Listen, I'm not good at writing stuff like this.
I usually just do business memos with bullshit jargon for the investors, and even then I typically get my secretary or my assistant to write them for me. But this was important, so I wanted to write it myself. There was a lot to say. Important shit. Personal. Intimate even.
I guess I should start with… ugh, fuck.
I really wanted to see you. I was so excited when I found out that finally… finally it was going to be our time. I know you didn't realize, but I'd been waiting so patiently to meet you for so long. Years, at this point. It felt like an eternity. And don't make some joke about human years and dog years. It's not that it'd be a bad joke or that it wouldn't be funny, it's just… well right now, it'd just hurt.
I know you only just found out about me, but I have been waiting for so long. This should have been our defining moment. I wasn't sure how it would all go when the time came. I hate to admit it, but under all the excitement, I was nervous as hell. You seemed to have mixed feelings about me, and I get it. I know how I must look, big scary wolf man running through the woods, but I knew that once you got to know me, you'd see the REAL me.
I wanted this to work. I really did.
I don't know what happened. One moment I was counting down the days until I would finally be able to be with you, and the next I'm being told it was all over. All it took was one week, and they not only stole three years of waiting, but an untold number of years of our future.
Sorry, wolf boy! Go back to the woods where you belong.
I'd watched you with the others. I got to know you - all of you - from afar. Your scents carried stronger on the wind than you realize, and I have a very sensitive nose. You can learn a lot about a person through their scent, you know. I get it, to people like you it might seem weird or maybe even creepy, but that's just a thing with my family. It's normal.
And your scent…. it was intoxicating. It always stood out from theirs, with their scents of bookstores, paint thinner, jasmine, brimstone and sweet apple. Far and beyond the strongest.
If your nose was as sensitive as mine, from me you'd get sweat and ceder, grass and dirt, fur and iron, plus even more layers that don't have names so much as they have feelings. I've even been told once by my cousin that my scent has hints of chocolate, but I think she was just bullshitting me.
Why am I telling you all of this?
Maybe something will change. Maybe they'll change their mind, and I'll be able to come out of hiding and finally… FINALLY we can meet properly.
I guess I'm just afraid we'll never get our chance.
Shit… I was so close. I could practically touch you. Your scent was stronger too, and no longer mixed with the scents of the others. It was there. YOU were right there.
Years of waiting, gone in less than a week.
And now it gets to the part where I feel like I need to apologize again. There's so much I wanted to say to you, things I wanted to show you and do with you that now…. I might never get the chance. So, just in case, I want to at least tell you. I can't just go without even telling you everything I had hoped and planned for us. I'm sorry if it's a lot, but hell… I had years to think about it.
I wanted to go on long walks with you. It probably seems cliche, but I love the woods. There's something nostalgic about the smell of rotting wood and fresh leaves. The best is either right after it's rained, or just an hour after sunrise when the sun is at the perfect angle to shine through the canopy. It's like a stained glass window. Don't even get me started on the bird song. You would have loved it.
I wanted to spend cozy nights in with you. I'm a big movie buff. You give me a comfy couch, throw blanket, and an unlimited streaming, I'm a happy guy. Not so big on the horror though, but I'd have watched them with you if they're your favorite. Movies are always better with company anyway. Shit, I was really looking forward to binging all of your favorites with you.
I wanted to take you to meet my family. They would have loved you. Especially my grandma. I told her about you, about how you were a Deepspace Hunter. She told me, "You better be good then, or she'll knock you out!" I bet you could probably give me a run for my money. I always loved a bit of play wrestling, if you know what I mean.
Do you like to cook? I do. Everyone says my recipes are weird, but I like them. I bake sometimes too, though I'm not great at it. I'm still working on perfecting my auntie's chocolate chip cookie recipe. I'm getting pretty close actually. I'd hoped I could have made the perfect batch before we met, but…
There's more. So much more. But my hands are shaking. Too much to say.
I don't want to believe it's all gone. I want to believe there's still a chance. I've never just rolled over for anyone, though I might have for you. But this? I can't. I won't.
I want those walks through the woods. I want movie and game nights. I want family dinners. I want to go on long drives, with the wind in our hair and the smells of the world rushing past.
I just want to hold you…. is that too much to ask?
I really hope this isn't the last time you hear from me. I hope something changes and we are able to meet properly, like we were supposed to. Like we were always meant to.
I just wanted the chance. Even if things didn't work out and you decided you wanted one of the others instead, but… I hoped that we could have at least had the chance to meet and get to know each other first. Even if I wasn't your type, you should have had the opportunity to choose at least.
That choice got taken from you. From both of us.
With any luck, something will change and things will be different. I'll finally be able to tell you all of this and more in person. Hell, maybe you won't even get around to reading this until then, in which case… well, I guess I was afraid for nothing. But like I said, this was important. YOU are important. And it had to be said somehow, even if I feel awkward as hell about it, just in case it was my last chance.
Just promise me something, ok? If things truly have gone sideways and this is the last time I'm able to reach out to you… Live your life in the best way you can. Whatever will make you happy, go for it. Don't hold back, and don't apologize. Even if I can't be there beside you, I just want to know that you're happy. That will at least make the sting of all of this a little easier to bare.
And if you do end up with one of those other guys, they better do a damn good job at filling my shoes. If they don't, well… the next time they're out late at night during a full moon, they just might meet the Big Bad Wolf.
I will be watching, waiting, and hoping that our time will still come someday.
If you're waiting for me too, listen for the howls.
I'll be singing just for you.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
