Chapter 1 : ON
BTS OT7 , OT7xYN , NamjoonxYN, SeokjinxYN, YoongixYN, HoseokxYN, TaehyungxYN, JiminxYN, JungkookxYN
TW: Mental illness, psychosis, depression, body dysmorphia, past bullying, casual sex, loss of relationship, violence, talk of weapons, blood
As the leader of Bangtan , Namjoon felt the weight of his responsibilities to bangtan and he had felt it worse since you left. In a way, he was happy he had to focus on the others' well being . Somedays when his responsibilities felt heavier than others, he could lose himself in Bangtan and, for a moment, it would feel like things were how they were before everything fell apart. One thing he couldnt deny was that heartbreak had been an amazing motivator. Throwing themselves into their work Bangtan had gone from a small group of friends who knew how to get things done, to a feared syndicate with complex connections and a massive income. Namjoon could sometimes convince himself that it hadnt been for you, it hadnt been so if he ever saw you again you would be so impressed that you couldnt say no to him. Couldnt say no to his brothers.
Nothing prepared him for the day you showed up in their lives again. The usually composed Namjoon was a mess with you in the same room. He had walked into the boardroom for a financial meeting, one that would help secure their place as the underground kings of Seoul, and found you right away. You were sitting amongst the attendees, as though you being there was of no major circumstance. Sitting attentively as though you could just show up and be another name in a long list of faces . Feeling his stare you , nervously met his eyes, and he felt like his heart stopped beating. It was you, really you. Yes, in five years something about you had changed , but in that moment he would have done anything for you and you knew it. He had almost forgotten the rest of Bangtans appearance until he heard them shuffling in behind him and he began to panic. He swore he fell in love with you more when your eyes softened in understanding at his sudden panic. Of course he still seemed cool and collected on the surface, but you knew better.
Yoongi had spent his life hiding his feelings, except for with you. Always cool and collected, thats what got him this far in life and Bangtan. When others were motivated by emotion, and ethics, Yoongi was cold facts and logic. You had seen through thst though. You always told him that when you looked in his eyes , you saw a deep pool of emotions that you wanted to drown in. He had showed you affection , the best to his abilities and you had seen them for what they were and on a rare occasion held him while he wept. Not wanting to talk about it, not wanting an explanation, just offering absolute understanding. He went numb after you left, it wasnt safe to feel those emotions, the world would nburn and he had been having enough trouble keeping Hoseok under control. He never gave up hope that you would return , though. Worked relentlessly to build an empire with Bangtan hoping that one day when youd come back you would join them again. Everything he did was for you and Bangtan knew that, they didnt stop him because they felt the same. He wondered sometimes, if their loss of you, was the only thing they had in common anymore. Not that it mattered, since it had been working well for them.
Today he was grumpy. He had been up all night going over blueprint after blueprint and was still expected to attend the meeting. Pretty useless, as all the paperwork would end up on him and Namjoons desk to go over , this meeting could have definitely been an email. He kept his eyes trained on the back on Namjoons head and followed him into the room where he would be bored to death for whatever duration it took, but Namjoon seemed eager to leave as well and he took that as a good sign. Hoseoks sudden tense on walking the room sent Yoongi immediately on alert. He has a moment to wonder to himself if Hoseok or their business partners would be a bigger threat before he locked eyes with you , and before he could fully register that it was you he felt like he was drowning.
Hoseok had in his own way taken your absence the hardest. Growing up his life had been spent in one mental hospital or another. His craving for violence , his paranoia were enough for his parents to abandon him as a ward of the state at 15, in the end he had aged out of these homes and met Namjoon, who saw a use in his unique set of skills and outlook on the world. Beginning only as Namjoons body guard , he now was in control of a small army with a special gift for violence who knew how to get things done and Hoseok had found happiness, but he found contentment when you walked into their lives. It was almost as though your presence had made all the voices go silent. As if all the voices were in absolute awe of your presence and didnt dare speak unless spoken too. You were the first one to make him feel human in his whole life. You had said that he had an adaptation to his reality, not a malfunction , and that he was still worthy of love and respect like any human. Up until you the only respect he had experienced was at the cost of his bloodlust. His brothers loved him, of course, but they still saw him for what the rest of the world saw and always had a trace of fear behind their eyes. Not you though.
