that didn't come out right

journal side blog for @sweetotismilburn

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10.16.2019 - thinking about him

I’m feeling surprisingly settled. normally, I’d be freaking out right now about the mandatory event and a shit ton of homework occurring while my family visits for my birthday, but I’m controlling it. normally, I’d be having a life crisis because of officially deciding to stay in new york after college and to marry jared if he’ll have me while knowing that he may secretly want to never live in new york city. I know he would move here if I asked, but I don’t know if he’d truly be happy here. he told me the other day that he is afraid that I will find out how boring he is and leave him. I would never leave him over that! I’m happy listening to the sound of his voice. honestly I’m afraid that he will find out that there are women out there who are great listeners and will take control in the bedroom. it scares me how I know I could marry this guy, knowing that he has an intense fear of ending up like his dad. I’m not afraid of that (other than that 4th of July...) as long as he eventually goes to therapy. Whether or not he wants to talk to someone, he needs to find something to quell his intense anxiety or else the poor kid is gonna have an ulcer. I don’t want anyone else and it seems like neither does he. but what happens after I graduate and I stay in the city? will he follow after graduation? will he resent me for making him follow? maybe I am freaking out.

“grow old with me. let us share what we see and all the best it could be just you and I” -Tom Odell.

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9.25.2019- understanding myself

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9.22.2019- fall amongst the stars

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09.20.2019 - midnight decisions

she is a reminder of the person I want to be. the girl who abandons responsibilities at the drop of a hat, the twing of an emotion. the one who loves her family so much and loves her hometown so much. it makes me feel like I don’t actually want to be that girl. I try not to feel disgusted, try not to enforce my opinion that she is wasting the best time of her life on some memories that will stay in the past despite her strong desire to pull them back into the present. if I’m so upset with her for leaving, why do I also want to follow whims with reckless abandon, and a deep and rogue passion? it’s completely against my character, my upbringing. I’ve been taught to follow a path, to stick to it, to never quit unless it’s dangerous. I have a tattoo but I planned it five months ahead and I hide it from the world. I say that I want to find out who I am, but what if I’m just fucking boring? What if I’m just the paperback stereotype of a mom-pleaser, a goody two-shoes? What if I’m basic and I’m just absorbing other people’s personalities, pretending to be a different person every day. I don’t know who I am because I don’t present a coherent persona. maybe her leaving is a gift and I’ll get to figure out what I like and who I am. maybe not.

“she got her head in the clouds and she’s not backing down” - Alicia Keys. 

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09.02.2019 - Looking Forward

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08.18.2019 - i’m too hard to summarize

there are moments in life that are just effortless. they aren’t particularly monumental in the usual sense, but you find yourself looking back at that fleeting moment with this recognition, this thwang of a heart string. my sister sitting near me on the couch during a thunderstorm. all three kids softly asleep at one am when I couldn’t sleep. Jared brushing his hands on my cheeks for the first time. watching a particular daniel howell video. it’s almost like the undercurrent of innocence and love is (are?) trying to remind me what matters in life. 

I live my life on autopilot. It feels weird but true to write that down. As I’m piecing together who I am, I’m starting to realize how absent I am in my own life except for these fleeting mundane moments. I always joke about having issues and needing a therapist, but I don’t know enough about myself or my feelings to determine if I’m just making up these issues or not. I base myself on other people’s opinions: smart, straightforward, a leader, funny, creative. But I often find myself contradicting these character traits. Sure I could be more complex than a few adjectives; or I could be a fraud who gives off the semblance of a feminist character. I want to feel more, to be more, but I can’t get myself out of this rut of apathy. I busy myself with activities so stress and anxiety can override the numbness. how is it that I’m finally admitting it?

“what if I never see myself ever be anything more than what I’ve already become?” -Waitress.

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08.18.2019 - Planning for the Future

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08.08.2019 - why am i like this?

what do I want in five years? do I want to be married an in a cute apartment? do I want to be a powerful career woman slowly losing her humanity in the city? I’ve tossed some futures around in my head: tv sitcom creator, YouTuber, social media manager, broadway playwright, post-production editor, author, anything with Saturday Night Live, stay-at-home mom. no matter what I pick, I can’t picture a real concrete future with love and a real job. where the hell am I going to live? can’t be like my hometown in the stiff traditions but has to have quaint daytime activities.

I really didn’t picture anything after graduation...

what do I have to become to be happy? I would like to be that sadly ambitious high school girl who had such drive and such purpose. sure, I get excited by my classes, but I can’t learn for a living. what I want now is a purpose, or at the very least, a paid internship/cool job that will put me on a career track. the rate I’m going at is pushing me from start-up to start-up, from unknown to unknown. when will I do something I’m passionate about? I like to write and come up with stories but I don’t have anything to write except for outlines, paths that will never be followed.

“to the world we dream about and the one we live in now” -Hadestown.

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08.01.2019 - Lake George Trip

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07.29.2019 - An All Nighter

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07.08.2019 - Inspirational Collage

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06.15.2019 - i’m not where i used to be

the air in Colorado is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. the purity and gentleness of the wind. the warmth without severity, it’s almost like the ancestors are easing the environment for the suffering people of Pueblo. it soothes me, draws me outside despite my affinity for the indoors. i’m processing and processing and processing but I don’t know what it is I’m trying to heal from. my life is good, enough. I want to be part of something bigger, but I’m hopeless, unable to step forward. it doesn’t feel right to take anything from anyone; I try to take up as little space as possible.

I make space for others, but not for myself. I put on so many different performances for different people. I don’t know who I am because I am always performing, giving myself to others, doing things for others. and yet I feel selfish, guilt, shame, doubt. I just want to have my whole life planned out and within my grasp; the lack of control is suffocating. I am nice to the world, but the world is not nice to me. Most can tolerate me, but I don’t have stakes in their lives. I can count the number of people who I have secure relationships with on one hand. Who cares about me and why should they? What do I offer? When is this leader going to use the position for good?

“i’m not where i need to be, but thank god i’m not where i used to be” - unknown.

[foodcourtdetective]

06.15.2019 - Colorado Trip