hiraya

ranting about things in my life ⋆ 𖤓 ⋆˚࿔ dashboard by noah kahan

[mervynbunter]

Philip K. Dick, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (1968)

[lady-dedlock]

Everything, even herself, was now unbearable to her. She wished that, taking wing like a bird, she could fly somewhere, far away to regions of purity, and there grow young again.

Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary

[maripostics]

again, i wake up after sleeping for 20 minutes, chilled to the bone and drenched in grief. i wonder what drowning feels like

[that-girl-blogger777]

for sophie

june gehringer / alex dimitrov / sylvia plath / sue zhao / ryan o'connell / jeff buckley / me / sydney rose / anne sexton / @/abstractstarlight / unknown

[dayaar-e-ishq]

Is there anything more bitter than letting go of friends you once thought were your ride or die?

Coming to terms with the fact that you’re walking down different paths, and if you don’t let go of their hand, you’ll be torn apart. No one warns you about this. No one tells you that being true to yourself, to your self-worth, can sometimes mean losing the people you once held closest. That you’ll spend nights spiraling—asking yourself where it went wrong, what you did wrong—only to arrive at the quiet, devastating truth: your time together on this earth might just be over. Friendship breakups aren’t talked about enough. There’s advice, essays, podcasts, playlists for healing from romantic heartbreak—but what about the grief of losing a best friend? What about the emptiness that comes when the person who knew your soul, your secrets, your dreams, becomes just another person you used to know? It hurts like hell. And if you were deeply attached to them, it hurts just as much—if not more—than a romantic breakup. Platonic love is no less profound. Sometimes it’s even deeper.

I have a weird little graveyard in my mind for all the past friendships. A quiet place where I revisit old memories, wondering how those people are getting on, knowing I'll never speak again. It’s like watching them move on from me in real time and it hurts realising the fact that one day I shared every single detail of my life with that one person and now I am visiting the graveyard of their memories every night, and the grief is tangled:

I hate what you have. I want it for myself.

You mean nothing to me. I love you to the moon and back.

I never want to speak to you again. Why won’t you talk to me?

It’s all your fault. What did I do wrong?

I hate you for what you did. I miss you like a little kid.

Your new friends can choke. Would you like me again if I was more like them?

I don’t give a shit about you. Did you ever love me?

I want to delete your number. I still unconsciously drop updates about your favorite things in between my new friends like I’m still trying to reach you.

I can’t wait to forget you. I will always carry a piece of you with me.

And it just loops. On and on.

In another universe, maybe we stayed friends. Maybe we moved into that apartment like we planned, became each other’s bridesmaids, grew old together. Maybe that timeline is out there, and we’re laughing still.

But in this one—

The last time I remembered you, I got so angry I almost ripped my hair out.

I still think of your laugh whenever I see a scene from the show we used to watch.

You made me cry years after we last spoke.

I still think of you on your birthday.

You are the one who has made me doubt myself the most

You are in some of the best memories I have.

I still have your pictures I go through them once a week

I hate you.

But if you were once my friend, I will always care about you. Even if we haven’t spoken in years. Even if things ended messy. Because I still remember what you were like four years ago. Because I still remember what it felt like to be young with you. And that love doesn’t disappear. It just buries itself somewhere deep.

Even when we're friends I never really felt that you consider me your friend. We’re friends—but the girl I hadn't spoken to in months checked up on me when I was sick. We were friends—but the person I talked to twice on Tumblr remembered my birthday. We were friends—but you were the one who left me feeling empty every night. We were friends—but now I dread hearing your name.

We were friends… right?

[dogrotpdf]

how’s that house that raised you?

[theyhaditcoming]

I’m seeing a lot of people on social media saying “my mom was a girl too” and “she was a little girl at one point too, it’s not her fault” and “she raised me but we grew up together” and I think people are trying to rationalize it to feel better, like excusing the behavior under the guise of immaturity, but we were children too, they had us, it was THEIR RESPONSIBILITY to take care of us, not the other way around.

Yeah, my narcissistic mother was a little girl at one point too but SO.WAS.I. She’s never had a problem at her job, she’s never had a problem making herself seem charismatic to her friends, she’s never had a problem interacting with people her own age, so how come she had to “grow up” with me? She knows what she’s doing, she always knew. This is not a sad story about a little girl raising a child, this is about an adult abusing a child she CLAIMS to have wanted. It’s a choice, there’s no excuse.

I don’t care what people say, I was a child too, why was it my responsibility to raise them when I needed love and care too? People try to justify this when there is no justification, the fact is narcs can change, but they don’t want to, and I’m suppose to have empathy when they have none?

I don’t have children, why is it my responsibility to raise these adults? I never signed up for this, unlike them. They never did their RESPONSIBILITY as parents, they never even did the bare minimum, but I have to raise them?

No child deserved to go through this, no matter what. I don’t care what happened in her past, she didn’t have to do any of this. She ruined my life, my past, present and future.

If you believe any of this *boohoo she was a child too* bullshit you can GO FUCK YOURSELF. You’re just making excuses for their hateful, abhorrent, and appalling behavior. You can fuck right off. And I hope you never have to experience the full extent of their abuse.

[heraeyuu]

joining team mystery bcoz im off to engage in some fishy business

[heraeyuu]

Happy birthday hua cheng!!!

My gf reminded me actually i forgot he’s a gemini liek me ;-;)

[dogrotpdf]

how’s that house that raised you?

[writing-is-a-martial-art]

You meet god and she's mostly dead fish. You ask her why and she says most of the world is dead fish, and she's made herself to appeal to the most common denominator, the everyman funnyman comedy show that runs for eleven seasons but with the entire universe in mind. You ask her how much of the dead fish is your fault, she says it's far less than you'd think, in the grand scheme of things. You ask her if you matter at all. If you can do anything. She shrugs her rotting shoulders and says mattering is a made-up concept, like life, but sure, you can matter if you want to, on some scale. She has many scales. She doesn't know what you mean by 'anything', but you can do everything you can. You ask her if it's enough. She says there's no base requirement for deserving to exist. She's smoking a joint and the smoke filtering out of her gills gathers and forms gas giants and red dwarfs. You ask her if there's any hidden secrets of the universe you should know and she says it's not a secret if she tells, plus it's fun to let you figure it out yourself. You ask her if any of your questions were right questions and she says you worry about being right so much it might keep you from fucking around, which is as close to meaning of life as she ever bothered to make. You don't ask but she says she loves your hair, also your whole being, also your planet. She says she figured out what love is yesterday and is trying it out, which explains the ten thousand rainbows and sudden influx in rains of fish. She offers you a drag of her joint and you wake up half past midnight behind a chain restaurant clutching a smoked salmon. The new stars are winking like they're in on some joke and you're sure if you try hard enough you'll remember what it is.

[a-forgetful-magister]

The roles have reversed🫣

Merlin the next season:

the most we did was give the professors a nervous breakdown

[heraeyuu]

I'd rather have a dead dad instead of a deadbeat dad.

[heraeyuu]

How fragile my father's ego is, im not the one who did something wrong, (he's accepted that it was wrong of him to hit the dogs and almost hit my sister) yet he's the one acting all hurt, and has yet apologized to my sister.

[heraeyuu]

This is how i envisioned how my fight with my dad went (im yuji obv) bcoz my dad went to book a hotel to stay there for a couple of nights.

[heraeyuu]

Just fought with my dad for the first time, feeling kinda bad.

[sleepandblog]

being the one left behind when a person chooses someone else over you actually feels like being in hell. it makes you question every little thing about yourself. it makes you insecure about things you never cared about before