When you had left he had seen to it that the world would burn. Every person who betrayed Bangtan, every time someone crossed his path, was paying for your absence. Part of him was punishing the world because he couldnt punish you, not that he would in any way. He was unstoppable because what could hurt more than you abandoning him, right? Nothing scarier than a man who isnt afraid of dying and more often than not Hoseok had hoped he would make one wrong move, that someone would finally stop his reign of terror, because the voices would stop . They talked about you a lot, they also talked about his Bangtan family. The voices told him that they could see right through him, and it made sense because they never made a move to stop him. He did sometimes wonder what you would think of him now. He knew youd be scared of him , of who he had become, buut he wouldnt silently remind himself that he did it for YOU.
The voices had been particularly annoying today. He was itching to get on the field, do what he did best, but instead he had to attend a board meeting with Namjoon as his protection and a founding member of bangtan. He just had to make it through this meeting and he would be left to his own devices, he expected a particularly trigger happy evening for him and his army. He waslked behing Namjoon taking in every detail, every possible security threat. There was a heavier defense sytem in this building , he noted, if things went wrong Hoseok would have the chance to take out his frustrations in order for them to escape. Namjoon stopped just inside the doorway and froze, sending Hoseok into attack moden for a moment. Was Namjoon hit? Was there danger in the room? After taking a quick glance at Namjoon seing no obvious injuries, he scanned the room. That's when he locked eyes with someone and the voices stopped.
To anyone who knew anything about Bangtan, Jin was the glue that held them together. In a group of unloved boys who came together to build this life together, Jin offered a quiet understanding and a warm home. You had said that he served as such a master manipulator for bangtan because he had an unbiased, deep understanding of people,even strangers. You can't use peoples thoughts and emotions against them unless you truly understand what motivates them, you had said. He believed you because that is what you had always offered him just that. From your small nods and warm smile after a tough mission, or taking the role as caretaker of Bangtan when he felt his exhaustion deep in his bones. He hadnt connected with anyone on any level since you left. Why bother? He was a master of being ingenuine, even attempting to open up to someone he wouldnt know what to believe what he was really feeling. But you, you understood with just a look and that's what he needed. Surprisingly his lack of hisown emotion helped him even further understand others emotions. He was a blank slate and he was a projection of those around him.
That was why it was important he attended this meeting. Namjoon needed to know if they had any ulterior motives, if they were trying to trick them into losing money. What Namjoon and the others had never said is this one just one more step to giving you the life you deserved when you returned. He felt the shift as soon as they enteredthe room and automatically began to assess the situation and then he was you as he was hit with guilt, surprise, hurt and most of all, love.
Taehyung had been dfferent his whole life. From the time he was old enough to play with the kids at the park they bullied him, knowing he wasnt quite like them so he must be weak, right? Wrong. He grew up to be devilishly handsome and with that his odd tendencies were labelled cute quirks. His past still shaped him , though. Seeing the cruelty of people, even at such a young age he recognized it was human nature. Taehyung felt emotions deeply, maybe too deeply, but it served him well as the secret keeper of Bangtan. See , anyone and everyone loves to talk, especially about themselves. All he had to do was flash a smile and an ear and a few careful questions and people were ready to tell him everything. It all went straight to Namjoon of course , and he mosty stuck to the shadows, only making public appearances with Bangtan when necessary. His charm never worked on you. You had told him he was beautiful , and that there was something about him that made it easy to open up to him. But you were naturally a genuine person, especially with him.
When others blew off his personality, the way he dressed, and his words, you looked at him like he was a piece of art. You once told him a day with him did more for the heart and mind than any art ever could. He had scoffed at that , because, how could any piece of art, any piece of music, any natural wonder measure up to you? Their love had been like something out of an old movie. Slow dancing to old jazz records in his room, reading to eachother poems that only conveyed a fraction of the love that they had felt for eachother.
When you had left, Taehyung had disappeared back into his shell. There's only so many side eys and remarks one can make before it wears away at oneself. He still found himself saving songs from old vinyls and poems ripped from books for you to enjoy when you came back. Outwardly, to anyone who didnt know better, Taehyung had become cold. While in the past he used warmth, and flirting to get people to talk, he now opted for intimidation and cruelty. He had become the bully and you would have hated that for him.
He hadnt wanted to go to this meeting, even before he saw Bangtan eye his green suit up and down. He didnt need them to be picking him apart, that was his job, and his patience was low today. Walking along with his brothers he kept himself amused by humming a jazz song he had discovered in the back of some vintage store or another. It was soft and bright, like you, but inside he felt deep and sorrowful . The sudden stop off Hoseok had him bumping into him and jumping back. He could feel Hoseok itching for combat and it was putting Taehyung at unease , he didnt want to be the target of Hoseoks rage today. Taehyng quickly looked around to see what would cause Hoseok to be so careless, who was going to be the subject of his wrath and then he saw you. Like the greatest treasure at any museum, like the grandest orchestra , there you were.
