the last. We fell asleep in each other’s arms and made breakfast at noon. You kissed me when I left for work and I remember thinking this was the end.

Three weeks later you called and that brought us to 22. I’d had enough. Three days later I broke down and asked you to drinks. That was 23. You must have known it’s my favorite number because you did everything right.

We battled back and forth the next few weeks. Bringing us to 37. I had met someone new and you got wasted on pills. The kind that turn your mind inside out and your eyes into fishbowls. Your friend called me because he knew I was the only person who would listen.

Three days later we sat on your bed, you clean and me painfully aware of my past 37 mistakes, and I promised this was where it would end. It wasn’t healthy.. and you said ‘just one more time’.

Thirty eight.

[heartfeltphrase]

When I married you I jumped feet first into a love that was bigger than me. You swallow me whole and exhaust my senses.

[heartfeltphrase]

It’s rained for three months straight. I should have known it was made to drown out every thought of you. With the turn of yesterday the ground is settling, the sun is touching the grass tops and the new day is blinding my tired eyes. I’ve never felt more alone or empty. Just empty. Useless.

[heartfeltphrase]

I don’t want to forget the way your skin presses up against mine. How you hold me in one arm and the other hand traces designs upon my skin. The way your hand moved my chin to bite my bottom lip then traced over my cheekbones and into my hair. How you waited until my breathing was shallow to fold me into you. I don’t want to forget.

[heartfeltphrase]

They say date someone who is like home to you. Their arms like open doors and heart full of flames to warm up your insides. Someone who breathes you in differently and knows what truth lies behind your tired eyes at 4:27am.

Find that person and say yes. Say yes to late nights, car rides, tired feet and worn jeans. To road trip adventures, quiet times, hands that love and a mind that cares. Say yes to letting yourself believe in love again. If it’s the first or thirty ninth time. Say yes.

[heartfeltphrase]

I feel in love with you again on May 18 at 11:34 pm. We got home from working lunch shifts and sat on the couch playing on our phones. You changed and we got in your car because it's better and you like to drive. We walked up and down the aisles of stores looking for gifts. We found a card for my brother and you got the cd of that band you like so much. And then at the pet store we picked out fish and rocks. On the way home you laughed because I wasn't holding the bag right. I want to remember all of this. Every single moment. Every sideways glance and misplaced step. God do I love you. I feel it in my bones and then in my chest when I can't seem to catch my breath. We set up the tank under neath the tv stand. It's nice there. You drove us to dinner... And I think my tastebuds are changing because these days all I crave is you. But you say it's normal to change and maybe I'll stop liking chicken so much. I don't think you see how much you mean to me. Later we walk down the aisles of another store to purchase the things we forgot and I am the luckiest girl in the world. At home I read the directions and you install the water filter. We sit on the floor listening to that cd and watching our new fish. I so want to spend my forever with you.

[heartfeltphrase]

I found home in your heart.

Six-Word Story

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Home has never been a place but rather the way you say my name. And I miss hearing it even when it’s only been a day. I hate that we don’t say goodbye because we know we will be right back here in a couple of days. But what if? What if time, in all of its illusive forms, runs out? And what if I mess everything up? I can’t bare the thought of never hearing you say my name. Or not being able to wrap myself in your arms. Because that is where my home is. And I am constantly changing the way I view my home. But without you by my side I am nothing.

[heartfeltphrase]

Somewhere between Braselton and Hoschton last night I realized that you are it. The one that makes grocery shopping fun and ordinary, lazy days full of laughter and pointless drives. You make my heart beat louder whenever you wink from across the room. No matter how sleepy I am when I get woken up by your alarm in the morning I am thankful for being there. Thankful to fall asleep and wakeup beside you. You make things easy. At first, easy was scary to me. Easy is foreign. My past relationships were not easy. But then again, my past relationships were not with you. 

[heartfeltphrase]

Home is where the heart is. Or at least that is what I am slowly finding out. I never expected that I would run head first into a relationship like this. One where you constantly make me feel like I am the only person in a crowded room. And I'm realizing it as if I jumped into the ocean in the middle of December. You're like cold air in my lungs. I can't breathe when you whisper in my ear. I didn't think I would find someone who would help erase all of my doubts even when I've been fostering them inside my bones for years. Then I found you. And at the end of every day I want to walk through the door and find you there. I want to be able to hold your hand and sit on the counter top listening to music while we, but mostly you, cook dinner. Because that's home. I know we will constantly have hurdles to get over and things to work out. But that's just it. This is about compromise. And last night I wanted to tell you how I've been wanting to change because you're someone I want to be with even when the lights are on. Here's to always feeling like home in your arms. I'm sorry I'm such a mess at this. 

[heartfeltphrase]

A letter to you

I told myself I wouldn't fall in love for a very long time. I had wounds to heal and it was a painful place that I wasn't sure I wanted to go back to. Then you came along and I can't seem to stop. You've watched me talk myself into a corner and all I've really wanted to say to you for the past 16 days, or 384 hours, is how wonderful you are to me. 

I used to detest mornings. The light would stream in through the curtains and I would grown as I buried my head into the pillows. But now, now I wake up and as my eyes adjust to the room I get this weird feeling in my ribcage that mornings aren't so bad.

Two nights ago when I spilled out all of your faults because I was upset you just sat there and listened. I hope you keep doing that. I hope you keep listening because one day I'm going to build enough courage to stammer out how I feel. It's probably not the way everyone else would say it. But every time I tell you to be careful or that I hope you're day is going well I would much rather be telling you that I love you.

I have never said it first. And this is scary. Because what if the other person doesn't love you back. I just keep reminding myself that four different types of cookies and random morning goodbye kisses mean something. So listen close because I'm driving myself insane over here. 

[heartfeltphrase]

Somewhere between all these sheets and the way you sigh in the morning I started to fall for you. But while I was figuring out just how many inches are between your fingertips and your collarbone. Or how much longer your legs are compared to mine. Or how your nose crinkles at the end when you think something is funny. You, you weren’t with me. Somewhere in the midst of all this you found a reason not to trust me. So while I was falling in love, you were falling into doubt and slowly we were falling apart. And I'm afraid there is nothing more for me to say because I don't think anyone will understand. I just wanted you to know me for me.

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I wish I could remember all of the things I wanted to tell you at 3am this past morning. But I can’t. And you’re too consumed in your various types of emotional numbing to remember the words that spilled out of my mouth and into that empty room.

I’ve always drank to forget. But you. You drink to remember. And it’s a sad story, really. I could fill your ears with every good thought and idea I’ve ever had of you but at the end of the night it will always come down to this. Maybe I’m being too sensitive. But every time you breathe out the words that form the text from the love stories of your past girlfriends my heart sinks. I’m sorry that you’re hurting. Please tell me what I can do to make it better.

Because all I want to do is fill the empty space between our hands and stare at the stars and slowly breathe in the smell of your cigarettes. It’s that simple. I invest my time because I think you’re worth it. I wish you could see you the way I do.

[heartfeltphrase]

I awoke in your arms this morning and all I could think about is how you've greeted me with a sleepy smile and good morning for the past three days. I got up and slowly found my way through your house. The dog was asleep on the back deck and everything seemed so quiet. I crawled back in bed to find my place curled up into your side. Mornings like this make me thankful for all of the simple things. Like the time you danced through the house or the multiple times snuggling turned into a fit of laughter. I know these past few days have been long and difficult. Our schedules are changing and life is moving on. So thank you for simple mornings and lunches filled with conversations. Thank you for sweet texts and reminders that I'm pretty. I'll see you soon.