If lust had a physical embodiment, it would be Jimin. He just oozes sex to men and women alike , and knew how to use it to get what he wanted. Jimin always had a taste for the finer things in life, always wanting more. When he had met Namjoon he had already been living a gluttoous lifestyle, but Namjoon made him realize he had a talent that could be utilized for something bigger, greater. Whole empires have been brought down because of sex, and Jimin wanted to build an empire on it. While he had grown soft and affectionate towards his members over nthe years, others would describe his gaze as hawk-like, like a predator zooming in on ikts prey. YN had never seen that, she saw right through him. To late nights hiding under the covers, memorizing every curve and imperfection of eachothers bodies you were the first actually intimacy he had ever experience. He thought arousal had equated intimacy until you, how a single peck on the forehead could leave him powerless to you.
When you left Jimin had tried to convince himself that his long list of high profile one night stands were for work, but he eventually had to face the music and realize it was intimacy he was craving. Taehyung, as odd as he was, seemed to understand this, and would quietly hold his hand or grab his thigh affectionately under the table when he could. This didnt help, he appreciated it, but it just made him feel like he was more alone. A steady sex life had proven to be very lucrative to Bangtan, but he felt so alone.
Jimin had left a lover in his bed that morning to join the boys at a meeting. Jimin felt the need to complain, to hide his relief that he wouldnt have to see the stranger off, someone else could take care of that. As they walked in the building, immediately a group of secretaries were whispering behind their hands about him and he flashe them his most seductive style. Just like that he had them, he would have to remember their faces for when they were done with the meeting. He couldnt resist himself and flashed a smile at an especially flustered man in a three piece suit. Jimin had him right where he wanted him and it wasn too easy. Jimin strutted into the room thinking about all the possibilities with these coworkers but his steps failed him and his cockiness left him as he saw you. Then, with one quick moment of eyecontact, he knew you couldnt leave because you were all he ever needed.
Jungkooks hated his smile, his bunny teeth making him look even younger than he already was, and as the youngest he didnt need to be reminded of that. You had loved his smile , which worked out well because you were the major source of it. Jungkook knew his weapons, he had turned his body into his biggest weapon with an unhealthy excercise routine but the most deadly weapon in his world was your laugh. Jungkook never had a great body image, you later suggested body dysmorphian, and you were the only one he believed ever liked his body. He couldnt look in the mirror and see what everyone else saw. That's why when you left he became obsessed with perfecting himself as a weapon. The burn and exhaustion gives him something to focus on instead of your laughter. At first the memory of your laugh was the only comfort he found, then in his mind it became mocking, telling him he was worthless. That was bad but not as bad as when he forgot what it sounded like all together. You never treated him as the baby of the group but as an equal and he almost believed it. You two were a sanctuary from the reality of thet lifestyle, laughing until your stomachs hurt and sharing memories of his hyungs and sharing the secret knowledge that all of them were secretly the most amazing generous people you knew. But now he wasjust the baby again, talked down on,nor respected , not matter how much he worked out and built his strength.
This morning he had a moment in front of the mirror and thought of what you would think of him now, what would you think of the empty shells Bangtan had become? None of it mattered without you here, and why do they keep pretending that it did? Jungkook was the last one to enter the room. This was related to a shipment of weapons and that was his line for bangtan, but one of his hyungs could have taken care of it , he felt particularly ugly today but straightened his back, and walked in. Immediately he noticed his hyungs freeze and was alarmed by such an intense set of emotions that these usually well composed men were feeling and so he followed their gaze and there you were. He felt himself deflate, and relaxed his stance when your eyes met and couldnt help but smile the first genuine, full bunny teeth smile that he had in years.
You knew logically that they were going to be there, of course they had to be there, but nothing had prepared you for this. They had betrayed you, you shouldnt have any more emotional connection to them, you owed them nothing, but then why was this so hard? You had left Bangtan and started a new profession in a new place the honest way, but years of living with bangtan you could no longer afford your lifestyle on an honest job salary so that's how you ended up in weapons deals. You pruposely didnt keep track of the boys, as they hurt too much to think about. Youre only cue of just how bg and successful they had gotten recently when you had been informed about your purpose inthis meeting . Your boss had taken your hesitance as concern about getting involved with Bagtan and reassured you that yur name would not be connected to them on paperbut he had no idea how connected you already were to them. Theyu would know now from the way the seven boys honed on you and were now staring at you. You had tried to blend in the crowd of seats but that had been unsuccessful. The worst part of it all is as soon as she saw them she felt the pain of being in love with these men all over again.
